Is There Hope I Might Get back With Her?

[Epythamus]

I'll try to make this post as short and less boring as I can.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I met back in late September and our friendship quickly developed; we talked everyday, tagged each other in memes and stuff and flirted and all that up until November 17th. That's when we got in a relationship.

 

Fast forward to March, the month we broke up in (we dated for 5 months). It was mostly due to lack of communication and all and we have literally not spoken to each other for a couple of days before the breakup happened. To my surprise, she didn't block anywhere.

 

I decided to initiate NC with her, so I waited a couple of months and I hit her up. This happened on May 31st, exactly. I told her that I missed and that I want her to be my first and last gf and all that.

 

Everything went pretty great for a week. We spoke a lot, joked, laughed, tagged each other in memes again. Until after that week, she gradually changed and started acting cold and distant. I had no idea why because I couldn't think of anything I said or did that turned her that way.

 

I decided to initiate NC again and talked to her a month later. She's responsive but still a tad bit cold.

 

What should I do? I still have feelings for her and I want her back. I tried so hard to get over her, but I couldn't.

EDIT: What confuses me about her is that she didn't remove the nicknames we gave each other on Facebook Messenger during the relationship. She gave me the nickname "Soulmate". The thing is, the nicknames appear whenever we message each other, so even though she sees them, she didn't bother herself to change them.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Epythamus
added some clarifications

[ExpatInItaly]

A few questions before giving further thoughts:

 

Why had you two not spoken for a couple days leading to the breakup? I gather she was the one who ended it?

[Epythamus]

A few questions before giving further thoughts:

 

Why had you two not spoken for a couple days leading to the breakup? I gather she was the one who ended it?

 

Lack of communication. Prior to not talking, we kind of had a bunch of small fight that kept ramping up and we ended up not bothering ourselves with saving our relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Lack of communication. Prior to not talking, we kind of had a bunch of small fight that kept ramping up and we ended up not bothering ourselves with saving our relationship.

 

Meaning what, though? You weren't speaking because you were mad at each other? Or?

 

What were these small fights about?

[Epythamus]

Meaning what, though? You weren't speaking because you were mad at each other? Or?

 

What were these small fights about?

 

Yeah, because we were mad at each other. Honestly, I have a faint memory of the fights because, as I said, they were small ones.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, because we were mad at each other. Honestly, I have a faint memory of the fights because, as I said, they were small ones.

 

Do you remember why you were mad at each other on that occasion?

 

It sounds to me like the break-up was probably a combination of whatever issues were at the root of these fights, poor communication and perhaps just general fading interest on her part. That's a lot of roadblocks for a relationship that was so short.

 

The unfortunate news is that since she's not been all that receptive to keeping communication going, reconciliation probably isn't in the cards.

[preraph]

Well, plus he's disappearing for a month at a time and then expecting her to be glad he contacted her. Then they get together for a week, and the same lack of interest on her part comes right back. It's not going to happen. NC doesn't mean block someone for a month and then contact them, by the way. It means stop contacting or leaving the door open so you can move on.

[Ralph79]

I'll try to make this post as short and less boring as I can.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I met back in late September and our friendship quickly developed; we talked everyday, tagged each other in memes and stuff and flirted and all that up until November 17th. That's when we got in a relationship.

 

Fast forward to March, the month we broke up in (we dated for 5 months). It was mostly due to lack of communication and all and we have literally not spoken to each other for a couple of days before the breakup happened. To my surprise, she didn't block anywhere.

 

I decided to initiate NC with her, so I waited a couple of months and I hit her up. This happened on May 31st, exactly. I told her that I missed and that I want her to be my first and last gf and all that.

 

Everything went pretty great for a week. We spoke a lot, joked, laughed, tagged each other in memes again. Until after that week, she gradually changed and started acting cold and distant. I had no idea why because I couldn't think of anything I said or did that turned her that way.

