I really think I've been dating a narcissist

[bluesunflower]

I've been doing a ton of research on the internet lately, and although I know to take internet research with a grain of salt, I am convinced I have been dating a narcissist. From what I could find, many people can fall on the scale and have tendencies but fewer than 1% of people are actually narcissists, but I really believe that my ex is. I wanna know what you guys think, and please please share if you have dated someone similarly!

 

So here's what my situation is and what my ex is like. We started dating a year and two months ago. The relationship was great for six months, then he began to get distant and he ended the relationship and not even a month later moved away. He regretted it and after four months, moved back here and we started dating again in the beginning. After a month, he dumped me again and now we have been having an on/off again relationship for months.

 

Here is why I think he is a narcissist, and I wouldn't use that word lightly normally. He is incredibly charming, which is always the first sign. We just graduated college but when he was in school, he made sure every professor was his favorite. I kid you not, while I knew him, three of his professors out of five for that semester invited him out for a drink or dinner, and in one case, a dinner out with her family. A couple of his high school teachers call him regularly and catch up with him. Also, weirdly, many of his exes hit him up still. (I guess I have to include myself in that, too.)

 

So he's charming and people like him immediately, including myself. He is the most confident person I have ever met. Which I would learn as overconfidence. When he asked me out, he approached me in a public place and simply asked if I would like to go out on a date the next night. I have never talked to him previously, just saw him in the back of a class I had with him.

 

Next, the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is said to be like no other. They will shower their partner with love and it will feel like a dream. This is truly how it was for six months.

 

Then, there is a turnaround moment where they cut off their partner and begin "discarding" their partner, as it was put online. This is what happened to me; I woke up one day, I can tell you the exact date it was, and he was different. He was distant and no longer looked at me with love. When I asked him what was wrong, he threatened to break up with me if I pushed it and said I was reading into things "as always" which was a shock.

 

Then, there is the way his friends see him. We have the same friend group (which is primarily why me and him have still been in contact, because we all go out every weekend) and they all have said he has a serious issue. He is known for cracking really cutthroat jokes, which is fine if you can take it yourself. If someone turns it around and cracks a joke at him, he will give them the silent treatment or tell them off. Multiple times, friends have asked him why he can dish it and can't take it and he just brushes them off.

 

Probably the biggest indicator for me of his narcissism is the gaslighting. I did not know what this word meant for a long time, despite hearing it frequently, but once I learned it, it became a big part of my life and described exactly what I was going through. Here is a scenario.

 

Last weekend was my birthday. For the first forty-five minutes, he stood on my porch and called a friend back home who he said he hadn't talked to in a while, despite the fact that last weekend he did the same thing. When I asked him to come inside after forty-five minutes, he was agitated and we got in a huge fight about it later that evening. He told me that I was making the situation bigger than it was and nobody cared but me and isn't it sad that I can't focus on my other friends? Everyone, and I mean all eight of the friends there, made a comment about him being outside at some point during that forty-five minutes and said how rude it was. Two people encouraged me to go get him, and I was embarrassed and agreed, so I did. On the scale of things, he did not do anything horrendously wrong, especially since he is not even technically my boyfriend. But if I purposely called a friend in the beginning of another friend's party and stayed on the phone for close to an hour, I would be so embarrassed to even go back to the party. But he was unfazed, and he told me that I made up people's reactions. He told me that I was looking hard for some kind of annoyance of others and I was overreacting, despite the fact that I barely pushed him on it and he brought it up later.

 

Finally, he has the biggest ego of anyone. He has made comments about how he thinks he is better than most people, and you can tell he genuinely believes it and it is scary. For example, he does not belong to a political party because he said he is above people on both sides and they are both unintelligent, whether you are Dem or Rep. It is a ridiculous, sweeping argument to make but he genuinely believes it.

