Jump to content

Ex’s new girl is 20 yrs younger. He said he will take me back if they break up


Recommended Posts

My ex and I broke up last year. Ever since then I have felt heartbroken and upset, however working has helped fill a void in my life by keeping my life busy. Being busy with work helped me put on a brave face & pretend to others that I am “okay”.

 

After not seeing my ex fiancé for 2 months and missing him terribly I had time to think about us and where we went wrong

 

We were together for 7.5 years and because I didn’t get married to him our relationship ended( I never said I wouldn’t marry him, it just didn’t happen)

 

I went to see him the other day & wanted to work things out because I still love him.I found out that he has been in a relationship with a new girl for almost a month( she is a family friend). He is nearly 40 and she is 20 years old. I found her in his bed.

 

She has already moved in with him and he has given her a key to his place.

 

I explained to him why I was there and how I wish we could have a chance to work things out. I told him time apart made me think about everything and I was ready to get married and have a family like he wanted and basically poured my heart out to him. He told me I should have came back a month or so ago and he would have taken me back, but now he dosnt want to hurt the new girls feelings because he “cares” about her. I told him in his heart he should know what is the right thing to do.

 

He told me that if things don’t work out with her he promises to take me back.

 

I saw him another day and spent the day talking about the situation with him, I asked him to kiss me and he passionately did. He looks at me like he still loves me and kept saying why didn’t I come back sooner? I’m confused because I don’t know why he would be saying that if things don’t work out he will come back to me?

 

He also said he hasn’t told his friends about her because he dosnt know what’s going to happen between them, however in the next breath he tells me he loves her.

 

What should I do? I told him how I feel though I don’t feel like I stand a Chance because she is living with him and probably won’t budge now. I don’t think her intentions are true however I’m not sure what his intentions with her are either.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs
Link to post
Share on other sites
I found her in his bed.

...

I explained to him why I was there and how I wish we could have a chance to work things out. I told him time apart made me think about everything and I was ready to get married and have a family like he wanted and basically poured my heart out to him.

You told him all that stuff after finding another woman in his bed? What are you thinking? Clearly in all the time you've been thinking about him, he has not thought about you one bit. You find another woman in his bed and want to marry him??

 

He told me that if things don’t work out with her he promises to take me back.

Oh lovely! I guess you are flattered to be his second choice then. You're happy to hang around while he is living with another woman having sex with her, waiting for them to split up so he can grace you with his presence once more? Me, I would have told him to pound sand.

 

He is talking a lot of rubbish and not backing any of it up with actions. He is all talk. You should move on from this jerk!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes I did tell him all those things despite the situation. I know I am crazy to do that!

Well I came there to tell him how I felt and didn’t expect to find someone else there. However we had broken up & realistically what should I have expected?

I’m not sure what I am thinking? Prior to this situation I never thought I could be willing and accepting to move on from what I saw.

He said he thought about me and waited for me.However when I questioned him why he didn’t initially come back to me it was because I didn’t get married to him. My brain is telling me to think logically however my heart is telling me another thing. He kept saying his in a big mess now that I came back.

 

No I’m not flattered, I don’t want to be second best.

I don’t even know why he would say this to me?As I didn’t ask him to come running back if things don’t work out. I asked him to give us a chance not later.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don’t want to be second best.

Then tell him that, and tell him not to contact you ever again.

 

I don’t even know why he would say this to me?As I didn’t ask him to come running back if things don’t work out. I asked him to give us a chance not later.

He doesn't want that. He wants you to be his backup plan. He wants you to wait around while he lives with his new girlfriend and has lots of sex, but if they don't work out then you can be his second choice.

 

Now what you do with this information is up to you. Personally I'd tell him to pound sand.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Who broke up with whom? How did it come about?

 

After 7-8 years dating and asking you to marry him, I can see how he'd be thinking it's a dead end if you were dragging your feet. Why did it not happen?

 

I'm sorry for how you must be feeling. Life is tough sometimes.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You went to an ex’s house a year after a break up.

 

He moved on.

 

You need to also.

 

 

I’m sorry if you got hurt, but you were the one in the wrong here.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It’s likely your ex is rebounding with a much younger girl to repair his bruised ego. My bf was dating a woman quite a bit younger after his divorce, too.

 

Would you accept his marriage proposal if you’re back together? Unfortunately what’s happening is the consequence of your choice to reject his proposal. Was it fair to the young girl when you asked him to kiss you?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Unfortunately what’s happening is the consequence of your choice to reject his proposal. ?

 

woaaah. Now I don’t know about that. That’s a leap to put that on someone.

 

Very black and white. Reles are hugely complex and there’s prob a raft of interwoven complex interactions and actions that explained why she didn’t go down the aisle. Maybe OP doesn’t know herself.

