Should I believe him? What do you guys think?

[Ta222]

I was with him for a short time just about four months. At first it actually seemed like he was more attached to me and I was easing myself into it trying to be cautious a bit. He always treated me with respect and sometimes would spoil me with small gifts here and there, nothing major. He had me around his entire family multiple times for dinners, events, going to the lake, etc. I even saw his sister text him saying how happy she was he and I were together and he responded saying how happy he was too. It was him who said he wanted me to be his girl and be exclusive. Before me he wasn’t with anyone for about two years. He communicated with me at first and asked some decently important questions that led me to believe he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me. Like don’t you only do these things if you’re pretty sure you want to be in a committed relationship with someone?

 

Now during our relationship I noticed he wasn’t the greatest texter as most of us this day and age are and are attached to our phones like myself. The first few months he would text me every few hours while at work and was responsive after work. Then when he got back from a trip his work ramped up a ton. He was working 6 days a week most weeks with like 10 hour days. So this is when his texting became a lot slower. I wanted to be as understanding as I could be because I know how it is to be busy. Then this was a thing for a couple weeks. Then about a week and a half ago I went over to his place and he made dinner. He started talking about he really needs to do more self care with going to the gym again and eating healthy. He said that if he’s going to bust his ass at work he wants to make it for something and take care of himself. Kind of came out of left field but I respected it. So he started going to the gym a lot more after he left work at 7pm ish each night so I would only hear from him like twice a day average. Then last Saturday I didn’t hear from him at all which honestly kind of made me feel like ****.

 

I wrote him Sunday morning asking if he was okay. He said he’s okay and apologized for not texting me and said he ended up having to work that Saturday and just went to the gym and sleep after and apologized again. So I told him it’s okay I was just worried about you. He said he knows he’s been reclusive and it’s not fair to me but that he gets that way sometimes and just wants to make sure he’s being consistent with work and the gym. I said that’s fine I just want to understand you and be there for you but it doesn’t feel great to not hear from you at all. He said he knows that and it’s one of the other things that gets him down and over thinks a lot too because he said he always feels like he’s not doing enough. Then that night he asked me over for dinner he made and everything seemed fine. He fell asleep cuddling me all night.

 

So Tuesday comes and he texts me mid afternoon asking if I’d be down to grab dinner. I said okay although it did seem kind of weird. So we go to dinner and as he’s dropping me off home he said he doesn’t think he’s ready to be in a committed relationship like he thought he was. He said he’s just not emotionally available and won’t be able to give me the attention I deserve and be fully present and that’s going to get old. He said he wants to put his focus on work because he feels like he needs to be a certain way and prove to himself that he can do this and be successful. He said before I went through a year of doing just drugs and being dumb and now I don’t want to waste my twenties I need to put my all into this. He went on a tangent about himself and this for a few minutes. Then he said you know we’ve only been together four months and not trying to discount that because I enjoyed our time together but it’s better that I do this now instead of dragging it out. I told you as soon as I knew forsure I wouldn’t be ready for a committed relationship like I thought because I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and that’s not easy to come by. I told him I wish you knew you weren’t ready for to be in a relationship before I invested my time with you and he said he didn’t know he wasn’t going to be ready and was in a slightly different headspace than he was when we met. He said he went into this genuinely and never intended to hurt me and always tried to treat me like the princess I deserve to be treated as and spoiled me when he could like a man should. He said it could have been anyone and I would have said that I can’t be in a relationship so please do not think this is you or has anything to do with you because if I was do commit to a woman you’d pretty much be it you check off a lot of boxes and have a great head on your shoulders, I enjoy your mind and our conversations. He said I’ve talked to other people before you but never slept with anyone or dated anyone I didn’t know I was going to be like this until I got into a relationship.

 

I started to get a little bit upset because I felt blindsided. I said you look like you don’t give a **** and he said I know I look cold but I have a mask on and I’ve already had time to process this. I do have feelings for you I would have never gotten into a relationship with you if I didn’t. I said idk what you want from me like do you want to be friends or never speak again and he said we don’t have to decide right now but what do you want because I’d be your friend. I said if we’re saying we’re going to be friends I don’t want to be bs friends that say they are but never talk and he said well I probably won’t ever ask you to hangout because I don’t even hangout with friends I do have I just don’t care to really but if you text me I won’t ignore you or anything. And said you never pressured me or were clingy or anything And I appreciate that but just sometimes I want to spend a weekend alone and not do anything which seemed like a lot of the time honestly.

