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As I've said before, I went no contact with my ex but lately he's been driving past my house to an excessive degree, in fact every time I look up his truck is sliding past my windows.

 

Yesterday it started early in the morning and he was still doing it as late as six p.m when I finally closed the curtains for the night. Who knows how much longer it went on after that.

 

I tried to ignore it at first but as the day wore on I started feeling tense. We live in a very small town together and at times he was just circling the block, crawling past my house at a snail's pace.

 

Why is he doing this? It's been five weeks at least, since I cut off all contact. He knows I want nothing to do with him. Therefore this seems like an act of aggression, unless I'm overthinking it.

 

 

All I know is I'd like to feel comfortable leaving my house without having him stop me on the street or to be put in any position where I have to speak to him. I just want to be left alone. I'm still battling anxiety and him making me feel like I'm being spied on now isn't helping. He didn't want the relationship and he didn't treat me well. So why doesn't he just stay away from me? He did these drive by's all the time just before we got together and once we were in a relationship admitted he'd been jealous wondering if I already had a boyfriend.

 

Anyway, Should I let him catch me outside and confront him about it or should I just ignore it and hope it stops? It didn't just start today, he's been doing this for a few days now until today it was over the top.

 

It's funny how upsetting something like this can be, but then I have anxiety. Maybe that's why I'm feeling tensed up about it. Thoughts?

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That would be enough to cause anyone anxious feelings so don’t beat yourself up for feeling that way!

 

He’s effectively entering your personal space and checking up on you when you’re both supposed to be moving on with your lives without each other, it’s creepy and stalkerish behaviour on his part.

 

Having been in a relationship where I’ve experienced this and worse forms of stalking, I would always take these signs seriously.

 

I would firmly tell him that you’ve noticed this, you don’t want it to keep happening and if he doesn’t listen you will not be happy.

 

There are a lot more decisive steps you could take for stalking behaviour but if he already has a screw loose and a lack of respect for your wishes and boundaries, threatening that at this stage could trigger him further.

 

I would test the waters by firmly telling him you want him away (if he hasn’t shown signs of stopping himself) and then take further steps based on his next actions and response.

 

Let us know what happens and takecare!

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It seems obsessive on his part. It's stalkerish behavior, although I think intent to threaten has to be there to meet the criteria for stalking, and it probably depends on how the statute is written for your state or locality. It could be either his intent or whether you feel threatened.

 

I would start by trying to ignore it and see if he gets tired of it. The next step would be asking him to cease and desist. You could do that in person, via email, text or through an attorney. If he still doesn't stop then a restraining order might be appropriate.

 

As for your reaction, yes, I think you have the right to live in peace, and having anxiety is not very relevant. Anyone would be annoyed at a minimum. If you are not afraid of him then ignore if possible. Put sheers over the window and quit looking, let him wear himself out.

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As for your reaction, yes, I think you have the right to live in peace, and having anxiety is not very relevant. Anyone would be annoyed at a minimum. If you are not afraid of him then ignore if possible. Put sheers over the window and quit looking, let him wear himself out.

 

I'm not afraid of him. He's proven himself to be a louse but I don't think he's dangerous which is why I was surprised when I felt as wound up about it as I did at the end of the night. I'm sure he meant it to annoy me or to send me a message that he's not happy with the no contact. He's just not a nice guy. But if it keeps up I'll have to do something.

 

He's kind of always been stalkerish, even when we were dating. One morning I woke up and went outside in a red outfit to water my flowers. I was wearing pigtails which I never normally do. The next time I saw him he casually mentioned something about pigtails asking if I ever put my hair like that and I think he even somehow managed to throw in something about the color red. I knew then he'd seen me and I still can't figure out from where he would have been watching. Creepy, yes. But we were kids together growing up in this small town and it's a place where everyone knows everyone else. I brushed all these things aside even though inside I was bristling. I never said anything because I knew he'd deny he'd been spying on me even after subtly letting me know he was doing just that.

 

In any case I hope he gets tired and leaves me alone. I don't have the strength to deal with anymore b.s right now.