 

His post breakup behaviours also paint a picture about him. So extrapolating that backwards, who knows what dynamic he brought to their rele? It’s an unknown.

 

Suffice to say OP, don’t allow yourself to be debased like this - disappear from his life. He’s going to keep you spinning for his own use.

Edited by Twizzlestick
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course it’s entirely her right to reject his marriage proposal. But it’s also his right not to wait any longer, after 7.5 years together. At the end of the day, these two individuals have broken up, so he’s completely free to date another woman, no? The only thing he was in the wrong was to go along with the OP’s request and kiss her, when he’s already with another woman.

 

woaaah. Now I don’t know about that. That’s a leap to put that on someone.

 

Very black and white. Reles are hugely complex and there’s prob a raft of interwoven complex interactions and actions that explained why she didn’t go down the aisle. Maybe OP doesn’t know herself.

 

His post breakup behaviours also paint a picture about him. So extrapolating that backwards, who knows what dynamic he brought to their rele? It’s an unknown.

 

Suffice to say OP, don’t allow yourself to be debased like this - disappear.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi June

 

No absolutely. I think my post was misunderstood. There’s no contesting the right of any party to choose, that’s not my meaning,

 

Rather I feel as observers we don’t have enough to say she’s def reaping the consequence of her choice. I know she said that herself, but as dumpees we tend to project things onto us and become overwhelmingly guilt ridden. Dumpers tend to blame shift and reasons provided often are simplified constructs that lie outside the realm of reality. The reality often lies elsewhere. Could make a lot of guilt to burden for someone you know? Only mean it in the best way as clearly the girl is carrying a lot anyway.

 

Twizzlestick x

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi June

 

No absolutely. I think my post was misunderstood. There’s no contesting the right of any party to choose, that’s not my meaning,

 

Rather I feel as observers we don’t have enough to say she’s def reaping the consequence of her choice. I know she said that herself, but as dumpees we tend to project things onto us and become overwhelmingly guilt ridden. Dumpers tend to blame shift and reasons provided often are simplified constructs that lie outside the realm of reality. The reality often lies elsewhere. Could make a lot of guilt to burden for someone you know? Only mean it in the best way as clearly the girl is carrying a lot anyway.

 

Twizzlestick x

 

“We were together for 7.5 years and because I didn’t get married to him our relationship ended...” That’s exactly what she wrote. She didn’t say who’s the dumper/dumpee, though. It could well be that she didn’t want to drag things on, knowing that being married was important to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just to clarify, OP - had he previously proposed to you? Or you two had talked about marriage and you avoided the subject? Or?

 

Also, I am curious to hear how you "found" his new girlfriend in his bed. Did you just let yourself into his house or something?

 

Whatever the case may be, it is pretty insulting to be told he will come back to you if he and his new girlfriend don't work out. You are now Plan B. He is well within his rights to have moved on, mind you, but I would not stick around and make yourself available to fill the back-up role.

 

Stop asking him to spend time with you and kiss you. You are hugely disrespecting yourself by doing so, and really, don't be that woman. You might not like that he's found someone else but don't go lowering yourself to that level.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your ex knows he isn't leaving this 20 year old but what he means is if by chance she leaves him he will come back to you. Guys don't move girls into their home that they may break up with.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Upon hearing that you wanted to try again & get married they way he wanted, he didn't immediately drop her & take you back.

 

I would not wait around for him to be done with her. I'd assume that ship sailed & I'd work on myself & my healing to be able to move forward.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Give it about 3 mos. If he hasn’t dropped the new girl by then, then you should move on. Give him time to think things over and don’t approach him about this again. Let him make the decision on his own.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ouch...that's tough. You gotta walk away from this guy right now. He's sitting there in the catbird seat, knowing that if things with his new woman don't work out, he's got you waiting patiently. Please show some love for yourself and walk away. Although he won't like it, he will respect you for it and you'll respect yourself more. If he gets it together sometime in the future and decides he wants to be all in with you, then you guys can talk about getting back together. But right now, you're just being a doormat. Sorry if that's harsh and I feel for you because I know it's hard to think of him with her, but letting him walk all over you isn't going to convince him to come back.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Who broke up with whom? How did it come about?

 

After 7-8 years dating and asking you to marry him, I can see how he'd be thinking it's a dead end if you were dragging your feet. Why did it not happen?

 

I'm sorry for how you must be feeling. Life is tough sometimes.

 

I'm not sure why it didn't happen, it just didn't. I guess it was my fault because i didn't set a date.

Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You went to an ex’s house a year after a break up.

 

He moved on.

 

You need to also.

 

 

I’m sorry if you got hurt, but you were the one in the wrong here.