 

I decided to initiate NC again and talked to her a month later. She's responsive but still a tad bit cold.

 

What should I do? I still have feelings for her and I want her back. I tried so hard to get over her, but I couldn't.

EDIT: What confuses me about her is that she didn't remove the nicknames we gave each other on Facebook Messenger during the relationship. She gave me the nickname "Soulmate". The thing is, the nicknames appear whenever we message each other, so even though she sees them, she didn't bother herself to change them.

 

Man your post gave me a reality check. I am getting old.

 

At what point did tagging each other on memes, maintaining FBMessenger Nicknames, not blocking on social media , become parameters to gauge relationships ?

 

Epythamus, don't worry about the so called "boring" details. Could you elaborate a little more about your relationship ?

 

What was so great about her ?

What did you guys do together PHYSICALLY that was so incredible?

What made her special to you?

What made you special to her?

What exactly where the fights about?

 

What do you NOT like about her?

What does she NOT like about you?

 

Is it possible that whatever led to the "small fights" that snowballed into your breakup started surfacing after the week you got in touch with her?

 

Without further details any advice will probably end up being inaccurate.

 

Don't make things short and less boring. Don't do this:

"She broke up with me, I asked for another chance, she said no. Is it over?"

- Uhm... yes (I guess).

[d0nnivain]

You are playing games. You don't talk to somebody then cut them off & give them the silent treatment if you want to repair what is wrong in a relationship. Reconciliation takes work from both people & on going communication. Going silent then popping back up bespeaks of instability.

 

 

Either get back together & do the work to fix what's wrong or leave her alone. This back & forth business is insane. For that alone I'd never speak to you again.

[Epythamus]

What was so great about her ?

What did you guys do together PHYSICALLY that was so incredible?

What made her special to you?

What made you special to her?

What exactly where the fights about?

 

What do you NOT like about her?

What does she NOT like about you?

 

Is it possible that whatever led to the "small fights" that snowballed into your breakup started surfacing after the week you got in touch with her?

1- Everything was great about her. Her eyes, smile, the way she talked, the way she said certain words, her personality...

2- You know, simple stuff, holding hands, hugging, and since she was my first, I'd say kissing.

3- Everything. Especially the fact she's the kind of person I felt comfortable being around and being myself. She wasn't judgmental.

4- I don't precisely remember.

5- How she's acting towards me right now. I know I'm her ex and all that, but still, we had a great time during these 5 months.

6- I wish I knew. If I knew, getting her back would have been much easier.

[marky00]

You are playing games. You don't talk to somebody then cut them off & give them the silent treatment if you want to repair what is wrong in a relationship. Reconciliation takes work from both people & on going communication. Going silent then popping back up bespeaks of instability.

 

 

Either get back together & do the work to fix what's wrong or leave her alone. This back & forth business is insane. For that alone I'd never speak to you again.

 

In fairness, its sounds like the BU was a mutual split initially due to the fights. They both went full NC, she could have contacted him if she wanted to. He reaches out, intended to maintain communication but she starting acting cold.

 

I'm not following why your saying the OP went silent? He's going silent now and rightfully so because she doesn't seem interested.

 

I get your saying he is playing games because he sort of entered NC maybe with the idea he could get her back eventually. But going NC was still the right move regardless because she never contacted him either. The fights and poor communication led to the necessary period of NC. The fact he had some vague ideas of a possible reconciliation isn't a major crime in that scenario.

Edited August 21, 2018 by marky00

[Epythamus]

In fairness, its sounds like the BU was a mutual split initially due to the fights. They both went full NC, she could have contacted him if she wanted to. He reaches out, intended to maintain communication but she starting acting cold.

 

I'm not following why your saying the OP went silent? He's going silent now and rightfully so because she doesn't seem interested.

 

You understand. I didn't want to force a conversation and end up looking needy and desperate, so I initiate the NC and try again.

