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Seeking sympathetic emotional support/input on this break up/situation


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 10th October 2018, 5:19 AM   #1
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I can't understand the behaviour, hoping for some insight?

I and someone in my uni class dated earlier this year. She initiated most of it, and was the first out of the two of us to express interest. It was very intense, with her making jokes about getting married, constant hanging out/messaging, etc.

One thing I did notice about her was that she was at times quite inconsistent. Sometimes, she'd just not reply and a couple of times would avoid/ignore me in the flesh at uni, despite us being in quite a small class. I never really got to the bottom of this, and never questioned it. It was often very confusing and awkward.

We then broke up for summer. The last day of term we were talking, she was being very flirty, very touch-feely, etc. I thought, OK, so perhaps we can begin hanging out again. I asked her three separate times whether she'd like to hang out with me - the first time, she agreed but then cancelled. The other two times (which were like two weeks apart) I was ignored completely.

I then gave up, and concentrated on my fitness goals. I was quite confused/hurt, and was convinced I'd done something wrong, but didn't know what. I didn't message her again, and had no real intention to.

Four months later, she messaged me apologising for disappearing, claiming that she had been too 'anxious' and that she wanted to be 'better' at communicating. I didn't quite believe the anxious part, as I'd seen her going on holiday with a mutual friend from uni, and so that didn't make sense; anxious about what? I'm not naive enough to believe that there wasn't/isn't someone else in the picture.

I did think that this might have meant she was ready to start hanging out again, but it hasn't happened that way.

When we returned to uni, she has been acting inconsistent again. Sometimes she is warm and bubbly, saying hello to me - other times she is cold and distant. It has now reached the point that she no longer acknowledges me, and that's a shame because we were actually friends, first and foremost.

I asked her if everything was cool, and that I wanted to clear things up after what had happened over the summer - she said that she'd like us to be friends again, and for things not to be weird. But they have been, and tbh she has made them weird by being awkward with me.

As the person who was ghosted, I feel it's a bit backwards for me to keep approaching her, so I haven't. I haven't spoken to her, or revealed anything about my feelings towards her - so I don't think it's that she thinks I'm acting creepy or anything. I've caught her staring at me a few times, but I don't know what to make of that.

I find it odd that she is doing this, as everything that's happened in this situation has been something she's instigated. I also don't understand why I'm being ignored most of the time. As we are in a small class, it's very awkward. We haven't spoken enough for anything to have happened.

I was not thinking about her at all until she got back in touch, and I'm feeling as if it may have been better for her to maintain her silence. I also don't know how to really 'move on' when I see her all the time, and this is proving more difficult than I thought it would be.

Why would someone do this? I've read that it could be either no interest, or that there is interest but I'm expected to chase her (which I'm not going to do)

I'm feeling quite frustrated at this, because of course I did like her and I'm finding that seeing her, knowing how well we get on and the fact that she doesn't seem to want to talk to me and the fact that I can't really approach her about this is very difficult; and the ghosting and now this - I'm finding her quite confusing.

Why would someone act like this?

(We're both female, so that's why I've written an essay, lol)

(I'm bracing myself for the harsh replies!)
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Old 10th October 2018, 2:12 PM   #2
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I think if there is anything to be called a relationship, you need to make a total reset with this person, like you barely know her.
By your account, she is treating you like a door mat, literally. She can come and go across your space. She can decide to tread carefully or drag her dirty boots over the threshold. You are getting zero respect.

i know enough people that are bi-polar or have life long disabilities that keep them down or in pain but they don't continue to treat people they care about like this. Maybe an outburst but then it's over, even if they won't/can't recall it and apologize.

If she needs help improving her behavior, she needs to work on that and you can't be the test subject. Be gone or be her friend only (I say that because I personally don't bail on people with problems but they can't abuse me like I do or don't matter at their whim).
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Old 10th October 2018, 2:36 PM   #3
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College years is the best times that you canít get back and it goes fast. Full of fun and single people.

Enjoy it and donít waste it on someone who is flaky.
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Old 14th October 2018, 6:45 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Art Anderson View Post
I think if there is anything to be called a relationship, you need to make a total reset with this person, like you barely know her.

By your account, she is treating you like a door mat, literally. She can come and go across your space. She can decide to tread carefully or drag her dirty boots over the threshold. You are getting zero respect.

i know enough people that are bi-polar or have life long disabilities that keep them down or in pain but they don't continue to treat people they care about like this. Maybe an outburst but then it's over, even if they won't/can't recall it and apologize.

