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An eventual break-up story. World's longest post. Not for the faint of heart!


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This is basically a very long anecdote that I typed up to get things off my chest. I don’t know any reason why I should share this publicly, but I am anyway. Click away if you don’t like long, LONG ranty posts.



 

Another thing. The first, oh, maybe two-thirds of this was typed up while I was still in my relationship, as a method of release, while the final one-third was typed up just now, occurring several days after the break up. So when I say "I have a girlfriend" I no longer have a girlfriend.

 

If you're still in for this, then sit down, buckle up and grab a beverage.

 

Also, the names have been replaced to protect the innocent. Or maybe not so innocent? Anyway...

 

I have a girlfriend. I love my girlfriend. I tell her that I love her all the time. Kind of. That is, if text messages count for anything. I’m not entirely sure they do... but that’s all I’m granted these days. I barely get to be with her anymore.

 

See, this started in December of 2017. She’s Shelly’s baby sister for starters. No, that’s not right. That isn’t her identity at all. Laura is her own person. But it is the truth, and really pretty incredible.

 

Time out. Let me explain. Shelly is a girl I dated almost 20 years ago, as a teenager. This relationship was all give and no take for me. I was miserable almost all the time because of her, and this has defined who I am today more than any of the other events in my life. It took years for me to get over her and what she did to me, and honestly I don’t think I am completely healed from it still. That’s another story, but that book is closed and staying on the shelf forever.

 

Anyway, here we are around 20 years after my and Shelly’s “time” and somehow Laura (my girlfriend) re-entered my life as an adult. Because Laura is 7 years younger than Shelly, Laura and I obviously didn’t talk much when I was still a teenager. She was in grade school. I remember that child from all those years ago, and she remembers me fondly. I was respectful to her big sister and she has a little kid crush on me. Well, fast forward to just about a year ago, and Laura reached out to me for the first time in our adult lives. She got my phone number from someone at church, and then she started texting me that very same day, wanting to go out on a date. Well, maybe not a “date”, date, but she did want to meet up. Just to talk for the first time. She remembers me from her childhood and wants to catch up. Nothing inherently fishy there, right? Deciding whether or not to go was hell for me though. Where do I even begin here? There were a lot of things that scared me about her.

 

Problem one, she’s Shelly’s sister. Remember, Shelly hurt me badly. I didn’t watch to drudge that up ever again. And this girl is her sister? Oh no. That scared the living **** out of me at the time. I don’t honestly care about that anymore, but that was my primary concern at first. Even before concerns like... Laura has an ex-husband. And 3 children. With 2 men. Taking care of just 1 of those kids. And a little 1-year-old boy named Luke. It was mortifying. I figured I was doing her a favor by going on this not-date, so we could talk a little and I’d just get the hell out of there.

 

This was going to be the short version, and I guess it is, because I’m leaving out a ton of probably irrelevant information. But I did decide to go. And that not-date was... fine. I didn’t feel like we resonated. But she’s socially awkward and so am I, and looking back she probably really was very nervous that day. I truly think she’s had her sights set on me since that day. That’s despite her absolute insistence that dating and marriage wasn’t at all her motivation for meeting up. At first I felt that of course it must be on her mind. Single mother, possibly desperate for companionship, asking another single guy out? Uh, cue the red flags and sirens. She also said that, no matter what, even if there is something between us, we “shouldn’t rush anything.” “Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.” “Make no commitments.” “Let’s just wait.” These are all things she absolutely insisted upon for the longest time. So that’s exactly how I handled our friendship.

 

Yeah, friendship. That’s somehow what came from that not-date. We continued to share text messages and the extremely rare phone call. However we didn’t meet up again until her birthday nearly 2 months later. See, I found out she wasn’t doing anything on her birthday. That seemed lousy and just lonely to me. And so, I just told her I was taking her out to do something. She was very happy, and she decided on bowling, and she had other ideas too for that night (nothing weird I assure you) but we just stayed at the bowling alley instead. We bowled a little, walked around the silly little arcade, sat around and talked, maybe flirted just a little. We just had plain fun. Honestly, I had a fantastic time. That was probably when I started actually liking this woman. A lot. I mean, I liked texting with her every few days. That’s all we were up until then. Text buddies. I shared a little bit of my life with her, but that’s probably because I was just desperate for someone to talk to. I have very few friends, and none that I can just call and hang out with. The few friends I ever had are still in contact with me... but they’ve moved away, thanks to their jobs. And I have no other friends of the opposite sex. That’s clearly all my fault, and I’m not going to go there right now.

