heartbroken and i don't know anymore

[questionmarks]

Okay so this is the situation...

i and my girlfriend of 2 years (it's a long distance relationship) have been going through a rough patch ever since she started her new job. it all started about 2 months ago, and progressively, she had less and less time for me, which resulted in several fights (they weren't full on crazy fights, just us arguing trying to resolve this situation, and me repeatedly saying her ignoring me a lot is hurting me) and we always ended these fights by making up and agreeing she'll put in more effort. (needles to say, she didn't.)

 

But 2 weeks ago, we had the biggest fight so far, and we started considering going on a break (it was during the weekend) bc she kept saying she is too tired from work to have a conversation with me.

all of this was followed by a very strange behaviour on her side. it's important to say she didn't make her final statement on whether she wanted to try this break or not.

there were 2 days during the following week when she talked to me all day, alternated and followed by a complete silence, like as if she forgot about me. thursday-sunday, she didn't talk to me at all. only sent 2 messages, 2 consecutive nights, saying ''we need to talk about everything'' but the next day, she ignored me again.

 

i don't know what's happening right now and i'm suffering a lot.

 

i don't want this to end, she's the love of my life. i already had plans for

our future. and i know she wanted future with me too, she kept saying she

loved me all the time until she found this job and now completely stopped

talking to me.

we were just fine 2 months ago and i can't believe this is happening. i did everything in my power to try and save this relationship and i never hurt her in any way.

 

how could someone just stop caring about you, just like that? i can't believe this is happening.

please, any thoughts on my situation?? what should i do?

i don't know anymore

[bathtub-row]

I’m not sure why the change in her behavior would be tied to her job unless she met someone there that she’s interested in. On the other hand, she just might be tired of the whole LDR thing. It’s hard to say because she’s not being upfront with you.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this and understand you not wanting it to end but you may not have any choice. Her behavior is pretty much telling you everything. Personally, I think you’d be better off if you went quiet for awhile. The more someone pulls away, the more resistant they are to talking and discussing things. In most cases like that, about the only thing you can do is back off. If that doesn’t bother or upset her, and make her scared to lose you, then probably nothing will.

[CKJD]

I agree with the above. I think you should go dark on her. Make her wonder about you. If she's unable to let you go and is instead taking your care for her as an annoyance then there's some confliction going on, possibly because she's getting interest from or is interested in somebody else, but more likely because long distance relationships are just hard to maintain in general. However, if things go on this way, interest in somebody local could be a powerful persuader. If plans to relocate are not at the forefront of both your minds, then a disconnect is inevitable.

 

On top of this, if the small amount of time you do get to share is spent mostly arguing then you are not going to get the results you want. A relationship over phone and social media is pretty lacking as is, so arguing is not going to help the attraction grow. I think this has greatly contributed to the problem, because usually when one person starts pulling at the other, or getting upset about the quality of the relationship, the other pushes back more.

 

When you said you both agreed that she needed to put in more effort, it probably felt reasonable to you because you adequately expressed your needs. It sounds like she replied to keep the peace because she does recognise your needs as valid, but is perhaps struggling with following through because she probably hasn't communicated her needs to you out of fear of hurting you or making you upset. She could be guilty, or maybe even a bit resentful towards you. Maybe she has communicated what she wants but your anxiety has prevented you from really hearing what she is telling you.

 

Again, all of your actions will seem reasonable to you because you are focussing on the way things were, but feelings can and do change. It's a hard position to be in for sure, but rather than forcing her to decide, make the decision yourself. Things aren't satisfactory for you, so maybe it's time to part. She will respect you for it and maybe even start chasing you.

But if you continue to text things like "we need to talk about everything", you're turning your interactions into a drag for her. Sounds unfair, but if she's starting to want out she's going to see that as needy behavior. Even if at one point she was as crazy about you as you are her.

 

I'm sorry that things didnt go the way you were hoping, OP. What I've shared are just tidbits from my journey and I hope they help you along yours. Peace.

[MountainGirl111]

So you guys have had several fights over the last couple of months and she started her new job at the same time? And, this is long distance? Hmmmm. You got a few issues here. LDR's are VERY challenging....you never see each other...and if she is busier lately, she just may not feel up to much...I don't know...but if I were you I'd just get in touch with her somehow and tell her: We need to talk. Then set up a time. Hopefully it will work out. Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I would not rule out the possibility that she has met someone at work.