 

He also makes weird weird offhand comments complimenting himself that I used to just ignore because I thought it was just some quirky thing. Like he'll just say "I'm so smart" or "I'm so attractive" and be DEAD serious about it in the moment, and typically, it is not prompted by anything. It's so odd. I don't know if he is trying to convince other people that he is these things but it really does not seem like an act. I used to have an ex who did the opposite, he would say things like "I'm so stupid and ugly" because he had severe depression and self esteem issues, so I think with this most recent ex, I saw it as a similar trait (even if what they were saying was opposite) and brushed it off.

 

I asked him once if he has ever felt not confident in a scenario and he said one time when he couldn't speak another language fluently when someone he was with could. And when asked again, he said he really could not think of another time. Like he is very overconfident all of the time.

 

I will end with this. One of the traits of a narcissist is lack of empathy. He has seen me cry multiple times and just watched, and one time, even told me to stop because I look pathetic. Unless someone is abusing me while they are crying, I cannot imagine a scenario where I could see someone cry and not feel a pang of anything at all. The weird thing is, if I had moments of emotion or cried during our six month solid relationship, he would care and hug me and soothe me but now it's like he's dropped the act completely.

 

I obviously could fill a whole novel and if you need more info to assess, I could definitely provide some. But do you think he is a full fledged narcissist or just has tendencies? I guess it's hard if you don't know him but he seems to hit all the traits.

 

PLEASE if someone has had experience dating a narcissist, PLEASE share!! I need advice as I don't know anyone irl who has dated someone like this. Thank you if you stuck around this long!

 

(P.S. If you're wondering, I have reached a breaking point and now I plan on filtering him out of my life. It will be hard since we go out with the same people every weekend but over the holiday break I'm going to have a lot of time to think over my plan.)

[GTG]

His behavior does seem to be pretty narcissistic. What got me was when he berated you for crying--no one who loves another person should call them "pathetic" when they are sad. I had an ex who had those tendencies, but it was more because he had difficulty expressing his emotions in ways that weren't cocky or trying to brush off the fact that he does feel things. I'm glad you are done with him though because that is not healthy.

[Gretchen12]

I don't see narcissism (the disorder) here. Being charming and confident are good traits. You have a problem with much of this after he broke off with you. There are resentment, crying, anger, disrespect, annoyance, etc from both sides after an ugly break up.

 

You are still trying to understand what hapened. If he indeed has NPD, there's a good chance you have BPD. People with disorders attract each other and have these on-off relationships. They tend to not be attracted to Non's and even if there's a brief relationship, the Non's are too healthy to continue an unhealthy entanglement post-breakup. So for your sake I hope this is just a bad break up with no disorders involved.

[Giraffe-A]

Only a professional can diagnose this. Charming, good looking men are very confident because they have not been challenged yet. Deep down, you can tell how insecure he really is when he can't take jokes. As far as empathy, it all depends on how you were raised and how you have conditioned yourself. I used to work with officers who had returned from the war. What people generally feared or were troubled over was seen as insignificant to them because they had experienced true horrors and had to face them head on. To this guy, you're just a person of too much emotion. He may do better with someone equally self-absorbed. Before you cut him off, try it.

[anika99]

He certainly has narcissistic traits but only a professional could tell you if he is a true narcissist but a professional would never make that diagnosis by just listening to stories about that person, they would want to examine and evaluate that person face to face.

 

I disagree with the poster who said if he is NPD than you must BPD. While that is a pairing that happens I'd say most people who find themselves involved with someone who has NPD or BPD have traits of codependency. And sometimes there is nothing wrong with the person who gets involved with an NPD other than they were in a weak and vulnerable place at the time they met the narcissist or they just lack life experience and therefore missed the red flags.

 

You know enough about this guy to know he is not good for you, you don't need an official name for what ails him. I know it hurts to be discarded but if your with someone who has a severe personality disorder then being discarded is a blessing. Longterm relationships with an NPD are misery.

[divegrl]

Hi

 

Commitment phone, avoidant, broken.... these are all words that come to mind. This man is toxic and if you continue this on/off cycle with him you will be broken as well.

