Ex left me for another woman - I just found out!

[Aoyama]

Hi everyone,

 

So my story is this if anyone could help!

 

I just found out my ex left me for another girl who was around when we were dating. He ended things a year ago. But he said there was no one then. I just found out about this other girl 3 days ago. And for my surprise I was completely devastated and have been crying ever since.

 

I´m a very quiet girl and he was the first man I was with (I had 2 boyfriends before). We met when I was 25 and he was 36. He is 11 years older than me. Before me, he said he dated a girl for 7 years, they lived together and then broke up. She was a public prosecutor (he likes girls with money). I later found out they were still together when we started seeing each other. Years later he would say they broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn´t (at the beginning, he gave very different reasons).

 

We both study (he doesn´t anymore) to be a sort of public servant (sort of) so we travel the country to take exams for this position. We met in one of the cities where we had gone to take these public exams. He already had that job in another place but was trying to get a better one (depending on your ranking on the exams you get much higher earnings).

 

Anyway, we met and we dated for about 10 months. We didn´t live in the same city. He lived in a far away city where I never went to visit. He said it was too small and there is nothing to do there. We met at different places or in my city. After dating for about 10 months, we broke up, and after a while got back together and stayed together for about 2, 2 and a half years more. It´s been 4 years now since we first met and started dating. We were always or almost always in touch during this time.

 

Then, last year he ended it. And the truth is even though I didn´t want to end it at that time, I somehow knew I didn´t want to be with him forever for my own sake. I was already preparing my mind for that.

 

Now I believe he has mental issues and is addicted to women. But part of me still likes him.

 

We had broken up before after about 10 months of the relationship because we were travelling to another country together and on the subway (he said he never rode the subway before) out of nowhere he was standing up and started approaching another woman as if he was trying to touch her. The woman tried to get away from him and moved towards the door.

 

I thought maybe I´m seeing things but then I asked him what he was doing and he confessed and said he did it because I was staring at a short blond guy?? I didn´t even realize this short guy was there and I for sure wasn´t staring at anyone.

 

He would always complain that his ex girlfriend kept staring at other guys. And then he started saying the same thing about me. I don´t know why he makes this up!

 

After confronting him about it outside the subway, we got into a fight and he just left (we were together in another country). I was in complete shock. He was my boyfriend and he kind of broke up with me right there after he tried to touch another woman right in front of me. It was about 6 pm and I only heard from him the next day when he apologized but to this day I don´t know if he slept with another woman that night. My mother was there too and there were 2 different rooms – which were in separate floors. He left the holtel the following day because his flight was on that day.

 

After we were both back in our country, we talked and I discovered he was sleeping with another woman from a city near his while we were dating! I broke up with him. He kept lying to me about other women. I loved him and I told him I loved him but I knew he was trouble because of his addiction to women he was making me suffer and would continue doing so. Even though I initiated the breakup, I cried for months and couldn´t forget him. He kept texting me he would love me forever, etc. But I bet it didn´t take long til he was hooking up with other girls.

 

 

He also used to talk to girls (waitresses in restaurants, hotel receptionists, etc.) in a very weird way – touching, getting really close to them. And he used to friend hundreds of young girls (with few clothes or not fully dressed) on facebook and when I confronted him he said he added them to check if he was accepted. Once I saw his facebook search history from before we met and there were many girls, names of hooker places – name of cities combined with words relating to hookers (this was in the beggining – I don´t know if he continued doing that but it seemed to have got better with time but I can´t know for sure)

 

Also, sometimes, we were out and he would keep oggling women everywhere. Like if we would go to a restaurant I would have to worry where to seat so he wouldn´t be staring at women for a long time. As time went by and I confronted him with this, he stopped doing this as much but many times couldn´t help it. When we were at elevators, he would sometimes try to position himself as to be close to women.

 

During the relationship, he would always accuse me of cheating, which never happened. This was something he did. Not me.

 

Of course, he was not all bad. At other times, he was very caring and loving. He liked to hold hands and had very sweet ways. He liked to seat together and not in front of each other. He often said he wanted to stay together forever. He would hug me a lot. He doesn´t go out with friends (he doesn´t have many friends) so he´s very focused on the relationship.

