How to break up with her

[ManyDissapoint]

I'm in a weird relationship with a girl I met online. After chatting for a while I decided to give it a shot and I visited her in her country. We got along fairly well But I wasn't sure. So I invited her to visit me and she's been visiting for the last couple weeks.

 

I'm not feeling it with her and I want to break up. I will be taking her to the airport in a couple days to return home. I would like to break up with her when she gets back home so as to avoid awkwardness and so that she will have her support network. Is that a bad way to do it?

 

She won't be expecting it and will be sad I think.

[guest569]

I'm not sure. Personally if I was her I would prefer if you broke it off in person some time before I left. Or sooner the better. Don't make me waste time in a fake relationship.

 

Waiting till she is home to avoid awkwardness is taking the cowards way out. Is it a long flight home? I'm sure she will manage to

[coolheadal]

I'm in a weird relationship with a girl I met online. After chatting for a while I decided to give it a shot and I visited her in her country. We got along fairly well But I wasn't sure. So I invited her to visit me and she's been visiting for the last couple weeks.

 

I'm not feeling it with her and I want to break up. I will be taking her to the airport in a couple days to return home. I would like to break up with her when she gets back home so as to avoid awkwardness and so that she will have her support network. Is that a bad way to do it?

 

She won't be expecting it and will be sad I think.

 

This is so confusing if you don't like her then drop and move on..

[Lotsgoingon]

You want to break up now ...

 

That way you're not putting off being honest with her.

 

Dumping her will hurt either way ... there's no escaping hurt if you are breaking up with someone who isn't expecting it. But breaking up with someone is not cheating them or actively harming them. There's a huge difference.

 

Breaking up is not a crime ... But being dishonest with someone is itself hurtful. Delaying could make things worse because the person has to now consider that the entire visit, which she thinks is going well, was not going well.

 

I get it: you're scared and don't want to hurt someone's feelings. But what really hurts people's feelings is to learn that they were thinking things were going well between you when all along you were wanting to end the relationship.

 

Of course, it's uncomfortable to break up ... but if you can't get yourself to do this in person, then really, you ought not to be dating.

Edited August 24, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[d0nnivain]

Generally an in person break up is the way to go but I see where you are coming from trying to be sensitive given the travel etc. Do be a bit distant while she is here. Don't give her false hope. I'd tell her in the airport but that does leave her with the potential for crying all the way home in public. I think you are right that telling her now & leaving her stuck with you is not the answer. Just don't have sex with her, hug her or kiss her or even flirt with her while she is still with you.

[kendahke]

I'd be an adult and tell her to her face before she gets on the plane. Don't rob her of her respect for you, which doing it your cowardly way will do.

 

If you're grown enough to get into a relationship in person, you're grown enough to break up with her in person. If right is so on your side, you should fear nothing and no one.

[smackie9]

You do whatever feel right. Not every breakup needs to be done in person. The most important thing about a breakup is closure by giving an honest explanation.

 

 

 

Sounds like you two are just in the early stages so I don't think it will be horrify heartbreak, just disappointment. And even tho you think she doesn't know, she may have a feeling that something is up.

 

 

 

Now if you are going to do it in person, make sure you give it enough time to console her, and talk about why. I know it's going to be awkward BUT it's better than doing it at the gate as she's boarding, leaving her there raw, and sobbing on the plane.

[Whodatdog]

Normally Id be on the "tell her face to face" crowd, but the fact that she is traveling so far from home, I think Id wait until she got home, so she's in comfortable surroundings. Then you can tell her that you really enjoyed the visit with her, but you just dont feel like you can continue the relationship...or however you want to say it. No point in her crying and feeling miserable while she's traveling.

[alphamale]

I'm in a weird relationship with a girl I met online. After chatting for a while I decided to give it a shot and I visited her in her country. We got along fairly well But I wasn't sure. So I invited her to visit me and she's been visiting for the last couple weeks.

 

I'm not feeling it with her and I want to break up. I will be taking her to the airport in a couple days to return home. I would like to break up with her when she gets back home so as to avoid awkwardness and so that she will have her support network. Is that a bad way to do it?

 

She won't be expecting it and will be sad I think.

 

when she gets home send her a text message

[glows]

Alpha made me laugh. That was good.

 

Look, OP, you just met her and it's a long distance situation. What makes you think at all that this would have worked out? I think you're a bit naive. Just learn from this and move on.

 

This was the second time you both met and you think she needs a "support network" to help her get through this difficult time. If she's that fragile, dump her and move on with your life. I can't tell if that's a legitimate worry of yours and whether you really think she needs a support network for that. I hope your nutjob radar is a bit sharper next time. Good luck on the dating scene and stay local.