 

Please take time to focus on yourself. With these types of men, it seems as soon as you get over them they reappear. They must have some type of radar, lol.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend

[BC1980]

A lot of this stuff sounds the same way most people describe someone who dumped them. You described the course many relationships take. Some of the stuff he did was rude, but it just seems like run of the mill rude stuff.

Edited December 22, 2018 by BC1980

[bluesunflower]

His behavior does seem to be pretty narcissistic. What got me was when he berated you for crying--no one who loves another person should call them "pathetic" when they are sad. I had an ex who had those tendencies, but it was more because he had difficulty expressing his emotions in ways that weren't cocky or trying to brush off the fact that he does feel things. I'm glad you are done with him though because that is not healthy.

 

Yeah, the crying thing was what really got to me and first made me think about whether he was a narcissist or not. It's still weird to think about. Thanks for your input!

[bluesunflower]

I don't see narcissism (the disorder) here. Being charming and confident are good traits. You have a problem with much of this after he broke off with you. There are resentment, crying, anger, disrespect, annoyance, etc from both sides after an ugly break up.

 

You are still trying to understand what hapened. If he indeed has NPD, there's a good chance you have BPD. People with disorders attract each other and have these on-off relationships. They tend to not be attracted to Non's and even if there's a brief relationship, the Non's are too healthy to continue an unhealthy entanglement post-breakup. So for your sake I hope this is just a bad break up with no disorders involved.

 

I agree that people with disorders can attract each other and I know that there is no clear way to say whether he has the disorder or not. But his being charming and confident are not good traits when it comes to him because it is overdone. Like the saying goes, there can be too much of a good thing. I know that people can exaggerate their partners after a breakup and like you said, you think it is because I have a problem with how the breakup went. But I assure you that his personality and the way he treated me was very unhealthy and damaging. And even if he does not have NPD, he definitely has traits of it.

[bluesunflower]

Only a professional can diagnose this. Charming, good looking men are very confident because they have not been challenged yet. Deep down, you can tell how insecure he really is when he can't take jokes. As far as empathy, it all depends on how you were raised and how you have conditioned yourself. I used to work with officers who had returned from the war. What people generally feared or were troubled over was seen as insignificant to them because they had experienced true horrors and had to face them head on. To this guy, you're just a person of too much emotion. He may do better with someone equally self-absorbed. Before you cut him off, try it.

 

I like the point you made about these men being that way because they have not been challenged yet. That definitely makes sense. And yes, I see how he would just see me as someone with too much emotion. Thanks for your input!

[SunnyWeather]

you sure are spending a lot of energy on trying to diagnosis him. perhaps, a more fruitful exercise might be to examine what your role is in this relationship and ask whether it's serving you any longer.

 

it takes two to tango - in your case, a narcissist needs to have an audience to feed the their ego. if the source of that energy goes missing, they move on to another source who will provide the sustenance they require.

 

are you going to continue to let him feed off you?

 

shine your light onto and into yourself to get the clarity you need

[bluesunflower]

you sure are spending a lot of energy on trying to diagnosis him. perhaps, a more fruitful exercise might be to examine what your role is in this relationship and ask whether it's serving you any longer.

 

it takes two to tango - in your case, a narcissist needs to have an audience to feed the their ego. if the source of that energy goes missing, they move on to another source who will provide the sustenance they require.

 

are you going to continue to let him feed off you?

 

shine your light onto and into yourself to get the clarity you need

 

No, I'm definitely done letting him feed off me! I know he's moved on to other people to feed his ego and I'm done with that exhausting lifestyle. Thank you for your advice!

[sunflower24]

I posted a thread on here a few weeks ago in regard to believing my ex might be a narcissist, and many users were very quick to jump down my throat for "suggesting" he may have a disorder. Apparently I was very much in the wrong and had "no right" to do so. So, with that in mind, I will leave my personal opinion out of this.