 

Anyway, as time passed, our friendship eventually grew. But definitely not in some linear fashion. There were weeks where we shared all kinds of personal things, and everything felt pretty great. Immediately following there would be months where we didn’t share a single word. Not one. I just went with it sometimes. I hated it, but I went with it. It’s not like she was my girlfriend or anything (not yet anyway). Or that I thought I really meant anything to her. Not in my pathetic, self-loathing mind. I was just a text buddy. Another living, breathing adult that she could talk to when it was convenient for her. So when I thought she wanted to be left alone, I did just that. Remembering it like that... that always felt like the best way to handle it. It made sense to me, and it meant never committing to anything, just as I was asked to. It especially made sense when I didn’t honestly know where the hell I ranked in her life. There were times I felt like I was her best friend, there were times when I felt... like maybe I was just a piece of **** that doesn’t matter at all to her.

 

I am now her boyfriend. She asks me to come over... just every once in a while... but is it even because she wants to see me? Or is it some kind of boyfriend maintenance thing? Just to keep me breathing? I don’t feel like she genuinely wants my company anymore. But if she goes too long without seeing me she probably thinks I’ll start to understand what’s really going on behind the curtain. I have an emotional IQ higher than she thinks. I can piece things together better than most people can. It’s like I can smell it.

 

Let me back up again, because we went from text buddies to being in a real relationship somehow in there. But that’s not entirely different from what really happened either. I’m going to guess it was this past September when we made some sort of connection. At that time we reconnected, after she went totally dark for over 2 months. I didn’t hear a damn word from her, but I didn’t try to connect with her either. It turns out she went to live with a friend for a couple months, and didn’t have a phone or anything to contact me with. (?) Who knows. Actually, let’s back up a little more.

 

In July we were becoming better friends. We’d shared some intimate stories with each other. I’ll be honest. Laura used to be into bondage. And I mean she was into very extreme bondage. That revelation was only a part of her intimate story. Well, my turn to share something, and it turns out that I have been into bondage since I was a 3 year old kid. Bondage games were fun for me as a child, and when I started to grow up, I became aware that it was also a sexual outlet for me. So I proposed she and I play some bondage games. Nothing extreme... not even remotely. I asked her to tie me up a little while we were just hanging out one day. Clothes on, no touching, nothing especially weird here, if you keep in mind that it’s two consensual adults doing something they both enjoy. It was supposed to be two close friends sharing something we considered beautiful and fun. She initially agreed to the idea, but then it didn’t actually happen. She apologized and said that bondage wasn’t something she was comfortable doing with me... at least, it wasn’t yet. I respected her wishes, obviously, and I let it go.

 

And then shortly afterwards she just disappeared for those 2 months. Totally dark. I figured that wasn’t an accident. And I figured somehow I’d crossed a line and I’d never see or hear from her. Then in September she reappears magically and wants to be great friends again. I was more than happy to let her back in my life. I honestly missed the hell out of that woman. I don’t know if I started to love her by this time. I don’t know exactly when it happened. Starting with this new reforged friendship, we just kept building on it. She so very quickly came back to me, and way stronger than even before. I don’t really know why, and I doubt that I’ll ever know why, but she was suddenly clinging to the idea of “us” so very much.

 

By November we were literally talking about marriage. Please keep in mind we were not really even dating yet! I don’t know who started this talk either. But I think maybe she’d been considering it since that very first not-date after all, almost a year before. I think we could have started a relationship months ago, but still, all this time, she kept insisting we take everything glacially slow. “Don’t rush anything.” “I’m not pressuring you into this.” Well, she definitely wasn’t pressuring me, but why take it slow anymore? This is dumb. We really seem to like each other. Even love each other. Why remain alone anymore? Why are we doing this to ourselves and to each other?

 

Ok, maybe it’s because my life and her life individually are in shambles. Neither of us are working. Which is really bad for a 34 year old man by the way. Neither of us are ready for a boyfriend or girlfriend, logistically speaking. We don’t have our own houses, or money saved up, or anything at all going for us as truly responsible adults. She has her own infant son, but that isn’t making things simpler. So... that’s why we should take it slow, I guess. But being together... that would provide some much-needed motivation to get off our asses and do something about our individually sorry lives.

