Boyfriend of 11 years broke up with me

[Wally52]

Hi all,

 

 

I am just looking for some advice. I am having a really hard time. I was with my ex for nearly 12 years. A few months leading up to June he was starting to become distant. He had been going thru some struggles in his personal life and wasn't coping very well. I was his first girlfriend - we met in college and are now both 30. He had stated a few times before that he thought I was the one for him but he wasn't sure and wanted to take a break so he could figure out his feelings.

 

 

We had talked many times about getting married and having kids. Most recently in February when he told me he wanted to start to try to have a baby.

 

 

 

Since March, he became very distant and cold. June rolled around and he said he wasn't happy in the relationship and wanted take a break to try to figure things out. I reacted badly to that saying he should know by now if I was the one for him. That led him to breaking up with me. He said the reason for breaking up with me was because he didn't feel in love with me anymore and he wasn't happy in the relationship. We were living together and he has since moved to a mutual friends house.

 

 

 

I have been trying to work things out with him for the past 3 months. Begging and pleading which I completely regret. He acts so cold towards me and won't even talk about the break up or the relationship. Most times he does respond but is very cold and mean about it all. Other times he just ignores me. I tried to tell him its normal to feel the way he does when you have been with someone for as long as we have.

 

 

 

Basically, I was wondering if anyone has any stories of going thru something similar - where you in a long term relationship and after the break up you made yourself look desperate by begging and pleading for months and then you finally stopped and gave your ex space and the ex realized what they had with you and came back?

 

 

I just don't want to give up 11 years that we shared together. Very heartbroken! Any advice!

[Artdeco]

Hmmmmm.....I’ve been on the other side of the spectrum. I used to be with somebody almost 15 years, never married, but always together, even though we both had our own apartments. Met even before college, families very entangled/close, and all that jazz.

 

Once I hit 33, I met somebody else that I was interested in. I had gotten kind of bored with my relationship, and even though we respected one another tremendously, my boyfriend never asked me to marry him - in a serious way (even though we had been discussing it in a joking way multiple times, and we were the couple that everybody considered perfect and we were super long term); so I thought that “hanging out” with another man was ok, because after all, I wasn’t M. ?? Weird, I know. But at that point in time, that gave me a legit excuse.

 

What I’m trying to say is that if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet, after more than 10 years, then he probably knows why. He’s not sure, he wants to wait ..... you’re probably his first serious LT-R ..... And he might’ve even met somebody else so he’s keeping his options open.

 

In my case, all the begging - after I met the other guy (and I didn’t disclose for quite a while) - didn’t help, I fell in love with the new guy and we ended up together for a while. Never regretted it.

 

I’d say – you’ve been together for a long time and you’re still young. You probably got together and lived together way too young in the first place. And he’s now playing the field. Which he is (kind of) entitled to, because he’s not married. So you should do the same. In the end, you both might end up together again. If not, I’m sure you can find somebody who wants to commit wholeheartedly.

[Ralph79]

Wally52

 

I'm really sorry to read that you are going through this. My longest relationship has been 5 years to my exwife. Even then I thought that 5 years was WAY too much time to simply just throw away and not do everything in my power to salvage my marriage. And just like you I pleaded and begged . And just like you I regretted it afterwards.

 

It took me a while to understand that you can't save a relationship by yourself. If your partner has lost interest in getting back to you then the relationship (although not necessarily hopeless) becomes nearly impossible to repair.

 

11+ years IS a long time. And yes I can completely understand that you feel so invested in this relationship that it's disheartening to see your partner suddenly dismiss it as nothing.

 

You provided no info on why you guys never got married so I'll reserve my comments on that subject until you provide more feedback.

 

Were there any constant sources of conflict between you and him over the course of the relationship ? Is there a possibility an external factor affected his state of mind [i.e.: Other woman, New job title, recent close loss ] ?

 

Best advice I could give you from personal experience is to understand that as much as you miss him, he probably misses you too. You don't end an 11 year relationship with ZERO regrets. Yet , if you constantly beg and try to coerce him into changing his mind, then you are simply giving him more power over you at this point.

 

I see that you already tried to reason with him and he gave you the cold shoulder, so I figure that the best course of action now is to step back and focus on yourself. Prepare for life with him and seek support from friends and family. There is no guarantee that by stepping back he will seek you out, but at least you will stop feeling awful from his constant rejection.

 

I would say give it time. I felt awful after being dumped 5 years into a relationship. 11 years would feel like a lifetime. But I was able to regain control of my life. Met someone new , got married again and welcomed my first child. All of this happened after age 37.

 

So I agree with posters when they say that you are still VERY young to do whatever you want with your life.

 

I hope things work out for the best for you.

 

Cheers.

[BluEyeL]

Yes unfortunately he was probably cheating on you and decided to go for the other woman. And above poster is wrong , no, you’re not “entitled “ to cheat in a long term relationship because you’re not married.

 

You should move on, go to therapy and heal.

