Breaking Up with a Video Game Addict

[sweetjess1951]

Hi! New here! I wanted to post on here, to tell my story but also for support, advice and guidance, especially from anyone that has been involved with someone addicted to video games.

 

 

I started dating my (now ex) boyfriend a year and a half ago. Looking back, I should have left much sooner than I did, but the emotional abuse that came with his addiction kept me coming back, wondering if I was the one solely contributing to the issues in the relationship.

 

 

I had dated guys in the past that OCCASSIONALLY played video games, so it wasn't alarming that he played as well. However, the gaming became more frequent and he played for longer periods of time. I remember about a little over a month into our relationship that he packed his xbox to take with him on a weekend trip. There was another time last year that a new Call of Duty game came out and he binged all weekend, staying up almost all night and not coming to bed, playing this game. Our fights become more frequent, with every issue stemming back to the video games. He would let his house go with laundry piling up, dust accumulating on the future, spider webs growing in almost every corner, days to sometimes weeks old dishes in the sink, dog hair and dirt on the floor/carpet, mold in the shower and clothes all over the place.

 

 

At first, I started to do what people would call "enabling". Even though I didn't officially live at his place (although I stayed there every night with no commitment from him since he wanted the luxury of being able to send me back home whenever he wanted so he could play his video games in peace), I started assuming all the house responsibilities, cooking and cleaning. Looking back, this was such a HUGE mistake because it allowed him to continue with his addiction. I even assumed responsibility of his dog, feeding, walking, bathing and entertaining it while he played video games.

 

 

Last Christmas, we went to a Christmas party. He started packing up a spare xbox he had. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was giving it to a friend who was attending the party. Instead, he set-up the xbox and encouraged others to join in with him, rather that socializing and enjoying everyone's company. He would intentionally pick fights with me just to send me home so he could play in peace. His daily routine was him coming home from work around 5pm/6pm, changing clothes and quickly sitting on the couch to play. He would play until 11pm/12am on the week nights and even later on the weekends. Not to mention, he mounted a separate TV on the wall so he could watch TV and play video games at the same time. We recently traveled to Canada and returned home at 2:15am. You'd think after a long day of travel and it being so late at night that he'd want to go to bed. Nope - he sat down and played video games until 3am. He even goes without eating, until he binges on cookies and chips.

This past weekend was the final straw for me. We were preparing (or I was preparing us) for a hurricane coming through. I went to the grocery store to make sure we had food and hurricane-proofed the house so nothing blew away. On Friday, he texted me earlier in the day asking if I wanted to go see a movie I'd been wanting to see at 4pm. I excitedly said yes. Well, as with any time he suggests we do something together, there was a stipulation. I had to walk the dog first. So I did. I came home afterwards, jumped in the shower and at 3:30pm (we needed to leave around 3:45pm), he came home to see that I was finishing putting on some make-up and throwing a few curls in my hair. I was met with "Why are you putting on make-up?!" "Do you really need to curl your hair right now?!" "Am I missing something - we are just going to the movies, right?!" "Why do I even bother?!". I was so confused by how he was acting but when I told him that we didn't have to go if that was going to be his attitude, he jumped at the opportunity to put on his chill clothes and start playing video games.

 

 

He played from Friday at 4pm until 3am. Saturday, he got up around 10:30am, started playing at 12pm and with the exception of an hour break, he played until 2am. He had no problem, however, eating the food I bought and the dinner I cooked, with absolutely no thank you or appreciation, or ANY type of communication of attempt to talk. Sunday was the worst. He came downstairs and proceeded to cook himself breakfast, not once asking or offering to cook me anything. When he sat down to eat his French toast, I said "You know, you have some nerve eating the food I bought and the dinners I cooked, without saying thank you, and then proceeding to cook yourself breakfast without offering to make me anything". I was told I was crazy. Then, he sat down for the remainder of the day to play, and again, not once the whole weekend did he make any attempt to clean his filthy house.

 

 

I had reached my breaking point on Sunday night when I saw him spank the dog for attempting to play with him while he was playing video games. I yelled "DON'T DO THAT!!". He looked back at me with such a hateful look and said "What?!". I said "It's one thing for you to neglect me and our relationship because of the video games but you will NOT hit the dog because you can't get off your a** and stop playing video games to give him attention". And it blew up from there. He told me to leave, in a hurricane. I told him no, that he had made me leave so many times before and that I'll leave on my own accord. I told him he had spent all weekend playing video games and even if he had no interest in spending time with me, he could have spent time cleaning up his filthy house. I told him he was so ungrateful and appreciative, that I took the time out of my work day to make sure we were prepared for the hurricane and walk the dog, and not once did he say thank you. In fact, I told him that he hardly acknowledge or thanked me for anything I did, including the fact that I paid for his flight and our hotel room for our recent trip to Canada. His response? That I don't thank him for his electricity that I use, and the proceeded to grab the remote and change the channel from the show I was watching because its HIS tv and HIS electricity. He also told me I was a joke, crazy and that maybe I should ask myself why he would rather play video games than spend time with me. He also told me it was a "mistake" that he told me he loved me. Just like how he has retracted every things he's said during/after fights about video games like when he told me I was it for him and that he's committed to me and after a video game fight he said he shouldn't have said it.

