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6 year relationship, she moved out to "find herself"


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I apologize if this is a long post, there is a lot to process here. I am left with so many questions and confusion.

 

 

So I was dating a girl for 6 years. I am 31 she is 28. She moved in with me straight from her parents house. Our relationship was very good. We hardly ever fought and if we did we never held resentments towards each other. My whole family loved her and her family loved me. We go along great, we did a lot together, always had fun. We could be serious together, goofy together, I really never have been able to be myself with someone else before like I could with her.

 

 

 

She had it pretty good living with me also. She basically lived for free besides paying half of groceries and half of the internet bill. I paid for everything else. She was able to save a lot of money, buy a brand new vehicle, go on multiple trips with her sister, and live very comfortably.

 

 

However over the last year she got a bit distant. Our sex life was suffering, she blamed it on her weight and she did not like how she looked. I was busy with working two jobs and I admittedly took her for granted a bit over the year (did not help as much with chores around the house, etc). I never did anything to purposely hurt her. She never told me until the end that she was feeling overwhelmed or taken for granted. She let it all bottle up until it blew up. If I would have known sooner I would have changed. But even through all that we still loved each other. I never proposed to her because whenever I would bring it up she said she wanted her career to be a bit more stable first, so I was waiting until she was ready.

 

 

So before Christmas this year we were driving to the city for an outing and she was distant and not talking so I kept asking what was wrong and finally she broke down crying. She said we weren't connecting anymore, and she said she loves me but doesn't know if its "forever love". She told me how she had been feeling over the past year. I asked her why she never would have told me sooner and she said she should have but didn't want to hurt me.

 

 

So for about month since that initial talk we stayed together but she was still very distant. During that time I was doing something on her phone and saw 3 pictures of a guy taking selfies in the mirror without his shirt on. I confronted her and she told me he is dating her coworker and she sent her the pictures of him. I don't necessarily believe her but I have no proof otherwise. She has always been a very honest and non malevolent person. Before me she went through a really bad breakup and was cheated on and I just don't think she would do that to someone else.

 

 

So we tried (I tried) to make it work for about a month. I completely changed myself, helped cook almost every meal, did dishes, stopped doing some small things that bothered her (like having a couple beers during the week). And she told me she wanted to try to make it work. But 2 weeks ago she told me she was looking for an apartment, and last week she moved out. She said she needed to figure out if she was on the path she wanted to be on in her life. She needed to find herself. She said she still loves me and hopes that the separation makes our relationship stronger in the end. But she can not give me any timeline on it or anything solid.

 

 

 

Shes only been gone for a week, and I told her I wouldn't text her or bug her, but she has been texting me almost daily. She still says she loves me. She had to come back the other day to get some more of her stuff and she ended up wanting to stay and watch some TV with me. She cuddled up to me and kissed me, but then at the end she left. It has me feeling so confused. I don't even know how to feel. I asked her if she had any insight to her feelings after being gone for a week and she said no. She says we are not broken up just "separated". She still tells people we are a couple, and things like pictures of us on social media are still there and our Facebook status is still in a relationship together (I know that doesn't mean anything, but it's still there).

 

 

 

I really just don't know what to do. I feel like Im being strung along, or trying to be let down easy, but this is worse than if she just said it was over. Should I give it a month and see what happens? I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I love her so much, I have not stopped loving her even through the hurt she has caused me. But I also don't want to be strung along if the end result is going to be breakup anyway.

 

 

 

The first few days she left I was a real mess, feeling sorry for myself, drinking too much. I finally told myself I was not going to do that so I renewed my gym membership, went grocery shopping and bought all good healthy food, started doing a self authoring program online. I figure its a good chance to work on myself and make myself better either for her or if I need to find a new woman.

 

 

Anyway thanks for reading this, any advice is much appreciated.

Edited by Ruk
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My friend, it IS over. She has been cheating on you with this other guy for at least a year. She is playing you for a fool. But she does not want to cut the cord entirely in case it doesn't work out with this guy, she can come crawling back to you and say oh look I found myself, can I move back in and freeload some more now?

 

Dude you're ding the right thing. Get on with your life as if she is never coming back. because chances are that she isn't... and even if she does, you should not allow her.

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My friend, it IS over. She has been cheating on you with this other guy for at least a year. She is playing you for a fool. But she does not want to cut the cord entirely in case it doesn't work out with this guy, she can come crawling back to you and say oh look I found myself, can I move back in and freeload some more now?

 

Dude you're ding the right thing. Get on with your life as if she is never coming back. because chances are that she isn't... and even if she does, you should not allow her.

 

 

 

 

Thanks man. I really just can't fathom that she would cheat. I confronted her about it multiple times and she promised me she wasn't seeing anyone else.