If she needs help improving her behavior, she needs to work on that and you can't be the test subject. Be gone or be her friend only (I say that because I personally don't bail on people with problems but they can't abuse me like I do or don't matter at their whim).
May I ask what you mean by 'a total reset'?

I agree with you, I am getting zero respect in this situation. I am frustrated at myself for not walking away from this, and not feeling strong enough to do so. I saw her, a few days after I wrote this. We hung out for a good few hours, then went home. I then, stupidly, went to follow her on Instagram.

My reasoning was that we'd just hung out, we attend uni together, it's what people do, right? She didn't follow me back, and still hasn't. She follows people in the class that she doesn't even speak to, yet I haven't been followed. I am careful not to keep minimising and denying the reality of this action, as I often tend to do with the behaviour of others. She clearly doesn't regard me with enough value to even want to reciprocate a 'follow'.

To go back to your point about the lack of respect - she doesn't give much. I am giving a lot of myself (which of course I know she didn't ask me to do) but I am getting nothing back, here. Nothing. I get that she may not even be into me, and that's OK. But I still feel very hurt and confused.
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Old 14th October 2018, 7:51 AM   #5
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Struggling with feelings of liking someone

I am really struggling with feelings of being into someone who I donít think feels the same.

There was a point in which she expressed liking me Ė I understand that she may just not feel like that, anymore. I donít think I would struggle in this way if I didnít have to see her three times a week.

We dated very briefly, and we got on amazingly well. Even she commented on just how well we got on. Then she started going distant and disappeared Ė once we broke up for our summer holiday, I invited her out a couple of times and she never responded. I just left it, didnít expect her to get back in touch.

Four months (!) later, she messaged me saying how sorry she was for disappearing, that she had anxiety and thatís why she went quiet. I have my own reasons for not really believing this Ė she was very active with other friends and that leads me to wonder.

Anyway. Itís been very difficult. I made progress (I thought) in moving forward from this, but once she came back, I felt everything again. I have no idea what her feelings are towards me or whether there even are any.

I feel as if this is beginning to get me down; I donít know if I should tell her how I feel. The reason I havenít so far is because she was the one who ghosted me and that is something I still feel funny about.

Iíve asked her to hang out once, she said she was busy. Iím hesitant to ask again. The last time I saw her she was back to Ďnormalí Ė very engaged in conversation with me, etc.

I am struggling with these feelings and I feel as if I want things to come to some sort of conclusion. Iím wary of saying anything to her because we have to see each other three times a week and this is all weird enough with the added awkwardness of me having Ďconfessedí my feelings.

Iím also friends with her friend at the uni; this friend always comes up to me to talk and so, the girl is always with her. Itís quite a small, close-knit type class.

Also, her behaviour is very inconsistent in general. She will literally avoid me/act cold at times, other times she is very warm and bubbly with me. Itís as if I have to guess how sheíll be with me that week, rather than a consistent pattern of behaviour. I followed her on Instagram, and she didnít follow me back. I only did that because weíd just hung out, but oddly, thatís offended me and I think my feelings are just getting a bit much.

I donít know how to Ďclosureí this situation. I just want to know how she feels; even if she only views me as a friend, fine, I can work on moving forward emotionally.

I donít know what to do, here. I feel very confused.
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Old 14th October 2018, 7:58 AM   #6
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She is immature. And she is using you. I don't know the dynamics of being gay and that might add confusion for her but it's more than that, it's a push pull relationship. When you're interested, she pushes you away and when you're distant she pulls you back. And it works... Even though she has treated you badly you are on a forum asking what it is that happened and what it is that you did wrong. About the only thing I can say that I think you did wrong is let her control the relationship so much. If you're interested in somebody it is perfectly acceptable to show that interest and ask if the interest is returned but when that person shows inconsistency they are showing a level of disdain for you as a person and when you allow that to continue you are weakening yourself both in your eyes and in hers. And once you are weak in her eyes she'll continue to do the push-pull. Not because she's a bad person but because subconsciously many human beings play this game without even knowing it.

Don't chase her, if she becomes friendly and bubbly again remain polite but distant, and find somebody who truly values being with you.
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Old 14th October 2018, 9:18 AM   #7
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Honestly? She probably resurfaces in your life when the guy she's interested in isn't giving her enough attention.

Then when he is, she backs way off from you. She keeps you at a distance unless it otherwise suits her to pull you back in. This sort of behaviour is typical from someone who doesn't want to quite let go of their Plan B (you, in this case) unless and until Plan A is a sure bet.