 

 

So the next day, I moved my things back home and left the key.

The sad and crappy part of this I s that I've seen the person he is when the video games aren't around. The times we go on vacation and the video games aren't around, he's GREAT. We went to Canada the first week of September, partially for my birthday and partially for a friend's wedding. He was amazing - very conversational with my friends. Was patient, sweet, kind... surprised me with a make-shift birthday cake and sung me happy birthday. Treated me to a wonderful birthday dinner. He was attentive and loving. That was the person I wanted to spend my life with. But unfortunately, our life isn't constant vacations and the reality of the situation is that he doesn't think he has a problem and as much as I'd like it to change and him be the person he is while we are on vacation every day, he's not.

 

 

So now, I gather the broken pieces of my heart and move on. The emotional abuse that came with addiction is what has hurt the most. The things he said about me, the attack on my character.... it all left me being the one thinking I did something wrong and always coming back telling him I'd change. I'd read books on communication. I'd keep my mouth shut and let him play for HOURS every day. I'd do things in attempt to make him happy and remind him of my presence. But it has done nothing but brought me down and made me feel like I wasted a year and a half of my life, believing someone really cared about me, when they only cared about their video games.

 

 

This is going to be hard. But I know that the life I want, the loving relationship I want, is not going to happen with him.

[Zahara]

I feel your pain. I was married to a man that mid way through the marriage started getting addicted to video games. Everything then fell to the wayside. He was sometimes mean and often stayed in his own world, consumed with his gaming friends, neglected the home, quit his job, etc. I admit I became an enabler until I realized I couldn't do it anymore.

 

You made the right decision. You can't wait for him to mature or become the man you wish for and all you can do is control your own actions. Fifteen years later, he's developed into a different man but so much time has passed that we are both now on very different journeys. There's so much better out there even if it means being on your own. Stay strong and don't allow him back because I bet when he realizes that he doesn't have his mother there to clean, feed and take care of him -- he'll come sniffing around.

[Orokotikki]

Sorry for your pain, but you are well to be rid of him now than one more day of that BS.

[sweetjess1951]

I feel your pain. I was married to a man that mid way through the marriage started getting addicted to video games. Everything then fell to the wayside. He was sometimes mean and often stayed in his own world, consumed with his gaming friends, neglected the home, quit his job, etc. I admit I became an enabler until I realized I couldn't do it anymore.

 

You made the right decision. You can't wait for him to mature or become the man you wish for and all you can do is control your own actions. Fifteen years later, he's developed into a different man but so much time has passed that we are both now on very different journeys. There's so much better out there even if it means being on your own. Stay strong and don't allow him back because I bet when he realizes that he doesn't have his mother there to clean, feed and take care of him -- he'll come sniffing around.

 

 

 

Its really sad, watching someone you love waste away their life with a gaming addiction. The few times I played with him, I would get tired playing after 2 games. How can they play for hours on end, day after day?

 

 

I finally realized there was nothing I could do or say to make him realize he has a problem. He medicates himself with both Vyvanse and Adderall, just to make it through the day, and constantly drinks energy drinks throughout the day and night to sustain playing. I'm surprised he hasn't had a heart attack yet. Not to mention, he doesn't take care of himself. He's addicted to dip and sits and dips all night, skipping meals until he decides to eat cookies and chips while playing.

 

 

I feel like I gave it my all but the way he's treated me is not what I deserve nor what I want in a relationship and a future. I literally did everything I could - kept my mouth shut, read books on communication, took and sent him my love languages, made an effort to keep my cool and change the things he asked me to. None of it make a difference and the gaming got worse and worse.

 

 

He would tell me how much of a miserable and negative person I was. Yet, not a single person in my life would ever describe me as that. He did what he could to put me down to make himself feel better about the unhappiness he fails to admit to in his life. And at 38 years old, with what seems to be no drive and ambition, I'm not sure he's going to change.

 

 

The even crazier part is, I constantly went back and forth about whether or not he truly has a problem. While he plays excessively every night, and it has taken an toll on his health, cleanliness and relationships, the one thing it hasn't affected is his job. Maybe because his job provides him the money to be able to continue playing.