[marky00]

You understand. I didn't want to force a conversation and end up looking needy and desperate, so I initiate the NC and try again.

 

Yeah, that's the way I interpreted it. But from her point of view, she was probably convinced you were done for good also.

 

Anyway, despite handling the post BU very well, she is still acting cold so for whatever reason, she lost feelings, probably before you had those fights. At least you can say it wasn't because you acted needy after the breakup

[Epythamus]

Yeah, that's the way I interpreted it. But from her point of view, she was probably convinced you were done for good also.

 

Anyway, despite handling the post BU very well, she is still acting cold so for whatever reason, she lost feelings, probably before you had those fights. At least you can say it wasn't because you acted needy after the breakup

It's even sad to think she lost feelings during the relationship.

Do you think it's possible to reignite the feelings? If yes, then how?

The fact she didn't change the nicknames still gives me some hope.

[d0nnivain]

You understand. I didn't want to force a conversation and end up looking needy and desperate, so I initiate the NC and try again.

 

Are you kidding? NC doesn't work like that. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Falling in love is risky. If you want her back you have to talk to her & tell her that. Then the 2 of you have to work together to solve whatever went wrong. The fact that it went wrong after 150 days tells me there is not much worth salvaging.

 

 

Marky00 this is how I understood the time line:

 

September 2017 they meet & are friends

 

November 2017 they start dating

 

March 2018 they break up after not talking for several days

 

He starts 2 months of

NC

(but not really because he's still connected to her on social media enough to know she didn't block him & that she is still using pet names)

 

a week later she goes cold & he goes back to

NC

 

May 31, 2018 he reaches out

 

week later, she goes cold, he goes back to

NC

 

now it's mid August & he's thinking about reaching out again.

 

Back & forth. Back & forth with zero discussions about what went wrong or how to fix it. At this point the disappearing / reappearing act is old. Cut it out & move on already. You have now been broken up as long as you were dating. What does that tell you?

[marky00]

Yeah i get the timeline but your making it sound like its all on him. She has absolutely done nothing constructive either. Despite entering NC for non-optimal reasons, he still did reach out. This is his first relationship, not a bad effort for a first innings

 

My guess is his gut instinct told him something wasn't right and he started walking on egg shells. All good and well to say you have to communicate but she hasn't been interested.

 

Pretty certain she checked out before the fights and that was probably just some gas lighting. Yes the OP implemented NC for possibly the wrong reasons but in the end, its looks like it was the correct choice because he has salvaged his dignity to some extent (provided he can go NC for good in the not too distant future).

[d0nnivain]

It's not all on him. But he's the one making partial attempts to fix this. If he wants to fix it, he needs to take the risk. I doubt she'll be receptive & that is why she goes cold. I want him to stop beating a dead horse.

[marky00]

It's not all on him. But he's the one making partial attempts to fix this. If he wants to fix it, he needs to take the risk. I doubt she'll be receptive & that is why she goes cold. I want him to stop beating a dead horse.

 

Oh for sure, it seems his gut instincts were right ... hence the walking on egg shells.

 

I personally think he's done more than enough already. Any "risk" taken will likely just push her away further.

 

Can't really think of any moves he could try to be honest. Maybe could say he is entering NC for himself now. At least that removes the question of game playing and might gain some type of a reaction. But if I was him, I don't even think I could stomach that.

[Ralph79]

For the sake of context OP ,

 

Could you tell us how old both of you are?

 

Secondly, I agree with what d0nnivain said: "Absence does not make the heart grow fonder."

 

You go NC for the sake of removing all remnants of the relationship that will detract from your healing process after a breakup. You don't apply NC for the sake of "making her miss you".

