Seeking a completely fresh start after ex. Best ways to feel better after a breakup?

[bluesunflower]

So I was dating my ex for about five months (dumb idea, I know) and it ended yesterday in a super ugly way and I cannot see us ever being on good terms so I have accepted that I NEED to move on ASAP.

 

Here's the big issue. We share the same friend group and we spent every Friday and Saturday together (and sometimes even Sundays.) I need to erase him completely in every way to heal, and that means I need to stop seeing these friends on weekends and maybe even all together until I heal. I have had a few ask to still hang out one-on-one and keep in touch, which I want to because I love them very much, but I don't want to be reminded of him. I want to act like he never existed.

 

I need help. What are things that you did that got you through a breakup? During my first big breakup, I was in high school and I had a fantastic support system, great friends and a big family presence. This time around, I am finishing college and I only have one friend who is not in the friend group, I live with her but she goes home most weekends to be with family. My parents moved across the country when they retired so I have no one to spend weekends with in person and I am extremely extremely scared because I know how depressed I will be.

 

Please let me know what got you through. I am not looking for things that most people say like get exercise (although if that is something that has immensely helped you, then definitely share it and I'll consider) I'm just looking for outlets I have maybe not heard before.

 

I want a fresh, new life after my ex. I need to make big changes and I do not want to spend all my free time alone, as he and my friends took all my free time. I am at a loss and feel stranded, so please share things that have made you feel better during a breakup. I am going back to therapy this week as my first big change.

 

Has anyone tried meetup groups in their area? I had this suggested to me in the past and I may try that. Not strictly singles meetups, but people who have common interests like games and movies and all that. This may be a good way for me to meet people and get out there, but I am of course nervous to jump in.

[Garcon1986]

You've got to remind yourself what your hobbies are, and what makes you happy - it takes a lot of repetitions of doing your favourite things to get over your ex. Stay patient - you can eventually do it.

[bluesunflower]

You've got to remind yourself what your hobbies are, and what makes you happy - it takes a lot of repetitions of doing your favourite things to get over your ex. Stay patient - you can eventually do it.

 

Thank you, it seems so tough now. I am having a tough time finding things that make me happy at the moment but I will keep trying.

[Garcon1986]

What used to make you happy? Give us a list of those.

 

There is also - the potential opportunity of going on meetup.com and discovering things you didn't know you liked.

[bluesunflower]

What used to make you happy? Give us a list of those.

 

There is also - the potential opportunity of going on meetup.com and discovering things you didn't know you liked.

 

I'm actually looking at meetup.com right now! Unfortunately, it seems to be pretty inactive where I am at, the few groups available only have 2-3 members but I'll keep looking. I used to really enjoy the art scene in my city, specifically seeing writers speaking and going to art shows. I think I would still enjoy them today, it just doesn't seem as exciting as it did to me before this depressive post-breakup stint.

[Garcon1986]

You got a taste for science?

[nolanola]

I have similar issues, although the friend group that my ex and I share isn't in my city. That issue only comes up sporadically when we are all together. However, I find myself without a strong regular friend group at the moment. A lot of my friends are married and have young children, which makes finding times to get together challenging. My family is out of town and my best friend is also. So I am looking to make new friends to cushion the blow of my break up.

I am planning on going to a new book club at the end of the month that I found on Meetup. I like to read so this seems like a natural idea. I'm also looking at volunteering opportunities. Volunteering my time always makes me feel better and I'm hoping to meet some like minded people.

I find exercise to be very helpful, for a few reasons. I'm already an active person and it's a form of therapy for me. Any time I'm really down, I find that even just going for a walk with a podcast or audiobook raises my spirits. More strenuous exercise always boosts my mood, I guess with endorphins or whatever. A couple of years ago I put a lot of energy into training for a triathlon and met a bunch of people that way (there was a training group) and also gave myself a feeling of accomplishment when I reached my goal. Going through a breakup can really knock your self esteem and I find accomplishing some goals helps to boost it back up.

Hugs to you though. Breakups suck and the first part is the worst part as far as just sheer misery (anger, sadness, regret, tears). I'm in a bit of a later period now but I find it has its own challenges (more of an emptiness than the original intense emotion). I find a lot of strength posting here and reading other people's stories.

