Lost a love of a life time, help regain life and love...

[LostWithOutHer]

Two weeks ago I lost my soulmate, confidant and bestfriend. She told me that she didn't love me like she used to and that she couldn't she us being married anymore. But under these circumstance I beleive shes confused and mixed up in her feelings.

 

I thought our relationship was great, it had been 4 years strong, we talked of marriage, both felt ready except fiancially, she was going back to school and I'm not sure what I'm doing. This past 7 month's we've been out of work, and although we don't live together, we spent alot of time together, too much I now realise.

 

She had recently moved from the east coast to the west coast in search of good employment till this fall, she will then begin a degree in school. We hadn't been able to talk as much, with the time difference and work. Since shes been up there we talked about marriage and our future. And when my plans down here didn't work out I was supposed to going up to join her after visiting with my family who was coming home for holidays. But three weeks after she left, about a month before I was suppposed to go up, she calls me and tells me it's over. Totally oblivously to me she tells me that she has felt like this awhile. I soon find out that there is another guy in the picture that has been persuing her, again I was oblivious. He is a very well off sort, ahs his own house and a great job, an all around great catch. Since we've been offically over he's been doing everything right, sending her flowers, lots of great little dates. Plus she had a couple of dates with him in high school about 6 years ago.

 

She says shes happy, but my theory is while she was up there, in a new place, an area of a bit more wealth and lots of single guys, show interested in by an old boyfriend, after kinda getting bored of me ( I'll admit I didn't do the best job of keeping her relationship needs meet) and starting a new job and preparing for school. I also think here brother had a hand in it. Is it possible that it's a... confused about old feelings and new feeling thing? a get out see other people to understand our realtionship thing? is it possible that its just those things and she still love me? (which she says she do, she still want to be my best friend, a best friend who she'd put before har boyfriend) could she just be in denial? She told me that we'd never be together again, but isn't that easy to say in the early stages of a relationship? While your being swooned by a "prince charming"?

 

I want her back, I've realised my mistakes, I shouldn't have let her go without a ring on her finger, but it's too late for that. I realise now how much I love her, and I'd never make those mistakes again, with her or someone else. So what do I do now? I'm still go up there, its my origanl plan, I have to still live my life, and I know if there is ever going to be a possibility of us getting back together I have to be there, close by.

 

So what do I do? what do the females think of my chances? Do I trust what people are saying? Some are saying it'll work out us together, but a few are saying move on. I so lost.

[dresden]

I know you are in a lot of pain right now. I have been there and I know how it eats you up inside. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I think you should stop getting details about the new guy. That's just going to kill you inside.

 

You admit you've made mistakes in your relationship. She is happy with the new guy. Maybe this is a time where you learn from your mistakes, move on and do better next time. There's lots of fish out there in the ocean.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[Drivetildriven]

Move on and date other people, while maintaining a small hope in the back of your mind that she'll come around. I know for me it made it a little easier to see other girls, thinking there is a chance she'll come back. Maybe in the process I'll meet someone better and forget about her and so will you. Also, no one can say how they're going to think or feel for the rest of their life, or even three months from now. What she's feeling now might now be true later down the road. Just make yourself a better more attractive person, for yourself, for her, and for other girls.

[Marshbear]

Someone who truly loved you would not fall out of love and met a new b/f just because they moved away to pursue a new job. I think she took this opportunity to break off what was already over. I would just learn to live without her, because, do you really have a choice? Find someone who truly loves you and wants to stay and get married....

[Fallen_Angel]

I totally agree with Marshbear. I'm coming out of a vaguely similar situation, although my ex hardly ever brought up marriage (so in retrospect, this could be a good thing for me!).

 

You deserve a girl who will love you 100%. Why should you settle for someone who can't fully return your feelings? Furthermore, NEVER, EVER, EVER allow yourself to be some girl's backup plan. Trust me, I know it's tempting, but doesn't it also hurt your pride that she doesn't see you as number one, that you're some sort of runner up? There's a girl out there somewhere who will think you're the absolute best and won't put you through this bs.

 

A few people told me as well to hang onto hope. Well, it's been three and a half months, and my ex is as stubborn as they come. Once he's made up his mind, he sticks to his guns, no matter how much he ends up regretting his decision. I'm not waiting around for him.

 

Is it possible that it's a... confused about old feelings and new feeling thing? a get out see other people to understand our realtionship thing? is it possible that its just those things and she still love me? (which she says she do, she still want to be my best friend, a best friend who she'd put before har boyfriend) could she just be in denial? She told me that we'd never be together again...

