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Nothing seems different even though he dumped me


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I've never posted on a forum before and I just need some insight from people who can be completely objective on my situation. And offer and thoughts or opinions.

 

 

Less than a month ago my bf of over 7yrs broke down crying. I asked him what was wrong and he started to tell me how I was his best friend and that he loved me but he wasn't in love with me anymore. Can't tell you the shock I was in. There had been no indications of anything 'off' in our relationship (as far as I could tell). Just a couple months ago he asked me to come with him to go to a homecoming football game at his alma mater and visit with his parents. This was a get on a plane type of trip. Then came Thanksgiving and Christmas, nothing seemed out of sorts.

 

But then shortly after New Years he ended it. We didn't live together but I spent more than 1/2 the week at his place so when he ended it I was able to go home (he followed me home too to make sure I got home ok). This was on a Friday and we had plans to see a movie Saturday and honestly I was still in shock and asked if we could still go together. He said ok and picked me up, we went to the movie and afterwards as he took me home I started crying and then he started crying. We didn't really talk about anything but I did manage to say I need some time and would it be ok if we didn't tell anyone yet. He said I could take all the time I needed.

 

Ok so since then, are normal routine of emailing/texting in the morning and throughout the work day has stayed the same. He even signs his emails/texts with our 'cute' sign off that's code for 'I love you'. When we talk on the phone before bed he still says the same 'cute' good night sign off too.

 

The first week when we would talk I would just cry and then when that first weekend came I asked if we could get get dinner, he said ok. We didn't talk about us or anything and that same night I went home with a few of my things. I saw him again a few days later where we went shopping. Back at his place, we both cried again and again when I left i took a few more things.

 

I sent him an email about how hard this is and seeing him makes it easier somehow. Again he told me time isn't an issue, it's been hard for him too. He said I didnt do anything wrong and that he still cares and loves me that hasn't changed.

 

So I guess what I'm wondering and need help understanding is 'what the heck is going on'? He told me he's no longer in love with me anymore but he still cares and loves me. He obviously doesn't want to see me hurt but understands it's necessary. He says I can take all the time I need so what if I need a year? I'm slowly coming to grips with it but is it normal for the ex to be so 'considerate'? Does anyone have some insight on what he may be thinking? Is he just doing all the normal things to make it easier for me? I mean he could say 'bye' or 'goodnight' but he doesn't. He could say he can't see me every time I ask. He could say to pick up my things at a time he's not there.

 

Any thoughts?

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I think you're looking for meaning where there is none, unfortunately. It is entirely possible (and actually quite common) for an ex dumper to still care about the dumpee and still "love them" to an extent, but it's in a plutonic sense instead of the romantic kind.

 

It is completely rational that your ex is attempting to be "considerate" because he knows that he did something to break your heart, and he might even feel guilty over it, but this does NOT mean he still has romantic feelings for you. In fact, even though your ex legitimately thinks he's helping you by staying in contact, he is actually delaying your healing and keeping you in a state of denial.

 

You need to go No Contact, cut him out of your life and start focusing on yourself. The relationship is over. For the record, my ex was similar when she dumped me. She offered me full closure, etc. But the difference is I went NC immediately after breaking up and we haven't said a word to each other since in the past 4 months. You need to start grieving and moving on.

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So sorry OP.

 

Ah man, mm. You know this reminds me a lot of what happened to me recently.

 

He empirically does still care about you, just not enough to stay or in the right way for him. There’s no reading between the lines there.

 

Don’t get stuck continuing on like this. It’ll be a slow fade and you’ll end up being a friend whilst he comes to terms, a crutch.

 

Ideally draw a line and say to him that you respect it’s over, if he changes his mind the doors always open but you need some time for the forthcoming period. Get all your items returned as quickly as you can so it’s not drawn out.

 

It’s so painful. I’m going through this, I’m in day 14 of not contacting my ex

 

Best wishes

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You need to create & enforce boundaries. Tell him if he wants to get back together, great but if he doesn't to leave you alone. He can't have his cake & eat it too because that is too painful for you & he's being a selfish jerk. Then block him & move on.

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There isn't enough of the right kind of information here to say anything for sure. But I experienced something similar once from his side of this. I was with a woman for 5 years and I ended it because it had eroded to the point where I did not feel sexually attracted to her. I probably should have ended it at around 2.5 to 3 years but I kept hanging on thinking it might improve. But it didn't. I think it was just a lot of different things about her that were a turn off to me,...but it was small,...mild,...but over time it built up. I have no ill-will toward her what-so-ever and hope everything turns out great for her but I just don't feel drawn to her sexually. If we bump into each other we'd be happy to see each other and would have some good conversation, but it would not become more than that.

 

It is good to never burn bridges needlessly.

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He feels bad for hurting you, yes, but I think he also doesn't really get how confusing his way of weaning off the relationship is for you.

 

The continued communication and cutesy sign-offs are a reflection of habit for him. He is so used to having you around and communicating with you like that, that he doesn't really think of the mixed signals it's sending you. Even when the dumper is sincere in their decision to end a relationship, it often comes with a period of adjustment for them too as they learn to live without their exes.

 

The hangouts need to stop, for your own sanity. As does the frequent contact. Despite what you may feel now, it does't make it easier; it simply soothes the pain for a little while and feels good in the moment, but that's it. Seeing him isn't making it easier for you to accept that it's over, which is what ultimately needs to happen. It's just delaying the inevitable reality when you two do start to take real space away from each other.

 

I can appreciate you not quite being ready yet to start telling your closest friends and family that you two have broken up. That will come when you have begun to accept it too, though he might not adhere to the same timeline with his own nearest and dearest. He may choose to let some of them know, if they don't already have an idea. If you two were close, it will soon become obvious to those around you that your relationship has ended, even if haven't come right out and said so.

 

For now, I would make it very clear that you need space away to begin healing and ask that he not get in touch for the time being. This will be hard. But this is also why you should let your family and a good, trusted friend know that you've broken up - so you can lean on them when it's tough and you need someone to talk to.

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