 

However, like you, I have conducted fairly extensive research. I know what I experienced, and I have a laundry list of examples that point to narcissistic traits. I want to share with you some of those examples and hopefully that will either help validate your beliefs toward your ex or maybe actually change them.

 

In regard to my ex:

- had low emotional intelligence / poor emotional maturity

- had minimal, if any, self-awareness

- egotistical / convinced he knows more and is better than most in every aspect

- obsessed with grandeur and personal success (money and living a life of luxury is HIGHLY important to him)

- ability to empathize was poor (cognitive over emotional empathy)

- lacked understanding of basic social cues / did not know how to “read the room” and adapt his behavior to match

- lacked the ability to control his negative emotions (especially when criticized or critiqued -- became very defensive and angry)

- could not take responsibility for his behavior / played the victim and shifted blame onto others

- listened unilaterally and always found a way to tie the conversation back to himself

- could not form a deep, emotional connection with me (after 2 and a half years!!!)

- all of his friendships were very superficial -- based on drinking, partying, working out, money, etc.

- made gestures / gave gifts based on how they made HIM feel

- craved attention and immense admiration

 

He also used gaslighting...a lot. He would always minimize my feelings and withhold from me. During the very last conversation we had, before I broke up with him, I asked him to tell me why he loved me. A simple question because he honestly never told me. He REFUSED, telling me that "we had already be over it," and he would not give in to my demands. "Already going over it" was alluding to 8 months prior, when I had asked him the same question, for the first and only other time.

 

I hope this helps.

[sunflower24]

Also, I just want to say that I am very glad you are done with allowing him to feed off you. Because I know how exhausting and energy-sucking it all can be, especially as someone who is very empathetic and truly cares about his well-being.

Edited March 27, 2019 by sunflower24

[bluesunflower]

I posted a thread on here a few weeks ago in regard to believing my ex might be a narcissist, and many users were very quick to jump down my throat for "suggesting" he may have a disorder. Apparently I was very much in the wrong and had "no right" to do so. So, with that in mind, I will leave my personal opinion out of this.

 

However, like you, I have conducted fairly extensive research. I know what I experienced, and I have a laundry list of examples that point to narcissistic traits. I want to share with you some of those examples and hopefully that will either help validate your beliefs toward your ex or maybe actually change them. {snip}

 

 

Hey fellow sunflower! I really enjoyed reading your comment. I was also surprised to find others very defensive over the suggestion that he may have the disorder, but I guess they thought I was diagnosing him when I really was making connections and just working off opinion. I'll never know if he really is one I guess unless he goes to a psychiatrist (never gonna happen) but yeah I relate to you!

 

Reading your experience was fascinating because some of the bullet points are like him EXACTLY and some do not relate at all. For example, your third point about him believing he is better in everything is exactly like my ex. He often compared us - told me he was funnier, smarter, a better writer (which he said purposely to try and get under my skin, as he knows writing is like the only thing I am confident in), and recently even said he was better looking since he has slept with more people. When I questioned him what he thought I was better at than him, he could not think of a single answer. I have NO idea why I stuck around weeks after that.

 

Your point about him craving admiration is also a HUGE one for my ex. He always said that everyone loves him, and genuinely believed it, despite the fact that after my parents met him, they blatantly told me they didn't care for him because he was too cocky. (WHY DID I STICK AROUND FOR A YEAR AND A HALF!) Like I put in my original post, he NEEDED people to absolutely adore him and kissed the asses of all his teachers and professors and now they're all his friends because he would not stop until they loved him.

 

But other points he was the opposite - for example, he was not motivated by money. He works a really low level job, so low level in fact that our friends were all shocked when he appeared content and had no intention of moving up from a minimum wage job despite being a college graduate from a good university and being decently smart. He has a super low bar for himself, yet still has described his "career" as "promising."

