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Going NC, but my ex stops at my house


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 24th December 2018, 10:03 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by Hope4thefuture View Post
I am trying to stay busy so I keep him off my mind. I have made plans with friends for the upcoming weekend. The holidays do make it hard. No one to buy presents for and no one to celebrate New Years with.

I keep thinking about what he might be doing, who is he celebrating with this year. How I wish it was with me, but I know that will never happen again. I am trying to hold back the tears and be strong. But how this hurts so much.
I'm sorry. I know how hard it is, I really do. I think about all the same things and I'm sure a bunch of people here do. This board is good for helping you realize that your thoughts and fears are really common.

One change in perspective that I've been trying to use to my advantage is to think "Is his behavior good enough for me?". Not "does he want me back" or "will I hear from him again?" -- although I must confess those thoughts are there. I try to think of whether what he is doing (intermittent contact, no commitment, BS breadcrumb messages, etc) is good enough for me. I know the answer for myself is NO, although it is really hard to admit. I'm trying to focus on this as a way to strengthen my boundaries. I think, for a lot of us, when we meet someone that we get excited about and that we start to care about, we overlook small things in the beginning. Then those small things get bigger over time. The amount of effort someone puts in starts to decline, but we are ok with it because we don't want to lose that person. So we lower our expectations and it keeps happening until the other person is really treating us badly. Then we're trapped in a cycle where we can't let go, but we're getting so little for our effort.

What he is doing is NOT good enough for you. Hopefully, after some time, that will be the only thing that you think of when he crosses your mind. Focus on not giving attention (meaning texting him, answering his messages, seeing him, sleeping with him) to someone that is not giving you what you deserve. When he does something and you can ask "is he doing what I deserve?" and answer yes, then you can talk to him again.
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Old 24th December 2018, 1:05 PM   #47
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I'm sorry. I know how hard it is, I really do. I think about all the same things and I'm sure a bunch of people here do. This board is good for helping you realize that your thoughts and fears are really common.

One change in perspective that I've been trying to use to my advantage is to think "Is his behavior good enough for me?". Not "does he want me back" or "will I hear from him again?" -- although I must confess those thoughts are there. I try to think of whether what he is doing (intermittent contact, no commitment, BS breadcrumb messages, etc) is good enough for me. I know the answer for myself is NO, although it is really hard to admit. I'm trying to focus on this as a way to strengthen my boundaries. I think, for a lot of us, when we meet someone that we get excited about and that we start to care about, we overlook small things in the beginning. Then those small things get bigger over time. The amount of effort someone puts in starts to decline, but we are ok with it because we don't want to lose that person. So we lower our expectations and it keeps happening until the other person is really treating us badly. Then we're trapped in a cycle where we can't let go, but we're getting so little for our effort.

What he is doing is NOT good enough for you. Hopefully, after some time, that will be the only thing that you think of when he crosses your mind. Focus on not giving attention (meaning texting him, answering his messages, seeing him, sleeping with him) to someone that is not giving you what you deserve. When he does something and you can ask "is he doing what I deserve?" and answer yes, then you can talk to him again.

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely trying looking at it from this angle instead of all the wondering. It is very hard not to think about him and if he is missing me. But you are right. The way he was treating me was not right. I know I had some to do with that, letting it go on for so long.

I have made it one day with NC. I have reached out to friends for support. And most importantly I get to see my sweet boys for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day.
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Old 24th December 2018, 1:10 PM   #48
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Over the past month my ex would reach out to me through text and phone calls. He gave me a card for my birthday and called me for my birthday. He would flirt on the phone and even wanted to have phone sex. He would call me after work to see how I was and would even offer to drive me home after my work holiday party.

Was he just being friendly and I misread all these messages? Was this my fault that my feelings grew stronger again and he never misled me at all?
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Old 24th December 2018, 1:40 PM   #49
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That is great news!! I'm so glad you had a small victory today. Another thing that I find helpful is to try to think of each day as separate. When you think "I'm never going to talk to this person again", it feels so overwhelming and devastating. But none of know the future and strange things happen in life. You never know how things will work out or who you will meet. All we can deal with is today. What do you want and need today? It's ok to focus on only today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