 

After we broke up the first time, we kept in touch. And later when he asked to get back together he promised it was for real this time and his intentions were to stay together forever. I told him we could only be together again if he knew it would be for real. I didn´t want to keep breaking up and getting back together and also talked to him about his women issues.

 

He told me after this that during the time we were broken up he slept with 2 girls who also take these public exams we do.

 

I did not like it at all because to me this meant he didn´t care about me. Why not choose people who have nothing to do with this thing? This makes it uncomfortable because we are forced to see those people.

 

Still, I suffered so much when it ended last year because on top of everything – the unexpected aspect of it all – I thought we were ok - he broke things up in a very harsh way saying a thousand horrible things to me, all sorts of stuff. He said I´m a horrible person, that I look at other guys (which is absurd) – that I´m –a number of horrible traits – and he hates people like that, accusing me of making him unsure about us because of my interest in other guys (which is completely nonexistent – we broke up a year ago and I haven´t been with anyone ever since). He would go on and on writing all these horrible things about me and saying how he hates every one of them. None of the things he said made sense.

 

It´s now been more than a year since we broke up and I rarely went out during this time. Didn´t once go out with other guys. And he used to say the very same thing about his ex before me – that she looks at other guys, that he couldn´t trust her – now I would guess she doesn´t do any of that either.

 

The truth is there was another girl – one of the girls he had hooked up with when we first broke up but when I talked to him about it he said there were never going to be anything between him and that girl – that time would show me (ironic, huh?). This girl would start earning more money which I think is very important to him.

 

He broke up with me at a time when my life was so hard – I worked in one state and studied at another state (I was taking two master degrees – still am) (each one in a different city) and I had such a hard time travelling (buses, flights, etc.) and one of the cities I went to was the city where he was living. We were seeing each other a lot because of it even though he broke up after my winter vacation which meant we didn´t see each other for a month and a half.

 

He broke up with me the day after the result of one of those public exams was published – as a result, he could get one of the first places and this would mean he would be able to live in the city he was from and become a millionaire.

 

To get this result published, they created a whatsapp group to hire a lawyer and he was in touch with this girl who was also taking the same exams – the girl he is with now - one of the ones he hooked up with after we broke up for the first time - but always said there would never be anything else between them. As a result of these exam scores, this girl would start earning really well too but in a different city. And now I found out they are together.

 

Two months before we broke up he took me to a place where this girl was. She didn´t know I would go so she saved him a seat by his side. He sat in another place with me by his side. But the situation just seemed uncomfortable. It was like a hearing related to the public exam contest. It was a formal place where people were expected to keep silent. And then the whole time there the two of them were whispering in each others´ears! With me right there. They were talking about the hearing which related to them but still! Then it comes a time where I decide to just go out of that place into a store nearby. And then he texts me to come back, blah blah. But I guess he thought I wouldn´t go back. I go back and he changed seats and is seating right by her side. The whole time there it was like she was trying to make him jealous talking to some guy. I didn´t believe it when I saw it. Afterwards he complained to me (almost yelled at me in front of her that I couldn´t get in the way of his professional life otherwise we would break up). It was just horrible and unnecessary. The message to this stupid girl was that I didn´t matter and she was more important than me. I asked him if he wanted to be her – if so he should just be with her – he said no – that it was strictly professional. I said if you want to be with just be with – dont put me in the middle of this stupid little thing. If he was to be with he had to make things right and show her that I was important to him. He reluctantly texted her he wanted to solve all those issues this week because he wanted to travel with his girlfriend (me) but then complained to me about her not answering him anymore because of this text. He said she would interpret it as rude. That their relationship was professional and she wouldn´t want to pay for the lawyer anymore, etc. I was really pissed he made me go through that. But he insisted he would never be with her that I was the one he chose to be with, etc.

 

Anyway, now I´m in a new far away city and starting a new job (at the same thing as them but at a different state) and have so much to learn and to do and he and I had started texting again. I don´t know why. I guess I´m just used to talking to him. I know deep down I don´t want to see him in person again (or at least I think I don´t).

