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Broke it off yesterday, he is texting me today?


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Old 8th December 2018, 4:29 PM   #1
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Broke it off yesterday, he is texting me today?

I've been seeing a guy for 2 1/2 months but 2 weeks ago he became very distant. During an intimate moment that triggered him, he told me he had been abused as a child. We went on to have a lovely weekend but after this I stopped hearing from him. When I asked if he was ok, he said he was having a hard time right now & went quiet again. He also stopped being proactive with meeting up & I thought I was about to be ghosted/resolved to break it off as I felt so disconnected from him.

Last night I did break it off even though we had an amazing date. Drinking, dancing, romance We met at 8pm and crawled home at 6am! Half way through the date I raised the issue & he said I was the first person he had told about the abuse (outside his therapist) and he needed time to cope with the fact he had told me. But he was very ambivalent about 'us' in general: saying he would like to keep dating me 'for now' & that if I wanted to be friends he would understand. This ambivalence pushed me over the edge and I ended it, saying 'If you can't be bothered there's no point in continuing' - he responded 'I feel the opposite of not bothered. I feel like I'm too bothered. I care about you.' He actually threw up when I ended it, which was pretty shocking, and I didn't expect it. He said part of his distant behaviour was down to a fear of rejection but come on...we've been dating almost 3 months.

He made sure I got home safely and has contacted me multiple times today (more than normal) - he had said he realised I must feel 'neglected' lately when I said he doesn't call. Is he trying to 'appeal' my decision or show me that he can be attentive to reverse my decision? Its a little confusing. The thing is he is obviously having a very hard time and needs to focus on himself. The truth is I do love and care about him, and I want him to get better.

Last edited by Lovezen_30; 8th December 2018 at 4:32 PM..
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Old 8th December 2018, 4:43 PM   #2
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I really feel like you're being a bit selfish here. This man just opened up his heart to you the least you can do is give him the time that he needs to heal. He just revealed some intimate details to you that he hasn't told anyone else. Try not to take any of this personal, this man has and is going through a lot. I think it's a good idea for you two to just be friends at moment because obviously he's not ready for a dating relationship. Again he needs more time.
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Old 8th December 2018, 4:53 PM   #3
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I really feel like you're being a bit selfish here. This man just opened up his heart to you the least you can do is give him the time that he needs to heal. He just revealed some intimate details to you that he hasn't told anyone else. Try not to take any of this personal, this man has and is going through a lot. I think it's a good idea for you two to just be friends at moment because obviously he's not ready for a dating relationship. Again he needs more time.
I don't accept that I've been selfish - I've been there for him patiently talking things through on multiple occasions. Also part of the reason I broke it off IS so he can focus on himself and not a relationship. No, I don't take it personally really. Maybe I seemed selfish with some things I said, I'm just hurt as I developed feelings for him and we have been intimate. I was upset and struggling to end i too.

I felt awful for him, to see him hurting. I'm just a little concerned he's been in frequent contact today because he's trying to prove he CAN make an effort romantically...
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Old 8th December 2018, 4:56 PM   #4
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He just sounds kind of dysfunctional. It's possible he's one of those people who self-sabotages because he doesn't feel worthy.
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Old 8th December 2018, 5:05 PM   #5
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He just sounds kind of dysfunctional. It's possible he's one of those people who self-sabotages because he doesn't feel worthy.
I think an important thing to mention is that the abuse scenario had been a repressed memory until this March. So he's dealing with all that emotionally - then he meets me and it is obviously a very close, intimate connection right off the bat. I think he's a little overwhelmed but clearly very happy when we are together.

Last night was perfect: we spent 9 hours going between cocktail bars, slow dancing & watching the autumn leaves falling in the park. It makes me feel sad that it seems all for nothing - but telling me he was uncertain about us was hurtful and I felt I had to put myself first.
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Old 8th December 2018, 5:11 PM   #6
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Well, if he's just now remembering, it's something he should deal with. If you feel you just can't go forward with things as they are, then tell him to take some time to deal with all that. Find some way to leave the door open, though, since you enjoy doing things with him.
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Old 8th December 2018, 5:24 PM   #7
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Well, if he's just now remembering, it's something he should deal with. If you feel you just can't go forward with things as they are, then tell him to take some time to deal with all that. Find some way to leave the door open, though, since you enjoy doing things with him.
Well - we did mention meeting for a tea/coffee next week. I'd like to because I enjoy spending time with him & I also I feel I am able to be supportive right now/he does the same for me. The only thing is we've been having an intimate relationship and it will be strange/maybe feel a bit sad to stop all the intimacy suddenly.
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Old 8th December 2018, 5:29 PM   #8
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I really feel like you're being a bit selfish here. This man just opened up his heart to you the least you can do is give him the time that he needs to heal. He just revealed some intimate details to you that he hasn't told anyone else. Try not to take any of this personal, this man has and is going through a lot. I think it's a good idea for you two to just be friends at moment because obviously he's not ready for a dating relationship. Again he needs more time.
I agree. If you do "love" him and "care" about him like you say you do, you wouldn't break up with him because you feel neglected while he's being distant. It's not like he's actually trying to ghost you, or he has no interest in you. He even explained that he's TOO interested in you, he CARES about you deeply. He told you about his wounds.. and then you just end things with him because of your own feelings.

