Our story, my pain

[gringoloco]

Hi all,

 

I had never imagined i would have ended up posting on a forum to say how hurt i am, but life is full of mystery...For those who will read me, thank you for your kindness.

 

I met this girl while i was working abroad in 2016. It was love at first sight. At 26 years old, i was discovering what truly being in love was like. She was all I had been looking for in a girl all my life : beautiful, kind, fun, loving. We fell in love straight away and I said to her « I love you » at our 4th meeting ( I had never said that to a girl before). Our first year was amazing, we did lots of trips abroad, were seeing each other all the time, and she was an extension of myself and my first love.

 

Then, for various reasons (I was getting kicked out of my job + couldn’t find another one in the same city), I had to go back to my home country ( our two countries are only 2h30 away by train). We decided to do long distance, and did it for another year and a half. We were seeing each other every 2 weekends + holidays.

 

One day, as I saw her very sad, she admitted to me she was suffering from a « disease », which turned out to be depression. To make a long story short, her family is a failure and both her parents rejected her despite her efforts to look after them. Her mom is very traditionalist and can’t even stand the thought of her having a boyfriend, while her father left them when they were young to build another family and only came back into her life recently...

 

From that moment, things got a bit ugly. I am not a native english speaker, so sometimes during heated arguments, I would say things like « you’re crazy », which she interpreted as me mocking her illness. Obviously, having suffered myself from depression i would have never allowed myself to do that.

We started arguing a lot about everything. She accused me of not caring and listening enough to her, she didn’t trust me at all and hated all my friends and didn’t want me to go out with them at night, I basically felt like she wanted me to stay home all the time like she did and listen to her on the phone for hours, while at the end all she was telling me is that there were no solution to her problem and that no one could help her.

 

So that’s 2 issues : the distance (she couldn’t do her job in my country either),

and her illness and its impact on our relationship.

 

The 3rd one was religion : we had 2 different religions, and our families were against this relationship. I admit i tried to ask her to convert to mine after 1year of relationship (which was a stupid move...), obviously she refused. In the end i was more worried about how we would deal with our children’s education if we had some. Issues would inevitabily arise. But she didn’t seem too worried about it so i was the only one bringing it up. She wanted the children raised in both religions (tbh, this was set to fail...)

 

Despite all that, we still had a very strong attachement to each other. I wanted to protect her and compensate the lack of love she didn’t get from her parents, and she loved being around me.

 

The trigger was May-June 2018. I had to work very hard for a professional certification that was very important for my career, and these were the two final months of revision. So we decided to see each other after the exam (2 months of not seeing each other). To be honest, we had been arguing a lot on the previous weekends, even mentioning the possibility of breakup, so this felt like a well needed break and i think that she agreed on that. But during this time, she started being very agressive towards me : when i was seeing friends at night after a day of non stop revising, she would go insane on me and threaten to leave me, blocking me on all social media, crying, and telling me things like all my friends are gay (lol!) and that they are fake and don’t care about me. Once she even threatened implicitly to kill herself. Yet i never hid to her the fact that i needed to see friends to relax and keep my mind sane. All this combined with my exam put my stress levels to the roof, and as i felt attacked, I was also very harsh with my answers and i have said things that have hurt her too.

 

Then it happened, right after i finished my exam in late june, she said we wouldn’t see each other on the next weekend and that it was over. At the time she didn’t seem too bitter and i felt like i needed to let the storm pass and that i could get her back eventually cause there were no hard feelings.

 

She contacted me again that summer and we started talking again. But I quickly felt like I was becoming her confident and friend, as our conversations were not the ones you would have as a couple. Once again she started talking to me about her problems, and i was trying to help but i wasn’t too keen. She thought what i was saying to help was not « useful ». All in all, one day i asked her at whose place she was and she accused me of being noisy, so when she talked to me about her problems again, i told her that she should ask her best friend to help her instead of me. Then we stopped talking.

 

I tried to reinitiate talking in October but she was really cold, even though i told her thay i missed her, so i didn’t insist.

 

Then recently hell broke loose...I realized that i couldn’t stand the thought of losing her and her being with seomeone else. I had been able to keep myself busy so far so i hadn’t really felt the pain of the breakup yet. But it came back as a fury.

Even though she was very reluctant, i got her on the phone 2 weeks ago and we spoke for 1h30. I went all in and told her how i felt, that i had been missing her , that i wanted us to try again, and that i would solve the issues we had because she was that important to me. But she was very grounded and told me she saw no future for us and didn’t want to waste time trying again. Yet we talked for a while and she told me that she was still feeling down and i offered to help if she needed to.