 

I'd personally let the person know when they're not camping out at my house and I don't have my personal belongings, property or other issues at risk. I don't sense there's any trust or meeting of the minds here. Be done with it as soon as possible when she's gone and don't talk to her again.

Edited August 24, 2018 by Portia_Vaughn

[maxi105]

hi there manydis...DONT tell her at the airport!!!!, that is a pretty thoughtless way and will make her feel real low and that you are discarding her like an old jacket, only to replace her as soon as the aeroplane doors close!!! also don't send a text, that is another cowardly way.

 

 

if this girl is a decent person and you know she will be so hurt then at least you need to explain what you feel and why. also im sure she'd appreciate a few words letting her know you are sorry and you wish her well for the future.

 

 

a letter or card would be a better way. sure its old fashioned, but im sure it will mean more than you taking images or profiles of a social media account etc.....this is a real person with feelings you know you are going to hurt.

 

 

just be honest and kind. and she can at least read the letter and think about what you are saying in her own time and feel sad but understand why.

 

 

that will help her come to terms with it. you sound like a decent guy not a jerk, so my advice would be to do things in a decent way that will help you both and remain true to what you feel.

 

 

ok, see ya. maxi.

[Desesperado]

Honesty is good when you're in a couple, but sometimes while in such situations and you're no couple, I'd be warry because you don't really know her so much, that she'd turn psycho.

 

I had a LDR and it was complicated, after first travel I didn't know if we'd see each other again and it was best not addressing it before the airport, it made her miserable enough so, I preferred not ruining the trip for her.

[guest569]

Do not wait until she is at the airport! Sheesh..

[Gretchen12]

The most important thing is to stop physical contact as soon as you know it is over. No sex, no kissing, no hand holding, nothing. If you continue to touch her you are being an *** But a lot of men would keep pretending and play the role until the actual break up. If you do that, you add insult to injury.

[SevenCity]

The most important thing is to stop physical contact as soon as you know it is over. No sex, no kissing, no hand holding, nothing. If you continue to touch her you are being an *** But a lot of men would keep pretending and play the role until the actual break up. If you do that, you add insult to injury.

 

Take a look at some of the posts on here - women do that all the time.

 

And not talked me about a few weeks, ararher a few years.

 

I’m with Alpha on this one. Send her a text when she gets home. Nothing wrong with saying the distance is too difficult and you don’t want to be in an LDR.

 

Any truths you tell her will just hurt her more.

[guest569]

Take a look at some of the posts on here - women do that all the time.

 

And not talked me about a few weeks, ararher a few years.

 

I’m with Alpha on this one. Send her a text when she gets home. Nothing wrong with saying the distance is too difficult and you don’t want to be in an LDR.

 

Any truths you tell her will just hurt her more.

 

Great idea. Until she packs up her life to move to his country so they can close the distance and make things work. Truth is best.

[maxi105]

md....just incase you haven't dealt with this yet....and just to think about what the flavour of some of the other replies are: sure, of course truth will hurt her....but so will pointless lies, (and you have already lied to her by inviting her when you knew you wernt sure you wanted to be with her; also the callous dumping of her at an airport if she is waiting on her own for hours after having what she hoped would be a lovely trip will also devastate her.

 

if she has travelled with others to see you and is at the airport (and she has just been dumped), it will be even more embarrassing for her to be flying back with them feeling so upset and not able to control it; and then that will be equally awkward for them too!

 

its kinder to let her know when she is back at home as the trip is coming (or has now come to a close).

 

anyone whoever they are who has so little respect for another person as to send a TEXT to dump them!!!!!! then that says a lot about what they really thought about that person and how they view the people they date.

 

you can say all you need to in a letter or e-mail when she is home and at least give her some respect and pride, rather than acting like she is a disposable item. it isn't about what everyone else may have done online via text, this is about someone you know (in that you've met them and spent time enough and given the impression that things are ok when they clearly were not that ok), its ok to be honest, but if you lie about stuff it'll come back sooner or later!!! and your lie via false feelings have come back and are hurting someone that could have been spared that hurt if youd spoken earlier about it and been honest to tell her!!!!

 

you know she is a sensitive person and she's made an effort and probably at great expense to visit you via an air journey!!!!.

 

 

either way there are elements of naiviety in this all round, so hopefully you can learn from this situation and think about what others may be expecting when you cant communicate properly, so they are not strung along with something you are not that sure of yourself (next time)!!