 

I gave him so much space a lot and idk what girl can tolerate and give him anymore space. He seemed like all he wanted was to be alone sometimes idk but when we were together in person he was great I just truly don’t know what happened. Should I believe him? I said are you lying to me and he said that’s a fair question but I’m not going to go date anyone, I don’t just do that I don’t just sleep with people either I’m just going to go about my days business as usual and go to work and the gym. I’m honestly hurt because I thought we took time to get to know each other and build a decent foundation and I just didn’t expect this. Was I the problem? Was it me he didn’t want to be with or does he just want to be alone by himself and is comfortable with that? I mean who doesn’t really hang out with their own friends. Sorry this was long guys I just wanted to let it all out there and any advice would be awesome. I really don’t know what to think He used to tell me all the time how wonderful and great he thought I was and I just don’t know what happened for him to change his mind or if he was telling the truth. I guess I should have known he was selfish a bit he always talked about work and all this stuff he needed to do and wanted to do to be successful like literally all the time about him idk.

Edited August 23, 2018 by Ta222

[Gaeta]

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak.

 

Yes of course you should believe him, as well as respect his wish. He was honest with you and didn't want to mislead you any longer. He took time to explain things to you face to face, that means he has a lot of respect for you. Most men nowadays would have simply slowly vanish. It's not important that he'll be dating others or not, the part you need to know is that he's not feeling it with you anymore. It hurts but it will pass and it'll get better.

 

Don't play friends with him please, it's the worse thing you can do after a break up. That will just keep your hopes up that he'll come back, he won't.

 

Under 6 months dating things can go south at anytime, it's the name of the game. I was dropped like an old shoe at 6 months without even a word of explanation. I moved on and found someone 100 times better.

 

 

 

 

.

[Ta222]

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak.

 

Yes of course you should believe him, as well as respect his wish. He was honest with you and didn't want to mislead you any longer. He took time to explain things to you face to face, that means he has a lot of respect for you. Most men nowadays would have simply slowly vanish. It's not important that he'll be dating others or not, the part you need to know is that he's not feeling it with you anymore. It hurts but it will pass and it'll get better.

 

Don't play friends with him please, it's the worse thing you can do after a break up. That will just keep your hopes up that he'll come back, he won't.

 

Under 6 months dating things can go south at anytime, it's the name of the game. I was dropped like an old shoe at 6 months without even a word of explanation. I moved on and found someone 100 times better.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

Thank you very much for your response. I guess because in the past I’ve been lied to before by someone I just questioned it. It just hurts that someone who wanted to be with me and even brought me home to Mom so to speak and hang around the family, etc I thought we both determined we already liked each other and wanted to be together. I don’t know why he wouldn’t feel it with me anymore it’s just so weird that he flipped like that as soon as work got really busy. For him to say he doesn’t do this often or bring people home to just flip it’s really confusing. Just the other night he made dinner for us and cuddled with me all night then two days later he ends things. I’ve always been the same person to him I don’t know what made him change his mind. Do you believe it really is just him wanting to focus on his career? He even said he’s skipping school this semester to focus on work. I also get confused with the cliché thing of it’s not you it’s me because he said he knows it’s cliché but to please understand that it’s not me.

 

I’m sorry you had to go through all of that before but it is nice to hear that you found someone much better! Why are relationship so volatile in the first six months?

[Gaeta]

Thank you very much for your response. I guess because in the past I’ve been lied to before by someone I just questioned it. It just hurts that someone who wanted to be with me and even brought me home to Mom so to speak and hang around the family, etc

I fully understand it. I had invited the man I was dating for dinner in my family around Xmas, he could have said no after all he had planned on leaving me a week later. Why he accepted to meet my entire family a week before breaking up is a total mystery to me.

 

The whys are not important. Knowing the real reason behind will not change the fact yesterday he was there and today he is not. Sometimes we think knowing the details would help but it doesn't, it brings more questions. Closure is something you have to find within yourself.

 

Do you believe it really is just him wanting to focus on his career?

No I don't. I think he realized he wasn't into you as much, or he met someone else or has someone else he'd like to pursue. He will not admit to it to save you from hurting further. I don't know any man that would drop a girlfriend he's into because he's busier.

 

I’m sorry you had to go through all of that before but it is nice to hear that you found someone much better! Why are relationship so volatile in the first six months?