As for your second post, go back and read what I said above about accepting less than we deserve. I don't doubt that he has some level of feelings for you and you're not crazy. But you want this guy to be your boyfriend in a committed relationship. Not to come and go as he pleases. Right now, you are accepting less than what you deserve because you'd rather have some of him than none of him. You don't want to lose him and are afraid to stand up for what you deserve. When we do this over time (I'm saying "we" because I have been guilty of this too), the other person learns that we will accept less. They don't have to go all in because we'll take crumbs. Trying to have phone sex with someone is not "being friendly". He wants to keep the status quo because it works for him. If it doesn't work for you (is this what you deserve?) then you HAVE TO stand up for yourself or he will keep doing it.
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Old 24th December 2018, 3:43 PM   #50
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Lots of time on my hands today and so my mind keeps playing things over and over. Many times my ex texted me to tell me that he only moved on because he heard I did. That if I hadnít then maybe we would be together. He was also texting the girl he is dating now before we officially broke up. He said it was nothing and she wasnít the reason. I am not saying she is, but it pisses me off that he blamed me moving forward. He made me believe that we might have worked had I not been the one to start dating. I am so mad that he made me doubt myself.
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Old 24th December 2018, 3:57 PM   #51
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It is an actual thing that some men will stick around exes and use them as FWBs. In fact access to potential sex is found to be the main reason men keep in contact with exes.

I guess this is what he did here. Your mind is all about getting back together and reconciliation and he fed into that by saying ďyou never know maybe we will get back together in the futureĒ over and over again and all he is really thinking is "Sex".


If he really wanted you back then he would have kicked his gf into touch.. but he hasn't and he is hitting you up now for easy sex...
I can't second the above more. I've seen it time and time again where they will hold onto an ex who is giving them sex declaring the "you never know....." and women fall for it only to have them move on with another woman.
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Old 24th December 2018, 4:32 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Hope4thefuture View Post
Lots of time on my hands today and so my mind keeps playing things over and over. Many times my ex texted me to tell me that he only moved on because he heard I did. That if I hadnít then maybe we would be together. He was also texting the girl he is dating now before we officially broke up. He said it was nothing and she wasnít the reason. I am not saying she is, but it pisses me off that he blamed me moving forward. He made me believe that we might have worked had I not been the one to start dating. I am so mad that he made me doubt myself.
This guy is full of malarkey and you know it, OP.

He had plenty of time to figure out if he wanted to continue WHILE he was still with you but he wanted ďspace.Ē What does he want now? Sex. A back-up plan in case things with his new girlfriend donít work out.

He doesnít value you. I donít get why you even allow him to conintie contacting you. Itís far past time to block him and start working on your own boundaries.
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Old 24th December 2018, 5:53 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by Hope4thefuture View Post
Over the past month my ex would reach out to me through text and phone calls. He gave me a card for my birthday and called me for my birthday. He would flirt on the phone and even wanted to have phone sex. He would call me after work to see how I was and would even offer to drive me home after my work holiday party.

Was he just being friendly and I misread all these messages? Was this my fault that my feelings grew stronger again and he never misled me at all?
This is really common behavior after a breakup.. I think people do this for any number of reasons. I think it could be boredom, habit, access to sex, an ego hit, keeping you on the back burner, or they could just miss talking to someone. It's more important to understand what the contact does not mean. And his contact does not mean that he wants to get back together with you. It's just really hard to admit to ourselves that someone may not want us. We'll stay in all kinds of denial to avoid admitting that.

You definitely need to stop talking to him. It's past that time. I understand it is hard to just cut someone off in the beginning, and I don't really think that's reslistic to expect of anyone. But at some point, do you have to cut the person off. You have to move on, and keeping someone in your life doesn't allow you to register the loss. Keeping him around doesn't allow you the time that you need to process the break up as a loss. As difficult as it is, you need to feel the hurt and all the other negative emotions that go along with the loss, so you can come out on the other side.
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Old 24th December 2018, 5:55 PM   #54
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Lots of time on my hands today and so my mind keeps playing things over and over. Many times my ex texted me to tell me that he only moved on because he heard I did. That if I hadn’t then maybe we would be together. He was also texting the girl he is dating now before we officially broke up. He said it was nothing and she wasn’t the reason. I am not saying she is, but it pisses me off that he blamed me moving forward. He made me believe that we might have worked had I not been the one to start dating. I am so mad that he made me doubt myself.
He had three years to decide what he wanted. Now, all of a sudden, you could've been together if only you hadn't dated another guy for two months. Give me a freaking break.