 

So we´ve been texting again for some weeks now and he flirted a little and hit on me a little and 3 days ago I ran into a picture of the two of them who have clearly been together for a while. I was devasted. I told him I knew about it and he said the two of us were supposed to be together (and it was my fault that we weren´t. He said things that don´t make sense like he felt that I was about to replace him??). He said horrible things about me while also saying he only does that because he cared and saw a possible future together. He sent me a link of a song by Peter Gabriel – In your eyes – and said that´s how he felt.

 

When we broke up last year, we sort of got back together for a while. Because he came back as if the breakup never happened. But he started behaving weird – like he wouldn´t pick me up at the airport anymore, or he would suggest to meet at a restaurant instead of picking me up from the university and he would treat me in a kind of cold way which made me feel horrible. I now think they were already together when he was behaving like this.

 

Anyway, 3 days ago I found out about their relationship (the one he had told me would never happen that I was creating things) and was devastated thinking about the time I spent with him and how it was all a lie and having to deal with the news of being left for another woman and the public aspect of it because it seems like they go everywhere together.

 

Now I´ve been crying so much I need help to go back to doing productive things and to forget him once and for all.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry he hurt you. It is rare that we end up being with our first loves. It is common when someone asks for a breakup that they have someone new they are waiting to date. I see that's what happened to you. This guy sounded controlling and not very loving towards you so I think you are lucky that he ended it. Why are you keeping in touch with him when he's the one who dumped you for a new girl? Don't talk to him, find a new boyfriend.

[Madofeliz]

Dear Aoyama,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering and pain.

But it also makes me so angry when I read your story.

 

I know from ( a very recent) experience how if feels to find out that the person, who you loved and trusted lied to you, hurt you and possibly aso manipulated you to boost his ego and feed his selfishness.

 

You seem like a sensitive, empathetic and caring person. Unfortunately empaths often attract complete opposites - narcissistst, sociopaths, or just people with some major issues and addictions, thinking they can 'heal' or 'save' them.

 

I don't want to diagnose your ex, but to me it seems like you might have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, possibly with a narcissist who exactly knew how to push your buttons and act on insecurities. You mention the cycle of breaking up, making up, flirting and playing with you by giving you false hope. It's all part of that. Of course I don't know the whole story, but please please go to you tube or just google about Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse and how Narcissts act in relationships. If you feel that this is something familiar, something you've experienced, you might be in a shock, but then you'll understand more and more, and will start healing.

 

Remember that you wanted to believe him, you wanted to help him, you loved - don't ever blame yourself for not seeing, justifying him or denying. Noone can help him, but himself. You have pure heart and love inside you. This is valuable, authentic and unique and one day somene will cherish that and treat you the way you deserve.

 

But for now, just take care of yourself and get this toxic man out of your system, your thoughts and your heart. Get angry, get furious, block him everywhere so that he never ever contacts you again ( I know it's drastic, but necessary) and then start your journey.

 

There are so many people with similar experiences who will support you along the way.

 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkUVh2cwep3jCYwDjE689Wg

 

All the best.

xxx

[stillafool]

Unfortunately it seems that everyone who behaves badly is being labeled a Narcissist these days and without a diagnosis you can't be sure. Some people are just bad and don't care about others. That doesn't make them a Narcissist.

[Madofeliz]

Unfortunately it seems that everyone who behaves badly is being labeled a Narcissist these days and without a diagnosis you can't be sure. Some people are just bad and don't care about others. That doesn't make them a Narcissist.

 

 

But what 'being bad' stands for? Having no empathy, consideration or any moral compass, being selfish. How do these traits affect a person being in a relationship with a 'bad person'? They self-esteem is gone, self love doesn't exist, they doubt and they blame themselves, they are on a constant emotional-rollercoaster.

 

Let's call it a 'bad person' and avoid pop psychology, but the trauma and the healing process will be the same. There jus wont be any resources and support groups to help people understand what happened and why they feel this way.

