How do you know when it's time?

[MarmaladeSkies4]

How do you know the difference between feeling negative/being in a bad mood and therefore concentrating on the bad things in the relationship, and recognising that it's time to break up?

 

We've been together 5 years so it's not something I can easily throw away. How can I know for sure that it's not working any more and this isn't just me being pessimistic and having doubts that are usual in a relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

What are the doubts you're having?

[MarmaladeSkies4]

What are the doubts you're having?

 

I'm very snippy with him all the time. I get annoyed about the questions he asks. I don't want to ever engage in conversation with him. I seem to view him as just an interruption to whatever I'm doing like watching tv or whatever.

 

Also he is a very needy, dependent person and I am not. The fact that everything is constantly "us" and "we" and he can't seem to do anything himself frustrates me.

 

I don't mean he doesn't do his own washing or whatever, I mean things like if he wants to go for a walk on a Sunday afternoon and I don't feel like it, he gets mad and nags me until I change my mind. Why can't he go for a walk on his own?

 

If he needs to go shopping to buy something, "we" have to go shopping, even if I don't want or need to it's like we're joined at the hip.

 

My doubts are - is this because we aren't compatible anymore or because I'm being negative and difficult?

[ExpatInItaly]

Also he is a very needy, dependent person and I am not. The fact that everything is constantly "us" and "we" and he can't seem to do anything himself frustrates me.

 

I don't mean he doesn't do his own washing or whatever, I mean things like if he wants to go for a walk on a Sunday afternoon and I don't feel like it, he gets mad and nags me until I change my mind. Why can't he go for a walk on his own?

 

If he needs to go shopping to buy something, "we" have to go shopping, even if I don't want or need to it's like we're joined at the hip.

 

Here's your answer. You clearly feel smothered. It does get exhausting to feel like your partner cannot respect your need for a little space. I would assume that he senses you are agitated, which makes him even more anxious and clingy rather than backing off and giving you some breathing room.

 

But I am curious to know, has he always been like this? How often does he socialize or pursue his own interests, independent of you? How old are you both?

[MarmaladeSkies4]

Here's your answer. You clearly feel smothered. It does get exhausting to feel like your partner cannot respect your need for a little space. I would assume that he senses you are agitated, which makes him even more anxious and clingy rather than backing off and giving you some breathing room.

 

But I am curious to know, has he always been like this? How often does he socialize or pursue his own interests, independent of you? How old are you both?

 

Yes, I get frustrated with him so he worries that I don't like him any more and gets even more clingy - a vicious circle! So my question is, is this something we can fix (which seems like him or me needing to fundamentally change who we are as people so probably not?) Or admit that we just aren't working anymore?

 

He has always been like this but I think as the lovey-dovey initial stages have worn off I notice it more. We're both 25.

 

We're buying a house together and obviously marriage will be on the cards eventually, this is what's prompted me to question everything. Do I want to make such a massive commitment, ie getting a mortgage together? And when I imagine him proposing to me, my initial reaction isn't a resounding yes...

[Gretchen12]

I think you grew apart from him. You were only 20 when the relationship started. At that time you did not mind being with him all the time. You went along with that. I'm not necessarily saying that you were not being your true self, but that maybe you didn't know yourself well or you've simple grown up and came into your own as a woman. You can assert yourself and talk to him about making changes (as he also needs to grow), but do it politely and rationally, not emotionally.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with Gretchen.

 

You seem to have outgrown the relationship, which is not unusual given your age and the length of the relationship. I was in your shoes, right around your age, with someone I too had dated for 5 years. He was a good guy, ultimately, but I was in no way ready to settle down and the thought of him proposing (which he had mentioned a couple times) provoked an uneasy and anxious feeling rather than one of happiness or excitement.

 

I knew then what I had to do.

[MarmaladeSkies4]

Thanks Gus, this has been a big help!

[d0nnivain]

When the bad / negative outweighs the good / happy, it's over. If you felt the way you do for 1 day or a few hours, it's you being negative. When you are snippy all the time & avoid engaging it's time to reassess.

 

 

After 10 years of marriage I am still happy to see my husband at the end of the day. I watched him sleep for a few minutes this morning & thought about how lucky I am. Last week when he was walking in to the restaurant to meet me for lunch I got all tingly thinking about how sexy he is. That is a good relationship I hope you go find your own version.

[CKJD]

A lot of great suggestions here and, as usual, I find d0nnivain's logic to be spot on and I'm very happy that she can provide a great example of a successful relationship.

 

But I may differ with her slightly here, in terms of whether you should give up on your fella or not, OP.

 

But first, to answer your question about when you know it's time to go (incoming opinion alert):

 

1. Abuse. 2. Addictions and other toxic behaviours. 3. Infidelity.

 

And that covers it. That's when you KNOW you go.

 

As far as incompatibility and out-growing each other due to age and other such factors are concerned, I'm not convinced that they are valid reasons FOR the break-up, even if they are valid reasons TO break up. They're just too vague and amorphous.

 

These kind of reasons are usually just another way of saying "I'm reaching for a logical reason to explain something emotional within me - AHA! - We've grown apart! That's it!"

 

But will this fly with your boyfriend, OP, when he's the one who has been actively trying to grow with you by trying to find ways to prevent the relationship from going stagnant?

 

Love is about caring about somebody else, in spite of your differences, and growing together by avoiding growing apart. It's about enjoying the other person. He enjoys you, and no logic or reason will convince him otherwise. Should you break up, he will probably not believe the reasoning behind it.

 

The reality is that you've lost attraction. This is OK. It happens in long-term relationships all the time. But you best acknowledge that to be the reason for the relationship troubles instead of trying to use a logical one. He'll just see it as a cop-out. He needs to be given the confirmation that yes, his behaviour is a factor in you pulling away, because that might be the first step he takes in learning how to be a better partner, be it with you or another.

 

This situation has anxious + avoidant written all over it.

 

Your significant other wants to go for a walk. This is him trying to find a way to let you know he cares about you but needs more intimacy and connection. But, because he is mostly likely of an anxious attachment style, he can't see your refusal as anything but a sign that the relationship is in trouble. He sees it as his fault. In reality you not wanting to go on this walk might not be an indicator of how you feel about him at all, but he has been gathering the facts and NOTICING your words are not matching your actions. You say you care, but you are not doing the things you used to do. He can sense you pulling away and that it is not just that 'you've had a long day.' And his mind will tick on with these type of negative thoughts. This is because you see this as one incident of rejection, but he's been tallying them, and probably inventing new ones in his head by misinterpreting your actions.

 

Meanwhile, you're frustrated by the clingy behaviour and starting to lose attraction. You see the logic of what you are saying to him, and wonder why he can't leave you be until you are ready for the intimacy he craves. This is what you want him to do, so you deny him the attention in hope he will get the message. But now he has more evidence that you don't really care, in spite of the fact that you probably still do. And the cycle continues.

 

He thinks you don't care.

You think he doesn't listen.

And now you are starting to not care because you are considering a break up, and he is going to push you until it happens.

 

Attachment styles and how they affect attraction are key learning for people in relationships. Your attachment style is something you will bring with you into any future relationship, no matter how green the grass looks with newer prospects.

 

EDIT: I really wish you the best in figuring this one out, OP. I hope you guys can get there, but if not you'll both be ok.

Edited August 26, 2018 by CKJD