OH for so many reasons. Mostly because when we start a brand new relationship we are smitten and all that dopamine traveling through our brain keeps us from seeing compatibility, flaws, and keeps us from seeing within ourselves if we're ready for a commitment, if we're liking the person for the right reasons, etc. When all that 'feel good' hormone settles down sometimes we're left with nothing to build on, other times it's the beginning of something solid.

 

 

 

 

.

[Zahara]

Like don’t you only do these things if you’re pretty sure you want to be in a committed relationship with someone?

 

Speaking from experience - meeting the parents, gifts, etc. isn't an indication of commitment. In the past and after many painful lessons, I learned not to focus on things like that because people have different boundaries and what may seem like important dating/relationship phases to us may seem very casual to another. I do feel that when one rushes the process, it usually doesn't end well. So no, all of what you mentioned isn't indicative of commitment.

 

Was I the problem? Was it me he didn’t want to be with or does he just want to be alone by himself and is comfortable with that? I mean who doesn’t really hang out with their own friends. Sorry this was long guys I just wanted to let it all out there and any advice would be awesome. I really don’t know what to think He used to tell me all the time how wonderful and great he thought I was and I just don’t know what happened for him to change his mind or if he was telling the truth. I guess I should have known he was selfish a bit he always talked about work and all this stuff he needed to do and wanted to do to be successful like literally all the time about him idk.

 

You weren't the problem. He sounds emotionally avoidant. I was in a relationship once with a man who always used gym and work to keep a distance from me. He was either losing interest in me or he was trying to build walls to manage his attachment to me. Could have been a combination of both seeing that his past was tainted with short, brief relationships. In any case, he is telling you he is emotionally unavailable. That's a flag you do not want to miss.

 

I’ve always been the same person to him I don’t know what made him change his mind. Do you believe it really is just him wanting to focus on his career? He even said he’s skipping school this semester to focus on work. I also get confused with the cliché thing of it’s not you it’s me because he said he knows it’s cliché but to please understand that it’s not me.

 

He's not interested in having a relationship. Regardless of his reasons, try not to question your worth or focus on what you think you may have done wrong. There is someone out there that is going to be consistent and fully invested in you one day. And no matter what they may be juggling, they're still going to make you a priority in their life.

 

Also, do not stay friends. "Friends" is usually used as an excuse to keep one foot in the door because we fear the reality of fully letting go. He may be able to do it because he is emotionally detached, you however will be hurt from it.

Edited August 23, 2018 by Zahara

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he realized he wasn't into you as much, or he met someone else or has someone else he'd like to pursue. He will not admit to it to save you from hurting further. I don't know any man that would drop a girlfriend he's into because he's busier.

 

Yes, I agree.

 

I don't doubt he's busier now than he was, OP, but people make time for what's important to them. Somewhere along the way, this guy lost interest. It's not your fault.

[Ta222]

Yes, I agree.

 

I don't doubt he's busier now than he was, OP, but people make time for what's important to them. Somewhere along the way, this guy lost interest. It's not your fault.

 

You guys are right. He had to have lost interest along the way. Perhaps his job took orecedent over everything else and just didn’t want to be in a relationship. I think he was always a little bit distant with me but I just thought he was taking things slowly per se. I blame myself when people lose interest because when they say you are a great catch and things like that but then let me go and let me go what feels like easily. It really hurts me. I asked him if he had feelings for me and he said of course he does he wouldn’t have been with me if he didn’t. I just don’t know how to not blame myself. I tried to take things slow and be cautious because of a horrible past experience and when I let my guard down this happened. It’s sad when someone just doesn’t want to be with you all of a sudden and is okay with not having you in their life. I hope he was being truthful with me. It feels worse when they leave you to date someone else. I didn’t know for him it was one or another or he had to be a certain way and in a certain position before being in a relationship especially if I’m great?

[coolheadal]

Thank you very much for your response. I guess because in the past I’ve been lied to before by someone I just questioned it. It just hurts that someone who wanted to be with me and even brought me home to Mom so to speak and hang around the family, etc I thought we both determined we already liked each other and wanted to be together. I don’t know why he wouldn’t feel it with me anymore it’s just so weird that he flipped like that as soon as work got really busy. For him to say he doesn’t do this often or bring people home to just flip it’s really confusing. Just the other night he made dinner for us and cuddled with me all night then two days later he ends things. I’ve always been the same person to him I don’t know what made him change his mind. Do you believe it really is just him wanting to focus on his career? He even said he’s skipping school this semester to focus on work. I also get confused with the cliché thing of it’s not you it’s me because he said he knows it’s cliché but to please understand that it’s not me.

