more than a friendship less than a relationship?

[allalone11]

so my long term spouse(girlfriend) and mother of my child broke up with me 3 months ago.

 

things have been hot and cold for the last 2 months and i dont know what to do. she obviously knows how much i love her and how much i want to be a family, its like shes stretching this out.

 

the reason why she broke up with me is because of our arguing and because we had a hard time getting on the same page.

 

since then ive been in school been going to the gym and working on my self. ive been getting lots of hot and cold from her non stop.

 

some patterns i knoticed is when i stop chasing she will reach out in some way shape or form to get my attention some how. or she will she a bit of anger over little things and i know the reason is because i stopped texting her or made our child exchanges brief.

 

weve had sex a few times in the past few months and cuddled and watched movies, and well she keeps asking n planning these dates. but i dont know what is happening. i dont know if shes waiting for something from my end to re commit, i dont even know if she wants to or will ever re commit. one thing i do know is that the strings that she didnt cut are the ones that say "countinue to have feelings for me " and the ones that say "lets stay comfortable sexually and verbally with eachother"

 

i tried getting her to go to councelling during the break up and ive been persistent in helping her, i have not been rude once or showed anger, even though shes been all over the map.

 

i really want my family back and i dont know if shes just keeping me stuck on her because she doesnt want me to move on, or if shes just waiting for me to make a big change, or if shes waiting till she finds someone and cuts me off completely,

 

she still calls me and wants me when she has any problem. but its like when i persue her she is distant and when i dont she will poke me to persue her.

 

when ive broughten up our relationship all i get is an "awe" and then followed by a subject change. or she will ignore my text till the next morning and ask me an unrelated question.

 

its a game and as much as i want to just cut her off completely i dont want to because i dont want to become to the point where i no longer feel the bond we had. because then even if she did come back i probably wouldnt want it. and even though that could be a better situation because id have all the power, i dont want to let go of someone i love with all my heart.

 

i just dont know. all i can say is this flirtationship sucks and its not what i want. i want my spouse , my family, my life , my home , i want it all back. and i get it that you cant allways get what you want.

 

when i step out of this crazy zone i feel like shes waiting for me to buy a house , finish my schooling. and grow before she comes back. yeah i know i had my flaws. maybe she left me because she needed to work on her self too? i dont know.

 

should i countinue this round circle. i know our fighting was bad. but this worst thing would be if she moved on. then id be stuck all over again.

 

why is she so fricken difficult, why cant people just drop the front and love eachother. why do they have to make you jump through hoops in life.

 

anyone else going through this?

[PRW]

There isn't that much I can pull from this except for one thing I'll mention below. But I can look at her behavor and tell you what the most common cause is.

 

things have been hot and col for the last 2 months and i dont know what to do.

More on that in a moment. It is all part of the bigger picture.

 

she obviously knows how much i love her and how much i want to be a family,

This is "knowing",...but unfortunately it lacks the "feeling". Does she feel you love her? Does she feel you want a family? Her behavor tells me that what she "knows" and what she "feels" are not consistent to her,...and it is always the feeling that carries the most impact.

 

its like shes stretching this out.

That is probably exactly what she is doing. She is holding out till the feelings match up with what she sees and hears.

 

The most common cause of this problem is neediness from the man. Men tend to only see neediness in obvious forms like the guy down on his knees, wringing his hands, saying "Please, please love me!. But that is just a cartoon. Neediness shows itself in a lot of different ways and often are very covert.

 

Women aren't attracted to guys that need the woman excessively. Women are not attracted to a guy who looks "up" to them. She does not want to be the guy's "Everything", in other words she doesn't want a guy who gets his strength and purpose from her. She wants a guy that she can look up to him, that she can rely on him, she wants him to "have it all together" independently of her so she can rest in it, feel safe, and relax. She needs to feel that being with a particular guy is a "step up" for her (compared to herself alone), and that doesn't mean money and jobs although there can be a element of that.

 

You said she has your child. Having a child magnifies what I am saying way beyond what it would be if there was no child. The maternal instinct kicks in and the "solidness" of the man becomes way way more important. The quality of the man in her life becomes way more important than if the guy just happens to be the biological father or not.

 

Unfortunately, you can write books on this stuff (many have) and it is way too big of an issue for me to give the explanation the effort and detail that it deserves, in a web forum environment like this.