 

The whole "180" approach, in my opinion at least, is not a way to MAKE your ex-partner want you again. If a relationship didn't work out, acting the complete opposite with her won't make her magically love you again. It's not as black and white. The whole point [again in MY personal opinion] is to distance yourself , not for the sake of making her miss you, but for the sake of having the peace of mind to re-establish your self-worth from within. A lot of people get neglected or worse abused in relationships to the point were they lose themselves. They forget that they have intrinsic value , way beyond what their partners thinks of them. It is once they rediscover that value, that they realize they will no longer put up with BS. That is when their partners (or Ex-Partners) suddenly see a newfound value in them, and want them again.

 

Yes, I think it's possible she could have feelings for you again. But it seems you have lost all value in her eyes. Maybe the relationship didn't develop as she expected it to, so trying to do the exact same things you did when you had 5 months of pure happiness won't work anymore.

 

Don't forget that a key aspect in all relationships is personal growth by both parties.

 

I applaud your efforts for trying to save that relationship. The fact that you are posting here and the fact that you have reached out to her as marky00 has stated proves that you are doing your part. That doesn't mean however that it will be enough to win her back.

 

You still haven't figured out what pissed her off. Perhaps it's because you don't listen to her or don't pay attention to her want/needs.

[marky00]

It didn't sound to me that his primary reason for NC was to make her miss him. Yes it does sounds like he read some Corey Wayne but it is his first BU. However, given the fact they had fights and poor communication, it sounded to me like he also went NC to just minimise further damage. Fact is she was obviously checked out already so had he not entered NC, he most likely would have pushed her away further. So as I said before, his reasons for going NC may have been off but ultimately in this case, going NC at that time appears it was the right choice.

 

If they were fighting and had poor communication, he really had no hope at talking things out at that point. Sounds like he pulled himself together, found his feet somewhat and decided he would reach out to her. Yes its possible he had an intention from early on to contact her but it sounds like he eventually did so spontaneously and when he was feeling stronger.

 

Of course if the OP had conjured all this up under some get-my-ex-back-corey-wayne formula, the OP can confirm this for us. Yes this may have been in the back of his mind but to me, it sounds like his decisions to reach out were somewhat spontaneous and guided by when he felt better.

[Epythamus]

It didn't sound to me that his primary reason for NC was to make her miss him. Yes it does sounds like he read some Corey Wayne but it is his first BU. However, given the fact they had fights and poor communication, it sounded to me like he also went NC to just minimise further damage. Fact is she was obviously checked out already so had he not entered NC, he most likely would have pushed her away further. So as I said before, his reasons for going NC may have been off but ultimately in this case, going NC at that time appears it was the right choice.

 

If they were fighting and had poor communication, he really had no hope at talking things out at that point. Sounds like he pulled himself together, found his feet somewhat and decided he would reach out to her. Yes its possible he had an intention from early on to contact her but it sounds like he eventually did so spontaneously and when he was feeling stronger.

 

Of course if the OP had conjured all this up under some get-my-ex-back-corey-wayne formula, the OP can confirm this for us. Yes this may have been in the back of his mind but to me, it sounds like his decisions to reach out were somewhat spontaneous and guided by when he felt better.

I honestly was not following any guide. However, you are right about my decision being guided by a better "me". I only decided to talk to her again when I'm least emotionally unstable because I wanted to talk to her with a clear mind and emotion to avoid ruining any chance I might have. No matter how dim it is.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm sorry Epythamus, but you are just wasting your time here. She might be open to being friends but it doesn't sound like she is interested in getting back together.

 

If it is this difficult to make a relationship work, it is usually a sign that this person isn't right for you.

[marky00]

I honestly was not following any guide. However, you are right about my decision being guided by a better "me". I only decided to talk to her again when I'm least emotionally unstable because I wanted to talk to her with a clear mind and emotion to avoid ruining any chance I might have. No matter how dim it is.

 

Yeah that's what I thought. A reasonable strategy. I think you handled it well, especially for your first BU.

[Epythamus]

Yeah that's what I thought. A reasonable strategy. I think you handled it well, especially for your first BU.

 

I appreciate what you said. Thank you!