 

I’m sorry you had to go through all of that before but it is nice to hear that you found someone much better! Why are relationship so volatile in the first six months?

 

When he told you how he wanted things you should really listen to the man. Can't get emotional involved with you. That means he's not really into the same where you want. No commitment means he has options and he's playing his options with you being an option as well. He can't help who he is some men are different and some will be with you doing the right thing. This guy can't and won't he like to have choices and he likes to be free to see whoever he wants to without being tied down to one woman like you.

[Gaeta]

I didn’t know for him it was one or another or he had to be a certain way and in a certain position before being in a relationship especially if I’m great?

 

 

I am sure it happened to you before. People are matching you up with a guy, he's perfect on paper but you just don't feel it after a while. It's something you cannot force. It has nothing to do with him right? it's all about you. It's the same for this ex-BF. It has nothing to do with you, it's all about him not developing love for you, it's out of his control.

 

 

 

He said he has feelings for you because he grew attached to you and he felt respect for the great woman you are but it's not enough. He needs to fall in love and it was not happening for him. Would you have wanted him to continue misleading you and break up 6 months or 1 year down the road? Of course not. He did right to break up with you.

[Ta222]

Speaking from experience - meeting the parents, gifts, etc. isn't an indication of commitment. In the past and after many painful lessons, I learned not to focus on things like that because people have different boundaries and what may seem like important dating/relationship phases to us may seem very casual to another. I do feel that when one rushes the process, it usually doesn't end well. So no, all of what you mentioned isn't indicative of commitment.

 

 

 

You weren't the problem. He sounds emotionally avoidant. I was in a relationship once with a man who always used gym and work to keep a distance from me. He was either losing interest in me or he was trying to build walls to manage his attachment to me. Could have been a combination of both seeing that his past was tainted with short, brief relationships. In any case, he is telling you he is emotionally unavailable. That's a flag you do not want to miss.

 

 

 

He's not interested in having a relationship. Regardless of his reasons, try not to question your worth or focus on what you think you may have done wrong. There is someone out there that is going to be consistent and fully invested in you one day. And no matter what they may be juggling, they're still going to make you a priority in their life.

 

Also, do not stay friends. "Friends" is usually used as an excuse to keep one foot in the door because we fear the reality of fully letting go. He may be able to do it because he is emotionally detached, you however will be hurt from it.

 

 

 

I guess that’s true. I think what confused me was that he told me he doesn’t bring people home to meet his family like that and have them invite me to dinners and stuff. Also they have me in their fantasy football league and idk how to get Out of that and get my money back. I confused this with him being interested in me and wanting to build something with me.

 

He does seem emotionally avoidant and very independent per se. He once told me he doesn’t really spend time with friends or anything the only people he wasn’t to see more often are his family and me. So somewhere down the line he picked work over being with me? He seemed more attached to me at first then kind of felt like he tried to manage that attachment like you mentioned. He used to say he would always do his best to make me happy and how wonderful I am to him. And yes his short relationships or lack of any relationship for two years I guess should say a lot. Wish he would have known he wasn’t interested in a committed relationship before he said he wanted to be with me exclusively.

 

I also think a lot of clues were there as far as him being into himself and his goals and what not over me. I may have ignored them or misinterpreted them because I thought we built a decent foundation before deciding to be exclusive with each other. I thought he wouldn’t give up so easily and would want to work it out. It is better that he told me now I guess but idk maybe I always knew he was somewhat selfish and wanting his freedom.

[Ta222]

I am sure it happened to you before. People are matching you up with a guy, he's perfect on paper but you just don't feel it after a while. It's something you cannot force. It has nothing to do with him right? it's all about you. It's the same for this ex-BF. It has nothing to do with you, it's all about him not developing love for you, it's out of his control.

 

 

 

He said he has feelings for you because he grew attached to you and he felt respect for the great woman you are but it's not enough. He needs to fall in love and it was not happening for him. Would you have wanted him to continue misleading you and break up 6 months or 1 year down the road? Of course not. He did right to break up with you.

 

 

Yes actually it has happened to me once. however I knew it before getting into a relationship with that person. Idk I thought he felt more than that just by the way he was with me in person. I felt a genuiness from him that I never received from anyone prior. He would literally just hold and hug me sometimes for a while and idk maybe I misinterpreted it all. However he was right that if he was going to be horrible at texting for the entire relationship that would get old for me and actually anyone I think.