 

The most interesting comparison came out of your last paragraph. Unlike your ex, mine would be open with saying that he loved me and even lovebombed me whenever he knew I was talking to other guys when we weren't exclusive. However, he does do THE SAME thing your ex does when he said "we've already been over this" etc. It's CRAZY! He verbatim always says that whenever I try to have a productive conversation - he refused to "get into anything" even when I tried to explain it would help me and it wouldn't escalate into a fight.

 

I have a question for you: Did you find that your ex would say really mean things and feel no remorse? I feel like this is a narcissistic trait. None of my previous exes ever got as nasty as he did. Honestly, I was going to list a few things as examples but it is still too painful and fresh and should not even be repeated. They would also come out of no where - for example if he just ASSUMED I was out with another guy I'd get a string of texts about how much of a whore I was and how he was going to block me and never talk to me again just to take it back the next day. It was always a rollercoaster with him.

 

It's so weird that even after all of this, I still miss him. I think about all the awful things that he said to me and get extremely mad and upset, and yet, I still miss having him around. I hate it! I hope you are in a better place than I am. Thank you so much for your comment and support.

Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[pinkpaw]

Hey,

I disagree with people saying you shouldn't research get into the murky waters of trying to 'diagnose' somebody.

Whilst yes, I agree that only a mental health professional can really diagnose personality disorders, good luck trying to get a narcissist through a therapist's door for evaluation. And even if you do, are these posters who are adamant that 'only professionals can diagnose' really so foolish as to think that the narcissist is going to show to them what he reveals to close ones? Deluded.

 

I myself struggled for many, many years with a difficult relationship with my mother. I didn't know a damn thing about narcissism. All I knew was her behaviour behind closed doors was vitriolic, abusive, manipulative and cunning. But my god, to the outside world, she did all she could to get validation.

I remember having a horrible experience with a guy who was very similar to her. Again, no idea of narcissism. I posted on a forum about the situation, to help understand; naiively, I thought that this was just a 'relationship issue'. One reader was horrified at his behaviour and words and pointed me to links about emotional abuse, and from there I read about narcissism, and how if you have experienced narcissistic abuse from an early age, or are vulnerable, you are more likely to get entangled with such a type. All the pieces fell together. I then saw a counsellor and spoke of my family experiences and she said terms like 'gaslighting' and 'narcisssitic' of her own accord.

 

Later on, when I was helping a sibling get treatment for a psychiatric illness, whilst giving a history to the doctor, he asked about our mother. I said a few things, he looked alarmed and asked me to attempt to get her seen by a professional. I laughed inside - as if my mother would ever fall for this trick! I told him that it simply wouldn't happen and even if she did go, she would put on an act, as she always did in public.

A few later, she came to visit the hospital to meet my sibling and met the staff and gave an oscar-winning performance. I spoke to staff afterwards who I had grown quite close to, one of them said she could not believe this was the same woman I had described.

 

And today? My sibling who unfortunately decided to go back and live with dear mother - is now having another flare up of the mania that comes with stress-induced bipolar. My mother doesn't give a crap, just like she didn't before (which is why I had to take control). No-one is tending to my sibling. I refuse to be involved any longer, because of my sibling's insistence on my mother being involved, with whom I have cut off contact. A mental health nurse told me the bipolar is most likely due to my mother's treatment behind closed doors. The stories I could share would make your hair curl.

 

My point being: to all those who get SO aggravated by people doing their own research on narcissism, or narcissistic traits, or the full disorder, or whereever the heck the 'ex' might fall on the spectrum is - why does it bother you so much? Do you even understand the true nature of this disorder? These people are manipulative and cunning, this world 'only a professional can diagnose' is true yes, but in reality.....it is a joke to think you will ever get one of these people to reveal their true nature to a health professional!

 

Now onto the question of how can it help to research and apply the terms to someone in your life? Because it can help facilitate learning, education and how to spot the red flags, and through that, one can also gain a perspective on how they got caught up in it. The learning has to start somewhere. If the OP is here asking questions, that's part of her learning.

