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He broke up with me and he wants to be friends...I said no and now he's emailed me!


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leftmyheartinsf

Okay, any advice on this one would be most appreciated. I dated him long-distance for over a year and since the beginning, to his credit, he said he wasn't looking to get married...he wasn't looking for that kind of relationship...BUT he said, how was he to know it wouldn't turn out that way...after all you need time to figure these things out. It sounded okay to me since dating long-distance can be so hard and I might discover he wasn't for me, but the bottom line for me was finding out how we felt about each other.

 

Over time we came to find that we loved being together, loved being in the company of one another, were very attracted to each other and got along well...but he continued to express uncertainty about a future and what that might be. I realized I loved him and felt like he loved me and we finally expressed that to each other after a year of dating...he said it first - knowing of his confusion made me very careful about making any demands but I was always upfront about my wanting a relationship in my life that was marriage material. Shortly thereafter, I realized that if this were to continue, we'd have to make some decisions...we'd always talked about our situation and marriage/kids but after a year it seemed time to decide if it was going to continue to go forward or not.

 

He kept continuing with his I don't knows and I finally said I had to move on. It was so unbelievably painful but I knew no self-respecting woman would continue in a situation like this. Immediately after we broke up, less than 24 hrs. mind you, he was calling and saying that breaking up didn't feel right but he still wasn't sure...I'm 4 years older than he is and although I NEVER asked for a ring or pushed him in ANY way toward that he said he felt like he couldn't continue asking for my time. He was afraid that if another year down the road he still wasn't sure about his readiness for marriage, that I'd feel like I'd wasted my time with him and not be any closer to getting what I want. He cried over our breakup and kept the psuedo-breakup going for another 2 months...calling and talking things out.

 

When we'd finally decided we were going to make it work, he balked again. I left. We both cried...a lot...and now he wants to be friends and says he can't imagine my not being in his life. I told him it didn't really work that way,...and maybe someday, but not now...and asked him not to call me. He said then that he'd leave it up to me to call but asked me to know he'd be thinking of me and would want to talk as often as I wanted to.

 

That was a week ago and now I'm going on vacation and he emailed me today...hoping I have fun on my trip "sweetie" and told me he's thinking of me. I FLIPPIN' KNEW HE'D DO THIS. It's crazy...I've tried so hard to be as open and honest and forthcoming as I possibly can...but I don't know if I should write back....just a simple thank you, hope you're well, too. Anyone??? I've cried my eyes out everyday for the last 2 months over this...and I know he loves me...but WTF. If I ignore him, he'll go out of his mind and it will hurt...and part of me wants him to hurt...especially if it helps him figure out he can't live without me...and if I write back, I'm giving him the satisfaction of my response...and I'm also being adult. help?

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It sounds like it could go in circles forever. If you want to give him another chance (if that is what he's looking for), then reply. If you want to move on, ignore it. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

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leftmyheartinsf

If the history is any indication, then yes, I think you're right...and I don't want the same thing to continue. When I broke up with him I sent him a letter and the last thing I said was that if he ever decided he wanted a life that included me and he believed in it, then maybe he'd let me know. Aside from that I told him not to call because I feared this sort of thing. But the truth is that I DON'T want it to be over...I love him...but I don't want any part of his indecision. So, I guess I fear that if I don't write back, I'm closing the door. But I'm not, he did...and I already told him what I wanted. UGH!!!!!

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You can maybe suggest that you just do the friends thing for awhile and see how it pans out. ie. You don't want any talk of emotions until BOTH of you are sure one way or the other.

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Sal Paradise

Put him on block and get a new email addy he doesn't know about.

 

Problem solved.

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leftmyheartinsf

Thanks, Zaira. I'll keep thinking it through. My best friend thinks I should respond although very short and simple. Another told me not to respond at all. This is so hard. Sometimes it's said when you don't have an answer, you don't do anything at all...but I feel like I need divine intervention...like I'd like a hand from above to guide me down the right path.

 

Sal, your suggestion seems a little harsh (changing my email)...he's not a stalker...but thank you for the effort. ;)

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leftmyheartinsf

(westernxer Ever heard of the delete button?)

 

Sorry if I'm a little slow, I'm new to this site...do you mean "delete" him?