 

 

I clearly said, I don't want to diagnose, but I suggested she looks for answers, as they might be out there.

[stillafool]

People have been breaking hearts, cheating and moving on to others for centuries. Their friends and family were their support group and some just got over it on their own. Not everyone who treats people badly are mentally ill.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to thank your lucky stars that this man is gone. He is creepy and disturbed on several levels.

 

After the subway incident, you should have walked away forever. His behaviour was (and still is) very troubling, and frankly, disgusting. I would imagine there is a lot more you still don't know about him, as he's doing a lot that is characteristic of people who are hiding a lot.

 

Stay away from him. He is not a good person. Delete him in every way, shape and form. You need to spend some time taking care of you now, and healing. Work on improving your self-esteem and self-worth, so that you discard bottom-of-the-barrel men like this in the future.

 

If you haven't already, I would advise you to get tested for STIs/HIV. I would not trust for a moment that he wasn't engaging in high-risk sex outside your relationship while you were together, what with his looking up prostitutes and what not. You can never be too careful.

[Gretchen12]

You already had a sense of who you are, before you met this guy. Are you still that person? You got sucked into his twisted world and you can't get out. Yes he definitely has some issues (poor impulse control, insecurity, needs validation from many women, negativity, black and white thinking, etc.) But you need not understand all of it to leave him. I think you know he's not right for you. Maybe you have some tendency for addiction and to ruminate. This is definitely something you can work on! Close this chapter in your life.

[Aoyama]

But for now, just take care of yourself and get this toxic man out of your system, your thoughts and your heart. Get angry, get furious, block him everywhere so that he never ever contacts you again ( I know it's drastic, but necessary) and then start your journey.

 

There are so many people with similar experiences who will support you along the way. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkUVh2cwep3jCYwDjE689Wg

xxx

 

Thanks for your kind words Madofeliz. Will try to take care of myself and get him out of my life. I´m sorry to hear you went through something similar. Hope you do the same with yours and things get better soon.

 

 

OP, you need to thank your lucky stars that this man is gone. He is creepy and disturbed on several levels.

 

After the subway incident, you should have walked away forever. His behaviour was (and still is) very troubling, and frankly, disgusting. I would imagine there is a lot more you still don't know about him, as he's doing a lot that is characteristic of people who are hiding a lot.

 

Stay away from him. He is not a good person. Delete him in every way, shape and form. You need to spend some time taking care of you now, and healing. Work on improving your self-esteem and self-worth, so that you discard bottom-of-the-barrel men like this in the future.

.

 

Thanks for your help ExpatInItaly. You seem to be very good at analyzing people. I think he´s hiding other things too and for sure he slept around while we were together.

 

 

You got sucked into his twisted world and you can't get out. Yes he definitely has some issues. But you need not understand all of it to leave him. I think you know he's not right for you. Maybe you have some tendency for addiction and to ruminate. This is definitely something you can work on! Close this chapter in your life.

 

Thanks for your help Gretchen12. I believe I really am sucked into his twisted world and I need out. I know he's not right for me. But me liking him is very weird and I ask myself why.

 

 

I'm sorry he hurt you. It is rare that we end up being with our first loves. It is common when someone asks for a breakup that they have someone new they are waiting to date. I see that's what happened to you. This guy sounded controlling and not very loving towards you so I think you are lucky that he ended it. Why are you keeping in touch with him when he's the one who dumped you for a new girl? Don't talk to him, find a new boyfriend.

 

Thanks stillafool. I guess this kind of story is more common than I realized. I don´t know why I kept in touch either. I didn´t know about the other girl before. And I guess I believed his lies.

[RedOlive]

Aoyama, your story breaks my heart. It's always so tragic to see a person who loves another unconditionally only for that other to abuse this person in the worst possible way. Make no mistake - you were emotionally abused here. Probably also used in a lot of ways. I'm so sorry, i'm not saying this to hurt you, but in an attempt to provide an alternative angle to your story.