 

By this last December, I was ready to burst. I mean, I loved this girl. I had started going over to her stepdad's house every single day to see her and we’d just hang out til midnight. We had a decent amount of privacy too, considering 4 other people live in that house. It was so great. Every day was wonderful, even if nothing useful got done. I just got to be with her. The woman I wanted to be with, maybe for the rest of my life. No, definitely for the rest of my life. And eventually I said screw it. I asked her to go on a real date... finally. She was very happy to say yes, no real surprise there. For some reason we had a very strong emotional connection, and would casually talk about our wedding day and what we wanted the colors to be... things that “just friends” don’t talk about. Her words always said “slow” but after everything we’d talked about in the past year, I began to really think she always actually meant “as soon as you’ll have me.”

 

So then, the first few weeks as a more-or-less official couple were just wonderful. She continued to ask me over every single day. Which worked because we didn’t have jobs at the time. We watched movies on the couch until late at night. I cuddled up against her and I had never been so happy in my entire life. And I haven’t been as happy since then either. ...At some point it’s like she completely revised what’s okay and what just absolutely isn’t okay. And keep in mind I’m talking about just hugging her body while we watch movies. Not touching anything sensitive, no fancy kissing, in fact no kissing at all over the first couple weeks of the relationship. But it was okay then. The kisses would come, I figured.

 

One day I did just go for the kiss, and I was kind of awful, but I’m not that stuck on it. I enjoyed it anyway and knew there’d be lots of chances going forward to kiss her better. Also keep in mind these aren’t passionate kisses I’m talking about either. Just pecks on the lips. That’s all she’ll allow, like, period. I tried a very small amount of tongue once and got completely shut down... even though, before, she had told me that some tongue WAS good and that I could try when I was ready. But instead of just going for it, she basically gave me homework. I was to go on the internet and learn how to kiss her properly, so that my kisses would be decent. (Which seems extremely weird to me. Why can’t we just experiment first? I have to YouTube this? Seriously?) So even these days our kisses were basically small pecks on the lips and they wouldn't go from there. She just doesn’t want anything above just that. Ever. Not now and not even if I were her husband. I hate that. I want to kiss her the way I want to kiss her, but it isn’t happening... so tangent over. It will never stop bothering me, but tangent over.

 

Then, this one-sided cuddling thing was scratched completely, as one day she just decided that she would just live on the other side of the couch. Away from me. But still, I tried scooting over to put my arm around her shoulder when it seemed right. Anytime I tried, though, after mere seconds she basically tells me to stop that and go sit far enough away that you can't reach me. Also, understand that even in the nice honeymoon phase of our early boyfriend-girlfriend relationship she never reached out to cuddle or hug on me or anything at all. No classic head on the shoulder, not one damn thing. Not ever. Not ONCE. All the contact was from me to her and never once has she reached for me. I generally am allowed a light hug and a small peck as she ushers me out the door... at 430 in the afternoon. A far cry from hanging out until midnight, by the way. … Just what was happening here?

 

But the point I really want to make right now is I felt like she just didn’t like my company anymore. She wasn’t giving me more than a few short recycled text messages each day. And I get to go over there once or twice a week, if I’m lucky. Supposedly it’s because she’s tired. Why is she so tired? I know she’s got physical and mental issues, and to be completely fair I can’t imagine having any energy either if I were her. And she’s got to take care of a 1 year old. That probably does make her really damn tired. But why doesn’t she try to get some sleep every night? How come around 630 in the evening I get the “I’m going to bed soon goodnight I love you” recycled text message, and then I see that she’s just consistently active on facebook for the next 8 hours? And even longer? What’s she doing? Go to sleep, babe. That’s why you’re so tired, you think? Obviously she isn’t going to bed at all at 630. She probably retires to her room to escape her stepfather and stepbrother, yes, but she’s not going to bed. Then why cut me off at 630? Even from just sending simple text messages? “Screw this guy, I’m just telling him I’m going to bed so he’ll leave me alone for the rest of the day.” I mean what am I supposed to think?