Then i tried to contact her during the week to see how she was but got no answer. After several missed phone calls, she finally told me that she didn’t have feelings for me anymore (and that this had been the case for a long time), that she really saw no future for us, and that she wanted to move on. (understand=meet someone else). She also said she had a negative experience from our relationship, which hurt me a lot. It was a lot to take, so i wished her good luck and cut contact.

 

I now feel devastated, I want her back and can’t stand the idea of her moving on. I feel like i ve let the woman of my life go away, that i haven’t supported her enough in her hardships, and that i ve hurt her. The feeling of guilt is unbearable. I was everything to her and i feel like i have failed her.

 

Do you think there is any chance for me to get her back at this point, or that she will ever contact me again? We were so attached to each other that i can’t believe she would totally push me out of her life.

 

Many thanks in advance :-(

Edited December 26, 2018 by elpandillero

[gringoloco]

It is very hard to take my thoughts out of this, it is even affecting my work at this point...I feel like i need some answers from her as to why it all happened so suddenly

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry for your pain but you need to be honest with yourself. Nothing about this relationship was easy once you added distance to it. She was never emotionally stable enough to do an LDR with no meaningful chance of closing the distance. When you add her illness & your religious conflicts to the mix, this was never going to end in happily ever after. Another important point is that none of this happened suddenly. Your relationship had been over for a long time -- at least as far back as the break for your studies. This did not happen quickly / suddenly. It is just that she now finally pulled the trigger to formally break up to put you both out of the misery of this relationship that was no longer making either of you happy.

 

She will always be the exotic foreign woman you dated but she's not the love of your life. Yes, it's painful to think of her with someone else but you will be with someone else too. You will have all the good things about her but none of the bad.

 

Let her go. Wish her well. Lick your wounds. Mourn the loss of this relationship but in time pull yourself together & date somebody locally.

[gringoloco]

thank you very much for your answer, i really appreciate having an outside perspective as i feel very alone in this grieving process.

 

One of the things that hurt me the most is this feeling of guilt. I have these images in my head of all the times i have made her cry, and it is really killing me inside. She had a kind heart despite all the issues she had. She has been so cold to me last week, and telling me that she had a negative experience from our relationship was like shooting a bullet in my heart. I wish that after all this time, she would at least remember the good times too like i do. She makes me feel like I am some kind of selfish monster, and it makes me hate myself while missing her to death.

[d0nnivain]

Don't hate yourself. You are not a monster. You were trying to balance a lot. While she is a good person she had more issues then you, a lay person, could be expected to deal with, especially from a distance.

 

The fact that this relationship didn't work does not mean either of you are unlovable. It just means you are not each other's perfect matches.

[gringoloco]

thanks again for your reply, it helps. Hopefully someday she will be able to look back on things and see that it wasn’t so bad and that i cared about her a lot. I won’t contact her again as the rejection from my last try was very painful, but i hope that she at least sends me a text wishing me well at some point...

Edited December 27, 2018 by elpandillero

[nolanola]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I think the best thing at this time is to back away and let her have her wish. Have you told her how sorry you are for upsetting her and making her cry? I'm not sure that would change anything right now from her perspective, but it might make you feel a bit better that you tried to make amends as best as you could. I have had some negative relationships too and what meant the most to me was that one guy apologized to me. It was a long time after, but it helped a lot and I was able to forgive him. Maybe a letter? I wouldn't expect her to reply, but it might help you to let her know how much she meant to you and how sorry you are for hurting her.

 

Time has a way of making hard feelings softer and it is possible that some day you might be able to talk to her again. But right now is not the right time. Let her go and heal herself, while you try to move forward with your life. Try to forgive yourself too. We do the best that we can and sometimes we hurt people we love. It doesn't mean we are bad, just that we are human and make mistakes.

[gringoloco]

thank you very much for your reply.

 

When i called her last week, it had already been 6 months since we had broken up. I fought to get her on the phone but we ended up talking for 1h30.

She said she had done everything right in this relationship and would not change a thing as she gave it her all.

She said the distance was my fault, as i could have done my job in her country while she couldn’t do hers in mine, but the truth is at the time i failed at finding a job there despite all my efforts and now market conditions are even worse (plus i currently have my dream job)...

She also said my parents were an issue as they were not accepting of our relationship, but again her mom didn’t even know i existed and would have rejected her had she known she was with me...

Finally she said that i had said hurtful things to her and that i was attacking her verbally, and that she didn’t feel special while being with me.