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Old 24th December 2018, 8:27 PM   #55
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I know he was just using me for sex, but I didnít want to believe that. However after really thinking things through I know that is all it was about. That still hurts though.

I am trying to tell myself that he moved on before me. It wasnít my fault that we didnít get back together. He was done before the break. Otherwise he would never have wanted one in the first place.

I want to scream at him and tell him that he put this whole thing in motion. I stop myself because that isnít going to do any good. And I am almost on 2 days of NC and I want to keep that going.

I am just so mad at him.
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Old 24th December 2018, 9:07 PM   #56
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It's ok to be mad and hurt. These are very reasonable and understandable emotions after a breakup. Especially when you feel used and rejected. Use that if you need to. You're at 2 days NC and still really raw. Trust that it will get better. The first few days after you cut ties are the worst. It's all you can think about. Just let that be. Don't fight it. feel what you need to and deal with it as you need to.

I promise it will get better. Strengthen your resolve, because when he contacts you again (and he will, trust me) you need to ignore him and keep moving. Blocking is certainly an option (and you should definitely do that on social media if you feel like you can't stop yourself from looking at his page or feed). I personally haven't blocked my ex because it was actually a good exercise for me to be able to ignore his message. I am not good with boundaries and I think this has been helpful (along with working with a therapist). I would get rid of anything that reminds you of him (pictures, his clothes, toiletries, whatever) -- you don't have to throw them out, but put them in a box and put them where you can't easily see them (a friend's house, the attic, etc).

Come post here when you feel the urge to contact him and someone will remind you that he didn't treat you well and you are accepting less than what you deserve.
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Old 24th December 2018, 10:03 PM   #57
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I know he was just using me for sex, but I didnít want to believe that. However after really thinking things through I know that is all it was about. That still hurts though.

I am trying to tell myself that he moved on before me. It wasnít my fault that we didnít get back together. He was done before the break. Otherwise he would never have wanted one in the first place.

I want to scream at him and tell him that he put this whole thing in motion. I stop myself because that isnít going to do any good. And I am almost on 2 days of NC and I want to keep that going.

I am just so mad at him.
It would only make you feel better for a short time if you called him up and told him off. After a few days, you'd go back to missing him and probably feel embarrassed. It's hard to accept, but your ex is not going to agree with your version of the breakup. What's that old saying? There's his version, her version, and the truth. We tend to believe the narrative that causes us the least pain or makes us feel better about our motives. We minimize our culpability and project our emotions onto other people. It can be so hard to see the truth when you love someone and are hurting.

You can say all day long that he was only using you for sex, and you can know that to be logically true. But your heart will never believe it. That's why it's so important to disconnect from someone after a break up. You can't think logically as it is, and having them in your life only makes it worse.
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Old 25th December 2018, 11:07 AM   #58
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Today is difficult with it being Christmas and all. We spent the last 4 Christmases as a couple. We might not have been in the same place at Christmas, but we would call each other and spend time together when we had the chance. It is strange not to have to buy presents for him.

Ok now that the negative is out, I want to focus on the positive. I have my boys with me this year so I was not by myself this morning. We are going to see my parents soon. Later on this afternoon I will see more family for Christmas dinner. I am trying to focus on the good things. And today will be day 3 NC so I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even if they are baby steps I am moving in the right direction.
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Old 26th December 2018, 1:22 AM   #59
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Trying to fall asleep and I miss him. Part of me wishes he would miss me too.

I made it through today.
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Old 26th December 2018, 9:41 AM   #60
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I know he was just using me for sex, but I didnít want to believe that. However after really thinking things through I know that is all it was about. That still hurts though.

I am trying to tell myself that he moved on before me. It wasnít my fault that we didnít get back together. He was done before the break. Otherwise he would never have wanted one in the first place.

I want to scream at him and tell him that he put this whole thing in motion. I stop myself because that isnít going to do any good. And I am almost on 2 days of NC and I want to keep that going.

I am just so mad at him.
When did you actually break up? How long has he been with his new gf? What I know is true is actions. No matter who, what or why you two broke up if he wanted you back he would have broken up with her and begged you back. You two would be back together if that is what he wanted but he doesn't. Anything less than that is just him blowing smoke. He's where he wants to be.
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