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My soul hurts....


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:(

I'm divorced (13 years), ended a long term relationship (2 years) and just 2 months ago, the love of my life abandoned me and broke me....

we had so many outside issues to deal with from her family hating me and basically making her decide between me or them..she is a single mother of 2 girls and her ex-husband just killed himself a year ago. I had addiction problems which ended things the first time. we actually lived together (her 2 girls and my 2 girls). it was a disaster but circumstances were impossible. I was out of work and we had dire money problems..

after I moved out 2 years ago, I made major life changes. I spent the past 2 full years on and off with her trying to regain her trust and unconditional love. We truly love each other deeply. she made me a better person, straight up..I suffer severe depression and her simple smile made my day...I would drive to her office for 5 minutes just for some kisses...she truly was my inspiration and angel..

she had ended things a few times before, because of her mixed feelings about our long term prospects. But, love always won out...I always believed LOVE was the most powerful force in this universe and would find a way tp conquer.

Needless to say, we have been in total No Contact for.2 months. No happy birthday text from her. I have reached out to her countless of times. I feel so disrespected by the mere fact that she couldn't even reply to ask me how I was...I know she is dating and I am petrified she will find someone else that she falls in love with...That will break me beyond repair and I am afraid for myself...we live in the same town and passing her apartment always makes me sick...Her thoughts consume me to the point where I lost 2 jobs already....

I have zero urge to date. I use dating sites to build up my self esteem, but then chicken out in the end, for the most part. I want to cling on to hope so bad, but HOPE IS DEADLY sometimes....I have no friends anymore since my divorce and nobody to even hang out with...The loneliness is crippling, especially on the weekends. It is not fair that I am suffering so bad and grieving so bad while she is probably rebounding and experiencing the 'honeymoon' phase. She never had to grieve like I did. I pray for her to come back to me every night..I sent the universe signals to help me...Nothing has helped. Not drugs, therapy, working out, etc....My kids are the only reason I am alive frankly....PLEASE GIVE ME HOPE for better days...To slay the demons of negativity that suffocate me daily....

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You said it, your kids. Try an make them your focus. You are a very important part of their life and I’m sure very important part of yours.

 

Of course we all dwell on the past and wish the future to be exactly as we imagine but we don’t know what will happen making us feel terrible.

 

You need to have alone time and enjoy it. So you do need to focus on an activity. I know you said you tried and it failed but it only failed because you gave up. Stick with it. Make it a routine. As you mentioned exercise that’s a really good one. You can workout 4/5 days a week. And once you focus on that then other things fall into place. Like you will then focus on healthy eating to go along with the exercise. Etc. All this consuming you time for good and yourself.

 

So don’t give up on yourself. Now is a perfect time to enjoy you.

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MountainGirl111

So very very sorry for your sadness. I don't want to give any false hope here....but believe it or not, I've been where you are in the hope department...

 

I wouldn't describe hope as "deadly", but if hope is dashed to smithereens, well, it feels like a sword sort of came down on you like it was meant to behead you or something. Now, I'm quite sure no one has ever wished that for you or I....hope doesn't have to be deadly. I can't tell you how many times I've had my hope dashed. I have to believe that when one door is slammed shut on you, (maybe even slammed shut with your finger caught in it)there may be a little window open over across the way or something...can you find that window? I can. Your kids. You.

 

When someone becomes a parent, it ADDS a wonderful DIMENSION to your life in the form of parental love...., unconditional love. When we are brought into the world it is the parents we bond with the most....and when we depart from this world it is the kids and loved ones people often think about and try to comfort the most....NOT so much a romantic partner.

 

There is romantic love, parental love, and agape love. It's my personal belief the most ABIDING type of love is agape love. Maybe study/meditate up on the difference between these kinds of love and realize, hon that we all feel beheaded from time to time. Your desperate cry for help touched my heart today....not unlike a desperate cry for help someone sent out to me late last night. I can't turn my back on that. It's okay to cry out...to be vulnerable...to reach out.

 

YES.....what an awesome inspiration kids are to their parents and never second guess for a minute that they DON'T need you.....

Edited by MountainGirl111
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