 

having read the original post again, I have lost abit of my original sympathy for you because, I think you have already acted in a cowardly way when you came to see her and you were not sure then. if that was the case, why did you ask her to visit you in return!!!!!!!. she has obviously thought that you cared more than you did.and thought that it might go further in that you were really starting to care for her and want her around to be a couple.

 

why pretend and string her on, why not just tell her then?

 

I think you have got yourself into this so maybe now the best thing you can do to avoid any future dissapointments (or should I say ...many many dissapointments!!! is to start talking to girls in a more honest and respectful way.

 

many good people looking for relationships online and off too (the genuine ones that is) are actually looking to meet like minded people that are going to treat them well and to share good times and intimacy with so the relationship can develop in a more mature progressive way (even if its not that physical in the early days), I think you've lead her on and now you are feeling remorse because seeing her enjoying things has made you realise what you've actually done...its no longer online talk, it was someones real feelings and that's the difference, she has feelings, so if youre going to drop her you need to think of those feelings.

 

maybe you like all of the online attention, pictures and endless choice of girls around or maybe you like the "perceived" alpha male approach with girls? but what kind of alpha male would send a text to dump someone? that doesn't strike me as being very alpha!!!!! its rather wet and lame!!!! and shows someone whos actually rather fearful to talk to someone's face in a tricky situation!!!!!

 

if you cant talk to people you have an interest with or relationship, whether they are male or female in a proper way, then you aren't ever going to have a relationship that really fulfils you or them or is lasting or meaningful for both. you will have an endless fear of missing out, a shallow chasing people that appeal unitill you get bored, you wont go deeper or do the right things by yourself or others because as you found out, its often quite different talking online than when you meet in the flesh and talk!

 

....if you want to be seen as a decent guy and you know she is a decent gal, then you have to step up and grow up. she will be feeling pretty low and like a fool right now (or whenever you tell her), but at least if you treat her with respect and the truth, she can get back out there when she is ready and meet someone who is more able to communicate in a more honest, respectful and mature way, so she wont end up unessesarily hurt again.

 

I wonder whether you've been swayed by the whole online and cultural relationship expectations so much so that it is your own disappointment that has shown you that many things that are pushed onto people as being what should be expected of them in a relationship has shown you just how unstable and fake many of those expectations of the perfect relationship are (without really knowing more than an online profile or being prepared to communicate when you do actually meet up) can be.

 

well, I felt pretty positive until I re-read this post and some of the replies!!! but I just hope you do the decent thing and can learn something from how you have been made to feel simply by your own inability to talk to her and let her know sooner how you really felt!!!!

 

ok, see you. maxi.

[Gretchen12]

Take a look at some of the posts on here - women do that all the time.

 

And not talked me about a few weeks, ararher a few years.

 

I’m with Alpha on this one. Send her a text when she gets home. Nothing wrong with saying the distance is too difficult and you don’t want to be in an LDR.

 

Any truths you tell her will just hurt her more.

 

Women do it as much as men, and not all the time.

[alphamale]

I’m with Alpha on this one.

 

thanks for the validation SC

[Gretchen12]

Straightforward people who communicate would have already shown signs of losing interest, since a normal person's feelings change gradually when there was no fight. If you showed no signs then you must have hidden your intentions.

 

I have no poker face. When my feelings change it shows. When the person asks what's wrong, I tell. So even though I've had to break up with people I've never gotten myself into the awful position you're in right now.

[snowboy91]

I think the most awful part of the situation is that it's mostly been long distance and she's staying with you. I'm normally an advocate for in-person breakups no matter what, but I can see how breaking up prior to her leaving can create an awkward situation.

 

I wouldn't do it at the airport either. So if you DO wait until she's home, I would do it over a phone call or Skype/Facetime. Don't do it via text, she's worth more than that. You care about her enough to agonise over this here on LS, so it needs to be as close to in person as you can get.

[CKJD]

Going cold or withholding affection is NOT direct.

I think it's kind of splitting hairs to suggest that

being distant to a partner is somehow superior to intetacting with them half-heartedly. Being cold and distant is really another way of wasting someone's time. I don't see it as prepping them for the break up so much as torturing them before delivering the final blow. It's actually way more damaging to do this than just politely discussing the status of the relationship right there and then. Nobody should have to ask the dumper to get on with the dumping, for crying out loud.

 

OP, you know her best. Your relationship is LD so it wouldn't be entirely out of order to end it when she's back home but she probably already has an idea. It would be more respectful to discuss this with her in person but, if you do, don't do it at the airport, or anywhere in public for that matter.