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That's scary. You need to keep a log of when he does anything like this. Take photos if possible. If you haven't already got it down in writing that you told him you want no further contact, do that and then block him from responding. Do it email or something you can keep. Put that in your log. It's on record you've told him no more contact. He is already stalking you, but you have to prove you've told him not to and make this log to prove he's doing it anyway. At that point, you can get police involved and get a restraining order so he knows you mean business and also so if he doesn't it again and comes near you or your home, he can be arrested.

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loversquarrel

Or how about just call the police, advise them you've been broken up for some time and he has continuously driven by your house and you would like it to stop. They will more than likely talk to him about his behavior and that might be all that is needed.

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Thinking the cops is a bit over kill at this stage.

Could you text him and just ask him to stop driving by your effg house?

Maybe add that if he doesn't then you'll have to talk to the cops , or something.

 

 

Anyway yeah agree , anyone would be anxious over that so ease up on yourself.

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Thinking the cops is a bit over kill at this stage.

Could you text him and just ask him to stop driving by your effg house?

Maybe add that if he doesn't then you'll have to talk to the cops , or something.

 

 

Anyway yeah agree , anyone would be anxious over that so ease up on yourself.

 

I thought of doing this but then I'd have to beak NC which was probably what he was trying to make me do. I don't want him to think he can gain control that easily, just whenever he feels like it. It's kind of a conundrum though, because calling the police at this point seems like overkill to me, too even though it's upsetting.

 

I guess I'll just wait and see how long it plays out. Maybe he'll get sick of it. I hope so. The last thing I need right now is for this to balloon into some kind of fiasco.

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Calling the police and reporting what is clearly stalking behavior is the order of the day.

 

I'm surprised anyone would suggest otherwise and I'll go further and say you're being very foolish for not having already gotten yourself into family court and request a restraining order.

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I am a survivor of a stalker situation... there is nothing more scary than to have someone stalk you! Do not play around with your safety! File a report. Like someone said before they will just go talk to him and that might be enough but if its not then it will be easier for them next time to arrest him. Bonus: It provides the best paper trail you will ever need.

Edited by Rayce
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I'm not afraid of him. He's proven himself to be a louse but I don't think he's dangerous

 

 

You ever see when they interview friends and neighbors and even relatives of a guy who went bonkers and shot up a local shopping mall or his workplace or took out his wife and kids with a shotgun? They all say the same thing. 'He seemed like such a nice quiet guy I never would have expected him to do that'.

 

Please disregard the dangerous advice that states calling the police is overkill. Not doing so could easily be the worst mistake you will ever make.

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The last guy I thought wasn't dangerous put me in the hospital... it was also the place that I worked... small town and all.

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Some people don't handle life stressors all that well. Some of the top life stressors are job loss, medical issues, and relationship breakups where the person was dumped.

 

 

 

They just SNAP.

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Some people don't handle life stressors all that well. Some of the top life stressors are job loss, medical issues, and relationship breakups where the person was dumped.

 

 

 

They just SNAP.

 

Well, technically he wasn't the one who was dumped. The relationship was on the rocks and we'd been dumping each other and getting back together for awhile prior, but the last time was his idea. He gave life stressors as the reason for it and said he's unable to fall in love with anyone and in fact had been a bachelor for years when we got together. He wanted to stay friends afterward but I just wanted to put it all to rest and went no contact. Considering the way it ended the last thing I expected was stalking behaviour. I'm not convinced he was entirely over me, however... he could be having second thoughts now that I'm no longer in his life at all. I don't know.

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loversquarrel

Calling the police as I suggested is far from overkill. At the very least they talk to him AND he now knows they are involved. If he has half a brain he will understand that THEY WILL ramp it up if he fails to heed their advice. What you don't quite understand is that the police will ask you why the hell you didn't call sooner if he chooses to escalate. NIP it in the bud OP.

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Contrary to popular opinion, I think you're wise not to escalate if you don't feel threatened, at least not yet. An intermediate step you could take if he does that continual drive-by stuff again is to call and ask the police to simply patrol your street or park nearby for awhile. Seeing the unit might be enough to discourage the behavior. If they want to know why tell them, but also tell them you don't wish to escalate yet. The least amount of intervention that works is probably best imho.

 

When my daughter was in middle school she was being sort of bullied by another girl. She didn't want me to intervene because of the social implication of having ratted the other girl out. I went to the principal and asked them to just have a teacher in the hallway near my daughter's locker at class change, and to make eye contact with the other girl when she cruised by. It worked great. The other girl never knew for sure that they had her number, but she backed off and there was no retribution.