 

I explained to her that i was missing her and caring for her a lot, that she was the most important thing in my life at the time of our relationship, and that i was sorry if i had said anything hurtful as i did not mean it. I told her that i had put my ego on the floor to call and tell her how much she was special to me and that i wanted her back as i felt we had a unique bond. I also said i knew i wasn’t good at showing my feelings, that i would do certain things differently now, and that seeing her down and feeling unwell due to depression also had an impact on me as it made me feel really sad not being able to make her feel better.

 

I could tell she cried over the phone when we talked, so someway this tells me I was still able to reach her heart. Maybe she avoided talking to me on the phone after this as she knew it could possibly get her off her track towards moving on...She was much colder by text message after that.

 

I have also written a letter that i did not send, but i feel that i took a big leap by calling her and opening my heart to her, that’s why i am so disappointed by such a cold rejection and hard feelings after all this time.

Edited December 28, 2018 by elpandillero

[nolanola]

In that case, you have told her what is in your heart. Sometimes things are just so fresh that the people involved can only see the hurt and pain. It seems that she is very upset from everything that happened, even after 6 months. You have done what you could and let her know how much you care about her. That's all you can do.

If I was her, I think it would be a comfort to know that you care and are upset. So many of us on these boards wonder if our exes think about us or care about us. I think I would feel better if I knew that my ex was upset that I was upset.

Try to let her go, knowing you have left things in the best place that you could. Like I said, over time, people tend to forget the worst things and hard feelings soften. It is possible you guys might be able to talk again someday.

[gringoloco]

What would mean a lot to me would be a happy new year text wishing me good luck. I don’t want to expect too much as i know it won’t happen....

I could also send one, but she has hurt me by saying she doesn’t have feelings anymore and sees no future while she has a negative experience of us; so i feel reluctant to be rejected once more.

I have written a draft this morning. It basically says that i wish her a happy year and life, that i was trying to get her back but that now i understand the fact the she says we can't be friends and need to move on, and that i wish she will remember all the good memories as i do because there were many and i know we both loved each other a lot. I also say sorry for all the things i have said that have hurt her, as i did not mean any of it. I end up by wishing her well, as i know she has all the qualities to live a beautiful life.

Do you think i should send it after the 1st if i don't receive anything?

Edited December 28, 2018 by elpandillero

[nolanola]

I don't know if you should send it or not. If you feel like you need to get those things out before you try to move on, then send it. If you feel like there are feelings and thoughts that you need to share with her and you will be ok if she doesn't reply, then send it. BUT if you are sending that letter with the idea that it will prompt her to say something back to you and you will be upset if she does not reply, then I wouldn't send it.

[gringoloco]

I won't send the letter as it feels a bit overdone and too dramatic. I will send a text message wishing her a happy new year and sharing my main thoughts in a condensed way. I will wish her well and aknowledge the end of us. I threw a few anecdotes from our past in there hoping it will revive happy memories.

 

I admit that no reply at all would be quite hurtful. I would almost feel humiliated. But at the same time, i will have done everything i could and will be at peace with myself (hopefully).

[gringoloco]

I have the closure email ready. It says a lot of nice things about her, that she helped me evolve, that I am sorry for the times i’ve hurt her, that I aknowledge she doesn’t love me anymore, etc.... Was going to send it for new year.

But then I have realized something : she was the one who gave up on us. She was the one who decided that she didn’t need to add another problem to her depression issue. So she saw me as an issue for her that she wanted to get rid off. That’s a very selfish act. Although we had issues, I didn’t want us to end.

 

If she decides to remember only the negative, then it is her choice. But she is lying to herself as we have had loads of happy memories. Whoever she decides to be with next, she will probably hide to him the fact that she suffers from depression. Of course things will look bright in the beginning.

 

If she doesn’t even send me a happy new year text after I have opened my heart to other the other day, then i don’t think I should go as low as sending her this email. This has to do with self-respect as she is denying my very existence.

[Art_Critic]

She moved on and has asked you do the same, sending letters and texts is just you not realizing it's over, the closure comes from you, within you not from her.

Don't send her anything, she isn't sitting there wondering if you are going to send her a closure letter, she has moved on, possibly to another..

 

Sorry.. breakups suck and this time of year it's hard.

 

Try and grab a hold of yourself and leave her alone...

[Mr. Lucky]

If she doesn’t even send me a happy new year text after I have opened my heart to other the other day, then i don’t think I should go as low as sending her this email. This has to do with self-respect as she is denying my very existence.

 

First off, kudos for your English writing skills. I could only dream of being half as proficient in another language as you are in your posts here.