 

Again, I was fed basically the same lines. There's no way she's going to be able to put you before a current bf and expect the guy to understand. From what I gather, guys can be a bit territorial.

 

It's great to get different perspectives on the situation, but the bottom line is you have to move yourself forward. Alas, it won't happen overnight. You're going to falter before things get better, but you have to BELIEVE good things lie ahead. Best of luck to you.

[LostWithOutHer]

But the problem is I don't want feel like this but I don't want move on. I want to be happy, I guess, I can't see myself happy with out her. I know I'm making all the classic mistakes, if one of my buddies were in this situation I'd kick him in a$$ an tell him to move on, but I think this time it's different.

 

Too many coincidences, to weird for her to do this. I can't let her go yet, and I don't want to crowd her, let her make her own decisions. But at the same time, this guys is going to try to make her as happy as he can, I'm afraid she'll forget about me. In an even test I think she'd pick me over him, I know that sounds so stupid. I'm afraid shes made a mistake and that this God's will or fate but she's made a mistake. I really losing it.

 

So how many think that a relationship like this can go back to being a good relationship after a breakup like this, is it possible for her feelings to return?

[dresden]

Listen Lost, you might get lucky and she will miss you after a while. But more likely she is moving on in her life. I know you want to think she is making a mistake, but what she is making is a Choice. That hurts, that she is choosing someone else now. But you have to back off or you'll be a bad memory to her.

 

Get out of your head for a bit. Go on a vacation or even just a daytrip with a friend. Start doing something you always wanted to do that she hated, like fishing or salsa dancing or dressing up like a hobbit. Whatever.

 

Write her a note saying that you loved her and will always be her friend. Then No Contact. You have to be strong. If she changes her mind, she knows how to get in touch with you.

 

Take care of your Self.

[LostWithOutHer]

So what do I do to increase my chances? do I do like I said and leave her alone? she still wants to be "best"friends, so that means stay in contact right? or do I leave her totally alone? What if she tries to contact me? If I ignore her she be upset because she would want this to come between us. It all makes no sense to me still.

 

Everybody seems so negative about us getting back together, would it be that bad for me to take her back? Is it that unlikely for it to happen?

 

I don't totally blame myself, we both ruined it. We were both unemployed and receiving unemployment from the government and living at home with our parents. This past winter was spent 3 days at my parents and 3 days at hers and one apart. We fought a little, not alot, her mom thought we did but we both agreed we spent too much time together. I think we sorta got complacent and... I don't know, never drifted apart but got use to each other, nothing was special. But last winter when I was working with the local ambulance service and I worked 7 on call days straight and we hardly ever saw each other for those 7 days, my days off were awesome, and the night before I'd go back on call it'd be that hard, I'd go to leave and we'd send 30 mins in her porch or outside by my car in each others arms, not wanting to let go. We'd both say that we were making that mistake, and she sorta agreed with me the night she broke up with me, but she was too stubborn to wait and see what it'd be like up there with both of us working, and plus this other guy. So isn't it possible to have real feelings come back if thats the biggest reason she split?

 

I not just making excuses this is all real, and the biggest reason I hang on to the hope.

[EC]

I dont want to sound mean but imho here goes:

 

I think you should leave her alone. She was broke, bored and miserable and then she's giving you up for the first guy with money and security that hits on her. If thats all it took for her to leave you why do you want her back?

 

I say get your stuff together and do it for YOU and not for her. I know it hurts, and it sucks,but the faster you realize your better off without her, the faster you can be happy again.

[LostWithOutHer]

How does my situation seem so negative to people? why is everybody so sure it'll never work or I should move on? It's been two weeks, I feel like I love her more now then ever and I know I want her back like nothing more in the world. What do I do?

[Curtfromafar]

Thing is,

 

It's not that it sounds negative. It's just the way these things go sometimes. She left you, and you need to realize that it may have been for the best for you.

 

Whatever we may say (right or wrong) about the reasons that she left, the fact is, I believe the best thing ANY man can do in a situation like this is to move on and try to make the best life he can for himself.

 

I know that you must feel as though your world is exploding before your very eyes, but sometimes, the best we can do is get ourselves together, and move forward to make a new life for ourselves.

 

Only when you are able to throw down that which meant so much to you, will you be able to move on to find love and inner peace equal or greater than what you have now.

 

There are many great women about. Concentrate on attracting love equal to that which you are willing to give.