From his reaction it seems he wants to be with you. Come on.. there are meant to be obstacles in every relationship. You heard of that saying about how if you're not there at his worst, then you don't deserve his best
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Old 8th December 2018, 5:41 PM   #9
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I agree. If you do "love" him and "care" about him like you say you do, you wouldn't break up with him because you feel neglected while he's being distant. It's not like he's actually trying to ghost you, or he has no interest in you. He even explained that he's TOO interested in you, he CARES about you deeply. He told you about his wounds.. and then you just end things with him because of your own feelings.

From his reaction it seems he wants to be with you. Come on.. there are meant to be obstacles in every relationship. You heard of that saying about how if you're not there at his worst, then you don't deserve his best
Kelliousme, thanks for your reply. In the past my counsellor & yoga teacher both told me I give too much to people who don't always give back. Because of that, I am now conscious of looking after myself too.

I have not had the best year with my own mental health & for whatever reason those 2 weeks he spent distancing himself caused me a lot of anxiety. By this I mean I was experiencing insomnia & a diminished appetite. I don't think I would cope well with a cycle of intimacy/distancing.

Although he said he cared too much...he was ALSO quick to say we could just be friends. Regardless of his current problems - is it wrong to want someone who will fight to be with me? That said, maybe he has decided he will, hence all the contact today. I would love to be there for him, but I am not sure if I can be and uphold my own mental health too.

Last edited by Lovezen_30; 8th December 2018 at 5:43 PM..
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Old 8th December 2018, 6:07 PM   #10
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Well - we did mention meeting for a tea/coffee next week. I'd like to because I enjoy spending time with him & I also I feel I am able to be supportive right now/he does the same for me. The only thing is we've been having an intimate relationship and it will be strange/maybe feel a bit sad to stop all the intimacy suddenly.
Well, you had momentum and then it came to a halt, and I guess that abuse is why. So I guess you do either need to accept taking a step backwards and putting the gear into low, or if you can't do that, then don't. I mean, who knows how long this will be that he's distracted by it. But hopefully it won't consume him...
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Old 9th December 2018, 6:16 AM   #11
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He made sure I got home safely and has contacted me multiple times today (more than normal) - he had said he realised I must feel 'neglected' lately when I said he doesn't call. Is he trying to 'appeal' my decision or show me that he can be attentive to reverse my decision? Its a little confusing. The thing is he is obviously having a very hard time and needs to focus on himself. The truth is I do love and care about him, and I want him to get better.
Probably.

But are you considering doing so? I think it's going to be hard to come back from this, simply because I suspect the pain of suddenly breaking up is going to bother him in the future and affect what you two might have going forward.

Meaning, if you did reconcile and he put in more effort, I predict he won't easily move on from being dumped once already and it will likely come up as a sore point that further drives a wedge between you two.
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Old 9th December 2018, 4:20 PM   #12
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saw him again today and I feel pretty broken up about it. We are actually in the same theatre group and had rehearsals. One of the cast members asked if there was something going on because of the way we were looking at each other. He avoided the Q.

Afterwards, during our walk to the station we talked and what he said really hurt. He said that just recently (and I kid you not, he says since he told me about the abuse) he has felt more comfortable with me than romantic. In shock, i say wtf, what about Friday? He held my hand all night, made out for hours and we slow danced. Honestly this night was so romantic it devastated me to hear him say that. Then he tried to back-track, saying 'well no its more about the fact I'm in a bad place and not about you at all.' He also said he can't have a physical relationship right now. But yes this really hurt as he is the first person I have been vulnerable with physically/emotionally since the big break up.

we then expressed what a lovely time we've had together and he asked if we can be friends as he doesn't want to lose me. Then he asked if i want to meet next week. Honestly I still want to have him in my life but feel i may need space first. One thing he said that made me feel good though: "Can I just say, you were very impressive when you told me what you wanted and needed and that you'd have to leave if I couldn't step up.' He then went on to say he literally wasn't capable right now of stepping up but that he admired me for asserting my boundaries.

Right now, this sucks. When we hugged goodbye, he held onto me for several minutes and held my hand. On the one hand I don't want to lose him, but I am feeling sore right now.
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