Edited by salparadise
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Hearing all these things in the news you never really know people. I would err on the side of caution. It does sound stalkerish. I wonder if confronted and he doesn’t like the response (either in person or via written communication) how he’d act. I personally would feel unsafe and reach out to the police but that’s just me.

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loversquarrel
Contrary to popular opinion, I think you're wise not to escalate if you don't feel threatened, at least not yet. An intermediate step you could take if he does that continual drive-by stuff again is to call and ask the police to simply patrol your street or park nearby for awhile. Seeing the unit might be enough to discourage the behavior. If they want to know why tell them, but also tell them you don't wish to escalate yet. The least amount of intervention that works is probably best imho.

 

When my daughter was in middle school she was being sort of bullied by another girl. She didn't want me to intervene because of the social implication of having ratted the other girl out. I went to the principal and asked them to just have a teacher in the hallway near my daughter's locker at class change, and to make eye contact with the other girl when she cruised by. It worked great. The other girl never knew for sure that they had her number, but she backed off and there was no retribution.

 

This isn't about children being bullied in school, it's about an adult who can't take no or stop for an answer. It is also much easier for a teacher to be in the hallway in order to discourage such behavior than for the police to randomly patrol your neighborhood in the hopes they may catch him in the act. Furthermore the police aren't going to prioritize the issue by directing resources towards a person who is extremely wishy-washy about a potential problem.

 

By getting them involved in such a way in which they advise him to knock it off creates a history for the courts to consider if a restraining order is needed in the future.

 

Op, I understand your not scared with this situation and you know him better than any of us. With that being said, his behavior is not normal adult behavior. He is forcing you to feel uncomfortable and is showing you that he doesn't respect your wishes. He clearly doesn't respect boundaries.

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This isn't about children being bullied in school...

 

Feel free to ignore that part then. It wasn't directed to you anyway. It's an illustration of how sometimes it's appropriate to use the minimum force rather than the maximum to resolve something. I fully realize that OP and the ex-boyfriend are not school children, but otherwise the situations are somewhat parallel. I think catastrophizing is ridiculous when OP has clearly stated that she is not afraid of him. This is her life, not a TV show.

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loversquarrel

Fear doesn't have to play a part in this, her peace is being disturbed so How is calling the police considered catastrophizing? If she is basically being harassed and wants it to stop then why not activate something that is well within her rights, doesn't cost her anything and sends a clear message that his activity needs to stop. They aren't going to arrest him and she may not have to bother with a restraining order. It makes no sense to wait and see. Just calling them for help is not seen as catastrophizing in their eyes, in fact I can guarantee they would rather want her to be proactive about her own safety. Unless she intends on dating this guy again, what's the point in waiting?

 

It's just a step to take and it is within a minimum amount needed. The police get bothered with far less than this.

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Thinking the cops is a bit over kill . .

 

Said lots of victims before they were victims. The OP said he'd been kind of "stalkerish" in the past anyway.

 

OP talk to the police and make sure you mention this to your neighbors and friends as well. Lots of eyes on the situation would be a good thing for a while.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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He's still doing it but to a lesser degree than he was doing it the other day.

 

I think this is going to peter out. He's a less than stellar human being but not dangerous. So I'm going to assume it's his way of dealing with whatever emotions he's experiencing over the break up. Everyone feels a void afterward... sometimes we can all do inappropriate things out of grief or loneliness. And it's a small, lonely town. I find myself just now feeling sad for him and for us both.

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Million.to.1

Very level headed of you to see it this way, but i'm guessing he just wants to keep tabs on whether you are seeing anyone, and there isn't any evidence at the moment, but it might start up again if he sees anything to make him think you may be.

 

Personally, even though you don't want to break no contact, I think if it continues, you should just send him a txt or email that doesn't require a reply.

 

He is probably only doing it because he thinks you aren't aware of it.

Just bringing his attention to the fact that you have noticed and think it's creepy and makes you uncomfortable will probably be enough to make him stop. Saying "I noticed that you are driving by my house an awful lot. Can you please stop, it's creepy and weird and makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to have to contact the police, but I will if it continues. Thanks"

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