[Zahara]

It's an addiction. Pot and gaming will always come first. I know my ex would wake up at 11AM and play till 4AM, then sleep for a few hours and start all over again. It was either junk food or delivery. Didn't matter if there was zero food in the home for me, laundry was piling up, dishes piled in the sink, etc. I'd end up doing it and making it a home for him.

 

Your ex describing you as a miserable and negative person was just his way of feeling unsupported by you. If you're not on his side and engaging in his foolery, then you're an awful person. He's being a bratty kid. That's all it is.

 

Yes, he has to work to sustain his addictions. I on the other hand was stupid enough to get a second job to manage the household while he stayed at home. I think if you were his financial source, he'd be a happily unemployed!

[preraph]

You need to get that dog taken from him. Please call Animal Services or whatever your local thing there is called -- it could even be the police -- and report his dog abuse. I have done it before on a neighbor up the street I saw hitting a chihuahua because SHE let it out the door and it took off. And they came right out. Please don't leave that little dog in that environment. Report him.

 

 

As to the addiction -- yes, get out. He's worthless. He just had you there to do his housework and keep him fed like mommy and hopefully you got some decent sex out of it, though I have my doubts. Don't look back on who he used to be. The longer you know a person, the more you see who they really are. The person you met at first is just trying to impress you but that wears off and here you are.

 

He's an absolute monster for hitting a dog who just wants some attention, and this poor dog is going to starve to death and get beat now because no one will take him out and he'll leave a mess. Please take care of that situation. This man has nothing to recommend him and can't be counted on even in an emergency. Do not second-guess yourself.

[sweetjess1951]

You need to get that dog taken from him. Please call Animal Services or whatever your local thing there is called -- it could even be the police -- and report his dog abuse. I have done it before on a neighbor up the street I saw hitting a chihuahua because SHE let it out the door and it took off. And they came right out. Please don't leave that little dog in that environment. Report him.

 

 

As to the addiction -- yes, get out. He's worthless. He just had you there to do his housework and keep him fed like mommy and hopefully you got some decent sex out of it, though I have my doubts. Don't look back on who he used to be. The longer you know a person, the more you see who they really are. The person you met at first is just trying to impress you but that wears off and here you are.

 

He's an absolute monster for hitting a dog who just wants some attention, and this poor dog is going to starve to death and get beat now because no one will take him out and he'll leave a mess. Please take care of that situation. This man has nothing to recommend him and can't be counted on even in an emergency. Do not second-guess yourself.

 

 

 

I've made comments to him that I get worried about the dog when I'm traveling for work. He just laughed at me and said that was ridiculous. Yet, when he plays for hours on end, he either forces the dog on the couch to lay down, or completely ignores him. He can't even hear him whine when he wants to go out. When I'd remove myself from the situation and go upstairs when he starts playing video games, I'd hear him yell at the dog for whining.

 

 

I'm also not worried about the dog starving. I'm worried about the dog dying from obesity because he continues to give him food and treats and bones to occupy him so he can play his games in peace.

[Ralph79]

Hello sweetjess1951,

 

I used to be a Video Game Addict myself.

 

I played video games on average around 10 hours a day. I worked from 7AM to 6PM, started playing video games as soon as I got home and stopped at 2AM daily. It was 8 HRS from MON-FRI and on Saturdays I got home from work at 2PM and would play until Sunday-early Monday Morning 3AM non-stop.

 

Needless to say I had no physical social life and I tried to convince myself that I could happily live the rest of my life this way. My parents obviously didn't approve of my bad habits, but since I fulfilled my obligations with my job and this happened after I was 21 years old, there wasn't anything they could do beyond kicking me out of the house. However that was only going to make things worse.

 

What kept me hooked?

 

I've asked myself this over the years. I think it was the incorporation of online play. It's one thing to beat a program, but it's another to go against a human being. When global rankings began, so did bragging rights, followers, etc , gamers started caring about their profile.

 

My addiction got to the point were my in-game achievements were starting to become topics of conversation, because I had nothing else to talk about. I knew I was in the wrong, so I tried to avoid socializing in RL altogether.

 

As anyone would expect, I ultimately started interacting with a female casual gamer. And a relationship with her ultimately halted my gaming addiction. Yes we played other video games together , but we did the typical bf/gf stuff once we were together (dining, movies, family events, etc). That relationship turned out to be a disaster. However one of the few positives was that it showed me that I could be a part of society again and have doing it.

 

Lowpoints of my gaming addiction.

 

It's safe to say that I missed out on 3 years of my 20's because I spent that part of my life looking at a screen and I have nothing to show for those 3 years except achivements and currency for games that are now discontiued.

