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Trying to understand my situation


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Hi all,

 

 

Just a short intro -- I had been seeing this girl fairly shortly, for about 3 months, until she decided to break up with me out of the blue 3 weeks ago. I'm 32 and she is 28, and we had an amazing first month where we spent a lot of time together and she repeatedly mentioned how much she was into me and how head over heals she was.

We had a few moments during that time where we got on each other nerves, but nothing big (in my eyes at least), everything still seemed perfect to me. I did make some comments about her smoking and drinking habits which I know she didn't like, and caused some tension between us. But all in all, I didn't see the breakup coming.

 

When she broke up with me, she mentioned that she thinks our future plans are not aligned, since I never mentioned settling down and having kids etc. while I explained to her that I think she's wrong and that we do have a similar plan for the future after which I think she believed me, but she said it was a feeling and that she is following her feeling.

In the meantime she did still seem very into me and still told me she loves me. The following 2 weeks I tried to convince her to change her mind but she wouldn't give in, even though everything else (her words and actions) was suggesting the opposite.

 

After two weeks of trying, I gave up and told her I respect her decision and wished her the best. We haven't spoken since, but have exchanged the following conversation over text. Please understand that I'm not desperate to win her back at this stage, but I'm super confused about what she thinks and wants and I hope someone else might be able to shed some light. I know it's a long read, but I'd really appreciate some second opinion on this!

 

 

10-09 16:13 HER: I miss you :( (after 2 days of not being in contact)

10-09 19:04 ME: Thank you for letting me know. I respect your decision and wish you well

10-09 19:09 HER: I said I've never regretted anything in life but I'm afraid now one day I'm going to wake up and realise I've made the biggest mistake. I miss you and I am not even drunk.

10-09 19:13 HER: I wish you the very best too.

11-09 15:01 HER: :(!!

12:09 15:00 Missed call from her

12-09 15:07 HER: I think I am losing my mind. I'm sorry to have called you, it's wrong of me to do so. Anyway I think it's best for me to remove your number so that I don't keep bothering you. Bye Steven.

12-09 16:37 ME: Hey, I know breakups suck. But unless you've changed your mind, it would be best for both of us if we don't keep in contact

* she send me a hand written letter telling me she how much she misses me *

14-09 23:36 Missed call from her

14-09 23:42 HER: I hate you!

15-09 21:06 HER: Why doesn't it just get easier???

15-09 22:06 ME: I understand how you're feeling, but please respect that I need space to move on and for you not to contact me. Thanks, take care

15-09 22:19 HER: Then can you just block and delete my number because I have tried to stop myself but clearly couldn't help myself.

15-09 22:41 ME: I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself if you don't want to be with me. Just get rid of my number.

15-09 22:47 HER: I don't know what I want anymore.

15-09 22:48 HER: I want to respect you and not contact you but I can't stop myself.

15-09 22:50 HER: It's been a week and I'm literally feeling sick from not seeing you.

15-09 23:09 HER: How are you feeling?

16-09 01:03 ME: I miss you too, but I didn't make the decision to call it quits so I'm trying to move on. I think you need to figure out what you want

16-09 09:52 HER: I just wanted to hear that you miss me too :(

16-09 10:04 HER: And I'm sorry Steven I know it's selfish of me to keep contacting you, I just really miss you so badly.

16-09 14:33 ME: Is this you saying that you want to be with me?

16-09 14:54 HER: How was your first class at the specialized gym thingo today? (something I was planning to do that day)

16-09 15:10 ME: Are you free to grab a drink on Tues after work?

16-09 15:12 HER: I'm worried why you want to meet me :( are you going to tell me to stop texting you? Could you do Friday night instead?

16-09 15:21 ME: Relax, I just want to meet up for a drink since you're avoiding my question here. I can't do Friday, but I can do Wednesday?

16-09 15:22 HER: Can't, you've got me stressed... how about Sunday then?

16-09 17:37 ME: Not sure about Sat. You texting me gives me the impression that you want to revisit the decision you made, is that true?

16-09 21:04 HER: Okay let's maybe lock in July 21st 2030 then. (July 21st is when we officially got together)

16-09 21:34 HER: Steven!

16-09 21:59 ME: Us celebrating our 22nd anniversary on the 21st depends on you answering my very simple question

16-09 22:03 HER: Think your math is slightly off... 2030-2018 is 12 years...

16-09 22:05 ME: Ok smartass

16-09 22:09 HER: Shall we round it up to an even number? Lock in July 21st 2038. Xx

16-09 22:12 HER: Ik mis je heel erg Steven. (Dutch for I miss you a lot Steven, since I'm Dutch)

16-09 22:14 ME: That's an answer to my question, Jess

16-09 22:14 ME: Not*

16-09 22:14 HER: Speak Engrish please.

16-09 22:24 She sends a google invite for a date on the 21st of July 2038 and sends me a screenshot

16-09 22:25 HER: Well I can only hope it's the right person

 

And that's it... I don't know if she just wants an ego boost or if she actually wants to get back together... :confused::confused:

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Can you analyze if there is anything you did here to decrease her attraction to you and could have probably given her a reason to breakup?

 

Women follow their feelings, and are always more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. In some way or fashion you probably didn't court her in a way that turns her attraction buttons on. If I had to translate her womenspeak that's probably what she's really saying. Now she's feeling a little bit sorry and wanting to restart the relationship.