[Twizzlestick]

I’m in the same predicament. I found myself without much after. I’ve got to move back to England as my whole life has been tipped in Ireland. It’s like living in a graveyard. Have an overwhelming sensation I’m left, older and wiped standing on the platform when the train has left. Prob cos my ex is younger and moving away to start a new career.

 

I’ve set myself some rough targets. I let my hobbies go last few years. These are new targets, not a repeat of old stuff. Two are hobbies. One is a strategy for getting myself a house. I’ve always fancied kitesurfing. So I’ve set the target that I’m going to try it with some lessons at the coast near my folks. (Although don’t want to add to my woes. Become one of those unfortunate people folk talk about - “oh yes that unfortunate fella. He was grieving over that lost love and only to get himself killed off flying out to sea on a kite” type thing ha)

 

Always fancied making little films, like on Vimeo. So I’m going to get a camera and start experimenting.

 

I’m moving back home with folks at ripe old age of 38 so to offset feeling very low self esteem about that I’m using it to save for a house deposit. Prob will be where to live as all my mates are scattered over the country.

 

Doing these targets will be hard as I’m plunging in and out f grief and onky started and can barely function sometimes other than pace around in anxious pain. But they’re there, when I can.

 

Maybe an idea, set a few targets that you can try. When you can.

Edited January 8, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Geraltt]

Dorothy Parker once said that the best way to get over one man is to get under another.

 

Well, I'm not so sure about that, personally.

 

I like the idea of meetup.com; I belong to a couple of local groups myself, based on science, philosophy and writing.

 

If there isn't one that piques your interest, you can always start one

 

You mentioned the arts scene. Perhaps trying to re-kindle your interest in that might be a good first step.

[bluesunflower]

@Garcon1986

 

Not particularly but I am open to suggestions!

[bluesunflower]

I have similar issues, although the friend group that my ex and I share isn't in my city. That issue only comes up sporadically when we are all together. However, I find myself without a strong regular friend group at the moment. A lot of my friends are married and have young children, which makes finding times to get together challenging. <SNIP>

 

I am also a fan of podcasts and audiobooks! I find that when I am feeling lonely, it is nice to have them on in the background. I know it's been a couple of weeks since I have been on this site, but do let me know how the book meeting went if you see this reply! I am very into reading as well and the idea of a book club sounds very fun. Unfortunately, it seems as though there aren't many active meetup groups in my area so I'd be nervous to show up to a book club with only one or two other people. Who knows though, that could be fun too if they were fun people. I have talked to other people through the years who have wanted to try meetup groups and have been too scared to do it so I would LOVE to hear your experience!!

 

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions- they are very helpful. I am going to be working on being more active for sure. I am happy to hear that you are healing, even if some days are still tough. It sounds like you know what is good for you and what can help, which is a great place to be in.

Edited February 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

Do you like sports activities? You can take a class in rock climbing, scuba diving, horseback riding or any activity where you are physically moving will be good for your mental health.

[nolanola]

@bluesunflower, I forgot about this post! I actually didn't get to go to the book club and I am so bummed about it. I waited too long to sign up and I guess it filled up. Will not make that same mistake this month. I am in such a rut. It's the weekend and I have no plans. Haven't done much at all this weekend and it's making me so sad. I could accept not seeing my ex anymore if I had things that I was excited about or maybe a big group of friends that I loved hanging out with, but I feel very lonely this weekend.

2018 was a terrible year for me, for several reasons and I don't want it to continue into this year. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to make the jump to get out of the mud.

[paisleypanther]

I want a fresh, new life after my ex. I need to make big changes and I do not want to spend all my free time alone, as he and my friends took all my free time. I am at a loss and feel stranded, so please share things that have made you feel better during a breakup. I am going back to therapy this week as my first big change.

 

Has anyone tried meetup groups in their area? I had this suggested to me in the past and I may try that. Not strictly singles meetups, but people who have common interests like games and movies and all that. This may be a good way for me to meet people and get out there, but I am of course nervous to jump in.