 

It’s beyond frustrating to have a girlfriend that simultaneously wants to marry you and also shuts you the hell down like it’s her job. I am treated like I’m a zero more often than anything else. Do I really drain you of your energy? Why is it that some days (most days) you’re just too tired for me to come and sit on your couch anymore? I don’t do anything when I’m there. No, actually, I do plenty. When I do go I basically take care of her kid, which includes changing diapers and keeping him fed and playing with him, so if anything that should be helping you to relax. And this is totally beside the fact that if I’m actually someone you love and want to spend your life with, you really shouldn’t consider that man to be draining to you! He’s supposed to lift you up. I don’t even see HOW I’m not providing that for her. I do everything right when I’m there. I’m not taxing to be around, I am one of the quietest people on the planet. All I can think is she just doesn’t like my company anymore. True or not, that’s all I can think here.

 

Maybe I shouldn’t have gone off the rails like this. But honestly, this rant is like a 3 out of 10. These can get way worse if I bring up her past. Her past... maybe it shouldn’t matter to me. But when I remember stories of the guys she’s slept with, and posed in pictures for, and gotten stupid drunk with, and this is the **** I shouldn’t really be mulling over because it really discourages me... I mean goddamn it she used to be in a place in her life where she’d sleep with guys she didn’t even know... and now I, who she supposedly wants to marry, he can’t put his ARM around her shoulder when he needs to? How is this supposed to make me feel? How am I supposed to feel close to this woman when I now feel inferior to some piece of **** she brought home one day, who totally removed himself from the picture before she had his baby. Please tell me how I’m supposed to feel. Please tell me how she used to be a self-proclaimed “rope bunny” and let some idiot piece of **** take pictures of her nude in bondage, but her boyfriend who’s crazy for this kind of **** can’t even speak of rope in her presence. Why. Please just tell me why.

 

And then... something happened.

 

Enter the final “one-third” of this post. Remember, everything above this line was written a couple weeks ago, when we were still together, and everything below was made just now.

 

After 10 consecutive days of blowing me off, she asked me to meet her for lunch. Big surprise—it's over between us. Here’s how she basically put it. She believes she can’t look after herself because she can’t simultaneously have a boyfriend while she’s improving her own life. However, she would like to consider us in the “dating” category for the time being... more than just friends, but not in a relationship. And that we should be able to get back on track after she gets her own life together.

 

I honestly did not understand this logic when she presented it to me, and I do not understand it now. Real relationships aren’t easy. Both people aren’t guaranteed to be in a place where they love all the decisions they’ve made up to now. But partners are there to support one another, they help each other to build. Let’s use each other to build a new life instead of just taking on the world individually, all by ourselves. But instead, I just respected her decision, gave her a smile and told her that I would still be “there” for her when she needed me. Not as a boyfriend, but if she needed help with anything I would be there. True friends are there when you need them, after all. I promised to be that kind of friend for her... whether she deserved it or not.

 

So, I went home. Then, later that night, and after really struggling with my feelings, I was ready to say a few words to her. Despite breaking up with me in person, she doesn’t like “real talk” in person (which is a giant red flag all on its own, really, and actually communicating with her is very difficult), so instead I send her the following series of text messages.

 

(Start)

 

“My turn to try putting things into words.

 

“I think we just have to be friends now. Not dating, not hopeful for the future. I wanted to be exactly whatever it is that you needed for me to be, but I am honestly not sure either of us know what I need to be in your life... except “there.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere, but for now and maybe forever, I don’t think I can handle being more than a great friend. One you can turn to anytime. Whether it’s to pull you out of a ditch of a terrible accident, or meet up for a caramel frappe, or just to talk about the color of the sky. (All of these things actually happened, folks).

 

“I’ll always be there in the background when you need me, so this isn’t goodbye. I am just not a critical part of your everyday life.

 

“Above all, I just want you to be at peace with your decision. Please work very hard to become the person you want to be, and one day I hope that God sends you someone who fills your every need... and Luke’s too.”

 

(End)

 

That’s exactly what I said to her. Or, well, texted to her. Her reply was, “OK if that’s what you want.”

 

?!?

 

Of course it isn't what I want! Are you freaking kidding me?? … That’s how I felt at the time. Now I feel like maybe that it is what I want. Or more importantly, what I need.

 

She never seemed to understand the sacrifices I was willing to make for her. Actually I really need to say this now: I know she’s the one that’s been through hell, not me. Although she says she’d do it all again, her life has been really, really ****ty. It’s time to try to break this down. This is only the list of things I KNOW about. And probably in no particular order, since assigning an order to a list like this isn’t particularly meaningful.

 

1) She grew up without a father figure. At 5 months old her dad skipped out on her family’s life. Her mother has been married a total of 6 different men in her lifetime. I don’t know exactly how many of these men Laura ever knew but they were nothing remotely close to a father to her.

