BF of 3 1/2 years left me.. I am gutted

[Thrillho]

My bf of 3 1/2 years broke up with me on Halloween. He said he didn’t know what he wanted and needs time to think. He needed a break and space. He said he wakes up and sees his best friend. That’s it. He said I love him more than he loves me. it was like he pulled out a chart to show me I care more. I wish I was kidding. He said he couldn’t give me a timeline and couldn’t promise we would get back together. “You’re my best friend nothing will change” we met at work 7 years ago.

 

I asked if we could work things out and he said no he needed time to think. “It’s the little things” is all he would say. He said he needs time to think about things and I can’t be around. I had a weird feeling something else was goin on. I asked him if there was someone else and he said “no, that’s not what this is about I would never do that to you. Your my best friend”. He was extremely supportive and loving up until this moment. The best guy I’ve ever dated. I was completely blind sided.

 

PLOT TWIST-

I was just about to transfer to the same store as him. I had been planning this for a long time and he was so supportive and even helped me with my interview. I said “ I’m about to transfer” he was like “ it’ll be great, we can work together again”. I was completely broken. And yes you read that right I was in the process of transferring closer to home to his location when all this went down.

 

He called me a few days later which I thought was odd seeing as he wanted space. He said he was happy to hear my voice. He asked how my dog was and if my car was working again. He said he was just playing a lot of video games and that was about it. Umm cool I’m dying inside but ok. I ended the call as I couldn’t bare it any longer.

I did everything in my power to stop the transfer. I had worked so hard for it and now everything was crumbling. All I could do was push it back a week.

 

He reached out again a week later and just wanted me to pick up my stuff from his house and find out why I hadn’t started at the store yet... again I ended the call. I was broken. I thought he maybe had a change of heart.. sadly no.

 

 

So I start working there and he comes up to me and hugs me and says “ your hair look so good!” Inside I was dying.

I kept my distance and tried so hard to focus but we work in the same department.

I felt absolutely miserable and humiliated. He had told everyone we had broken up. I couldn’t believe it. He’s a very private person so I was shocked when I figured out everyone around me knew our personal life.

 

 

I knew something was wrong and my gut was right. I noticed if he called out of work this other girl wasn’t there. And vice versa. At first I thought “ your just imaging things it’s in your head” then a few days later I caught him with this very girl after the store meeting holding hands and leaving together. My heart dropped out of my chest. I seriously feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Just shy of two weeks after I started there. And not even a month after our breakup. I couldn’t believe it. I lost my temper and told them to F off as they got into a Lyft together.

 

Now here’s the thing- my brain keeps telling me I shouldn’t have acted that way. I completely lost my composure and basically stalked her to find out what was going on. My sister says I’m over analyzing it and that if I hadn’t done what I did I wouldn’t have known what was really going on. She said when your in love you do crazy things and not to worry about it. Not sure why but it’s eating me alive like I ****ed up. She says I’m being way to hard on myself& The only person who ****ed up is him.

 

 

He either cheated on me, left me for her or he’s rebounding idk. I guess it doesn’t matter. I feel so worthless. I feel so betrayed. Idk what I did wrong as we had great chemistry and always had so much fun.

 

In between all Of this My dad fell ill so I flew home and I am not at the store at the moment.

 

I haven’t seen him since that night I found them together. As soon as I got home I blocked him everywhere. I went full NC after that. 23 days NC as of this moment. . Funny thing is i still care and love him and I know I shouldn’t. Ive just been trying to focus on myself and be around friends and family. I am absolutely miserable. I’ve cried so much ,Sometimes I feel ok or basically feel nothing. then all the emotions hit me at once. I am completely gutted. I don’t get it. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of them together.

I thought he was the one and he hurt me more than I ever knew possible. He lied to my face and gave me BS reasons for walking away from our relationship. And I know what people are gonna say “ this is what you get for dating a coworker.” I normally wouldn’t, but I thought he was the real deal and we were friend for years before. Lesson learned. We went from talking everyday and always being together to my heart on the ****ing floor while he galavantes around with some girl. {shudder}

 

How does someone move on so quickly? I feel so worthless. Not sure what I’m gaining by posting this I feel so lost. I used to come here when my last relationship ended and I really liked the community and the responses it really helped. I guess that’s why I’m here ..