 

I'm not a phycologist, but you sound trauma bonded to your ex, who still has a very strong pull over you. Unfortunately, sometimes no common sense or realization is enough to break this bond. It can be a hard work, you have to keep reminding yourself about all the facts and try your best to engage your survival instinct to move away from this toxic man in your life and heal from this horrendous experience.

 

Let's re-cap who your ex is:

 

- he is a chronic liar and a cheater. With his ex before you, as with you and (no doubt) with his current girlfriend. Serial cheaters don't change. This is who he is.

 

- he is emotionally abusive. From all the stories (starting with the subway one) he has been attempting to manipulate you, gaslight you and shift the blame to you. Like another poster mentioned, he sounds highly dysfunctional, somewhere in a cluster B

 

- he has no friends. I know it can be flattering in a romantic pairing to have all attention on you, but that's a serious red flag. You (and apparently a whole a lot of other women) were used for whatever supply he needed. People do span a gamut of social needs, but combined with all other indicators, this individual doesn't have any friends because he is incapable of bonding and is toxic.

 

In short, you dodged a major bullet. I'm assuming you have already tested yourself for any possible STD's in this year (sorry to mention this, but your safety first) and hopefully were out of the woods.

 

Toxic relationship are a lot harder to get out of, mentally, than normal ones. Keep NC and let time do the word. Life does get better, even if it takes years.

[Aoyama]

Make no mistake - you were emotionally abused here. Probably also used in a lot of ways. I'm so sorry, i'm not saying this to hurt you, but in an attempt to provide an alternative angle to your story.

 

Let's re-cap who your ex is:

 

- he is a chronic liar and a cheater. With his ex before you, as with you and (no doubt) with his current girlfriend. Serial cheaters don't change. This is who he is.

 

- he is emotionally abusive. From all the stories (starting with the subway one) he has been attempting to manipulate you, gaslight you and shift the blame to you. Like another poster mentioned, he sounds highly dysfunctional, somewhere in a cluster B

 

Thanks for the help RedOlive! Funny you say he was using me.

 

My therapist said that some time ago - I don´t go now since I am in another city. She said he goes through life using women. And that he treats women like things and no woman would be happy by his side.

[Aoyama]

I had 2 boyfriends before and the breakup with them was somewhat easy (as far as possible).

 

I was the one breaking up and they seemed to like me still. One of them said we would end up together and until a couple of years ago he was saying he could never stop loving me and asked me to marry him on a card he sent me by mail. The other one was – even is - still on good terms with me too.

 

The only time I had a harder time breaking up before this was with someone who wasn´t a real boyfriend. I met him when I was studying abroad and he was from my country. This one behaved in a crazy way. I think I was attracted to it. I didn´t even want to be with him on the long run and I suffered a lot when – whatever it was – was over.

 

Then I went a year without seeing anyone until this one appeared. I was really happy and focused on my life and career at the time. I had just gotten out of university and was really motivated, studying a lot, swimming everyday, traveling to take these exams.

 

I wish I could go back to that time and never start anything with him. I knew right away it wasn´t a good idea but ignored all the red flags. I knew that on fb he was following teenage girls with little clothes on. But I don´t know why I let myself be with him and what´s worse be intimate with someone for the first time in my life. And then I wasted my time. But it´s impossible to go back now.

 

The thing is I did not want to be with him forever because of everything he had done and shown me before and still got so sad and upset about it.

 

I stopped crying like I was before. But I still get sad when I think about it.

 

I appreciate the anwers in this post. They reasoned with me a lot.

 

I told him I would be away for a while. Then he said I misunderstood what it was with this other girl. He said they are not dating (it´s ridiculous I know they are) and then I saw a picture with them and other people and he was hiding behind someone so that he wouldn´t appear in the picture beside her.

 

He sent me a picture of him out of nowhere and asked for mine. I didn´t send any and he got angry giving me orders to send it to him. I said I could´t because it isn´t the time to do it and he said when it´s the time to let him know.

 

I won´t send any picture and don´t want to see him again. If I do, I´ll get sad.

 

I will take an exam a month from now and this new girlfriend of his will be there. I just hope I don´t run into her or him. But maybe I will. I think this is worrying me a little.

 

I´m still sad with everything.