 

2) She didn’t finish high school. I think she got her GED or something along those lines though. She never attempted a higher education. She’s unemployed.

 

3) She married some military ******* (why do women go for this type?) who gave her 2 little girls, and after 5 years of marriage then a horrible divorce, she’s lost that family. They’re 1000 miles away and she’s 100% cut off from her girls thanks to a restraining order.

 

4) She’s had 5 miscarriages. I do not know to which men, but I know there have been many men besides her husband.

 

5) After her divorce, she spent months in a mental facility, because she had complete meltdown. When she was released she returned home to live at her mother and stepfather’s house, where she didn’t waste much time hooking up with some other idiot who gave her a son. This idiot disappeared as soon as he possibly could. He never even met the child and his name is not even on the child’s birth certificate.

 

6) The pregnancy brought several life-threatening tumors in her chest, which had to be cut out. She was not guaranteed to survive.

 

7) From what I understand, at that particular point in her life she regularly drank, smoked, and brought a number of men back home to fool around with. She was very experimental. She was never comfortable in telling me all of the sexual things she tried with these men. Not that I asked. She just randomly shared sometimes.

 

8) She went to sketchy “professional” photographers who took slutty pictures of her. Naked. In bondage. Not the most modest of decisions. Maybe this doesn’t belong on this list, but it says something to her character, in my opinion.

 

9) She has her tubes not just tied, but burnt. I don’t understand the redundancy. But she can’t have more children. One more pregnancy would literally kill her because her body is so damaged from all the surgeries and complications.

 

10) I forgot to mention that the child she most recently carried was so huge he had to be cut out of her. That is not entirely uncommon, granted.

 

11) She has metal rods in her spine. It is hard for her to stand up or carry anything.

 

12) She is anemic, she takes ADHD medication, antidepressants, and more meds that she never made clear to me.

 

13) She raises this baby boy with some help from her mother and stepfather, but this is mostly financial support and a shelter to live in. I guess that is in fact a lot of help, but just the child alone seems to take up all her free time and all her energy, which is sapped from an inability to go to sleep every night. Often she takes melatonin pills that are supposed to make her go to sleep but she’s built up something of an immunity to it now and it doesn’t work well.

 

The woman has no energy at all from all this mental and physical stress, and no real drive or desire to do anything at any given time. And I don’t mean the will to stand up and get out of the house for an evening, I mean she can’t even focus on watching tv. Or be bothered to put her arms around me. Or even allow me to hold her. She cannot and will not do anything. And I never made her do anything she didn’t want to do. Nothing. No touching, certainly not inappropriate touching... no forcing her to get out of the house... Not. One. Thing. I gave in to her every single request.

 

So... as a single, healthy man, why would I even want to be in such a paralyzing position? I have goals in life. I am still excited for my future, where she seems to have given up on having one altogether. She made her choices and has to live with the results. Why should I be punished for her poor decisions?

 

When I committed myself to her, I was willing to accept ALL of those problems and help her to cope with them as best as she possibly could. If that meant never getting out of the house, never experiencing anything fun together, working extra hard to take care of our house (not to mention handle my job and career... which is still undecided) and putting up with a crabby attitude all the time it was a sacrifice I was going to make all for her sake. Never getting even the simplest physical satisfaction from her that I desperately crave. No putting my arms around her, no giving her the types of kisses I want to share with her... she isn’t interested in many the same things as me either. She isn’t interested in many of the things I like. I enjoy card games, board games, going bowling, golfing, hell I want to start running every day if I can make myself.

 

…But I never would experience these things together with her. And instead I would almost literally have a ball and chain on my leg taking care of this very disabled woman and her child every day for the rest of my life. And not my child, either. Not ever having children of my very own. Remember she can’t have more kids, so add that to the list of things I was willing to give up on. I was willing to give her everything. Even so...

 

I WASN’T ENOUGH FOR HER.

 

THANKS FOR KICKING MY ASS TO THE CURB.

 

IT’S ACTUALLY THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME!

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You are right to take this off your chest, and this is the right place to journal.

 

I would recommend taking your own advice next time around! Write a small list of your inalienable principles, and don't settle next time! You believe in kids, don't date someone who doesn't want them. Make it a point to sort out the inalienable principles ahead of time.