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leftmyheartinsf

I know, you're right...I can...but I don't want to just yet. He never cheated or lied or did anything not morally right that would make this an easy choice. In the midst of his "confusion" he hurt me and he knows it. But I said if he ever figured it out, he could let me know. He's certainly not figured it out and/but wants to make sure I'm still in his life...we really had something and he knows it. I guess I could just not respond and see what happens then. The only thing I want is for him to figure it out one way or the other...but him figuring out that he doesn't want to lose me is what I want most...but he hasn't said that...yet?...I'm clearly hoping he will...maybe I should just not respond since I said I can't be friends right now...he's a good guy...if I were over this, I'd be friends with him in a minute...but I'm not over it.

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Originally posted by westernxer

You'll never be over him if you resort to being just friends...

 

So true. You can be friends later if you decide you still want it. You'll be amazed after having some time apart the stuff you'll see about the relationship that you never saw before while in it. We are blinded by our emotions and love for someone, so I really think its in your best interest to cut him off completely and let him decide once and for all what he wants. Thats what I am doing! And trust me, hindsight is 20/20. Think about that for a few.

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I am almost in your exact situation! Long distance bf for a year and we just broke up bc he was not sure if he had dated enough to know if i was the one and if he was not positive then maybe I am not. (but I never pushed for marriage..always thought we would grow into it if it was meant to be) I told him we could not be friends, but he said the same thing as your ex that he could not bear to think of not having me in his life etc. Since then he will im me a few times a week... its sooooo hard when his ims pop up and he tells me how upset he is....i have done my best to ignore them. Yes he is telling me how upset he is, but none of those words really say I'm sorry I made a mistake lets get back together.... I think in situations like this you really need to try to read between the lines. I also told my ex that if he wanted me back he knows where to find me. Sorry you are going through this it majorly sucks... How old are you guys btw?

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leftmyheartinsf

Thanks...you're so right...I really appreciate your replies. I spoke with another friend who said I shouldn't respond also....but not as a means to hurt him, but as a means to self-protect.

 

As for not getting over him if I resort to being just friends...I agree...certainly for the "right now." Unless he says he wants me back it's my obligation to myself to move on and not get tripped up by anything less.

 

One friend said that if I don't respond then he'll take that to mean I don't want to be friends and he'll move on thinking I don't want him in my life...but I think that's a little twisted...anyone? It's a twisted way to look at this...I DON'T want him in my life right now BECAUSE I need to move on - I'm not going to settle for less than I want and deserve. And I guess if he were to move on and forget me then he wouldn't be worth it anyway. Does anyone agree that if it's truly meant to be then it will? That somehow it'll manage to work out if it's meant to?

 

J Dub, true...we can be friends later on if I decide I still want that.

 

The tough thing about this is that when his last girlfriend broke up with him (they'd been together 5 or 6 yrs.) she cut him out completely and wouldn't talk to him anymore...she met someone else and wouldn't take his calls or write back. He was really messed up from that and said he felt like she died...and I could tell he's hoping this won't be the same. It sounded like what she did was a little cruel and so I don't want to recreate that for him...but I know I have to take care of myself...

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You can't worry about how he dealt with his last break up. Its not your fault and I am sure the circumstances are different. His confusion is just tearing away at you and I think a friendship at this time with him will be too hurtful for you. I know that it is for me... I dated the sweetest, loving, and caring guy.. he truly is a good person, but he is confused about what he wants for his future. We took a break around Thanksgiving and remained friends and it was torture. We got back together, but the whole time we were broken up was very hurtful and intense. I can't stomach it this go round. I also hope he figures it all out bc I love him very much, but at the same time I cant let his confusion tear me apart.

 

I have also had friends give me the exact same advice as yours some saying "leave him alone" others saying "well if you dont call him he may think u have closed the door" You have to keep in mind that your ex closed the door first not you. That is how I am looking at it. I can no longer baby my ex bf so I have to show him what its like to not have me in his life at all. I am also trying my hardest to move on bc I still have this notion that if its meant to be he will come around and if not then I will at least have saved myself the pain of being drug through the mud. Best of Luck to you...