That's my theory, anyway. Whatever the case might be, she is not a serious prospect and she is not very mature, either.
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Old 14th October 2018, 9:22 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by lurker74 View Post
She is immature. And she is using you. I don't know the dynamics of being gay and that might add confusion for her but it's more than that, it's a push pull relationship. When you're interested, she pushes you away and when you're distant she pulls you back. And it works... Even though she has treated you badly you are on a forum asking what it is that happened and what it is that you did wrong. About the only thing I can say that I think you did wrong is let her control the relationship so much. If you're interested in somebody it is perfectly acceptable to show that interest and ask if the interest is returned but when that person shows inconsistency they are showing a level of disdain for you as a person and when you allow that to continue you are weakening yourself both in your eyes and in hers. And once you are weak in her eyes she'll continue to do the push-pull. Not because she's a bad person but because subconsciously many human beings play this game without even knowing it.

Don't chase her, if she becomes friendly and bubbly again remain polite but distant, and find somebody who truly values being with you.
She has previously expressed that she's never been with a woman before, and is scared of doing so because of.. well, she said she doesn't know what involves. She also mentioned that her family are liberal, but that she thinks being involved with a woman may cause issues for them. So it is not usually like this with the same sex dynamics I've been involved in, but maybe it's an issue here.

I agree. I can feel that I am becoming 'weaker' - I also agree that I've allowed too much control, and that upsets me, too. I gave the benefit of the doubt and she has just done the same thing. I also believe that she only came back after four months because she realised that I wasn't interested (or it appeared so, as I'd stopped contacting her) and literally the week after her messaging me, she was ignoring me in the flesh (and denying that she was doing so, despite it being very clear that she was).

I can't really disagree with what you're saying. I think you're spot on.
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Old 14th October 2018, 10:02 AM   #9
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It's obvious she enjoys the flirting, etc, because it's fun. It's university....most people date but keep their options open. It's a time of exploration, and having experiences. Emotionally you are going to have to detach yourself if you are going to survive. Can't let this eat at you because someone doesn't want the same as you. It's a learning curve we all have gone through. The lesson today is about "letting go"
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Old 14th October 2018, 10:13 AM   #10
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It's obvious she enjoys the flirting, etc, because it's fun. It's university....most people date but keep their options open. It's a time of exploration, and having experiences. Emotionally you are going to have to detach yourself if you are going to survive. Can't let this eat at you because someone doesn't want the same as you. It's a learning curve we all have gone through. The lesson today is about "letting go"
The flirting is fun, I agree. What isn't fun is when she ignores me, avoids me, acts inconsistent. Can't you flirt and be consistent? Maybe we do want different things, but more than anything it's the disappearing/reappearing, inconsistent, sometimes rude, difficult to understand behaviour.
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Old 14th October 2018, 10:19 AM   #11
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The flirting is fun, I agree. What isn't fun is when she ignores me, avoids me, acts inconsistent. Can't you flirt and be consistent? Maybe we do want different things, but more than anything it's the disappearing/reappearing, inconsistent, sometimes rude, difficult to understand behaviour.
Why would you want that from someone who doesn't want to date you anymore, though?
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Old 14th October 2018, 10:22 AM   #12
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The flirting is fun, I agree. What isn't fun is when she ignores me, avoids me, acts inconsistent. Can't you flirt and be consistent? Maybe we do want different things, but more than anything it's the disappearing/reappearing, inconsistent, sometimes rude, difficult to understand behaviour.
Hot/cold people feel very insecure about emotional attachment. When things seem too serious they run away. Then when the anxiety subsides the come back again. It's a vicious cycle you have no control over. The majority of psychologists recommend you run the other way.



Note: about people who suffer from anxiety/insecurity: they are mistaken as being rude, and a disconnect type of behavior. It's how they deal with it.
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Old 14th October 2018, 10:24 AM   #13
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Why would you want that from someone who doesn't want to date you anymore, though?
No, I'm saying that even if someone enjoys flirting, what's wrong with just being consistent about it - in general, not with my situation.
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Old 14th October 2018, 10:36 AM   #14
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No, I'm saying that even if someone enjoys flirting, what's wrong with just being consistent about it - in general, not with my situation.
There's nothing wrong with it. BUT people who are constant are usually doing it to show their interest and are confident about their interest.
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Old 14th October 2018, 10:38 AM   #15
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There's nothing wrong with it. BUT people who are constant are usually doing it to show their interest and are confident about their interest.
Yeah, so she's either not interested or not confident about the interest. I think that's what you mean...?

It's a shame, really. It's always overwhelmingly negative when I ask friends about her or whatever. I feel frustrated that I like someone who is like this.
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