Edited December 23, 2018 by Thrillho

[Giraffe-A]

Oh God... I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Unfortunately, based on the first paragraph alone, I could tell there was someone else involved. Those are the classic lines. This guy does not deserve a second longer from your life. Focus on your dad and try to see if you can go back to your old position. I wouldn’t worry about your reaction, just stay strong next time.

[nolanola]

I totally get where you are coming from. Feeling like someone you love has replaced you like you never mattered is such a horrible feeling. It seems like they can move on so easily while you sit there and suffer. But, know this...his situation with this new person is a band-aid for him. It feels good for him right now because it's new and exciting. Also, he gets to tell himself that you guys are still "friends" so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. I am going to predict that this will all catch up to him eventually, especially if you're able to get some distance from him and the situation. I would consider getting out of the work location you're in if at all possible, even if you have to get a new job.

Do not feel bad for your emotions and things that you did in the aftermath. I have been there. I have done and said terrible and incredibly embarrassing things during a break up. You are a human being with feelings. Someone you care about and trust hurt you terribly. It is very reasonable that you would lash out. Time tends to soften these things and someday you won't be so ashamed, especially if you can avoid these people.

There is a thread right above yours, called "I feel so rejected" or something like that. Read it. I think it will give you some hope that your situation can and will get better.

[shoe.box]

I commiserate about the dating the coworker thing, just remember if you have to talk to him at work, keep it about work, nothing else. But don't feel bad about 'stalking' the girl to find out what was going on. Nobody has to know, maybe it wasn't truly healthy behaviour, but it answered your questions and got you to the point to initiate NC, and I think that is what's important.

[Thrillho]

I posted about my breakup earlier. This is just an update. I said some things to my ex and his new fling or whatever when I saw them together less then a month after the breakup. I told them to **** off while they got into a lyft together. A mutual friend called me and told me that my ex called me crazy for the way I acted that night. I can’t stop thinking about it. I already feel heartbroken and terrible. Now I know he hates me and is still with the other woman. He also lied to my friend and said we were on a break and just happened to meet this girl while on break with me. (He basically left me for her that’s what it felt like). Idk why I’m posting here it just really hurts that not only did he lie about everything but that’s how he feels about me. I know I Shouldn’t have acted the way I did that night but I was so hurt that he could just move on so quickly.

Edited January 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I'm so sorry. Remind yourself that you're not the first to act a bit crazy after a breakup and you won't be the last. Forgive yourself and move on.

[nolanola]

Ouch. How long has it been since this exchange?

 

I think a lot of us struggle with how we left things. I know I do. I hate to think of someone thinking bad things about me, especially someone I thought the world of for so long. Unfortunately, you can't undo that moment. It is highly likely, especially if you take some distance (meaning do not contact them in any shape or fashion) that these feelings he has about you will soften some. Emotions are super high right after a breakup but they tend to simmer down a bit as time passes.

 

I hate the way I ended things with my ex and I wasn't that mean, I don't think. But I was hurt and that was what came out. I didn't want to pretend like I didn't care or that I was fine with everything. You reacted out of hurt and (I suspect) jealousy. I think that's a very human thing to do and many of us have probably done much worse in our worst moments.

 

Try to be kind to yourself and know that you can't control what someone else thinks about you. As time passes (this is the HARDEST part) it will get a lot easier, especially as you don't see them.

[gcp]

Look, when my ex broke up with me a month after we had a miscarriage I drove by her ex bfs house and saw her car there 2 days after the break up. I wrote her an email telling her this and said in a way I was glad the miscarriage happened because she showed her true colors.... a couple days later I felt like a complete jerk and a psychopath.

 

Sometimes emotions get the best of us, especially when we feel hurt and betrayed. Don't worry what he thinks of you and like basil said, forgive yourself.

[Thrillho]

Ouch. How long has it been since this exchange? {snip}

This happened in the beginning of December. This friend of mine just spoke to my ex yesterday. So he clearly hates me.

Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

This happened in the beginning of December. This friend of mine just spoke to my ex yesterday. So he clearly hates me.

 

Nah, I bet he doesn't. He hates that people know what he's really about (overlapping relationships) and it makes him look bad. He's trying to hide his guilt behind an angry facade. He knows deep-down that this is his fault, not yours.

 

The other possibility here is that he'd lied to his new girlfriend about his status with you and doesn't want anyone blowing his cover. Meaning, he might have also led her to believe you two had already broken up or were "on a break" when they hooked up.

 

You will eventually forgive yourself for this one encounter, and it soon won't bother you that much what he thinks of you. While it might not have been your most elegant moment, it wasn't really that bad in light of what he'd been up to behind your back.

[TheBetterPerson]

I posted about my breakup earlier. This is just an update. I said some things to my ex and his new fling or whatever when I saw them together less then a month after the breakup. I told them to **** off while they got into a lyft together. A mutual friend called me and told me that my ex called me crazy for the way I acted that night. I can’t stop thinking about it. I already feel heartbroken and terrible. Now I know he hates me and is still with the other woman. He also lied to my friend and said we were on a break and just happened to meet this girl while on break with me. (He basically left me for her that’s what it felt like). Idk why I’m posting here it just really hurts that not only did he lie about everything but that’s how he feels about me. I know I Shouldn’t have acted the way I did that night but I was so hurt that he could just move on so quickly.

 

My dear, you acted exactly how you felt at the time, its disrespectful and you shouldn't worry what he thinks, he should know that if his ex saw him holding hands with someone else would obviously break your heart.

 

I dated my ex through work, then i find him holding hands with a girl i sit opposite at work, he even moves her into his flat - i left shortly after that!

 

Don't feel bad about the way you acted, it was a heart wrenching moment and quite frankly this guy is trying to dodge his conscious!

 

Time, it takes time hun x

[stillafool]

Why do you care what he thinks? Did he care about your feelings asking you to transfer there only to parade his new gf around in front of you? Stop caring about him more than you do yourself. To hell with them! Is there anyway you can ask to be transferred back to your old location?

[avriltreize]

Sorry to hear about your break up I am there with you, but dont for one second feel bad about what you said.

 

It's so hard when you think everything is going fine and then 'boom!' they ask to talk. My ex and I celebrated Xmas together and everything seemed fine, there were no indications he was feeling differently towards me and then a few days after new years he basically said the same thing to me as your ex said to you.

 

At first I was in shock. Then I felt foolish to not have noticed something was a wry. Then I didn't feel anything. Then I just felt sad. And now I'm telling myself there isn't anything I could have done to change the outcome and that is helping.

 

It's been really hard. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this guy. And I know for a time he thought the same about me. You are a little better off than I am for at least there seems to be a legitimate reason to his actions even though he did not present them at the time of the break up (which makes him a coward in my mind). If he was truly your best friend, no matter how hard it would be for him to hurt you, you deserve the truth.

 

My ex was my best friend too and he would never lie to me. When I asked if there was someone else he said there wasn't. And since we've broken up we've still talked/texted/emailed and even seen each other as I slowly gather my things from his place. I'm sure a NC time will come but he's letting me deal with it in my own way and take my time. And everyday it seems to get a little easier to let him go.

 

Dont think about what you said to your ex, just focus on yourself.

[Thrillho]

Would it be a bad idea to email him and apologize for the way I acted? Or should I just leave it alone?

[Redhead14]

Would it be a bad idea to email him and apologize for the way I acted? Or should I just leave it alone?

 

 

 

 

Leave it alone . . .

[nolanola]

Would it be a bad idea to email him and apologize for the way I acted? Or should I just leave it alone?

 

Maybe at some time later, but it's waaaaaay too fresh right now. You said he just said you were crazy to your friend, right? So his emotions are still running high too. I think the best thing, but also the hardest thing, is to let him be. I understand how you feel...I'm a fixer too. I hate the idea that someone could be angry with me or might not think well of me. ESPECIALLY if that someone is my ex. Because, let's be honest, we all want to leave things in a good place because down the line we want them back, or at least we want the possibility to be there. I know that is true for me. It's very hard to accept that I can't control what he thinks about me.