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Originally posted by miriam

others saying "well if you dont call him he may think u have closed the door" You have to keep in mind that your ex closed the door first not you. That is how I am looking at it. I can no longer baby my ex bf so I have to show him what its like to not have me in his life at all. I am also trying my hardest to move on bc I still have this notion that if its meant to be he will come around and if not then I will at least have saved myself the pain of being drug through the mud. Best of Luck to you...

 

YES YES YES YES!!! *yay* we can do this guys - just hang in there and focus on what you need to do for YOURSELF to be happy. A happy person is always so much more attractive than a depressed one. If they come back, you'll be a better person because you worked on yourself, thus being more attractive. See? You cant lose!!!!!

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leftmyheartinsf

Miriam, that's wild...it sounds so similar. I'm 35, he's 31. I feel like I have to take myself away from him and let him see how that feels to not have me at all. I did everything I could from the very beginning to be open-minded and just let it evolve. He seemed to want that but felt like he had one foot OUT of the relationship the whole time...he thinks that's totally untrue and says he feels like this is so hard because he DOES love me so much...he's only ever loved 2 other times...and one was his first love in high school, so that doesn't really count. He says he's just not ready and is really uncertain that this is the right choice, breaking up...but I can't take it anymore and know I have to do what's best for me.

 

It is so unbelievably painful...I don't want him to hurt either...I love him so much...and this is killing me...but I have to do it...YOU'RE SO RIGHT - HE CLOSED THE DOOR FIRST...he did...and I just have to let him find his way while I find mine.

 

How old are you and your ex?

 

JDub- true! If he does come back...we're both getting a stronger me. :) If he doesn't...I'm still getting a stronger me...I know I did everything I can to make it work - believe me.

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Originally posted by leftmyheartinsf

He says he's just not ready and is really uncertain that this is the right choice, breaking up...but I can't take it anymore and know I have to do what's best for me. ...If he does come back...we're both getting a stronger me. :) If he doesn't...I'm still getting a stronger me...I know I did everything I can to make it work - believe me.

 

I am in the same boat as you sister. Let him miss the living daylights out of you :bunny::love::laugh:

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You'll never be over him if you resort to being just friends...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would take westernxer's advise. If you want to move on then you can't stay friends unless it is years down the road....

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butterfly29

I'd hate to say this but not contacting him anymore is the only way out of this... We all know it's hard but... He sounds like he simply is afraid of commitment. Men like that are simply a waste of your time, everyone who'd gone through this, knows this. When you find the right person for yourself, that person will not leave you wondering if you're the right one for them. And there will be no question that they want to marry you. He will simply let you know.

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leftmyheartinsf

Thanks to all of you...I won't be responding to his short but sweet email. Hearing him call me sweetie and telling me he's thinking of me isn't the same thing as saying he wants to work it out...he knows how to reach me if that's what he has to say.

 

I'm going on vacation tomorrow and I can't wait!!!! It's just what I need.

 

Until then, thank you for your replies...they've been helpful and I appreciate them all!!! :)

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We are both 25 and coincidentaly were born a day apart :( I have dated a lot more than he has .. I'm only his 2nd serious girlfriend. I on the other hand dated a guy for 5 years, lived with a guy for a year and have had several short relationships. I truly thought that he was it.

 

JDub you are so right we have to keep looking for ways to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. That includes staying strong and fighting to not let our situations get the better of us! We deserve better.

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Check out this quote someone just emailed me (ironically they have no idea what I am going thru right now either):

 

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't

supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have

your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder

every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt

when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry

because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose

someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too

much, and love like you've never been hurt because every

sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll

never get back."

 

 

Hell yeah.

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butterfly29

Thanks J Dub, that was a great quote. Made me tearry-eyed.

 

I have to admit, I now want to email it to my ex, I want him to see it. Maybe he'll realize that he was actually blaming me for what his ex girlfriend did to him. And that he hurt me like she once hurt him in the past. Funny how little triggers like this make you want to break the NC. But I won't.

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leftmyheartinsf

So true, so true. Yeah, funny, I'd like for my guy to see that as well...but we all have our own lessons and it's not my job to be his teacher at my own expense.

When we broke up, I did send him a copy of something called "The Story of Life." It's pretty damn cool. You can google it on the web and find it. It's inspiring...and highly recommended. :)

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