Back & Forth Breaking up...Am I wrong?

[AlwaysLove]

Okay so this post is going to be long due to the fact there is a lot that happened in my relationship. I feel like I need to talk about it and just let everything out to people who I don't know to get honest feedback and advice...so here it goes.

 

I was in a relationship for 6 1/2 years with a girl I met in college. (Im a girl also). When we met I had just cut ties with an ex boyfriend I dated on and off and high school and really wasn't looking to date at all. I went to a big college away from home where I only know a few people but none were considered to be "friends". The girl I dated I knew who she was because she hung around people I knew from back home but thats all I pretty much knew about her. We were introduced through a mutual girl we both knew and started to hang out a lot after that (just as friends). She was already a year in at the college while I was a freshman so I was just happy to start making friends. At the time I didn't know she was into girls and I didn't know I was either. I kissed girls before I never thought of dating one. Fast forward a couple months into the semester we were together everyday all day and I noticed I started to like her more than a friend. During this time I also learned from other people that she was into girls. I expressed my feelings towards her and felt the same and we started dating after about 4 months of our friendship.

 

I fell for her very hard that it was almost scary. I believed I found my Bestfriend and soul mate at the same time. After living on campus we chose to get an apt together due to it being cheaper and we wanted our own space. Our parents didn't know we were dating AT ALL & her family were form the islands so they didn't really approve of being gay. I wasn't sure how my mom would take it but I had to tell my mom that I was moving in with my girlfriend because I don't personally don't like hiding what I'm doing and I didn't want my mom finding out another way. My ex did not want me to tell my mom at all and encouraged me not to but I did anyway. Long story short I told my mom she cried and got over it and then my ex's family found out from social media after we moved in to our apartment.

 

We moved into a 3bedroom 3bathroom apt and a friend of ours moved in as well. We chose a 3bedroom instead of 2 just incase we both wanted our own space. During us living together we fell even more in love. We didn't stay shacked up in the house either. We were both very active on campus and had a very active social life both together and separately. She was the first person I traveled with and did a lot of things Ive dreamed of doing. Around the 2 year mark is when our relationship took a turn. I am a very laid back type of a person and sometimes could be shy if I don't feel comfortable around people. My ex was the opposite she was a social butterfly and beautiful girl. We were both beautiful girls and most times people thought we were just best friends but her personality caused more attention...it was one of the reasons I fell in love with her. During holiday breaks sometimes we would stay at school due to her mom not accepting our relationship but one particular time we decided to go home. My ex came to me with an idea of bartending to make extra money and honestly I felt insecure a bit due to all the attention she was going to get but I still supported her in doing in. The particular bar she worked at there was one female I would see sketchy interactions with between the two. Very friendly on social media that it almost looked flirty. I asked my ex about it she denied anything was going on and said they were just cool and worked together. I never let it go and kept a mental note about it. After the break was over and we got back up school I just couldn't get the idea out of my head that something was going on. I ended up going through her emails ( yes I know you shouldn't go looking for things) and I found a email receipt for flowers , chocolate , etc being sent to the female from the bar. I WAS CRUSHED. I didn't know what to do because I haven't actually seen proof of somebody clearly cheating on me. I held it in for a few days and collected all the evidence I could before I brung it to her. There was text messages , social media private messages , I mean. everything. I confronted her and we got in one of the worse fights of our relationship. I believe this is when I should have left...but I didn't. We decided to work through it and stay together.

 