Edited January 28, 2019 by PRW

[allalone11]

It does make sense. I was needy in some ways. And we at some point were more like room mates when it came to certain things. She wants me to sleep over tonight n watch a movie n probly have sex. N cuddle. I get anxiety when i go there now because of how she acts. Like its not even the real her. But for some reason i feel like its an act and i feel like she emotionally intimidates me with her lack of caring. Or lack of being hurt(of course the. She dumped me n knows she can have me back so obviously she doesnt feel the loss like i do) also like i said earlier that i knoticed when i dont chase her she comes around getting me too. I love this girl and i get she wants chhange. But god dam. Her timing for this bs sucks. N it stresses me out more than it should. Because im gold in this relationship too. But she makes me feel like im not

 

I just want things to go back to normal ugh

[PRW]

It does make sense. I was needy in some ways. And we at some point were more like room mates when it came to certain things. She wants me to sleep over tonight n watch a movie n probly have sex. N cuddle. I get anxiety when i go there now because of how she acts. Like its not even the real her. But for some reason i feel like its an act and i feel like she emotionally intimidates me with her lack of caring. Or lack of being hurt(of course the. She dumped me n knows she can have me back so obviously she doesnt feel the loss like i do) also like i said earlier that i knoticed when i dont chase her she comes around getting me too. I love this girl and i get she wants chhange. But god dam. Her timing for this bs sucks. N it stresses me out more than it should. Because im gold in this relationship too. But she makes me feel like im not

 

I just want things to go back to normal ugh

I'm going to recommend the same book that I seem to do all the time here. It is called "How to be a 3% Man" by Corey Way. It is short 200+ pages and the paperback is only $20. But you can watch if for free from Wayne's website.

[allalone11]

I'm going to recommend the same book that I seem to do all the time here. It is called "How to be a 3% Man" by Corey Way. It is short 200+ pages and the paperback is only $20. But you can watch if for free from Wayne's website.

 

I'm laying beside her right now. I was rubbing her back n was going to initiate sex but I stopped. It's not the same. With out the love from her end it's really nothing. I feel weird being here. My foot is touching hers. But I feel like I'm here just to diminish her guilt. Or outta pity. It could all be in my head. But is it? . Asoon as I realised that she hasn't tried to be close once. Quickly got turned off. Hard on went away. Really why am I here? Trying to mend a relationship by my self. Why she's facing the other way problem pretending to be asleep. God what happens to her. She's not the same with out love. N I don't feel it coming from her. It's only me showing it. N I feel like I'm drifting away now m thus is fuhced

[Twizzlestick]

Hi Op.

 

In your post am I right in thinking she already has broken up with you?

 

She’s controlling this. She’s ended it. She has shut down channels of communication. She is getting friends with benefits. That is complete control and doesn’t paint a picture of someone allowing the other person room to sort this out. I think she’s keeping you in position whilst she thinks of her next move. I honestly do.

 

Bit weird when you tried to communicate regarding the position you both are in she responded “awww”. That’s astonishingly patronising. Bit of an alarm bell to me that one.

 

You’re not an emotional servant paid for this. Yeeaaah, women work differently to men. But take a step back. She has a hole in her face called a mouth and an adult brain. She’s acting diabolically. And you’re allowing yourself to be doormatted.

 

She’s ended it with you, I can’t see how you’re gonna get it back from this position. I think yes try the alpha stuff if you think you can pull it off.

 

In reality I think you might find that impossible. You’re in great pain and unless one is a psychopath you’ll find it impossible to pull this stunt off from this situation of rapidly shifting dynamic pain and control.

 

I reckon it’s past the point where you’re going to have to say you feel strongly towards her, that you see a future, you respect her decision to end it, but contuneing like this isn’t on the cards, and if she changes her mind and wants to have an adventure into the future then drop you a line”. And then just take time apart and get back to you. If it’s not regular form for you in your rele to pull away from her the shock of you growing a pair might leave her fumbling for the keys.

 

Obviously that’s incredibly challenging with the child. But that’s my thoughts. I’ve been where you are and what’s going on is a huge power shift and it doesn’t go well after this. You’re not merely two people with problems trying to BOTH work it out. If she were struggling with the rele then yes, work on it. But she’s dumped you and is now in complete control of you and has shown zero interests in communicating. It’s a one way street now.

 

Go for a long walk, and have a think. Take ownership for you when you do your thinking. What would you say to a mate if he told you this story?

[PRW]

I'm laying beside her right now.

 

What?!?! I guess we're all lucky you don't have a web cam?

 

I was rubbing her back n was going to initiate sex but I stopped.

Initiate sex? You think it is like executing a computer program? Hoping it doesn't crash or throw an error?