 

You could potentially give her one more chance to show her stuff. The safest thing is to end this relationship before your emotional attachment gets too strong, and you are going to want her to change, when she just will not do it. Men marry women hoping they will change, and they rarely do.

 

 

Alternatively you could take a riskier approach and give her a second chance to be more emotionally stable. If she is one day liking you, and the other day breaking up with you, do you want to have a life that looks like this? You don't want somebody whose emotions are like radioactive decay - totally unpredictable.

 

That's the risks and benefits of both approaches.

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Can you analyze if there is anything you did here to decrease her attraction to you and could have probably given her a reason to breakup?

 

 

Thanks for the reply Garcon. You're probably right about that, we didn't have the best time before she broke up, but I kinda expected us to communicate more about it before such a drastic measure.

In my texts, I mention and ask her if she regrets her decision but she never answered which makes me think she doesn't really want to try again. But then again, maybe I just really don't understand women :)

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Firstly, I commend your even keeled responses to her. I felt as if you were a father talking to his daughter.

 

That said, I was not impressed with her. She is doubting her decision and is hanging onto the familiar. This doesn’t mean she wants you back, this means she is having a hard time letting go.

 

You did the right thing by asking her to get together, but it should have been to your place. Once she dodges the question or doesn’t agree I would have said “great talking, gotta run. Stay in touch”.

 

She is not indifferent to you but she’s not doing enough to get you back. And more than likely she’s just stroking her ego.

 

Think of it as weaning yourself off a drug onto another. She’s looking for your attention until she can secure another guy’s. Remember, the primary driver for women is attention, not sex like us. Don’t give her what she wants without getting what you want.

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She is wasting your time.

 

She wants attention and an ego-boost, but there is nothing to indicate that she wants to get back together. This isn't about understanding women. It's about letting go of the ones who aren't mature enough for a relationship, which is what you have here.

 

If she were more respectful and mature, she wouldn't keep contacting you and trying to goad you into telling her you miss her too.

 

Out of curiosity, how long had it been since her last relationship?

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Good points, thanks. I know I'm sounding like a dad here, I just kinda wanted to stay indifferent but i guess i failed :)

 

 

Her last relationship ended a few months before we started dating, and from what I understood is that during the 3 years they were together they broke up many times.. which should have already rang some alarm bells for me.

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Good points, thanks. I know I'm sounding like a dad here, I just kinda wanted to stay indifferent but i guess i failed :)

 

 

Her last relationship ended a few months before we started dating, and from what I understood is that during the 3 years they were together they broke up many times.. which should have already rang some alarm bells for me.

 

You know what the right thing to do....

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Good points, thanks. I know I'm sounding like a dad here, I just kinda wanted to stay indifferent but i guess i failed :)

 

 

Her last relationship ended a few months before we started dating, and from what I understood is that during the 3 years they were together they broke up many times.. which should have already rang some alarm bells for me.

 

The reason I asked is because she sounded just like a girl on the rebound. I figured there was a break-up somewhere not too far in her past.

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The reason I asked is because she sounded just like a girl on the rebound. I figured there was a break-up somewhere not too far in her past.

 

 

Good catch. Her ex didn't seem like the most stable person either since he would ring her doorbell every night for the first 2 weeks we were dating. Think of it.. she probably lied to me about how long she's been single

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Good catch. Her ex didn't seem like the most stable person either since he would ring her doorbell every night for the first 2 weeks we were dating. Think of it.. she probably lied to me about how long she's been single

 

Maybe, but my guess would be that she decided to give it another shot with him and broke up with you to do so. Perhaps it's not going well so she wants you as a back-up plan.

 

Her behaviour is typical of people bouncing between two options.

 

I would stop engaging with her. She sounds messy.

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Maybe, but my guess would be that she decided to give it another shot with him and broke up with you to do so. Perhaps it's not going well so she wants you as a back-up plan.

 

Her behaviour is typical of people bouncing between two options.

 

I would stop engaging with her. She sounds messy.

 

 

I hadn't thought of it and it seems unlikely to me as she wasn't hiding anything from me on her phone etc. but you might as well be right

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I hadn't thought of it and it seems unlikely to me as she wasn't hiding anything from me on her phone etc. but you might as well be right

 

When people want to find a way to be with someone else, they will find a way. Think of all the cohabiting couples who somehow conceal bad behaviour from their partners.

 

I, of course, can't say for certain that's what happened here, but I would not rule it out. In any case, she isn't someone who is trying to reconcile.

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Ok slight change of circumstances.. my ex just called to tell me that she found out this morning that she's pregnant.

 

 

She followed up with the fact that she already made an appointment at a clinic to get an abortion this Saturday and that she's going with a friend.

I was, and still am, a bit in shock and don't know what to think of it. I asked her if she wanted me to come over and to join her during the procedure but she said no. I told her I'm here for support and everything, but damn...

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My first reaction is that I'm not buying it.

 

In your texting conversation as soon as she wrote you "I hate you" bat sh** crazy came to mind.

 

That statement from her was a desperate cry for attention from you. She wanted a response, since you were not giving her what she wanted she used "I Hate You" in an attempt to rile you into engaging with her again.

 

She may be pregnant, but there is a good chance she made that up to get attention from you.

 

Just my two cents

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She may be pregnant, but there is a good chance she made that up to get attention from you.

 

This is unfortunately exactly what I was thinking, too.

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That would be the best case scenario I think, but unfortunately I don't think she's lying. She's going to the clinic tomorrow with a mutual friend so I'm sure she really is pregnant if she brings someone that I know as well.

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