I will forever be grateful to the anonymous user who read my posts and highlighted to me notions of emotional abuse and narcissism. It shook my whole world up and got me to wake up to the dire state of affairs I was in where I had no idea that these behavioural patterns are not normal and disturbing. They felt wrong, but when you don't know, you don't know.

 

Since then, I spot the signs and run a mile. I've reconditioned myself when it comes to what I accept from relationships. Its been long and hard and I'm still coming to terms with the trauma from my mum, but at the very least, I no longer get entangled in these toxic relationships. And it all started with someone providing me with a link to narcissistic behaviour.

 

Yes, some people do get fixated on the label, and others use it to apply to their ex as a way of absolving responsibility and whatever else. But if someone is here, asking questions, trying to understand, then why is it so bad for her to indulge in exploring bad behaviours that may fall within the 'narcissistic' umbrella?

I think to shut it down from the get-go is another way in which society contributes to enabling these manipulative, toxic people.

 

Exploring and asking questions to gain insight is very helpful. Shutting it down immediately is so odd - and this constant parroting of 'only a health professional can diagnose' - if you think these words, I urge you to consider how on earth you can bring one of these individuals to therapy? Do you think they will just go? And be open and honest? Most NPDs only get a diagnosis through being court-ordered to go to therapy.

 

Its so harmful to keep parroting this.

Edited April 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[John101]

 

In regard to my ex:

- had low emotional intelligence / poor emotional maturity

- had minimal, if any, self-awareness

- egotistical / convinced he knows more and is better than most in every aspect

- obsessed with grandeur and personal success (money and living a life of luxury is HIGHLY important to him)

- ability to empathize was poor (cognitive over emotional empathy)

- lacked understanding of basic social cues / did not know how to “read the room” and adapt his behavior to match

- lacked the ability to control his negative emotions (especially when criticized or critiqued -- became very defensive and angry)

- could not take responsibility for his behavior / played the victim and shifted blame onto others

- listened unilaterally and always found a way to tie the conversation back to himself

- could not form a deep, emotional connection with me (after 2 and a half years!!!)

- all of his friendships were very superficial -- based on drinking, partying, working out, money, etc.

- made gestures / gave gifts based on how they made HIM feel

- craved attention and immense admiration

 

He also used gaslighting...a lot. He would always minimize my feelings and withhold from me. During the very last conversation we had, before I broke up with him, I asked him to tell me why he loved me. A simple question because he honestly never told me. He REFUSED, telling me that "we had already be over it," and he would not give in to my demands. "Already going over it" was alluding to 8 months prior, when I had asked him the same question, for the first and only other time.

 

I hope this helps.

 

 

Sorry to read about all your pain. There are 4 "Cluster B" Personality Disorders that are on a continuum of toxicity:

 

• Histrionic PD
  
• Borderline PD
  
• Narcissistic PD
  
• Antisocial PD
  

They also tend to presenting overlapping symptoms; particularity Histrionic PD with Borderline PD; and Narcissistic PD with antisocial PD

 

Those with Histrionic PD or Borderline PD are generally benign and can appear quite normal until a relationship goes wrong. This is not true for those with with Narcissistic PD or Antisocial PD. These always present overt external symptoms.

 

Personally, I don't get why Narcissists are well-liked by many. I find them obnoxious, self-centered and suck the air out every room -- the bride at every wedding and the body at every wake.

 

Those with Antisocial PD, aka Sociopaths, show all the traits of a Narcissist with some added features such as pathological lying, poor behavioral control, superficial emotions and criminality to name a few. These are the most toxic individuals and can be highly dangerous.

 

Gaslighting is universal among Sociopaths and the most WTF? trait. Sounds like your ex has some features overlapping with Antisocial PD. Keep in mind that a Sociopath's criminality does not mean an individual need not have an arrest history.

 

Donald Trump is a (the) textbook example of a Sociopath.

[bluesunflower]

Hey,

I disagree with people saying you shouldn't research get into the murky waters of trying to 'diagnose' somebody.

