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Exís new girl is 20 yrs younger. He said he will take me back if they break up


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 28th January 2019, 3:33 PM   #16
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Ouch...that's tough. You gotta walk away from this guy right now. He's sitting there in the catbird seat, knowing that if things with his new woman don't work out, he's got you waiting patiently. Please show some love for yourself and walk away. Although he won't like it, he will respect you for it and you'll respect yourself more. If he gets it together sometime in the future and decides he wants to be all in with you, then you guys can talk about getting back together. But right now, you're just being a doormat. Sorry if that's harsh and I feel for you because I know it's hard to think of him with her, but letting him walk all over you isn't going to convince him to come back.
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Old 29th January 2019, 1:38 AM   #17
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Old 29th January 2019, 4:59 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
Who broke up with whom? How did it come about?

After 7-8 years dating and asking you to marry him, I can see how he'd be thinking it's a dead end if you were dragging your feet. Why did it not happen?

I'm sorry for how you must be feeling. Life is tough sometimes.
I'm not sure why it didn't happen, it just didn't. I guess it was my fault because i didn't set a date.
Thanks
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Old 29th January 2019, 5:03 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
You went to an exís house a year after a break up.

He moved on.

You need to also.


Iím sorry if you got hurt, but you were the one in the wrong here.
it wasn't a year, we broke up in the middle of last year. The last time i saw him was 2 months ago.
Yes he moved on, however with a girl 20 years younger? What could they possibly have in common? He tells me he loved me more then anything in the world and couldn't live without me and ill always be his true love, now he can live without me?
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Old 29th January 2019, 5:18 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
Ouch...that's tough. You gotta walk away from this guy right now. He's sitting there in the catbird seat, knowing that if things with his new woman don't work out, he's got you waiting patiently. Please show some love for yourself and walk away. Although he won't like it, he will respect you for it and you'll respect yourself more. If he gets it together sometime in the future and decides he wants to be all in with you, then you guys can talk about getting back together. But right now, you're just being a doormat. Sorry if that's harsh and I feel for you because I know it's hard to think of him with her, but letting him walk all over you isn't going to convince him to come back.
It is tough, prior to this happening I respected him and never did I ever dream of him moving on with someone who could pass as his daughter. His best friend has a daughter almost the same age as her. Maybe if he moved on with someone closer in age I would be become more accepting of the situation.
I sure do feel like a doormat and I am aware that I'm showing myself lack of self respect, however for the past 7.5 years I was a loyal, dedicated and loving fiance to him and being respectful ultimately hasn't done me any favours.
Thanks
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Old 29th January 2019, 5:25 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
Itís likely your ex is rebounding with a much younger girl to repair his bruised ego. My bf was dating a woman quite a bit younger after his divorce, too.

Would you accept his marriage proposal if youíre back together? Unfortunately whatís happening is the consequence of your choice to reject his proposal. Was it fair to the young girl when you asked him to kiss you?
I told him I was willing to get married and move on from what has happened.
Yes I know its my fault and he makes me feel even worse and guilty by telling me I should have came back sooner.
I asked him and he didn't have to kiss me.
The young girl is the same girl who caused trouble between his brother and his wife (she was involved with his married brother trying to break up his marriage) This young girl lived with my ex fiances mother(hence family friend) so I don't have any compassion towards her. I believe she took the opportunity to pounce on him when I wasn't around for 2 months.
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Old 29th January 2019, 5:31 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
Of course itís entirely her right to reject his marriage proposal. But itís also his right not to wait any longer, after 7.5 years together. At the end of the day, these two individuals have broken up, so heís completely free to date another woman, no? The only thing he was in the wrong was to go along with the OPís request and kiss her, when heís already with another woman.
I understand that he is free to date other women however a 20 year old?
Mind you the 20 year old was living with his mother and was involved with his married brother (causing problems in his marriage) I think this girl was waiting for the opportunity to pounce on his when i was out the picture for 2 months.
Yes he kissed me when I asked, he held my hand and made me feel like I had a chance, then told me that he can't hurt his 5 minute fling and would come back to me if things don't work out
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Old 29th January 2019, 5:40 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
Just to clarify, OP - had he previously proposed to you? Or you two had talked about marriage and you avoided the subject? Or?

Also, I am curious to hear how you "found" his new girlfriend in his bed. Did you just let yourself into his house or something?

Whatever the case may be, it is pretty insulting to be told he will come back to you if he and his new girlfriend don't work out. You are now Plan B. He is well within his rights to have moved on, mind you, but I would not stick around and make yourself available to fill the back-up role.

Stop asking him to spend time with you and kiss you. You are hugely disrespecting yourself by doing so, and really, don't be that woman. You might not like that he's found someone else but don't go lowering yourself to that level.
Yes he proposed to me , we were engaged but I never set a wedding date. I'm not sure why, however things happened in life- I was going to university and graduated, we had 2 deaths in my extended family and then life was just busy- which was no excuse really, but i'm not sure why I didn't set a date. I now regret not doing so.. We always seem to want what we can't get and want it when its too late, don't we?
I didn't ever think we would come to this stage in our lives. We were so in love and dedicated to each other (well i thought we were) that I never expected to be in this situation.
I know I am disrespecting myself, I just don't know how to cope I've left it too long and made a mistake, now its too late and my attempts at trying to fix things have failed
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Old 29th January 2019, 5:44 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Upon hearing that you wanted to try again & get married they way he wanted, he didn't immediately drop her & take you back.