 

Second, I'm afraid Art_Critic is correct. She's tried nicely in every way to tell you she's done and uninterested in any contact. All you're doing is setting yourself up for more pain as I'd guess her next response will be in the "not so nice" category. Keep yourself busy with work, friends and family and move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gringoloco]

you are probably right. I should stop here.

 

I guess i am too loyal, and I can’t understand how she can get over us so easily and be so bitter after all this time has passed. I know she is going through hard times with her family but I offered help and she refused it.

 

She was able to have me on the phone for 1h30 two weeks ago - and I could feel she was moved - only to reject any contact after that. She had the harshest words by text : that she has no feelings for me anymore and that it has been like that for a long time. That in her heart she sees no future for us and wants to move forward. By saying that she knew she would hurt me.

 

Anyways, happy new year to you all

[gringoloco]

Yesterday, I had an experience that I think will definitely force me to move on

 

I had a presentation to do in front of an audience (almost 100 persons) for work. While I was preparing, every time I was thinking about my ex I was losing all my words and couldn't continue. On the day, I had a kind of panic attack and nearly fainted (someone helped me transition before I collapsed). I made a fool of myself in front of everyone. I used to be very good at making presentations. I accumulated so much stress over the last few weeks that it destroyed everything : my confidence, my social life, my relationship with my parents, ... Whatever I have done to her that has made her feel bad, I think I have paid a very hard price for it.

 

It made me realize that she was starting to affect my life way too much. Hopefully it will be the trigger to start a new life with her definitely out of the picture and no feelings about what she might think or how she might feel.

[brent878]

Unfortunately, a hurt woman is very hard to get back. Women don't want to feel hurt or unappreciated and once they get into their own heads and start to feel wronged, it's nearly impossible to get them back.

 

They want to feel safe, and loved, but able to do their own thing. I have been on the other end of this, where I gave something my all and didn't get much in return and it is emotionally exhausting. I am not surprised she reached a breaking point.

 

I think this is a good lesson to not take people for granted.

[gringoloco]

Unfortunately, a hurt woman is very hard to get back. Women don't want to feel hurt or unappreciated and once they get into their own heads and start to feel wronged, it's nearly impossible to get them back.

 

They want to feel safe, and loved, but able to do their own thing. I have been on the other end of this, where I gave something my all and didn't get much in return and it is emotionally exhausting. I am not surprised she reached a breaking point.

 

I think this is a good lesson to not take people for granted.

 

That’s true. But we were rejecting the blame on each other permanently. I felt underapreciated too. I think her depression made her not care about just living good moments. She wasn’t able to see any quality in me, whereas I saw loads in her. She wanted me to talk about her issues 24/7 and couldn’t stand the fact that I would spend time out with friends. When someone wants you to become their psychologist and base their whole life around you, things become ugly. In the end, I wasn’t able to deal with it. I was more independent. I knew it was a proof of love from her, but I felt overwhelmed. Every time I would go out with friends it would trigger a massive argument with her blocking me from all social media etc...

In the end, I was more worried about her being safe, this was making me stress a lot. Numerous times I worried that she would commit something stupid. Once I even reached out to all her flatmates to check if she was allright because she felt asleep in her room and wasn’’t returing my calls. I wanted to be some kind of protector. But by doing that, she lost her sexual appeal to me.

I also think the long distance thing overall is hard to sustain. Especially for someone like her who has a massive issue with trust in general. She sufffered with her parents and now everything in her eye becomes a betrayal.

I wish we could just wish each other well and leave on good terms, just for the sake of the memories we have, but I can’t destroy my life anymore thinking about someone who doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

[nolanola]

You have to try to forgive yourself. It sounds like there was a lot of toxicity there, partly likely because she has some mental health issues to work with. That can suck a person (you) in and co-dependence can develop very easily.

 

It sounds like she isn't in a place to talk to you right now or to forgive you. However, that doesn't mean it will always be that way. Let her go to hopefully get the help that she needs. Time has a way of softening feelings and some day you guys might be able to talk again.

 

I dated a guy years ago who was very toxic. We had so many hurtful arguments. He was so awful and I was no angel myself. When we broke up I actually thought I would die. It hurt so badly and I was SO angry at him. For years I was angry. But you know what? As time went on and he went on with his life and I went on with mine, I started to forget some of the things. Not everything, but I couldn't tell you the exact timeline anymore or who said what. It took years and years, but eventually I stopped being angry at him. I was able to see that I had contributed to the situation by having no boundaries and in staying in an unhealthy situation. And I was able to see that he was a very damaged person. He did apologize to me, 5 years after we stopped speaking. I never responded, mostly because I didn't want to get dragged into that mess again. But it meant a lot to me and I think it helped me to release all the bitterness I had about him.

