Right person , wrong time

[Confsedgirl]

I met a great guy but his situation wasn’t ideal. We were work colleagues and after a few months of working together we became friendly and fell in love. He was broken up from his wife but only recently told the kids and living with his sister. He got his own place to rent and we started dating and he met my family and I met his (not kids but other family) his ex didn’t know about us and he said it was too soon and that she wouldn’t accept it and as they didn’t have custody agreementex in place she would use the kids as weapons. We continued our relationship until the odd fight caused by me being frustrated about not being able to meet his kids and him not being honest with his ex forced him to ask me for a break .. this was 3 months ago. He said he needed to fix his mess and the separation once and for all starting with sorting out the house that he was paying for and she was still living with and then follow the divorce. By then I had just got a new job and he said while I concentrate on my job he will concentrate on getting his life fixed, being there for his kids and get to a clean slate before we could move forward. We were together nine months and had already talked about me wanting kids (I am 10 years younger , never married and no kids) and we even talked about him getting a vasectomy reversal. Fast forward at end of break period (3 months) not a lot was sorted, delays with sorting out the house etc. but I’m these 3 months we grew apart, I felt abandoned and neglected and he wasn’t making efforts to see me. He said we could start building the relationship to where it was before the break and get things back on track and then before we started he did a 180. Basically we had a argument and I started crying and saying that I feel like I may as well be single ecc. and he said I think it’s best that we go out separate ways. This was all by text. I was heartbroken and didn’t want to believe it was true as had been through so much together. He said he was sorry but he just didn’t have the nerves anymore. After a few days of speaking everyday he mentioned the words “putting things on ice “ as if to say there was hope and when I pushed him to say what he wanted he said “I hopefully to fix this, get my life back and move forward and maybe find each other again” when I asked if he could change his mind about breaking up he said “I probably could, but I can’t ask u to put your life’s on him;, if you meet someone then you meet someone, I want you to be with someone you deserve”.

After 2 weeks of speaking every day on phone after the break up and going backwards and forwards he said it’s best if we give each other some space and will be good for the 2 of us. His last message to me was “I’m sorry, I’m struggling to afford everything at the moment, I’m going to need to mow back to my sisters or with a friend, I’m embarrassed and want to sort my life out first. I can’t move forward with my life until I sort this out , sorry x” and I said not be embarrassed and that even though it’s hard for me.i understand he needs time and space. And that was it. NC since then for last 10 days and it’s torturing me. I still love him deeply and he told me he still loves me too but I’m conflicted. He’s not asked me to wait and told me if I meet someone that’s ok. But at same time he says it’s on ice at the moment. Is he selfish or can I just not understand what he’s going through. Is there hope and should I hold on or not. We’ve never gone one day without speaking this feels like cold turkey.

[d0nnivain]

Your title says it all. He's not in a place to have a relationship now. All you can do is accept that.

[Zahara]

It’s unfair to put you on hold, therefore listen to what he’s saying. He’s telling you to move on. Pay attention to those words. The timing isn’t right. In the future, stay away or be very cautious about dating people that are still carrying emotional baggage from an unresolved ending/relationship. Most times they are nearly nowhere close to forging a new relationship. He’s still separated - he has much to go through before he’s emotionally available to date.

[FMW]

He doesn't feel good about himself or his situation. Guys can't put attention into a relationship when they are dealing with that inner turmoil, it only adds to the pressure and stress.

 

We women usually pull closer in our relationships when we're dealing with turmoil so it's hard for us to understand that is just NOT the way men work.

 

Give him the space he needs and concentrate on you and your own life. Maybe you can reconnect on down the line, but right now trying to hold on to him is just going to push him away, you'll just become another source of stress and turmoil.

 

You (or me or anyone) shouldn't have to try so hard to stay in someone's life.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's in no place to be in a relationship right now, as he recognizes. And he may not be for a long while yet. He's really just at the beginning of sorting out the next part of his life, and he will face many changes and hurdles in the months to come. Having a relationship doesn't fit anywhere in that picture.

 

Given that he has essentially told you to move on, you really should heed that advice and do so. He is not selfish; he simply knows he can't give you what you are looking for and doesn't want to hold you back from finding someone who can.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Divorce - to many of us - is the equivalent of jumping feet first into a meat grinder and coming out the bottom looking and feeling like an exhausted, beat up, shredded version of your former self. Even in the most amicable of splits.

 

He is trying to put his life back together and recognizes that he just can't spare any more of himself. It's not that he doesn't or didn't care for you. He just has nothing more to give right now and setting you free is removing one stressor from his life.

 

Read the book "Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce". It may give you some insight as to why he needs this break.

 

Take care.