 

it wasn't a year, we broke up in the middle of last year. The last time i saw him was 2 months ago.

Yes he moved on, however with a girl 20 years younger? What could they possibly have in common? He tells me he loved me more then anything in the world and couldn't live without me and ill always be his true love, now he can live without me?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ouch...that's tough. You gotta walk away from this guy right now. He's sitting there in the catbird seat, knowing that if things with his new woman don't work out, he's got you waiting patiently. Please show some love for yourself and walk away. Although he won't like it, he will respect you for it and you'll respect yourself more. If he gets it together sometime in the future and decides he wants to be all in with you, then you guys can talk about getting back together. But right now, you're just being a doormat. Sorry if that's harsh and I feel for you because I know it's hard to think of him with her, but letting him walk all over you isn't going to convince him to come back.

 

It is tough, prior to this happening I respected him and never did I ever dream of him moving on with someone who could pass as his daughter. His best friend has a daughter almost the same age as her. Maybe if he moved on with someone closer in age I would be become more accepting of the situation.

I sure do feel like a doormat and I am aware that I'm showing myself lack of self respect, however for the past 7.5 years I was a loyal, dedicated and loving fiance to him and being respectful ultimately hasn't done me any favours.

Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It’s likely your ex is rebounding with a much younger girl to repair his bruised ego. My bf was dating a woman quite a bit younger after his divorce, too.

 

Would you accept his marriage proposal if you’re back together? Unfortunately what’s happening is the consequence of your choice to reject his proposal. Was it fair to the young girl when you asked him to kiss you?

 

I told him I was willing to get married and move on from what has happened.

Yes I know its my fault and he makes me feel even worse and guilty by telling me I should have came back sooner.

I asked him and he didn't have to kiss me.

The young girl is the same girl who caused trouble between his brother and his wife (she was involved with his married brother trying to break up his marriage) This young girl lived with my ex fiances mother(hence family friend) so I don't have any compassion towards her. I believe she took the opportunity to pounce on him when I wasn't around for 2 months.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Of course it’s entirely her right to reject his marriage proposal. But it’s also his right not to wait any longer, after 7.5 years together. At the end of the day, these two individuals have broken up, so he’s completely free to date another woman, no? The only thing he was in the wrong was to go along with the OP’s request and kiss her, when he’s already with another woman.

 

I understand that he is free to date other women however a 20 year old?

Mind you the 20 year old was living with his mother and was involved with his married brother (causing problems in his marriage) I think this girl was waiting for the opportunity to pounce on his when i was out the picture for 2 months.

Yes he kissed me when I asked, he held my hand and made me feel like I had a chance, then told me that he can't hurt his 5 minute fling and would come back to me if things don't work out :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just to clarify, OP - had he previously proposed to you? Or you two had talked about marriage and you avoided the subject? Or?

 

Also, I am curious to hear how you "found" his new girlfriend in his bed. Did you just let yourself into his house or something?

 

Whatever the case may be, it is pretty insulting to be told he will come back to you if he and his new girlfriend don't work out. You are now Plan B. He is well within his rights to have moved on, mind you, but I would not stick around and make yourself available to fill the back-up role.

 

Stop asking him to spend time with you and kiss you. You are hugely disrespecting yourself by doing so, and really, don't be that woman. You might not like that he's found someone else but don't go lowering yourself to that level.

 

Yes he proposed to me , we were engaged but I never set a wedding date. I'm not sure why, however things happened in life- I was going to university and graduated, we had 2 deaths in my extended family and then life was just busy- which was no excuse really, but i'm not sure why I didn't set a date. I now regret not doing so.. We always seem to want what we can't get and want it when its too late, don't we?

I didn't ever think we would come to this stage in our lives. We were so in love and dedicated to each other (well i thought we were) that I never expected to be in this situation.

I know I am disrespecting myself, I just don't know how to cope :( I've left it too long and made a mistake, now its too late and my attempts at trying to fix things have failed :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Upon hearing that you wanted to try again & get married they way he wanted, he didn't immediately drop her & take you back.

 

I would not wait around for him to be done with her. I'd assume that ship sailed & I'd work on myself & my healing to be able to move forward.

 

No he didn't immediately drop her, I expected him to (I know I am being unrealistic and selfish) however he didn't want to "hurt" her- his words.

What about me? I know i'm his ex but surely a relationship of 7.5 years is worth fighting for?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Your ex knows he isn't leaving this 20 year old but what he means is if by chance she leaves him he will come back to you. Guys don't move girls into their home that they may break up with.

 

Well he was lonely as he lived alone and I wasn't around so I think that was a big factor in him giving her the key.

I think she moved in because she see's him as being financial security for her and free accommodation as she was only living in rental accommodation and he has his own place.

I think she is living there to make sure I can't come back to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...