[Gaeta]

Yes actually it has happened to me once. however I knew it before getting into a relationship with that person. Idk I thought he felt more than that just by the way he was with me in person. I felt a genuiness from him that I never received from anyone prior. He would literally just hold and hug me sometimes for a while and idk maybe I misinterpreted it all. However he was right that if he was going to be horrible at texting for the entire relationship that would get old for me and actually anyone I think.

 

 

I am sure it was genuine at the moment he felt it, but now the feeling is gone.

[Ta222]

I am sure it was genuine at the moment he felt it, but now the feeling is gone.

 

He just behaved that way two days prior and the week before that. That’s what throws me off.

 

I really appreciate you discussing this with me

[Zahara]

Also they have me in their fantasy football league and idk how to get Out of that and get my money back. I confused this with him being interested in me and wanting to build something with me.

 

Let the money go. Self-preservation is important.

 

So somewhere down the line he picked work over being with me? He seemed more attached to me at first then kind of felt like he tried to manage that attachment like you mentioned. He used to say he would always do his best to make me happy and how wonderful I am to him. And yes his short relationships or lack of any relationship for two years I guess should say a lot. Wish he would have known he wasn’t interested in a committed relationship before he said he wanted to be with me exclusively.

 

Picking work was an excuse he used to let you down easy.

 

The bold was your flag. They're usually running on high when they first meet you. It's fresh, it's new and the excitement is intoxicating. Then things start to settle. This is when they lose interest because these types thrive on the good feelings. The measure of a strong relationship is what comes after the honeymoon is over. This is why he cannot sustain long term. Once the honeymoon is over, the relationship is over. It is all very surface level emotions.

 

It is better that he told me now I guess but idk maybe I always knew he was somewhat selfish and wanting his freedom.

 

When you start seeing red flags or if you instincts are kicking, always pay close attention. It's usually always stirring you in the right direction. This is when you step back and you observe and decide if it is the right relationship/partner for you.

[Zahara]

He just behaved that way two days prior and the week before that. That’s what throws me off.

 

I really appreciate you discussing this with me

 

Cuddling two days before ending it with you isn't genuine. He already knew way ahead of time he was going to end it with you and he was likely already checked out. What he was doing was just masking it and pretending and acting as if everything was normal with you. Then he decided to pull the trigger and finally tell you.

[Ta222]

Cuddling two days before ending it with you isn't genuine. He already knew way ahead of time he was going to end it with you and he was likely already checked out. What he was doing was just masking it and pretending and acting as if everything was normal with you. Then he decided to pull the trigger and finally tell you.

 

I only think of that because when my ex before him was acting weird prior to the end of our relationship I didn’t even get that he was really distant would barely even kiss me. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me.. seems so interested and invested in me just bam switched. It’s very disheartening and makes me question myself. Getting comments about how great I am or what not from him just makes me feel worse cause obviously I’m not that great. But you are right he had to have been thinking about this for awhile. I tried to be cautious and only invest when I felt I was getting the same back and this still happens. Rejection stings really badly especially when I was catering to him and it was always about him and his wants. He’s got one hell of a mask. I just wish someone would regret letting me go or better yet decide not too.

[Zahara]

I only think of that because when my ex before him was acting weird prior to the end of our relationship I didn’t even get that he was really distant would barely even kiss me. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me.. seems so interested and invested in me just bam switched. It’s very disheartening and makes me question myself. Getting comments about how great I am or what not from him just makes me feel worse cause obviously I’m not that great. But you are right he had to have been thinking about this for awhile. I tried to be cautious and only invest when I felt I was getting the same back and this still happens. Rejection stings really badly especially when I was catering to him and it was always about him and his wants. He’s got one hell of a mask. I just wish someone would regret letting me go or better yet decide not too.

 

I know how you feel. I've been through it a few times. And after my last relationship with a very toxic man, I stayed single for many years because I was so tired of being hurt over and over again and I needed the time to just work on myself. Then a man came into my life and I was at a point where I wasn't really looking for someone. I was hesitant to let him in but I did and within a few months he did the same thing. I was so angry that he came into my life and caused me distress and after all those years of being on my own and being content, he came and messed it all up for me. Many months later, I met another man and we've been together for nearly two years. It was easy and there were no games. There were no red flags unlike my past relationships where I was spotting them pretty early on. Always pay attention to things that don't sit well with you.