Whilst yes, I agree that only a mental health professional can really diagnose personality disorders, good luck trying to get a narcissist through a therapist's door for evaluation. And even if you do, are these posters who are adamant that 'only professionals can diagnose' really so foolish as to think that the narcissist is going to show to them what he reveals to close ones? Deluded.

 

Thank you for your post. I appreciate you for many reasons - sharing your story, your defense, and the eloquent way you worded the whole thing. I really enjoyed reading along.

 

I have also thought to myself about how ridiculous it would be to get a narcissist to go to therapy and seek help. I feel like a common trait of the disorder is always believing you are in the right and not thinking there is anything wrong. The whole point of the disorder is thinking highly of yourself, so how on earth can we expect actual narcissists to want to go to therapy?

 

My ex thinks therapy is a joke, and I'm sure most narcissists or those who display tendencies do as well. On a side note, when I mentioned that a statistic says that only one percent of people have the disorder, I was skeptical to even include that because as we have mentioned, most people would never admit to having it because they are unaware they are narcissists. So, most likely, that "statistic" is higher, or it is merely and estimation.

 

I am sorry to hear that you grew up in such a toxic environment. I can only imagine how frustrating and awful that must have been. At least with me, I can escape the situation but you had to live with that. I hope your sibling makes the right choice and moves out of there because that sounds like awful chaos brewing.

[bluesunflower]

 

Personally, I don't get why Narcissists are well-liked by many. I find them obnoxious, self-centered and suck the air out every room -- the bride at every wedding and the body at every wake.

 

Those with Antisocial PD, aka Sociopaths, show all the traits of a Narcissist with some added features such as pathological lying, poor behavioral control, superficial emotions and criminality to name a few. These are the most toxic individuals and can be highly dangerous.

 

 

 

Thank you for all that information about the cluster - I did not know those combinations and I am glad that you provided them for more context. It's interesting what you said about not liking narcissists - as soon as I started seeing his confidence as over-confidence (while we were still dating and healthy in the relationship) I found them incredibly unattractive. I remember just shoving those feelings down (as we all do in relationships) and giving him the benefit of the doubt. After being with him for so long, I can spot over-confidence much more easily in people and find it more annoying than anything. Maybe you are great at spotting it because you have met a narcissist or two.

[John101]

I hate to say this but my brother is a Narcissist. Here is the best example:

 

 

He once dated a women who was a professional stand-up comedian who also was a member of a team writing jokes for Stephen Colbert. After they broke up a bunch of us were sitting around the table and one of the comments he made about here, and quite seriously, was "I am a better comedian than she is."

[guest569]

I was reading up on this lately, and one thing which struck me was that they may come across as arrogant but are very fragile inside. Because they have to be the best, have the best of everything, best car, best office.. think everyone is jealous of them, and they're jealous of everyone else. It's a strange thing, NPD - I think it would be very hard to diagnose as it's hard to tell if someone is just socially stunted or immature, if they actually have a disorder, or if they're just really mean. Apparently with NPD they don't mean to be rude or say the wrong thing. Diagnoses are tricky but it's the behaviour and the label that can help us analyse the situation I guess. I believe I know someone with NPD and it is VERY difficult. I would never ever choose to stay in a relationship with one as it is draining and detrimental to my health.

[stillafool]

To me this just sounds like a cocky, outgoing young man who is liked for his personality by many. It seems that every time a guy breaks up with a girl he is then labeled a narcissist. So what if he is, you're broken up and should be glad it's over if he was that horrible to you. Not worth anymore of your mind space.

[sunflower24]

I have a question for you: Did you find that your ex would say really mean things and feel no remorse? I feel like this is a narcissistic trait. None of my previous exes ever got as nasty as he did. Honestly, I was going to list a few things as examples but it is still too painful and fresh and should not even be repeated. They would also come out of no where - for example if he just ASSUMED I was out with another guy I'd get a string of texts about how much of a whore I was and how he was going to block me and never talk to me again just to take it back the next day. It was always a rollercoaster with him.