I would not wait around for him to be done with her. I'd assume that ship sailed & I'd work on myself & my healing to be able to move forward.
No he didn't immediately drop her, I expected him to (I know I am being unrealistic and selfish) however he didn't want to "hurt" her- his words.
What about me? I know i'm his ex but surely a relationship of 7.5 years is worth fighting for?
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Old 29th January 2019, 5:49 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Your ex knows he isn't leaving this 20 year old but what he means is if by chance she leaves him he will come back to you. Guys don't move girls into their home that they may break up with.
Well he was lonely as he lived alone and I wasn't around so I think that was a big factor in him giving her the key.
I think she moved in because she see's him as being financial security for her and free accommodation as she was only living in rental accommodation and he has his own place.
I think she is living there to make sure I can't come back to him.
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Old 29th January 2019, 6:05 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by Lostlove11 View Post
Yes he proposed to me , we were engaged but I never set a wedding date. I'm not sure why, however things happened in life- I was going to university and graduated, we had 2 deaths in my extended family and then life was just busy- which was no excuse really, but i'm not sure why I didn't set a date. I now regret not doing so..
Hold on. Why are you carrying around all those bags of guilt over this? Itís not for you to set a date on your own. You were engaged. You set dates together. Sounds like life was busy, but hereís the thing. Reles are two people. If someone is engaged to someone, they donít just sit as an observer, a passenger and say ďoh sheís not pulled her finger out, Iím offĒ.

Naaah. If youíre engaged youíre in deep. You should be at the pinncile of working together as a couple, after all thatís what youíll get told at Pre wedding counselling. What was your ex doing to commincuate with you, to work with you? You couldíve moved forward from this, but it wouldíve taken both of you.

Weddings arenít targets to reach, and once you past the hurdle all is great and suddenly you switch into two people with empathy and dedication. Sounds like your ex failed miserably in working with you on why you both hadnít set a date.

Life happens, and if all it takes is the stresses of life for someone to bail, then the fault does not lie solely at your door.

Set those bags down now. What people tell you (your ex) is often blame shifting and incredibly simplified regarding the truth that led to the position youíre both in. And youíre only too happy to carry those bags of guilt. Stop it. Youíre not the only one to blame. There was no cheating, no triangulating moment of singular blame on one party.
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Old 29th January 2019, 6:08 AM   #27
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Look, he has told you everything you need to know in order for you to make an informed decision on what to do next.

He is living with another woman and is not going to change that any time soon.

You have no option but to move on with your life without this jerk.
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Old 29th January 2019, 8:53 AM   #28
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OP, I so feel you. I really do. I know how hard it is to see your ex with someone new. You feel like they must be so much better than you or prettier or better in bed, or whatever. You'll do anything to stop that pain. Trust me, I get it. My ex is with someone new and these are all the thoughts that I have. Feeling like I must have meant nothing. Feeling like he threw me away like a piece of garbage and moved on like it was so easy. Now he gets to be happy and WTF about me?!?

Please listen to Twizzlestick, you didn't do anything wrong here. We all bring our own flaws into a relationship, but a person that wants to be with us, that really is invested will work with those flaws. An engagement takes two people to work.

Right now, he's being so selfish. He's looking to you as his back up option, or his cushion. This doesn't make him the devil, but I just want you to honestly ask yourself if that's good enough for you? I would say no. You should have been the love of his life, the woman that he couldn't wait to marry, not the one he's keeping on the side in case his fling (and it will definitely be a fling) doesn't pan out.

Boundaries are so hard. I'm terrible at them. But every time you let someone walk through a boundary, you let them trample on your heart, you diminish their respect for you little by little, and you teach them that it's ok to be careless with your heart. Stand up for yourself. Try to let him go. I know how hard it is. I think about my ex so much it's maddening. I want the thoughts to stop. But the best thing you can do is to set some boundaries. Because then at least you can respect yourself while you start to heal.

Hugs to you. I know how hard it is.
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Old 30th January 2019, 4:30 AM   #29
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Wink Competition anxiety

Men become way more attractive when they move on with other women, when they show that they have other options, younger ones for that. The younger and more attractive she is, the stronger your competition is. He didn't cheat on you, you broke up and he moved on, you are the other woman, you are the mistress trying to cheat with another woman's man.

You wouldn't marry him because you felt you could do better someday (feminine hypergamy), when you he moved on with a younger woman, you thought, maybe he was the best I could do; women hate to lose to other women : in fact when you went to his place to tell him you want him back, you already knew he had moved on with another woman, lol, lets be honest now ...you had heard that he had moved on with another woman - lol, don't you tell me you didn't know and were surprised to see another woman on his bed.

You wanted him back when you realized he had moved, to what extend depends on how younger and more attractive the new girl is relative to you. If he wants to he can easily cheat on her with you (you would,it would validate you) as his mistress..the seks would be even feel better; the anxiety of fuuking a man to win him over from the competition.

Inter-seksual dynamics.
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Old 30th January 2019, 5:30 AM   #30
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When you split, did you tell him you did not want to get married and have his children or did he use the fact that you had not arranged the wedding as an excuse to dump you.
The onus is not on you to arrange a wedding, so I guess he already had designs on this young woman before you split.
He saw an opportunity and took it.
Now he gets to be all moral as the blame is shifted onto you.

Do not stick around. Even if she dumps him tomorrow I doubt he will come back to you for any length of time and before you know it he will have made up some other excuse to leave.

BTW how old are you?
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