 

All my best.

 

Curt

[LostWithOutHer]

I know I'm grasping at straws, but what if? what if she is just confused? what if me going out and moving on makes her believe that it was for the better, when actually she was never sure? (she is very stubborn and headstrong girl) I'd never be able to live with myself if I found out I messed it up or looked back on it and realised I could have done it differently.

 

And this thing about her returning the love or finding someone else who does, only a month ago, a week before she broke it off, everything was perfect, I thought that nothing could go wrong, she loved me amazingly, I felt that we couldn't live without each other.

 

Doesn't anyone believe my theroy? does anyone believe in true love mends all? does anyone believe in Fairy Tales?

[J dub]

Originally posted by LostWithOutHer

does anyone believe in true love mends all? does anyone believe in Fairy Tales?

 

I'll believe it when I see it. So far, my life hasnt quite been the fairy tale...except for maybe the villians of course.

[butterfly29]

Dear lost,

 

Here is my advice to you. Go back to the beginning of this forum and read other people's posts that sound similiar to yours, where just like you they have lost someone and feel lost and don't know what to do. There will be plenty, believe me. Go do a google search on "lost love" "how get over her/him" "going through love withdrawal" etc. You will find thousands of similiar stories and thousands of similiar responces. Thousands of people feeling similiar kind of pain as you do. You'll be amazed how much wisdom you'll find in some of the things people have to say, and it could help you out a lot. Do a search on Sex and love addiction or just love addiction and read about it. See if it applies to you or your situation. In fact, here is a site for you,

 

http://www.slaafws.org

 

This may not be for you and you might even take it as an insult, trust me that is not my intention.

 

By the way you don't have to go very far. Here is my story:

 

Last March, after 2 weeks from Valentines day I went to San Francisco for couple of months for a business trip. Two weeks later, all of a sudden, like an earthquake my bf calls me up and tells me he wants to break up. He says that although he still loves me (don't know why he said it, but he only confused me further) he sees no hope in this relationship, he tried everything he could to make it work, he is not happy with me and it's best to break if off now rather than wait untill it gets worse and more difficult. Naturally, my first reaction was shock. I thought he doesn't know what he's talking about, how could he do this to me, we had problems and fights but not more than is normal. So I called him back a few hours later hoping he would "come to his sences" and tell me he didn't mean all of what he said earlier. He didn't. My feelings were storming and shifting between despair, denial and anger towards him. We talked a few more times. He said other hurtful things to me, like he never "really" loved me, there is no hope for us to get back together etc. I thought about crazy things like trying to stay friends, that didn't work.

 

It's been 4 months now. I went through many stages, depresion, resentment toward him, trying to erase my feelings for him through consentrating on what I didn't like about him, getting together with someone else only to find myself back in this situation of still missing him, dreaming about him at night and wishing we were still together. And this is a man I wanted to marry more than anything else in the world. I thought he was the one for me. And now, still, a day doesn't go by without me wishing that he calls me and asks me back, or an urge to call him myself. But I know better, and one consious thought that stops me from doing so every single time is, a man who is truly for me and who would truly love me would never choose to leave the relationship just because things become too difficult for him to continue. Wouldn't you agree with me on that, LostWithoutHer? Of course you're lost without her, you've lost yourself in her long ago, while you were still together. And now that she's gone, you don't know where you are anymore. And it's your job to find and reinvent yourself, think of this as an opportunity.

[Fallen_Angel]

Originally posted by LostWithOutHer

How does my situation seem so negative to people? why is everybody so sure it'll never work or I should move on? It's been two weeks, I feel like I love her more now then ever and I know I want her back like nothing more in the world. What do I do?

 

Believe me when I say I don't WANT to be negative. Like I said, I'm going through something similar and if my ex just happened to call up and say "You know what, I made a huge freaking mistake" I'd probably take him back without thinking twice.

 

I too thought everything was perfect. I wished to every higher power that would listen for him to change his mind. But it's been three months. I can either waste my time and continue to pour all my energy into hoping for a second chance that odds are will never materialize, or I can pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I'm choosing the latter. I'm not kidding myself or anyone else; it won't be easy, but it's certainly better than living in what would eventually become a painful delusion.

 

Like Butterfly said, look at similar posts on this board. You'll see that many of us were completely taken by surprise when our exes up and left. And we came here to vent and share our pain. You're definitely not alone. Sadly, the truth is our smartest move at this point is to invest in ourselves.