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-   -   Exís new girl is 20 yrs younger. He said he will take me back if they break up (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/675460-ex-s-new-girl-20-yrs-younger-he-said-he-will-take-me-back-if-they-break-up)

Lostlove11 28th January 2019 5:13 AM

Ex fiancť with girl 20 years younger tells me he will come back if things donít work
 
My ex and I broke up last year. Ever since then I have felt heartbroken and upset, however working has helped fill a void in my life by keeping my life busy. Being busy with work helped me put on a brave face & pretend to others that I am “okay”.

After not seeing my ex fiancť for 2 months and missing him terribly I had time to think about us and where we went wrong

We were together for 7.5 years and because I didn’t get married to him our relationship ended( I never said I wouldn’t marry him, it just didn’t happen)

I went to see him the other day & wanted to work things out because I still love him.I found out that he has been in a relationship with a new girl for almost a month( she is a family friend). He is nearly 40 and she is 20 years old. I found her in his bed.

She has already moved in with him and he has given her a key to his place.

I explained to him why I was there and how I wish we could have a chance to work things out. I told him time apart made me think about everything and I was ready to get married and have a family like he wanted and basically poured my heart out to him. He told me I should have came back a month or so ago and he would have taken me back, but now he dosnt want to hurt the new girls feelings because he “cares” about her. I told him in his heart he should know what is the right thing to do.

He told me that if things don’t work out with her he promises to take me back.

I saw him another day and spent the day talking about the situation with him, I asked him to kiss me and he passionately did. He looks at me like he still loves me and kept saying why didn’t I come back sooner? I’m confused because I don’t know why he would be saying that if things don’t work out he will come back to me?

He also said he hasn’t told his friends about her because he dosnt know what’s going to happen between them, however in the next breath he tells me he loves her.

What should I do? I told him how I feel though I don’t feel like I stand a Chance because she is living with him and probably won’t budge now. I don’t think her intentions are true however I’m not sure what his intentions with her are either.

PegNosePete 28th January 2019 5:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostlove11 (Post 7723101)
I found her in his bed.
...
I explained to him why I was there and how I wish we could have a chance to work things out. I told him time apart made me think about everything and I was ready to get married and have a family like he wanted and basically poured my heart out to him.

You told him all that stuff after finding another woman in his bed? What are you thinking? Clearly in all the time you've been thinking about him, he has not thought about you one bit. You find another woman in his bed and want to marry him??

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostlove11 (Post 7723101)
He told me that if things don’t work out with her he promises to take me back.

Oh lovely! I guess you are flattered to be his second choice then. You're happy to hang around while he is living with another woman having sex with her, waiting for them to split up so he can grace you with his presence once more? Me, I would have told him to pound sand.

He is talking a lot of rubbish and not backing any of it up with actions. He is all talk. You should move on from this jerk!

Lostlove11 28th January 2019 6:28 AM

Yes I did tell him all those things despite the situation. I know I am crazy to do that!
Well I came there to tell him how I felt and didn’t expect to find someone else there. However we had broken up & realistically what should I have expected?
I’m not sure what I am thinking? Prior to this situation I never thought I could be willing and accepting to move on from what I saw.
He said he thought about me and waited for me.However when I questioned him why he didn’t initially come back to me it was because I didn’t get married to him. My brain is telling me to think logically however my heart is telling me another thing. He kept saying his in a big mess now that I came back.

No I’m not flattered, I don’t want to be second best.
I don’t even know why he would say this to me?As I didn’t ask him to come running back if things don’t work out. I asked him to give us a chance not later.

PegNosePete 28th January 2019 6:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostlove11 (Post 7723114)
I donít want to be second best.

Then tell him that, and tell him not to contact you ever again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostlove11 (Post 7723114)
I donít even know why he would say this to me?As I didnít ask him to come running back if things donít work out. I asked him to give us a chance not later.

He doesn't want that. He wants you to be his backup plan. He wants you to wait around while he lives with his new girlfriend and has lots of sex, but if they don't work out then you can be his second choice.

Now what you do with this information is up to you. Personally I'd tell him to pound sand.

salparadise 28th January 2019 7:19 AM

Who broke up with whom? How did it come about?

After 7-8 years dating and asking you to marry him, I can see how he'd be thinking it's a dead end if you were dragging your feet. Why did it not happen?

I'm sorry for how you must be feeling. Life is tough sometimes.

Wallysbears 28th January 2019 7:30 AM

You went to an exís house a year after a break up.

He moved on.

You need to also.


Iím sorry if you got hurt, but you were the one in the wrong here.