 

It's so weird that even after all of this, I still miss him. I think about all the awful things that he said to me and get extremely mad and upset, and yet, I still miss having him around. I hate it! I hope you are in a better place than I am. Thank you so much for your comment and support.

 

Hey! Reading of your specific experience has been fascinating to me, as well. There is definitely a spectrum and varying degrees of narcissistic traits, and I feel like our situations exemplify that well. My parents (and my sister, and all of my friends...yikes) did not really care for my ex either. Again, he had no idea how to adapt his behavior when it came to socializing with individuals who were not like-minded to him (aka whose lives did not revolve around superficialities). When it came to my friends and people he did not know well, he always had to put on a "show" and try to impress them with his knowledge, drunken stories, etc. He thought he was the sh*t. In all honestly, it was embarrassing.

 

My ex actually would love-bomb me when it came to telling me that he loved me; he would just never tell me why he loved me. In our 2.5 years together, the only compliments I received from him were physical or very vague and non-personal, such as "sweet," "cute," and "sexy." The closest I would get to a "why" was purely egotistical: he liked the compliments I gave him, the way I looked at him, the fact that I laughed at his jokes and always listened to him, etc. Essentially he loved that I boosted his ego and made him feel good about himself.

 

I honestly have no idea if he felt remorse for the mean things he would say; however, he truly lacked empathy. He could never understand why I felt sad or angry or upset; he lacked the ability to relate and connect with me on those emotional levels. On a few occasions when I did get angry with him (which was rare; I am laid-back and extremely non-confrontational and compliant...probably why our relationship lasted so long), he laughed in my face and treated me as though he could care less how upset I was. Strangely enough, though, there was a time when he got very verbally nasty and told me to pack up and leave, and then some time later (I had fallen asleep) he came to me hysterically crying, saying that he didn't mean it, he loved me, etc.

 

There is so much more I could write on him, but I should probably stop for now. In all, our communication was extremely poor and our conversations were very non-productive. He lacked the ability to see from my point-of-view on any given issue, and we had the same arguments over and over again because he never truly listened to me and therefore failed to adjust his behavior. At night, I would actually wait until he fell sleep beside me and then take to writing my feelings out in my phone, because that was more productive than actually talking to him. It was sad. I didn't realize our relationship was toxic until the end, but I'm glad I know now.

 

I'm sorry you are not in a great place yet, but you will get there eventually, I promise!

[sunflower24]

 

I have also thought to myself about how ridiculous it would be to get a narcissist to go to therapy and seek help. I feel like a common trait of the disorder is always believing you are in the right and not thinking there is anything wrong. The whole point of the disorder is thinking highly of yourself, so how on earth can we expect actual narcissists to want to go to therapy?

 

My ex thinks therapy is a joke, and I'm sure most narcissists or those who display tendencies do as well.

 

Also just want to add that this is spot on. During our last conversation preceding our breakup, I mentioned to my ex that maybe he should seek a professional for emotional issues he incurred during his childhood (he dealt with a lot of family dysfunction; is extremely insecure deep down, and my theory as to why he may be narcissistic, but that's another story), and I was met with absolute rage and fury. How DARE I suggest something of the sorts; it was so "f*cked up" of me. So, you are absolutely right. I, too, understand that NPD is strictly diagnosable by professionals, as it should be. But the expectation that narcissists would ever actually seek out therapy in the first place is ludicrous in my mind.

Edited April 16, 2019 by sunflower24

[bluesunflower]

I hate to say this but my brother is a Narcissist. Here is the best example:

 

 

He once dated a women who was a professional stand-up comedian who also was a member of a team writing jokes for Stephen Colbert. After they broke up a bunch of us were sitting around the table and one of the comments he made about here, and quite seriously, was "I am a better comedian than she is."

 

Sounds like your brother and my ex would be great friends That is absolutely ridiculous though. To be fair, it is actually pretty funny. Just not in the way he expected!