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OP, believe me when I tell you that life is often confusing, and some people are just, for lack of a better term, tremendously damaged... Hardwired to self destruct, so to speak.

 

It is however tragic when well adjusted people with the purest intentions cross their paths, because it seldomly ends well, not in favor of the pure intentions at all.

 

You will also find that those people will often complain that their relationships are unfulfilling, or just plain dysfunctional, yet, they have sabotaged great relationships before.

 

I've been through deep waters with partners who in the end treated me like garbage, and basically left my left on the edge of ruin...yet, everything I did for them was totally out of love and care.

 

I know it hurts. Like a mofo! But, after stepping out of a 4 year battle of a relationship with complete disregard for my wellbeing, I can say today that the heartache and pain and self doubt and all the negativity I felt at the time, was totally worth not having to deal with that persons problems anymore.

 

Your part: So... as a single, healthy man, why would I even want to be in such a paralyzing position? I have goals in life. I am still excited for my future, where she seems to have given up on having one altogether. She made her choices and has to live with the results. Why should I be punished for her poor decisions? ... Keep focusing on that...find strength in that. Its very true words.

 

Best of luck! This too shall pass.

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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Yes, she is a very damaged person, and that made it absolutely impossible for her to relate to me and my challenges in life. She might just have to find someone else who has been to hell and back. I don't know if she can respect anyone who has been through less.

 

 

I do think that there are times when it is appropriate to make self-sacrifices for the people you love and want to be with. For the longest time I thought she would appreciate the sacrifices that I was already making and the considerable ones that I'd have to make in order to be with her (like, raising her son, taking care of a very weary wife, etc.). But she never vocalized that appreciation to me. Not at all. She just kind of took it for granted that I was going to bend to her every need instead of seeing it from my perspective, too. But again, this leads back to her utter lack of empathy.

 

 

And I don't have to take it. I love her very much, but I don't have to live that way. It's easier to drop it and walk away when everything goes unappreciated and unnoticed.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Some days are harder than others.

 

Yeah, I know it's only been a little over a week. But, man... sometimes I feel really angry, then other times just sad and depressed. I feel like contacting her one minute, and the next minute I'm resolved never to talk to her again. It's crazy.

 

The small victories come when I realize I haven't thought about her for a couple of hours. Every little thing seems to remind me of her. Then I start to wonder if she ever thinks about me... or if she ever regrets giving it all up... or if she's ever even going to reach out to me again.

 

It's been just over one week now since I texted her last. She's been completely silent. Also, I've had my facebook page on temporary suspension, so that I'm not as tempted to log on and check her page to see what she's been up to. I believe you guys call this No Contact, but it sucks. I still love her, but I know in my mind that this relationship, even if it could be repaired, wouldn't make me happy for long. That's really the only reason I'm able to stay NC. She isn't good for me, and I guess I'm no good for her. Still holding onto that as tight as I can.

 

I'm pretty pissed about her timing though... her birthday is this week. I had actually bought her a present a while back, and she knew about it and that I couldn't wait to give it to her... that was a whole week before she broke it off with me. I told her I had her present early, and I also had asked her what she'd like to do for her birthday, and I got an unexpected reaction from her. She just seemed angry that I had already bought something for her, and also told me she probably wouldn't want to do anything at all on her birthday. I understand her reaction now. She'd been thinking about ending it a long time ago. And when she learned I'd already bought her a present, that upset her. I'm sure she was thinking she'd be able to break up with me before I would even think about getting her a present. But the kind of guy I am... I already had it ready a few weeks in advance. Something I special ordered online. And then had embroidered from a shop locally. It was a really nice gift. I went ahead and made her accept the gift the day she broke up with me. I surely wasn't going to want to keep it. And it already had her name stitched on it.

 

Anyway, I'm just upset because it felt like she knew she wanted to end it before her birthday and then Valentine's Day could come up. I was already planning in my head what we could do for those days... and when those days do roll around, I won't even know what to do with myself. Do I break NC just to say Happy Birthday? Do I just utterly ignore her? It's hard pretending like she doesn't exist. We have a good number of mutual acquaintances who knew we were together, and they were very happy for us both... and I don't even know who of them know we aren't together anymore. So when I'm around them, I'm always afraid of them asking about Laura. And what do I get to say? It's over? She ended it? We ended it? I don't even know how to handle that scenario. I'm friends with some pretty nosy people so there's no world where that conversation will be easy for me.