[Zahara]

OP, if he was cheating on you, then he is NOT entitled to cheat on you as noted by a poster -- regardless of how long he's been with you or the status of your relationship. The moral thing to do would be to end your relationship and move on. There is no justification to cheat.

 

Aside, I don't know if he is cheating or not, as he may have outgrown the relationship and has finally decided to end it. And that's a process on the dumper's part to get to that point so he was probably contemplating it awhile ago.

 

I would stay NC with him and focus on your healing.

[BluEyeL]

OP, to your question on whether anyone had begged and cried and then the dumper came back and realized they made a mistake, I gave some stories but please don’t wait for him to come back it’ll never work out. If someone dumped you once they will likely dump you again.

 

So my story, in short. My ex husband decided he didn’t want to be with me and our son and left us , also cheated on me , but the point is that he left us. He moved to another state . In the moment I also cried , tried to convince him he’s making a mistake, offered alternatives (bargained), cried why are you doing this etc etc etc... I completely humiliated myself. That was in Nov 2008 after being married 13 years and together 19.

 

Then I focused on myself. I was depressed for 6 months and then slowly recovered. By month 9, divorce was final , and I decided to start dating again. We were in touch since we have a son together , who was 6 at the time. I stupidly told him I am starting to date and he begged and pleaded to reconcile. Promised to visit once a month and look for a job and come back home. We were already divorced. I was stupid and I got back with him long distance . Things went ok for about 1 year or so. Then he went back to the cheating, it became clear he wasn’t planning to move back home and wasn’t looking for a job, and he stopped visiting but twice a year instead of once a month. That went on until December 2012 when he even showed me the picture of his girlfriend.and that’s when it ended again.

 

Then in Jan 2013 I started dating and in Jan 2015 I got engaged, 2017 remarried and when I told him I’m getting married and he wrote me a long email saying leaving me was the biggest mistake of his life and he was hoping we will get back together and he would spend his life making it up to me bla bla bla

I am stupid but not that stupid . It wasn’t even that satisfying hearing all that .

 

Thus OP, by taking him back once I wasted 3.5 more years on a guy who dumped me again basically. Don’t be me, take the time to grieve and heal and find a better man.

 

I’m grateful to my ex for leaving me. I want to write. him a thank you letter because I’m so much happier with my husband than I ever was with him.

[d0nnivain]

People reassess their lives at certain points: graduating HS & college & around birthdays that end in zero. Having recently turned 30 he's probably been thinking a lot about his life, his goals & where you fit. You were his only adult relationship. He probably developed a case of GIGs. You were right to press him for something more definitive, rather than vague "space." Unfortunately for you he picked break up over double down & reconnect with you.

 

In my mid 30s I ended an 11 year relationship. It was scary & upsetting but it turned out to be the best thing for me.

 

DO grieve this loss. Understand it will take a while to get over him but all is not lost. You have your whole life ahead of you even if you can't see that right now.

[Wally52]

Hi all,

 

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really do appreciate it. I finally worked up the nerve to get in touch with a therapist. This is something I never thought I would be going thru.

 

 

 

To answer some of the questions. I am not too sure why we were never married. I am thinking now it it because he was so unsure if I was "the one" for him.

 

 

 

We had a very typical relationship in my eyes. Everyone goes thru their ups and downs but we have always worked thru it in the past.

 

 

 

I did question him if he cheated on me. He said he didn't but I can't imagine if he did he would jump to confessing to that.

 

 

We actually talked on the phone yesterday. It was the very first time that he would talk to me without shutting down everything I was trying to say or dismissing me. He confessed that when he turned 30 he started to think about his life and said that he was unhappy with the relationship and he wants to be happy. He also said he doesn't even know if he truly loved me. I don't think you stay with someone for that long when there wasn't any love. He has said before he has fallen out of love. So far he is fairly OK with being single and having no one to answer to.

 

 

He told me I was causing him more stress by trying to make this work. I apologized for how I have been acting for the past 3 months. He is still pretty upset with me. I can understand why as I have been trying so hard to get answers from him and with all the pleading and begging I have done. I just wish he would understand my side of being blind sided and heartbroken. He told me that it is over. He is certain he does not want to be with me. Then also said if he did ever want to get back with me that I would hear from him...

 

 

Part of me still thinks with me being his first LTR and only relationship I don't think he knows what love is really or that people in LTR's don't feel so in love like they did in the beginning of the relationship.

 

 

 

I think I will struggle with the fact that we have been together this long for him to just throw what we had away for a very long time. I don't know if its just my way of thinking but to me I would have hoped we would have done everything to try and make this work. Even if that meant going to counseling. I also would have hoped he would have come to me to discuss exactly how he was feeling so we could have talked about it and tried to work things out before it got to this point.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, I think he outgrew the relationship a while ago but stayed because he loves you (as a person) and you are familiar to him. It's easy to become too complacent when you've been together so long and have no other experience to compare it to. A lot of people in this situation kind of go with the flow until they realize they just can't anymore.

 

The sad truth is that people who don't go to their partners to work out problems are often just not interested in working them out and staying together. I believe that's what happened here. He doesn't have the right feelings to try to work on this anymore and wants to spread the cliched wings now.