 

So you don't know what might happen. But you can't sit in a prison of your regrets for years. You're not a bad person because you hurt someone. If anything, I think the fact that you're remorseful about it says the opposite - that you're a good person who hates to see someone you care about suffer.

[gringoloco]

Thank you for your kind words,

 

I hope that as you say we will be able to communicate someday. But I suppose she will find someone rapidly (she is very beautiful, and good at hiding her weaknesses) and that it will never happen. Maybe I will find someone in the meantime too.

 

I have had to deal with people passing away around me before, but weirdly enough I am more affected by this. The thought of having someone you cherished and had wonderful times with in the arms of someone else is very destructive.

[nolanola]

Thank you for your kind words,

 

I hope that as you say we will be able to communicate someday. But I suppose she will find someone rapidly (she is very beautiful, and good at hiding her weaknesses) and that it will never happen. Maybe I will find someone in the meantime too.

 

I have had to deal with people passing away around me before, but weirdly enough I am more affected by this. The thought of having someone you cherished and had wonderful times with in the arms of someone else is very destructive.

 

This is kind of a weird thing to say, but I have heard people say that divorce is in a way more difficult than death of a spouse. If someone dies, it's not a rejection. Divorce or a breakup of a significant relationship, is rejection of you and the connection you had. That hurts.

 

I still hope that I will be able to talk again someday with some of my exes. For now, I have chosen to think fondly of them from afar. Life is a really funny thing. Sometimes, when I feel like things are hopeless, I think about what my life was 10 years ago. If you had told me then of all of the things that would happen in the next 10 years - the places I would travel, the people I would meet, the heartbreak that I would experience, and so many other things -- I never would have guessed. So we can't say what the next 10 years will bring, both good and bad. That always makes me feel open to the possibilities in life.

[preraph]

Oh, I'm so sorry for your pain. You have to face that you two were fighting too much to stay together though. I know you can fight with and still love someone, but it is a hard life to choose for yourself. You deserve something that will make you happy.

 

No one wants to see their ex with another person. That's human nature, but sometimes that feeling of jealousy makes us forget how bad it was and how it wasn't working. That feeling will pass.

 

I have to say that her causing drama with your during your big exams was very inconsiderate and selfish. If she really cared for you, she would have done whatever was best to keep you calm and focused on getting through your studies, not acted like a wildcat. And of course, you should not have to give up normal good friends for a lover. Never. It's abusive for someone to try to isolate you like that.

 

I know you're too emotional to see it yet, but once you move on, you will look back and realize you are lucky you didn't move forward with her. She was too chaotic. It would have been an unhappy life.

 

Keep busy. Do things you like to do, watch funny movies, travel a bit if you can, socialize with friends, and all this will help you not get in a mourning rut.

[Sgthaytham]

Don’t contact her OP.

[gringoloco]

thank you very much for the answers

 

Sometimes i find myself looking back at the stupid things i did and it makes me really depressed. This is the hard part to live with. I know I could have done better even though the situation was complicated.

 

On the last weekend we saw each other, it was all going fine until she got upset for something that in my eyes was minor. I was stressed with my exams so I got a bit drunk on saturday evening. I suppose I was behaving a bit like a tramp but nothing too bad ... The next morning she got upset and didn’t want to talk to me. We got into a major argument at the end of which I concluded that it would never work, that there were too much issues we were never going to solve such as religion, distance, our constant arguments. I told her i couldn’t get kids with her if i couldn’t bring them up in my religion - I am jewish and she decided to take the religion of her mother who is muslim, and she wanted us to make the kids learn both religions. But she never really talked about it or laid out a plan. In my eyes this would have led to a massive failure because they would have been lost. The thing is although I partly believed all that, I should have never brought it up and kept my mouth shut. I was too stressed at the time and acted stupidly. But she was never mentioning any of theses things, so I felt like i was the only one thinking about the underlying issues. I wish we could have calmly discussed it all over the long run and found a solution. I understand why she felt like she had no future with me. I didn’t give the right impression, and it pains me until now. After this weekend we acted like nothing happened and we were still technically together, because we were really attached to each other, but it must have stayed in a part of her head and that is probably why she is so certain about her choice until now

 

It would have been a very difficult road and life probably had we married and got kids, but maybe it would have been worth it in the end. Until know I still hope that she is well and deep down I can’t refrain from caring for her. It is sad that we both had to suffer like we did although we loved each other.

Edited January 28, 2019 by elpandillero