Dealing with an ex that moved on quickly

[She broke my heart]

IÂ’m new here...just looking for a place to write my story. I have been a wreck over breaking up with my ex almost a year ago. I feel like that is way to long right? We were together for 1 year, and engaged. This is after I was unhappily married for over 14 years....so I was in deep with this woman. We ended up breaking up because my ex-wife relocated my kids 1,000 miles from me. So...I had to move so I could be near them (I love my kids more than anything on earth). Well this place that they moved to is where my ex-gf was from and hated it there. She had several legitimate reasons to not want to move, and slowly just pulled away from me. It broke my heart, but in a way I couldnÂ’t blame her.

 

About 5 months after we broke up I sent her a long text basically telling her how much I still love her and think about her. I never got a reply. That tore me up. I wasnÂ’t expecting her to say the same, but hoping for something to at least show that she cared for me at some point. After a couple of weeks I did a no-no. I stalked her Instagram. IÂ’m 39...so yes, I should know better, but I also donÂ’t have history of this kinda **** either. It was obvious that she was with someone else maybe a month after we broke up. Again, felt crushed, and it was like breaking up all over again.

 

Fast forward to a week ago. We broke up on Oct. 27th 2017...so as the date got closer and closer, I had the urge to text her again. This time though, I was a little angry. I told her how much I loved her and still love her and pointed out how it was obvious by the way she moved on so quickly that she never really felt for me the way I felt for her. Ok...i know. I was throwing a big pity party for myself. What was any of that gonna do? It wasnÂ’t gonna change the fact we werenÂ’t together. I was angry, but wasnÂ’t nasty. I am still so much in love with this woman after being apart that it hurts. I promised her that I wouldnÂ’t contact her again and that I would delete her number, which I did.

 

Then...I had my mind blown. She didnÂ’t respond, so I decided to check her Instagram to see if she blocked me. I made comments in my last message to her that made it obvious I had been checking in on her. Well, I hadnÂ’t been blocked....but I did see a post of her newborn baby with that guy, that was born in September....11 months after we broke up.

 

In a way things are easier, because I know for sure we will never be together again. I should have know by the non-return of my messages, but IÂ’m a fool and always held out some hope. IÂ’m hoping that writing about this helps. I donÂ’t talk to my friends about it because they will just trash her thinking it will make me feel better. But, it wouldnÂ’t. I really want her to be happy and hope that she doesnÂ’t have any regrets. IÂ’m just feeling completely hopeless. ItÂ’s been a ****ing year!!!

 

Ok, thanks for letting me vent a bit

[Simple Logic]

You left her, it has been a year, she has moved on, so should you.

[elaine567]

There is no "dealing" with an ex, she wants nothing to do with you and now has a new life... and a baby.

 

Leave her alone.

It is finished, do not contact her again.

Get on with living your own life, you only get one life, you need to make the best of it....

[ExpatInItaly]

In a way things are easier, because I know for sure we will never be together again. I should have know by the non-return of my messages, but IÂ’m a fool and always held out some hope. IÂ’m hoping that writing about this helps. I donÂ’t talk to my friends about it because they will just trash her thinking it will make me feel better. But, it wouldnÂ’t. I really want her to be happy and hope that she doesnÂ’t have any regrets. IÂ’m just feeling completely hopeless. ItÂ’s been a ****ing year!!

 

I think it's pretty safe to say that both of these wishes for her have come true. Given that she has not responded to you and that she has started a family with someone else, she likely is happy and does not have strong regrets about the past.

 

She has been busy with her new family and has moved on. It does hurt when an ex seems to move on quickly, or when you suspect there was some overlap between relationships, so I get why this stings, but perhaps you needed to learn all of this new information about her so that you can finally let go for good, too.

[d0nnivain]

It's highly unlikely this baby was planned. Fact is the baby exists. You love your children & moved 1,000 miles to be near them so you should take solace that you picked a woman with a strong maternal instinct.

 

Life, fate or something split you two apart. Translation: you weren't meant to be.

 

Stop focusing on her. Yes, you didn't break up because you were incompatible but the fact is you are still apart. She may forever be the one that got away but there is no going back. Your life is where your children are & she does not want to be there.

 

So take this as the last nail in the coffin of your doomed relationship. Use it as the reason to move forward in your new life in the location where you are.

[Gretchen12]

What were you looking for after the break up? There was no solution. You thought you could still be together? How??? You wanted her to compromise and move to you when she didn't want to? Not fair to her. You wanted her to wait for your kids to grow up and possibly they move away from their mother? Again, not fair.

 

You did what was best for yourself and you moved, don't blame you, it's expected you put your kids first. But you can't expect her to give up her own happiness. She'd have to move anytime anywhere your ex wife decides to take the kids. This woman is smart. She said no.

 

You were only together for a year. It's not like you're already married and been together for years, then maybe she can sacrifice if you needed to move for a job. What were you trying to do when you contacted her after the break up? To try to talk her into it? to wear her down so she makes the sacrifice you wanted? I don't understand what your plan was, if you had one. I do understand why she wouldn't reply. And it's not because she didn't love you.

[preraph]

I don't know where you live, but in the U.S., the law says no one can move your children farther than about 90 minutes away from you without you consenting to it as long as you share custody. So sounds like you made some mistakes there letting that happen. Maybe you live somewhere that doesn't have laws, but I doubt it.

 

So number one, if you agreed to letting her move the kids away, there's some reason you did that. Did you share custody or did she get custody because of some failing so you only got to see them if she agreed to it?

 

Because all that is going to matter to your ex-girlfriend. If you live in the US or other countries with the typical custody laws, then you let the wife move the kids and followed her and the kids instead of going to court, and that will be the inescapable perception of the girlfriend, that she was low priority. What did you expect her to do? If you have no right to the kids, then that's a strike against you in itself, although in that case I do get why you'd want to move. Of course, if you had no right to the kids, the logical thing to do would be to follow the program that the court lays out and regain your right to the kids, rather than cede custody entirely.

 

So unless there's a big chunk of this story missing, I can't see how the girlfriend could consider doing anything other than moving on.

 

Sorry you're feeling down, but you said your kids are the most important thing to you, so that should get you through it. I just feel you had lots of alternatives to solve this issue before it became an issue, that's all. Best of luck in the future.

[She broke my heart]

I feel like women commenting on men getting screwed in custody cases is like a white person commenting on racism. It’s a different world for you lady. I fought it the whole way. My ex-wife’s mother and sister were going to testify on my behalf, but the judge did not want to hear from them. The court appointed GAL or guardian ad litum recommended the the court deny the relocation. But the judge did not listen. In Washington state, the courts view is that the primary guardian will make the best choices for the children. My ex was the primary guardian because as a fireman, I could not have a 50/50 overnight schedule with my kids. Well...if I decided to wake them up at 4:30 in the morning on days that I worked and drag them to their moms...then yes, I could have made that work. I understand why the divorce and custody laws are so one sided. When these laws were created women were at a huge disadvantage and there were tons of dirt bags that left there families high and dry. I was told that the law you referred to was taken to the Supreme Court and it was ruled unconstitutional because it restricted the freedom to move where you want too. I do want to thank you for this reply....it turned my sadness into anger if at least only briefly while making this reply...but I will take what I can get I guess?.

[preraph]

Well, if you're not willing to sacrifice like a woman does to be with her kids, then that's the issue. I understand it's hard to do that and work -- but women do it all the time and for less money.

 

So I think you just have to look upon this as moving there and losing a relationship was your way of sacrificing for your children. Whether it was the best way, I don't know.