 

He might not have cheated. He could have his eye on someone else, but really, it's not terribly important at this point. You need to focus less on the why (easier said than done, I know) and more on how you are going to heal.

 

You will eventually be okay. It's going to be hard because you don't know your adult life any other way, but you will push through this.

[frigginlost]

 

 

I did question him if he cheated on me. He said he didn't but I can't imagine if he did he would jump to confessing to that.

 

He won't admit to it.

 

 

We actually talked on the phone yesterday. It was the very first time that he would talk to me without shutting down everything I was trying to say or dismissing me. He confessed that when he turned 30 he started to think about his life and said that he was unhappy with the relationship and he wants to be happy.

 

That's an excuse. It's a prep for what's coming...

 

He also said he doesn't even know if he truly loved me. I don't think you stay with someone for that long when there wasn't any love.

 

That is a setup for him to keep you in the shadows, so you will continue to fight for him and he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

He has said before he has fallen out of love. So far he is fairly OK with being single and having no one to answer to.

 

Of course he is fairly okay with being single because he's not. He knows you're within a phone call away.

 

He told me I was causing him more stress by trying to make this work. I apologized for how I have been acting for the past 3 months. He is still pretty upset with me. I can understand why as I have been trying so hard to get answers from him and with all the pleading and begging I have done. I just wish he would understand my side of being blind sided and heartbroken. He told me that it is over. He is certain he does not want to be with me. Then also said if he did ever want to get back with me that I would hear from him...

 

Re-read what you wrote. He's spun it to where everything is your fault. If he told you it's over, ram it right back down his throat and believe it is over. Go to work on you. Move forward. His talk is big right now because he knows you can't move forward.

 

Part of me still thinks with me being his first LTR and only relationship I don't think he knows what love is really or that people in LTR's don't feel so in love like they did in the beginning of the relationship.

 

Stop making excuses for him. Right now he feels as if he has everything under control. That will change...

 

I think I will struggle with the fact that we have been together this long for him to just throw what we had away for a very long time. I don't know if its just my way of thinking but to me I would have hoped we would have done everything to try and make this work. Even if that meant going to counseling. I also would have hoped he would have come to me to discuss exactly how he was feeling so we could have talked about it and tried to work things out before it got to this point.

 

In my 50 odd years on this planet I have seen this take place time and time again.

 

Right now he is not going to see or think anything regarding the relationship. You on the other hand are going to be miserable. But, you're going to survive and the feelings not matter how brutal to get rid of, will indeed fade. You will become someone you did not think you could be. You will realize your self worth and all that you offer. You will wake up one day and everything will fall into place. Someone will see you for who you are.

 

Right about then, your ex will come around knowing he screwed up bigtime (and yes, he will realize it. It's only a matter of time). 12 years worth of feelings in a relationship *do not* just go away. While you work to recover, he buries his.

 

When the bubble up within him (and they will) the roles will have reversed, and you will realize you want no part of him.

 

You're gonna be just fine. It sucks, but it's a roller coaster all have ridden.

[BC1980]

11 years is entirely too long to date someone. You should have already moved onto marriage and planning to have kids by now. This happens a lot to young women. They stay with a guy for years, and the guy won't marry them. You can get married at any time, but you only have a finite amount of time to have children. You definitely need to move on from this. This guy is very clear with his intentions, and he does not want to be in a relationship with you. I'm sorry for that because I know how hard that can be. But I would not talk to him again. I think that in the future, you might find that moving on from this relationship is feeing.

[marky00]

Well said frigginlost.

 

Its very true what you said. Its amazing how it changes for the dumper once your actions (i.e. full NC) force them to feel it as well.

 

The ex that brought me here was crumbing me for a couple of years. But by the end of it, I could just tell she had started to really feel the pain as well. She could have been acting but who would bother for so long? Over the course of that time, each breadcrumb message became more and more respectful. So much so, the last one I almost decided to eat it up but decided in the end to just let it go.

[bathtub-row]

He didn’t discuss it or go to counseling or anything else to try and work it out because he knows there’s no point. His mind is made up. I know you don’t want to hear that but that’s the truth.

 

From your perspective, you want to try, but he doesn’t. And you’re so caught up with the idea of trying and not throwing away nearly 12 years that you can’t see the forest for the trees. In his mind, it’s not a matter of throwing away 12 years, it’s a matter of not repeating the same thing for another 12 years.

 

I know you feel blindsided by this but there were plenty of signs that things weren’t what you thought. Number 1 being that the two of you dated for nearly 12 years. That’s just ridiculous unless the two of you already discussed never marrying. It’s also ridiculous that you would accept that from a man. The truth is, neither of you gave yourselves the chance to grow up because you got involved at too young of an age. That almost never works out because it limits each person’s life experiences.

 

There’s no question that you’ll always be significant to him. You’ll survive this, I promise. I know it hurts but once you get past this horrible pain, I hope you’ll look around and realize there’s a great big world out there waiting for you to see and experience it.