 

I had a very similar experience to you recently. Dated a guy for five months, got super intimate, shared a group of friends. We all saw each other every day of the week. When he dumped me, I felt like I wasn't just breaking up with him, but also all of my friends.

 

What helped me heal was honestly improving at playing guitar. I had always played for fun, but I started really learning about the technical aspects of playing electric guitar. Picking up a hobby and watching yourself improve might be super helpful for you. Another thing I did was look for new music on Spotify. It's super fun to listen to a song for the first time and realize you love it, and listening to music you aren't familiar with will help shift your focus from your bad feelings to the lyrics. Also, you might just discover your new favorite band.

 

Another thing I enjoyed doing was walking and being super mindful of my environment. Go into town, take in the smells, people watch, get something to eat, listen to the ambient sounds of life. Even if you don't wanna walk, just sitting on a bench somewhere and observing can help you reflect on your own experience while also considering the experiences of the strangers surrounding you. It helps put things into perspective. Also, I went to therapy. That was super useful.

 

I personally never tried going to any meetup groups, but if you want to try that, I say go for it! If you don't like it, you don't have to go back.

 

I hope this helps!

[bluesunflower]

@stillafool I'm definitely going to work on being more active - I like to take long walks and I think this will help me feel a bit better.

[bluesunflower]

@bluesunflower, I forgot about this post! I actually didn't get to go to the book club and I am so bummed about it. I waited too long to sign up and I guess it filled up. Will not make that same mistake this month. I am in such a rut. It's the weekend and I have no plans. Haven't done much at all this weekend and it's making me so sad. I could accept not seeing my ex anymore if I had things that I was excited about or maybe a big group of friends that I loved hanging out with, but I feel very lonely this weekend.

2018 was a terrible year for me, for several reasons and I don't want it to continue into this year. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to make the jump to get out of the mud.

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time - if it makes you feel any better, I'm still kind of in the same boat so I completely understand what you are feeling. I also worry about future weekends as they are now completely free. My ex and I tried to hang out together with the friend group but as expected, it made things incredibly messy and we fully decided to go NC today which means I am taking a break from the friend group until I heal. I cannot see him for a long time, which means all my weekends are completely free. I am so sad to hear that you are going through the same thing. My 2018 was also horrible - hopefully the remainder of our 2019 looks up.

[bluesunflower]

I had a very similar experience to you recently. Dated a guy for five months, got super intimate, shared a group of friends. We all saw each other every day of the week. When he dumped me, I felt like I wasn't just breaking up with him, but also all of my friends.

 

What helped me heal was honestly improving at playing guitar. I had always played for fun, but I started really learning about the technical aspects of playing electric guitar. Picking up a hobby and watching yourself improve might be super helpful for you. Another thing I did was look for new music on Spotify. It's super fun to listen to a song for the first time and realize you love it, and listening to music you aren't familiar with will help shift your focus from your bad feelings to the lyrics. Also, you might just discover your new favorite band.

 

Another thing I enjoyed doing was walking and being super mindful of my environment. Go into town, take in the smells, people watch, get something to eat, listen to the ambient sounds of life. Even if you don't wanna walk, just sitting on a bench somewhere and observing can help you reflect on your own experience while also considering the experiences of the strangers surrounding you. It helps put things into perspective. Also, I went to therapy. That was super useful.

 

I personally never tried going to any meetup groups, but if you want to try that, I say go for it! If you don't like it, you don't have to go back.

 

I hope this helps!

 

This was helpful - thank you! I have to think about what hobby I would like to take up - I have been writing a lot the past few days which I have always loved so maybe I will delve more into that. I am very iffy with therapy - it has helped me a decent bit in the past, but I have only had one therapist that I connected with out of a couple and that is when I lived somewhere else and now it's not really in driving distance. I've gone to a therapist where I live now off and on for almost two years but I never get much out of our sessions. I find that I hold back in fear of being judged, even though I know that is ridiculous. I just have immense anxiety and it is incredibly hard for me to open up. However, I think I may have to seek out a new one and try again. I also like your suggestion of going outside - definitely with the warmer weather approaching I think this is a must even if I do not have a plan or people to go with. Thanks for your suggestions!