Fast foward to year 3 everything is going well. It took a lot for us to get to the point we were at and I honestly seen a change in her. I never felt sketchy about anything else. Her mom started to come around a bit and thing were starting to look up for us. Plans for after graduation were being talked about she expressed how she wanted this to really work because she never felt this way or had somebody really show her the love that I did. A random night out for drinks during winter break with one of my roommates I lived with freshman year took a left. We were catching up and having girl talk when she bought up the girls name who my ex had cheated on me with. She started to go on and on about how the girl was this and that and she's happy we didn't let what happen break us up for good. Me being a bit confused and embarrassed just went to say something along the lines of yes it was not the best situation I'm just happy things didn't go too far. Basically this "friend" of mine goes to tell me that my ex and this girl had sex and she thought I knew everything that happened being as though I took her back. MY HEART BROKE INTO PIECES. I never knew they had sex at all because I was just told they were talking hanging out etc. My ex supposedly told this friend of mine at a party we all were at together smfh!!! I was talking to some other friends at this party and my ex was really drunk and ended up telling this friend how she had sex with the girl and didn't know what to do because she knew I would leave her if I found out and she didn't want to **** our relationship up. Well too late...it was clearly already ****ed up. After finding out this information it was a complete mess. I was so upset that I didn't know this information and a whole year went by. The girl she cheated on me with also started to start drama with me and even contacted me telling that they were just cool and I shouldn't have a problem with that. It was a lot to deal with on top of school plus being in that apartment with my ex. It was one of the hardest times in my life. I was very depressed didn't go out at all and just went to class and back to my room. My ex stayed in the other bedroom but of course there was a lot of arguing and chaos during this period.

 

Once again we got back together but this time it was a couple months later. We didn't sleep in the same bed , have sex , nothing really during those couple months. She tried of course to do stuff to get me to just forget about what she did but I honestly had to think long and hard about what I wanted to do. Yet again we worked hard to get back and eventually we did. She took an internship that allowed her to stay a extra year and we graduated together. Both families present. Moving back home was an adjustment due to the fact we were both moving back to our parent's house. I was going straight into grad school and she had a job offer as soon as we got back home. It took a little bit to get adjusted to being back home but eventually we figured it out. We would spend a lot of time together and started hanging out with family and friends back at home. Our family lives and upbringing couldn't be more opposite. My ex was the only child and living and was raised by her mother. She had one of those moms who acted young and more like a friend but at the same time was very judgmental. Her mom got laid off a little bit after we were back home from school. My ex had to step up and basically do everything. Find somewhere for them to live , pay the bills , basically become the mom. I had a mom who was also a single mom but worked really hard to provide for me and my younger siblings. It started to become an issue when even though my ex had a great job out of college she was broke taking care of her mom. Her mom wasn't sick , disabled , anything of the sort either. I didn't mind paying or fronting the bill for things we wanted to do because there was times she's done it for me. But my ex hated that. she didn't want me to pay for anything or feel like she wasn't able to contribute. Her mom also started saying smart things in regards to me. She thought I was controlling her daughter and believed I was the reason she was "living in sin". Eventually my ex started slowly resenting her mother...then it just turned to full on resent. She would be depressed at times and really feel low and discouraged about a lot of things. I did my best to be there for her in any way I could. She started spending a lot of times at my house with me and my family as well.

 

We didn't argue or have anymore issues regarding other people or cheating but we often couldn't get on the same page about other things. I was in my last year of grad school and I wanted to start looking for apartments. She expressed how much she wanted to be on her own and away from her mother but never would be able to fully commit to the moving out process. She thought she couldn't leave her mom like that it wasn't right and to give her time to figure things out. I agreed because I didnt want to feel like I was coming in between the two. I support and always encouraged her to work on her relationship with her mom. Even when she would get upset and say hurtful things about her I always stopped her and told her you only get one mother and she's not perfect but certain things you shouldn't say. The whole time her mom was convinced I was the reason my ex felt that way about her!! It was very frustrating! We were always arguing about her mom and us trying to just begin our lives together.

 