 

I neglected my parents. I shunned my friends. And although I hate to admit it, my work performance was affected by my gaming habits as well. I carrying my laptop everywhere in order to stay connected and not miss out on in-game events. I would keep it open even while driving. It was stupid , reckless and a waste of time. But at that time years ago, I wasn't able to process the degree of my addiction because I was knee deep into it.

 

Addiction after my first marriage:

 

My gaming addition reared it's ugly head after my first marriage. And even though we were both gamers, I was 10x more passionate about it than she was. I would fulfill my job, I would take my wife out to dinner, take her to see a movie, and have our intimate moments, but I would wake up in the middle of the night unable to sleep at times and play.

 

I lost contact with my "online buddies" after marriage, so I wasn't as addicted as before. But we would both carry portable consoles everywhere, and I started getting complaints for playing games while we were supposed to be having a nice dinner, or simply talking.

 

After I realized how selfish I was being with my gaming habits, I made it a point never to play games when we were at a dinner table. Never to play games when we were out on trips. In short, I was able to control it. I played less than an hour a day and I was perfectly ok with that.

 

When my marriage unraveled , I went back to playing video games full time.

 

Video Game addiction as a coping mechanism:

 

I wallowed in misery after my divorce. I tried everything possible to save my marriage, but it was an impossible task. And worse yet I was humiliated in the worst possible way and I still wanted her back. I resorted to video games full time in hopes of staying in a zombie-like state. I didn't want to think about anything related to my Ex. I tried to rekindle the spark that got me hooked on games years before, but I couldn't. I bought new consoles, new games, and I kept crying unable to feel fulfilled. Nothing worked.

 

Only until I worked on myself, went out with friends, started running, tried other hobbies, did I start to feel better. Yes gaming helps by putting you in a trance-like state, but you can't play games forever. Sooner or later reality sets in.

 

Lessons learned and making Video Gaming Habits fit in my current marriage:

 

I wont' deny that every now and then games come out that I'm interested in playing. However I realize that's impossible. It's the same with going to the movies after we had a baby. There's a lot of movies that come out, but I know that we have to make sacrifices and adapt or way of life because we are now parents.

 

What I did is I stopped playing video games that have online profiles. I stopped caring about bragging rights. I limited myself to play games in offline mode and it loses some of it's luster to be honest.

 

I have a stepson who is starting to get addicted to Fortnite. And I see myself in this kid clearly:

 

- He gets pissed off if he loses his chance to play the game

- He will sacrifice other toys, and or trips to parks or venues if it means he can keep playing.

- He's usually very scared of rides on theme parks and stuff, but if you bribe him with VideoGame time he will get on any ride anywhere, even if he ends up crying afterwards. He looks at a ride and his face grows pale and says there is no way he will ever get on that thing. Then we tell him he gets to play fortnite for an hour and the next thing we know, he's waiting in line for the ride.

 

I'm trying to help him overcome this by involving him in different activities outside, but he plays video games with his dad all day , so that's going to be a tough task. But yes I see clearly how bad I must've been myself while looking at his behavior.

 

Final Thoughts

 

sweetjess1951, I wanted to share this with you, because I can speak from experience on what a Video Game Addict feels. I'm sure there are many others in these forums who can add their 2 cents as well. But beyond the video game addictions, this person has really no respect for you. You have got to let him hit rock bottom. I hope your decision turns into a wake up call for him.

 

He does need to seek help. I was fortunate because I was able to open my eyes in time to start a new family.

[preraph]

A relative of mine over 10 years ago got addicted to a video game that was of the role playing variety. She neglected her dog, wouldn't stop to take it to the vet when it ate something sharp and was clearly very sick even though I told her she had to (it died overnight). She stopped working and her clients were calling me because they didn't understand why she wasn't responding to them. She "fell in love" with one of the characters, which I didn't find out until many years later, and she didn't snap out of it until she thought he may have come to town and spied on her and found out she was fat and not the fairly damsel in distress she played online. She almost lost her house in foreclosure and was about to sell it to one of those "we pay cash for ugly houses" guys because she didn't want to stop long enough to fix things right. I told her if she had to sell it, sell it the normal way and she wan't sure she wanted to mess with all that. Lord.

 

Game addiction is real and very destructive. People lose everything to it just like with gambling or drug addictions.

[Lostinohio]

I just want to tell you I’m sorry. I was married to a video game addict for 8 years. We have 2 beautiful children together and he only took an interest in me when I announced I was leaving him. By then it was far too late, my feelings for him were completely gone. I wasted most of my 20s being lonely and feeling unwanted. Don’t waste yours.