 

 

 

But there was some other subtle clues. She all of a sudden really enjoyed Aubrey Marcus and Jordan Peterson podcasts. She would tell me that she heard they are good and blah blah. Well the guy she had pictures of, I know who he is. And guess who he follows on Twitter, Aubrey Marcus and Jordan Peterson. Maybe a coincidence but I doubt it.

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From what you said there were red flags everywhere here, def cut the cord of contact with her. When a girl says she needs to "find herself" she's saying "I need to find another man". 100% do NOT help your ex through a breakup. She's a big girl and needs to stand to by her decision on her own.

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From what you said there were red flags everywhere here, def cut the cord of contact with her. When a girl says she needs to "find herself" she's saying "I need to find another man". 100% do NOT help your ex through a breakup. She's a big girl and needs to stand to by her decision on her own.

 

 

Ya that is good advice. Although I already helped her move all her stuff to her crappy tiny little apartment she moved in to. Trying to be the nice guy.

 

 

 

I'm going to be 32 this year, and feel kind of hopeless now to be able to build a family. All the plans I had with her are just gone in a split second its making me crazy.

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You are being strung along as she tries to let you down gently. Makes her a nice person but still indicates that there will be no reconciliation. Even if she comes back after a new months you will never know if she is coming back because she genuinely loves you or she just wants the comfortable lifestyle you provided back.

 

Just close the door on this chapter of your life & move forward.

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You are being strung along as she tries to let you down gently. Makes her a nice person but still indicates that there will be no reconciliation. Even if she comes back after a new months you will never know if she is coming back because she genuinely loves you or she just wants the comfortable lifestyle you provided back.

 

Just close the door on this chapter of your life & move forward.

 

 

Ok thank you.

 

 

So should I be the one that now just tells her its over?

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I think you should tell her it's over because that would be you taking charge of your life, rather than letting her keep you in limbo like you were on some yo yo tethered to her & at her whims.

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I wouldn't tell her it's over at all. I would find a way to get her personal belongings to asap....then I would cut off any and all communications with her.

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I wouldn't tell her it's over at all. I would find a way to get her personal belongings to asap....then I would cut off any and all communications with her.

 

 

So don't tell her its over and just dont communicate with her?

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It is so hard. I have given relationship advice before like this. Telling people "just move on, tell her it is over, etc". But I have never been through it. The only other relationship I ended was clear as night and day. I caught her cheating and ended it and moved on. It was easy.

 

 

This one is tough because I dont believe she cheated on me. I just can not imagine her doing that. Nothing major happened in our relationship and we still love each other. At least she tells me she loves me still.

 

 

 

So I just have to believe she does genuinely need some space to figure things out but the uncertainty is really frustrating.

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If you must...Suggest the two of you go to a counselor and see what she says. A counselor can help her "find herself." I bet she declines but she may not.

 

retorical question: if she declines councel...are you willing to wait until she "finds herself." Even if that means dating others?

Keep working out and eating healthy.

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If you must...Suggest the two of you go to a counselor and see what she says. A counselor can help her "find herself." I bet she declines but she may not.

 

retorical question: if she declines councel...are you willing to wait until she "finds herself." Even if that means dating others?

Keep working out and eating healthy.

 

 

I am willing to wait to a certain point.

 

 

She is going on a trip at the end of February with her friend. They will be gone for a week and she told me when she gets back she should have a fairly good idea of what she wants to do.

 

 

I would even entertain he option of dating but living apart for a few months, as long as I had some certainty.

 

 

 

But if she gets back and is still unsure I will likely end it at that point. I need to move on, I want a family and kids and Im getting old lol.

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Brother, it's ALWAYS another guy. It is so obvious she is lying to you and cheating on you. Pics of the guy shirtless, all of a sudden into the same things he is - you know what's going on.

 

This weak behavior that you're displaying right now has placed you squarely into the doormat category, and will further erode her interest in you. It's time for you to stand up for yourself, call her, tell her you are not waiting around for her like some puppy dog on a chain, and you're done. It's time.

 

PS - I guarantee you this: If you know what kind of car this guy drives, you could send a friend to do a drive by at her new apartment one evening and it is SURE to be there. Why do you think she wanted her own place?

Edited by Highndry
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I am willing to wait to a certain point.

 

 

She is going on a trip at the end of February with her friend. They will be gone for a week and she told me when she gets back she should have a fairly good idea of what she wants to do.

 

 

I would even entertain he option of dating but living apart for a few months, as long as I had some certainty.

 

 

 

But if she gets back and is still unsure I will likely end it at that point. I need to move on, I want a family and kids and Im getting old lol.

 

Life is too short to let someone else decide your fate. She's told you and shown you that you don't mean much. Yet you just don't want to believe it.

 

She has a new guy and wants to keep you in play just in case he doesn't work out.

 

Stop being naive.