 

BUT...you shouldn't have to sell someone on yourself. So you shouldn't have to try to fix things with this guy. He is the one in the wrong. He was involved with this woman before breaking things off with you. That is incredibly shady and disrespectful. I agree with whoever said upthread that he knows he's in the wrong and that's why he is acting like this. He knows he's been a rat and so he's having to try to make himself look better by making you look bad. This is low behavior on his part. If he had class, he would just accept that he hurt you and keep his distance.

 

Try to keep focused on staying away. Let him be with his new "relationship". These types of things rarely work out and I suspect he will be back at some point, once the newness of this has worn off. You're better than this guy, at least how he is acting right now. If he wants to get himself together and be an upright guy, he can apologize to you. Until then, leave him be.

[avriltreize]

Leave it alone.

[cupycake]

I can totally feel you.

 

My situation is just as same as yours. Me and my ex were in relationship for 3.5 years. He broke up with me because he isnt romantically in love anymore, "want to try sthing new" and yes that I love him more than he does and also said I'm only his best friend. I was suffering, crying literally everyday for 5 months straight, I couldnt get over him even until now. He said he realized what he's losing but guess what ... he is now already in relationship with someone else after 2 - 3 months breaking up with me, worse than that that he was flirting, sweet talks with another girl after a week since we broke up, believe me I went crazy. Then despite me - giving away chances and chances for him to think it thru, hope he would change his mind but he didnt take it and went for someone else anyway. I also dont know if he would be serious with that girl or just rebounding but here I quoted from a post that I've read "some people get really lonely after break-ups and choose to fill that void with someone else a lot quicker than you'd like."

 

Leave it alone whatever you feel like you did wrong to him, you have the right to be angry but it wasnt the new girl's fault so dont take it wrong way. It was just himself. Dont send him anything, really, just keep it with you or write it down somewhere as a diary. Until you are actually ok, until you get over this, then feel free to apologize to the girl but not the guy hahahaha

 

But look, you should know yourself that you deserve so much better than this. Soooo muchhh betterrrr!!!!

You should just focus on yourself from now on, make yourself the only priority and number 1 that you should care about. I know it's difficult, it is right now for me too. I lost myself while we were in relationship and thought that I was able take care for him and myself but I was wrong. And now it is time for me and yes for you too to become better person. I know it is super difficult, but trust me you can do it.

Things like this happened for a reason, try to keep it positive, think that this is a way for you to realize that yourself is much more important than just him, once you learn how to love yourself enough, fulfill yourself with whatever you love, either with him or with anyone else, in relationship or being single, you'll still be fine. He's not your only happiness, your happiness appear everywhere around you, in everything you did, do and will do.

 

I really hope this would help. I'm doing the same thing right now and I trust that us and whoever in the same situation, can do it!

Edited January 28, 2019 by cindyle

[AnniePell]

Would it be a bad idea to email him and apologize for the way I acted? Or should I just leave it alone?

 

Just leave it alone. You really haven't done anything you need to apologize for. So you got angry and said some things, so what, just focus on you now and really try to move on from this guy. He is not worth your time at this juncture. (He may have been art one point, but not any more).

[Desperatelyconfused]

You have nothing to apologise for. You did nothing wrong. He lied to you and he left you for someone else.

 

He has behaved badly. He is angry and saying stuff about you because he is trying to distract people from seeing him as the "baddie"

 

Classic defensive tactic.

 

People usually see through it.

 

You were hurt and angry and you are entitled to be so.

[Thrillho]

Just wanted to write an update. Still working at the same location and I have to see my ex and his new girl everyday. Yesterday while I was on break I saw them eating lunch together and it nearly killed me. I thought I was doing better. I have attempted to transfer and still nothing. I’m constantly looking for a way out. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare that won’t end. It’s been almost 6 months since the breakup and he’s been with her the entire time. I’m completely heartbroken and can’t seem to move on. I don’t speak to either of them unless I have to for work. I try and be totally indifferent and act like I’m ok. I know I’ll never understand why he did this and how he can be so hurtful. I just want to disappear.