 

This is where you believe in your own self-worth and know that this isn't about you. You just weren't compatible to him and you both were on very different pages. Rejection is hard and often we devalue ourselves when it happens. If he has had short relationships then you are likely just another candidate of his dysfunction. So, it's him rather than you.

 

The bold - Find balance. Sometimes we forget ourselves and cater to another because we're insecure and we're trying our level best to appease in order to be validated and accepted by someone. And then when they wrong us, we become bitter about how we did everything for them and we got nothing in return. Don't keep giving and appeasing -- you need to have boundaries.

[kendahke]

Getting comments about how great I am or what not from him just makes me feel worse cause obviously I’m not that great.

 

 

Don't tell yourself this. Consider the source---a guy who waited until the last minute to be honest with you about where he was in this. As was said earlier, he's had some time to get to this: you've had at the most days to wrap your head around this about face.

 

Rejection stings really badly especially when I was catering to him and it was always about him and his wants. He’s got one hell of a mask. I just wish someone would regret letting me go or better yet decide not too.

Going forward, never give up devotion like this until they've well established their consistency and have earned your devotion--just like they have to earn your respect.

 

 

Oh, he's going to regret letting you go sooner than you think. He may or may not reach out to you, but whatever it is that caused him to do this? When it falls through or things don't go exactly as he thought they would, he's going to try to fall back on that "friendship" and try to work his way back towards you on that. Be prepared for how you're going to handle it when he does.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with you. He chose to deal falsely with you, giving you the impression you were both going in one direction when he knew for some time that he was going in another direction.

[Desesperado]

So this guy made the effort, to meet you face to face, instead of texting breakup or ghosting, opened about all his projects and wanting to be successful in life, had long and tough conversation, really respecting you and telling you he's emotionally unavailable, why not believe him honestly ?

A man that doesn't care, will not meet face to face, tell you short crappy excuses not explain their hole life experiences and will just never bother, about you feeling insecure or hurt by that.

 

So I don't agree with all people here saying he was an ass or planned this, women change their minds too, are they automatically asses too !?

Dating is difficult and complicated, things don't always have to work and that's normal, why is there this need to stigmatize the guy, implying he wasn't brave or didn't breakup earlier or knew and profited the situation... You were also in this relationship, you can say no or argue stuff, life's complicated and believe it or not men also have feelings and we don't always understand them, shocker we aren't robots !

 

Maybe indeed he liked you first, but then realized that it wasn't working for any reason and that's life as much as it sucks for you.

But having myself been emotionally unavailable after a breakup and thinking I had recovered, I can relate to this guy's story. I dated and very nice woman, and it was only when it would become serious that I realized I wasn't ready and I felt awful for her, but you know what !?

A lot of men are brought up to be tough and not show weakness, so you seeing him as having no emotion, I likely as he said a facade, because it goes against his values to show vulnerability, we can debate if that's good or not, but this is still very real for a lot of men nowadays anyway.

 

I never assume understanding a woman's thoughts, because I'm a guy I'm wired differently and I'm no mind reader, why then so many women insist this guy was playing, there is no clear indication of that and the other way around, a woman might never understand the thoughts of a man, because you're not men and no mind readers either... This guy must be very lost I think !

Edited August 24, 2018 by Desesperado

[Whodatdog]

Theres no doubt that this is a quality guy and that he really liked you. It just wasnt enough to invest in an emotional relationship. Thats why we date, to see if that emotional bond can form. If it doesnt, it doesnt mean he didnt like you, he did. Just not as a relationship. I know it doesnt make you feel any better, but you really can't underestimate the importance of emotional attachment in a relationship.

[Ta222]

Theres no doubt that this is a quality guy and that he really liked you. It just wasnt enough to invest in an emotional relationship. Thats why we date, to see if that emotional bond can form. If it doesnt, it doesnt mean he didnt like you, he did. Just not as a relationship. I know it doesnt make you feel any better, but you really can't underestimate the importance of emotional attachment in a relationship.

 

Do you think he’s emotionally unavailable? He seemed fine up until a few weeks ago and coincidentally when his job required more of him it’s like he picked that as his top priority instead of me. He seemed into me and I mean I thought he wanted this with me since he brought me home to his family multiple times, and wanted me to be his girl. He always seemed a little bit distant though and not really compromising his routine then had this epiphany to do work and at least practice his version of self care. He decided to even skip school this semester to focus on work. He told me he doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t really hang out with them. I thought we were forming an emotional bond idk just the way he would hold me like he would hug me for no reason but just to hold me for period of time and would always cuddle me in a way I’ve never had before. He used to text me whenever we left a date or something and tell he how great and wonderful he thought I was and then I haven’t heard that from him the last couple weeks. When he didn’t even talk to me at all last Saturday when he worked again I was really confused and he said sometimes he just wants to spend a weekend alone.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and give me your thoughts.