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I dont believe she cheated on me

Dude, she certainly did.

 

Whenever anyone says they need to "find themselves" it means "decide whether to stay with Mr Reliable or go off with Mr New And Exciting".

 

That is what it means. Every single time.

 

The only sensible reply to hearing that phrase, is to say well go to the bathroom there is a mirror. Look yourself in the eyes and decide what kind of person you are.

 

At least she tells me she loves me still.

She is lying. If she loved you then she would not have left, she would have stayed to work on the relationship. But she didn't, she bailed and got herself a new apartment, where she can have all the privacy she needs to work on her relationship with the new guy, whilst keeping you on the line as a backup plan.

 

So I just have to believe she does genuinely need some space to figure things out

The only thing she needs to figure out is whether the relationship with the new guy will work out or not. If it does, she'll let you go. If it doesn't, she'll come back to you and say she has found herself.

 

Don't be her plan B!

 

She is going on a trip at the end of February with her friend. They will be gone for a week and she told me when she gets back she should have a fairly good idea of what she wants to do.

Oh my goodness. Does she really need to spell it out to you any more? She is going off on a romantic break for a WEEK with another guy and she expects you to sit around waiting to see if they have a fight in which case she'll be on your doorstep with her PJ's and teddy bear and expect you to welcome her home with loving arms???

 

You have got to be kidding!!! Dude you are so far in denial. You need to WAKE UP.

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I agree with you.

 

The trip however is not with the guy, its with a girlfriend, they had been planning it for months before she left.

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Brother, it's ALWAYS another guy. It is so obvious she is lying to you and cheating on you. Pics of the guy shirtless, all of a sudden into the same things he is - you know what's going on.

 

This weak behavior that you're displaying right now has placed you squarely into the doormat category, and will further erode her interest in you. It's time for you to stand up for yourself, call her, tell her you are not waiting around for her like some puppy dog on a chain, and you're done. It's time.

 

PS - I guarantee you this: If you know what kind of car this guy drives, you could send a friend to do a drive by at her new apartment one evening and it is SURE to be there. Why do you think she wanted her own place?

 

 

Ok thanks man.

 

 

I do not know what kind of car he drives. I don't really care. I know he is not a good guy, and she will regret her decision.

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The trip however is not with the guy, its with a girlfriend, they had been planning it for months before she left.

Well. If I had planned a holiday with a friend, and my marriage was in danger of ending, I would cancel the holiday and save the marriage. There's plenty of time to have holidays another time.

 

I guess she's shown you where her priorities lie.

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Ya.. She has always been like that. She likes to travel and thinks shes some instagram travel girl. She goes on 2-3 trips a year with her sister. It never really bothered me, I was always too busy working. However her living with me allowed her to do that since she didn't pay for anything. I am now realizing how selfish she really is.

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[Yes but by always working and taking her for granted and letting her make great memories with her sister and her gf instead of you, there was no great emotional bonding building up between the two of you. It is like the parent who lavishes their child with things, when all the kid wants is time and love.

 

She wants "more" from a partner, she may be cheating or she may just be on the look out, who knows?

I think the fact she organised an apartment for herself means she is probably done. I don't think she is coming back to you.

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Yes but by always working and taking her for granted and letting her make great memories with her sister and her gf instead of you, there was no great emotional bonding building up between the two of you. It is like the parent who lavishes their child with things, when all the kid wants is time and love.

 

She wants "more" from a partner, she may be cheating or she may just be on the look out, who knows?

I think the fact she organised an apartment for herself means she is probably done. I don't think she is coming back to you.

 

 

We did a LOT together. We made great memories without traveling. We spent a ton of time together doing many things outdoors, lots of dates, weekend getaways, etc.

 

 

It is not that I ALWAYS was working and never did anything with her. I just always felt like it was more important to save money and work hard to build a family and life, and that traveling and vacations would come eventually. I never said I would not go on trips, I was never invited.

 

 

 

I find that people in their 20s these days feel entitled to travel whenever they want and its social media that puts this entitlement in them. Maybe Im just old fashioned and believe more in hard work and family than lavish lifestyles and doing everything for "likes" on instagram.

 

 

Like I said. She would never have been able to do what she did if she was paying $1500 a month for rent like she is now.

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Probably a bit of GIGS going on here. She moves from her parents to you, no time for "finding herself".

Also had you ever asked her to marry you?

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We talked multiple times about marriage and it was always the plan. We went and looked at rings and stuff. She told me she wanted to wait a bit until her career going more stable, which it still is not (shes a supply teacher). She wanted to wait until she had a permanent position. I was ready to propose a couple years ago but she wasn't which is why I waited.

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Have her come by and get her things as soon as possible.

 

She doesn't get to keep you on the back burner. You need to have more self respect and dignity than that.

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