JuneL 28th January 2019 8:07 AM

Itís likely your ex is rebounding with a much younger girl to repair his bruised ego. My bf was dating a woman quite a bit younger after his divorce, too.

Would you accept his marriage proposal if youíre back together? Unfortunately whatís happening is the consequence of your choice to reject his proposal. Was it fair to the young girl when you asked him to kiss you?

Twizzlestick 28th January 2019 8:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuneL (Post 7723162)
Unfortunately what’s happening is the consequence of your choice to reject his proposal. ?

woaaah. Now I don’t know about that. That’s a leap to put that on someone.

Very black and white. Reles are hugely complex and there’s prob a raft of interwoven complex interactions and actions that explained why she didn’t go down the aisle. Maybe OP doesn’t know herself.

His post breakup behaviours also paint a picture about him. So extrapolating that backwards, who knows what dynamic he brought to their rele? It’s an unknown.

Suffice to say OP, don’t allow yourself to be debased like this - disappear from his life. He’s going to keep you spinning for his own use.

JuneL 28th January 2019 8:22 AM

Of course itís entirely her right to reject his marriage proposal. But itís also his right not to wait any longer, after 7.5 years together. At the end of the day, these two individuals have broken up, so heís completely free to date another woman, no? The only thing he was in the wrong was to go along with the OPís request and kiss her, when heís already with another woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twizzlestick (Post 7723169)
woaaah. Now I donít know about that. Thatís a leap to put that on someone.

Very black and white. Reles are hugely complex and thereís prob a raft of interwoven complex interactions and actions that explained why she didnít go down the aisle. Maybe OP doesnít know herself.

His post breakup behaviours also paint a picture about him. So extrapolating that backwards, who knows what dynamic he brought to their rele? Itís an unknown.

Suffice to say OP, donít allow yourself to be debased like this - disappear.


Twizzlestick 28th January 2019 9:04 AM

Hi June

No absolutely. I think my post was misunderstood. There’s no contesting the right of any party to choose, that’s not my meaning,

Rather I feel as observers we don’t have enough to say she’s def reaping the consequence of her choice. I know she said that herself, but as dumpees we tend to project things onto us and become overwhelmingly guilt ridden. Dumpers tend to blame shift and reasons provided often are simplified constructs that lie outside the realm of reality. The reality often lies elsewhere. Could make a lot of guilt to burden for someone you know? Only mean it in the best way as clearly the girl is carrying a lot anyway.

Twizzlestick x

JuneL 28th January 2019 9:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twizzlestick (Post 7723196)
Hi June

No absolutely. I think my post was misunderstood. Thereís no contesting the right of any party to choose, thatís not my meaning,

Rather I feel as observers we donít have enough to say sheís def reaping the consequence of her choice. I know she said that herself, but as dumpees we tend to project things onto us and become overwhelmingly guilt ridden. Dumpers tend to blame shift and reasons provided often are simplified constructs that lie outside the realm of reality. The reality often lies elsewhere. Could make a lot of guilt to burden for someone you know? Only mean it in the best way as clearly the girl is carrying a lot anyway.

Twizzlestick x

ďWe were together for 7.5 years and because I didnít get married to him our relationship ended...Ē Thatís exactly what she wrote. She didnít say whoís the dumper/dumpee, though. It could well be that she didnít want to drag things on, knowing that being married was important to him.

ExpatInItaly 28th January 2019 10:26 AM

Just to clarify, OP - had he previously proposed to you? Or you two had talked about marriage and you avoided the subject? Or?

Also, I am curious to hear how you "found" his new girlfriend in his bed. Did you just let yourself into his house or something?

Whatever the case may be, it is pretty insulting to be told he will come back to you if he and his new girlfriend don't work out. You are now Plan B. He is well within his rights to have moved on, mind you, but I would not stick around and make yourself available to fill the back-up role.

Stop asking him to spend time with you and kiss you. You are hugely disrespecting yourself by doing so, and really, don't be that woman. You might not like that he's found someone else but don't go lowering yourself to that level.

stillafool 28th January 2019 10:39 AM

Your ex knows he isn't leaving this 20 year old but what he means is if by chance she leaves him he will come back to you. Guys don't move girls into their home that they may break up with.

d0nnivain 28th January 2019 11:48 AM

Upon hearing that you wanted to try again & get married they way he wanted, he didn't immediately drop her & take you back.

I would not wait around for him to be done with her. I'd assume that ship sailed & I'd work on myself & my healing to be able to move forward.

bathtub-row 28th January 2019 11:53 AM

Give it about 3 mos. If he hasn’t dropped the new girl by then, then you should move on. Give him time to think things over and don’t approach him about this again. Let him make the decision on his own.


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