[Ta222]

So this guy made the effort, to meet you face to face, instead of texting breakup or ghosting, opened about all his projects and wanting to be successful in life, had long and tough conversation, really respecting you and telling you he's emotionally unavailable, why not believe him honestly ?

A man that doesn't care, will not meet face to face, tell you short crappy excuses not explain their hole life experiences and will just never bother, about you feeling insecure or hurt by that.

 

So I don't agree with all people here saying he was an ass or planned this, women change their minds too, are they automatically asses too !?

Dating is difficult and complicated, things don't always have to work and that's normal, why is there this need to stigmatize the guy, implying he wasn't brave or didn't breakup earlier or knew and profited the situation... You were also in this relationship, you can say no or argue stuff, life's complicated and believe it or not men also have feelings and we don't always understand them, shocker we aren't robots !

 

Maybe indeed he liked you first, but then realized that it wasn't working for any reason and that's life as much as it sucks for you.

But having myself been emotionally unavailable after a breakup and thinking I had recovered, I can relate to this guy's story. I dated and very nice woman, and it was only when it would become serious that I realized I wasn't ready and I felt awful for her, but you know what !?

A lot of men are brought up to be tough and not show weakness, so you seeing him as having no emotion, I likely as he said a facade, because it goes against his values to show vulnerability, we can debate if that's good or not, but this is still very real for a lot of men nowadays anyway.

 

I never assume understanding a woman's thoughts, because I'm a guy I'm wired differently and I'm no mind reader, why then so many women insist this guy was playing, there is no clear indication of that and the other way around, a woman might never understand the thoughts of a man, because you're not men and no mind readers either... This guy must be very lost I think !

 

 

After reading your response and him telling me he’s emotionally unavailable and wouldn’t be able to give me 100% going forward it got me thinking maybe he was emotionally unavailable the whole time and didn’t realize it. He seemed to always keep me at a slight distance and keeps everyone else at a distance as well. Up until a few weeks ago he was more vocal with me and then I think he sees this opportunity for work and his goals and that took all of his interest and time and lost interest in me? I can truly say I really believed he liked me a lot it’s these last couple weeks that we’re confusing because if you like someone wouldn’t you do anything to keep them or does it not always work like that? Especially with someone being emotionally unavailable?

 

It kind of makes it hurt worse when they tell you you check off all the boxes and if there was a woman I’d commit to it’d be you and I enjoy your mind and our conversations etc but then are okay with letting you go. I’m not sure how emotional unavailability works for lack of a better term but like you mentioned you thought you were ready and realized you weren’t kind of like what he said but he seemed to want to invest in me before. Like that’s why I’m thinking maybe it was me and something I did to make him lose interest in our relationship. I thought we took the time to get to know each other and build a decent foundation and he even told me he doesn’t bring anyone to meet his family so I thought that was a big deal for him.

 

As for maybe not believing him I think for me personally it goes back to past experiences and being told one thing to find out later it was a complete lie. When you are being told something that sounds cliché a bit although you are right he did explain a lot to me which shows something. And when I asked him if he was lying he said that was a fair question but that he isn’t going to go date anyone he is going to keep doing his work and self care which means he’s gone from 8am to like 9pm most days.

[Desesperado]

You know, it's a difficult balance I've lived this too, I needed to work a lot and suddenly when the woman contacted me, I realized I didn't think of her so much and that being tired I just wanted to be by myself, rather than with her ! But would you rather have a guy obsessed with you, that can't work because he has to text you regularly !? Even I'm not so sure anymore what's healthy or not, in the thinking about people department !

 

Could be he didn't like you enough, can also be emotional unavailability, but what difference does it make for you, this relationship cannot continue even if you can see the person is great and ticks boxes.

 

See the bright side here, I think he was honest he didn't string you along so he respects you, why dwell on the negative, that's telling you how good you are !

Also if like I think he is unavailable, if that ever changes and he still has you in his mind, you'll be hearing from him, but for this to be possible you now need to accept it and go no contact on your side, move on with your life improve and have fun.

