Breakup after 10 years relationship and two kids

[gixxer]

Hi all,

 

I had a relationship with my wife for 10 years. We have two kids together.

Before 25 days she wanted to break up with me. We was on vacation for 20 days (festival, and sea).

It was nice time, the week after that we had two days fights for nothing I said something

and she begging to fight on different topic. The fight was about two recent times when

she was on a party and at 5-6 am I woke up and called here few times because I was worried

if something happened. She fight about that that I am controlling her.

After the fights she said everything is ok, it was the best summer.

But at the end of the week I find out that she cheated on me (I checked her viber, I know it is bad), and I talked with her and said

that I love here, and proposed open relationship.

She said that she will decide to the end of the day what we are doing are we together or we going to be separated. That night we talked and she said that her decision is to separate.

I accepted it. We accepted to see if something could happen after 30 days, she said that it could be mistake because of her fast decision. And I moved to a friend. I am only seeing the kids for one or two days in the week.

 

The reason which she told me:

- I am controlling here

- We are not making sex enough (which was not true for the recent months)

- I didn’t desire here

- She had problems at work (stress and depression), with her sister, her mother from 4 months and she breaked connection with some of our friends for small reasons. But she said that the main reason for that period is me, and she don’t want to repeat such periods.

- I didn’t make here massages often (she wants very often), evrytime when she told me I made her massage, unfortunately not when she didn’t told me

 

After the break up, I didn’t beg and plead. I started no contact, she called me twice first week and when I didn’t answer send me anger messages on viber.

I cannot be in full no contact and decided to talk only for kids, and decided to be limited no contact and not call her.

I cared about kids in the weekends in this 25 days.

 

Some signs bad or good:

- She still tell me pet names

- She wants from me some favours (maybe it is a test how I will react)

- One time she said that maybe she still has some feelings

- She wants to be friends

- She said multiple times that, it is final decision, even when I don’t ask about, and there is no more 30 days, because I checked her viber

- Sometimes she is naked in our house without hiding from me

- One day she is very angry, other day she is calm

- She is smoking two packs of cigarettes everyday and drink during night because cannot sleep, and said that not because of, but because of the kids

- She gives me to touch her, but sometimes says to not touch her

- She allowed me to make her massage 3 times in these days when I leave the kids.

- She don’t tell to any of our friends about breakup

- She removed our pictures together from our house, still not from facebook

 

Before few days because of first day at school for our kid she proposed to come at home at the night and stay and next day to

go to the school together. She was angry that day because of the kids. At the night I made her massage, and she was turned on

and wanted sex. We had sex, and I hugged her during the night. At the morning she said thank you for the massage and for the sex,

but that not mean anything.

 

We had a 1 month separation before 4 years, I made everything I could to get back with flowers at work (she doesn’t like flowers), with night with candles in form of flower, created set of our pictures in frames, etc.

She repeats that she watched this movie and I will change for a little and it will be the same.

And this time I don’t think any romantic will work.

 

I am thinking to not force the things, or maybe I already did this with touches, massages and sex, which may looks desperate.

Next week I am thinking to ask her for just a lunch. And if the lunch is not failure at the end of the week I may ask her for a party which she likes.

Maybe it is too soon and that will push her further.

 

If this not works, I am still thinking after 1-2 weeks what to do:

- To move from my friend and find a place to live and don’t look back

- To continue slowly if I could re attract her

- To return at home and live as roommate until she leave, the home is 50/50. Maybe this is the works and she will become mad.

Edited September 20, 2018 by gixxer

[d0nnivain]

Your wife is gaslighting you. . . .stringing you along making her actions your fault.

 

She CHEATED on you & is blaming you for not being sexy enough with her. If she was unhappy with your sex life she needed to speak up not look outside the marriage. For a woman of 2 kids to be out partying without her husband, their father, until 5 - 6 a.m. that is a problem right there.

 

Love can't fix this.

 

As for your living arrangements / strategy consult a lawyer. You do not want to give her legal grounds to say you abandoned her & your kids. She wants out. Make her move.

[gixxer]

Your wife is gaslighting you. . . .stringing you along making her actions your fault.

 

She CHEATED on you & is blaming you for not being sexy enough with her. If she was unhappy with your sex life she needed to speak up not look outside the marriage. For a woman of 2 kids to be out partying without her husband, their father, until 5 - 6 a.m. that is a problem right there.

 

Love can't fix this.

 

As for your living arrangements / strategy consult a lawyer. You do not want to give her legal grounds to say you abandoned her & your kids. She wants out. Make her move.

 

d0nnivain thanks for your answer. I think you are right she is very manipulative, even I think she may has Narcissistic personality disorder or some other personality disorder.

 

Usually instead of speak about our sex life she get angry for few days or a week.

Last months I made everything to make sex more often, helping more with the kids, but she didn't see anything about this.

When I said that we was making a lot of sex recent months, she said it is true, but because she was in stress.

 

This weekend she wants we to go to my family and that she has no problem to stay there.

Even we are not together, and she hates them. She don't want to tell about the breakup to anybody.

She is still thinking that we can go on vacations for weekends with me and our kids during the next weeks/months.

 

I cannot understand this, she wont tell anyone, she is fine to go with me on vacations with the kids.

It should be her way for manipulation and control.

Or she wants to keep me for her backup plan.

Or still doesn't want the kids to understand what is happening.

 

I don't think she will ever find someone else who can suffer and be with her for a long time.

I know the best thing is to move on, but I give her a little more time.

Edited September 20, 2018 by gixxer

[d0nnivain]

Do not let her jerk you around. If she wants vacations, tell her you want marriage counseling. Then you can work together to try to save this marriage if that is what you want but she has to work at it. Otherwise, you need to be done with her. Shout about her infidelities form the rooftops. Do not let her hide her fault in the break up or try to blame you.