Fast foward to this year. We finally said we ere going to try and be out our parents house in the fall. Started saving together and looking at potential neighborhoods to move into. She wanted to move out the city to get away complete but I didn’t think that was the best decision for me at the time. I wanted to be close to my family still. I knew that it was a lot going in and she was dealing with a lot so I booke dup a vacation to the carribean for her birthday that was right before the summer. Of course her mother had something to say and was upset we didn’t invite her or that she wasnt able to do that for her daughter. I ignored it and we went on our vacation and a great time. We got back and it was the same family stuff but I could tell she wasn’t trying to let it get in the way. We continued on with the summer until about the last week of June. We were on the phone while I was on my lunch break and were having a little argument about where we would go to eat later on in the day cause we haven’t seen each other in a couple of days. Out of nowhere she said she didn’t know if she wanted to be with me anymore. I was completely shocked and thought it was a joke really. She said she has been thinking about it for a while even before the vacation. She said she feels pressure in her life from everybody and she wants me to be happy but she knows she can’t be the one to do it. I was crushed and remember just breaking down at work in the parking lot. She kept saying I’m sorry but I’m done. I didn’t know what to do and that first week I didn’t do much. I didn’t eat , watch tv , go out nothing. I would go to work come home cry and sleep. My friends all thought we were going to be back together and it wasnt a big deal but for reason I felt it was different. Over the next 2 weeks it was a lot of back n forth going on. Arguing , fighting , and a bunch of talking in circles. She would call and text me everyday like nothing happened as well as try to see me and go to dinnner etc. At that point I was confused and didn’t know what was going on. I had weak moments of entertaining her again and we did up going to the movies around the 4th of July and that was it. Anytime I would bring up anything regarding us she would make sure to remind me how she was confused and couldn’t give me an answer but she knew she didn’t want to be in a relationship. I thought it was unfair and started to distance myself.

 

The whole rest of July and up to now I have been just being around friends and family more. Reading , finding new things I like , and starting things I wanted to do. I also finished grad school. She was still contacting me about seeing each other but I just thought It was selfish. She wanted me when she wanted me but yet didn’t want to be with me. I declined every time no matter how much I wanted to say yes I just knew it was no point. About a week ago we were speaking and of course it turned into an argument that I felt like pushed me to my final point. She said that she was mad that I didn’t wanna spend anytime with her and that I have been distant. I couldn’t beleive she was upset esp because she is the one who broke things off. I explained to her that I didn’t think it was a good idea to continue seeing each other and talking all the time if you don’t want to be with me. I knew that I would be the one even more hurt at the end of the day. She didn’t said she understood where I was coming from but said since I’ve been distant it confirmed to her that she was done. I COULD NOT BELIEVE SHE SAID OR EVEN THOUGHT THIS. It was so selfish and made me feel a way I didn’t like at all. I knew I didn’t deserve somebody who wanted me around for there own benefit when it worked best for them. Idk what it was about this one conversation but something just happened. Right after the conversation I changed my number.

 

Its been about a week since I changed my number and she’s contacted me through email saying she can’t believe I would be so low and change my number. She expressed how upset ad betrayed she felt to wake up and not be able to get in contact with me. Its like she basically was telling me I’m the reason for us not working out because I reacted this way ONCE SHE BROKE UP WITH ME. This just furthered confirmed this is not something I want. I love her I really do and honestly don’t know how I will get through this break up but I know that I will. This whole breakup I have been seeing a side of her I just don’t like. One min she loves me and wants me the next she’s a completely different person. I also feel guilty sometimes because I know how her home life is and she doesn’t have many friends at home either. All of her friends moved away for jobs etc. It takes a lot for me to not pick up and call her and constantly check on her but I don’t. After the email she’s also reached out to friends of mines and I told them to please not give out my new number and I don’t want anything to do with her right now at all.

 

Am I wrong for reacting how I did? Because sometimes I feel like I’m trying to do whats best for me but other times I feel bald and I don’t know why.

[AlwaysLove]

I feel really emotional rn!!! I just want to call and argue but I’m not but my mind can’t stop thinking about the situation

[Redhead14]

Always, no contact is about you. It's about giving yourself the ability to focus and move forward without drama. It's not about being mean, or rude or anything like that. You don't owe her anything anymore. You two have been treating each other like doormats.

 

This "relationship" was entirely toxic and drama filled. Relationships shouldn't be like that. It's way past time for you to start treating yourself better and expecting more for yourself. You deserve better.

 

Head up and keep on keepin on. Go out with some friends. Do some nice things for yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. Set aside say half an hour each day to sit with your emotions and at the end of that time, you make yourself do something productive or fun. Do this everyday and you will find that you need less and less time for it until eventually you don't have to at all.

 

 

Take care of yourself.