Edited August 25, 2018 by Desesperado

[Ta222]

You know, it's a difficult balance I've lived this too, I needed to work a lot and suddenly when the woman contacted me, I realized I didn't think of her so much and that being tired I just wanted to be by myself, rather than with her ! But would you rather have a guy obsessed with you, that can't work because he has to text you regularly !? Even I'm not so sure anymore what's healthy or not, in the thinking about people department !

 

Could be he didn't like you enough, can also be emotional unavailability, but what difference does it make for you, this relationship cannot continue even if you can see the person is great and ticks boxes.

 

See the bright side here, I think he was honest he didn't string you along so he respects you, why dwell on the negative, that's telling you how good you are !

Also if like I think he is unavailable, if that ever changes and he still has you in his mind, you'll be hearing from him, but for this to be possible you now need to accept it and go no contact on your side, move on with your life improve and have fun.

 

You’re right that balance is hard. He even asknowledge going forward he won’t be able to match my effort or give me the attention I need and said that would probably get old for me very quickly. But then again idk if that was his way of sabotaging it or truthful. Maybe I should have seen the signs him not being ready like him saying he isn’t even remotely ready for marriage and things like that. I just figured if he wanted be exclusive and have me a part of his family he would have liked to build something I don’t know.

 

Everything seemed fine up until maybe like ten days prior. He even had me for dinner to meet more family. We were supposed to go on a trip early this month and he said last minute he didn’t think it was a good time to take off of work. He knew it disappointed me so he apologized and changed that dates to what was supposed to be this weekend. Then after that he invited me over and made dinner for us and started talking about how if he’s going to be working this hard he needs to really take care of himself by getting back to the gym 5-6 days a week like he used to and eating decently etc. This is around those 10 days before we broke up and I wouldn’t hear from him as much. I mean mostly all he would talk about is work and what he feels he needs to do to get to where he wants to be. He even recently wrote $1,000,000 on his mirror as his goal.

 

I texted him last Sunday saying that he worried me cause I didn’t hear from him the whole day. He apologized and said he knows he’s been reclusive but he’s just trying to stay consistent with work and gym and he’s been getting in his head thinking he’s not doing enough at work and knows how I feel with him being like that so he gets down on that too. I go to dinner again that night and he seemed fine with me, we made dinner and desert together and he fell asleep cuddling and holding me. Then Tuesday when we broke up he did mention he’s been distant and has thought about this for a little and that I’ve never been clingy or pressuring and he appreciates that but sometimes he said he just wants to spend the weekend or night alone. So I don’t know if he didn’t like me enough or if it was the emotional unavailability? What do you truly think? It makes a difference to me in how I process things although it’s not changing the end result.

 

I’m doing my best to just keep it moving so to speak but I feel sad. It’s still fresh for me. He had more time to process it and I kind of was shocked. I’m so scared he’s just gonna turn around and go on bumble and find and talk to someone else even though he specifically said he was not going to do that. It shows someone’s distance when they have been active so it gave me some anxiety last night. I know he didn’t string me along which even he said I should at least appreciate that which I mean I do.

Edited August 25, 2018 by Ta222

[Whodatdog]

Do you think he’s emotionally unavailable? He seemed fine up until a few weeks ago and coincidentally when his job required more of him it’s like he picked that as his top priority instead of me. He seemed into me and I mean I thought he wanted this with me since he brought me home to his family multiple times, and wanted me to be his girl. He always seemed a little bit distant though and not really compromising his routine then had this epiphany to do work and at least practice his version of self care. He decided to even skip school this semester to focus on work. He told me he doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t really hang out with them. I thought we were forming an emotional bond idk just the way he would hold me like he would hug me for no reason but just to hold me for period of time and would always cuddle me in a way I’ve never had before. He used to text me whenever we left a date or something and tell he how great and wonderful he thought I was and then I haven’t heard that from him the last couple weeks. When he didn’t even talk to me at all last Saturday when he worked again I was really confused and he said sometimes he just wants to spend a weekend alone.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and give me your thoughts.

 

I dont think people are emotionally unavailable, for the most part. I think they are unavailable until they meet someone they want to be available to. Its hard to determine how emotionally someone is into you. As far as bringing you home with him, or getting together physically...that really doesnt require emotional involvement. Likely he just realized the relationship wasnt progressing for him. Its nice that he told you how wonderful you are, but if he's not putting the relationship high in importance, then its just talk.

 

Its great that he was telling you how much he liked you, and Im positive that he did like you a lot. Its just thats not necessarily enough to form a deeper relationship.

Edited August 25, 2018 by Whodatdog