 

I don't have a lot of time to decide about this. If I don't wish her a happy birthday, she's not going to want to talk to me again. She might confront me and ask why I didn't at least send her a message. We might be in NC right now, but I feel SURE she hasn't noticed. That's just the kind of woman she is. She keeps to herself better than anyone I've ever met. I think days go by where she doesn't even realize that she hasn't heard from me. But here I am, nearly every waking moment, in agony, just trying to forget it all. I really hate this. Fundamentally this is why our relationship never would have worked. I get attached easily, and she forgets easily. Lucky her.

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If she's as quiet as you say, she's not going to ask why you didn't wish her a happy birthday. Respect her wishes and stay NC. She is not a relevant part of your life anymore, and as hard as that is to hear you have to start living it.

 

We've all had the "oh, we broke up" conversation with friends and family. "It wasn't working out" is all the elaboration you need. Most people don't actually want to hurt others, so when it's evident the subject is painful (as it will be no matter how you try) they'll drop it.

 

As you've learned, you are going through a ton of emotions right now. Honor them but remember even the worst ones will pass, whether it takes a few minutes or a few days. Try to set a routine. Spend time on things you love or used to love; think about who you are, who you were, and who you're becoming. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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Her birthday has come and gone. I didn't say anything. I'm so glad I didn't. But I have to confess something. I crept her facebook page today.

 

It's half full of passive-aggressive bullcrap that seems to be aimed towards me. I'm not going to be specific, but basically it's stuff like, how she's gotten rid of her old inner circle, and how she claims to be happy for the first time in a long time. Good. I hope she is. It sounds like a bunch of fake ****, but fine. I needed to see all that, so that I can feel sure I am doing the right thing by removing myself from this person's life.

 

She just isn't all there in the head. I always knew that, but I felt like I could somehow be the solution to her problems. That sounds ridiculous now, I know. My blood is still boiling a bit from reading those facebook posts, but despite that I'm feeling pretty good about how I've handled everything. It's time to look out for number one for a while.

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  • 1 month later...
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First I want to say, sorry for the necro. Well maybe this topic isn't all that old, but it is all still extremely relevant to me, and that's why I'm here.

 

No, we still haven't contacted each other, and that's been a good thing. I really doubt we'll ever come back around at all, and I say this not out of spite or something, but rather because the last couple months have given me time to reflect on myself.

 

I definitely loved her. Maybe I still do, but it doesn't honestly matter right now. What does matter is this... I've come to realize that I was even more in love with the feeling of purpose I derived from being in a relationship with her. This means that it could have been just about anyone... not just her. Just about any woman at all could have provided that kind of satisfaction. Waking every day knowing that someone (and her child) are counting on me, it's like a hit of dopamine every day that made me feel alive. Her myriad of weaknesses only made me want to protect her more. And I loved feeling like I was the only one who could really potentially help her out of a bad situation and give her a happy life.

 

As hard as I was reaching out for her the whole time, she was pushing away just as hard, until the relationship broke in half. She took away my sense of purpose... which understandably made me very upset. Suddenly I had no reason to get out of bed. Nothing to protect. A man needs that to thrive, I believe. I'm a special case, because my personality type is such that I NEED to feel needed. Even personality tests have confirmed that for me. And when she basically told me, "I don't need you," that was a dagger. I was totally shattered by that. The very object of my affection was the source of some of the worst pain I've ever felt. But that wasn't actually her fault. I made a bad decision to bet my life on her so quickly. I just kind of jumped in head first because it felt good. Knowing how incredibly damaged she is and how naive and good-natured I am, it's no wonder this eventually backfired. Better for her to go ahead and reject me now than to wait. So I'm still thankful she dumped me as soon as she did.

 

I'm really glad this relationship happened. Sure it was basically a garbage fire, but I've learned some things about myself. I've always been a big ball of affection, waiting for someone to give all of this love to. I know how potentially cliche (and maybe even creepy?) that sounds but it's really true. Other people can see it. Laura was in a position to receive all of that love, and there's a decent chance it scared her away. In the future I'll try not to come on so strong I guess.

 

Finally I really am starting to feel at peace with this. I'm not mad at her, and I don't regret anything that happened. It's too soon for this still, but I think I could be her friend again one day, knowing that I loved the idea of responsibility to her more than I actually loved her. And if she was dumb enough to let me go, then I wouldn't even want to be more than a buddy to her!

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