 

I would stop trying to talk to her and let her come to you. See what she does on her own volition. But be prepared to walk away if she doesn't come around.

 

For reference, how old are you both, and were there plans to close the distance somehow?

[questionmarks]

so looks like you guys were right... she broke up with me this morning.

 

i sent her a message (after all those days of NC) asking for an explanation, saying i think i deserve to know what's going on.

she said she can't do a ldr anymore, that she realized that she needs someone who will be physically there and what we have isn't enough for her anymore.

 

it's over.

 

i can't describe the amount of pain i'm feeling right now, i'm crying nonstop today.

as to adress the question, we are both students at university now.

i already bought the plane tickets to come see her for the first time this september. i had plans to save up money and come more often, so that we could be physically together too, and maybe move to her country for good once i finish uni. she knew all about this.

seems like nothing i did could change her mind anymore.

 

I'm in such a bad place right now, emotionally, that i don't think i'll ever recover. my whole body hurts, i already took some sedatives to stop crying but it didn't help.

i've no motivation to do anything.

i know i have to get up and live my life, i have so much stuff to do, but i just can't.

it's gonna be my last year at uni now and i can't imagine handling the workload i'll have with this pain in my chest and heart. i might as well drop out and give up.

nothing in my life makes sense anymore.

 

how does one get over this?

how does one keep on living, when the only person who made you want to live again leaves..

[MountainGirl111]

Hon, I feel your pain. Been there. My first really bad break up was when I was in college and I couldn't concentrate or study...ended up failing a major exam. I needed to pull my head out...but I was totally thrown....but that break up wasn't long distance and I stood the chance of running into him on campus, which I did a time or two. I think long distance relationships are sort of cursed from the beginning. It's not your fault.

 

Now, you've got to somehow keep your head on straight. I know that hard when the heart is aching like this. But tell yourself the facts are the facts. She broke it off with you because SHE couldn't handle long distance. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I want you to hang in there. No girl is worth ruining your education over.

[questionmarks]

It's been almost 2 weeks.

A week ago, she finally had a real-time conversation with me, a.k.a. not one that kept dragging on for days (as everything before..).

We talked for like 2 hours and then she just stopped responding whatsoever. She said talking to me makes her feel like **** now bc of the things i'm saying (i was literally just trying to make sense of the situation, i wasn't rude or anything and i feel like she was just getting tired of me)

 

Over the next few days, i sent 3 more messages, in one i apologized in case i made her upset somehow and asked her one last time if she really wants me in her life or if she's just saying that,in the other two i made myself look really vulnerable. The kind of messages that can't really be ignored.

 

She read it but ...yeah, didn't reply.

 

I'm on day 3 of NC, i realized there was no point in sending other messages bc the fact that she ignored my previous ones (where i was spilling my heart) really hurt me.

For those of you guys who thought she might be interested in someone at work- she hangs out with this guy she works with and even adds pictures with him on facebook. she told me before that he's like her closest friend now but there's nothing more.

I don't believe her and i'm starting to hate her for everything she did to me and for dismissing my feelings just like that.

I feel like if someone really loved someone, they wouldnt just ignore their pain. After what we've been through together, i would've expected more empathy from her.

 

I'm tired of this whole situation. But i'm positive i don't even want to talk to her anymore, she's a different person now.

 

I just don't know how to deal with these feelings of betrayal anymore.

So yeah... just wanted to update you all and maybe ask for some actual advice bc distractions don't really work and i don't have many friends

[d0nnivain]

The end of any relationship is painful, especially for the person who got dumped.

 

It will take time to heal from this but you will heal. It's the start of a brand new semester so throw yourself into your studies & make the effort to make new friends. Join a club or organization on campus. Pad your resume with an internship. If your school has on campus counseling, even peer to peer counseling, take advantage of it.

 

Meanwhile disconnect from your EX on all social media platforms. Delete her # from your phone. Delete her e-mail & other contact info. Purge all the photos & mementos.

[questionmarks]

Hey guys.

 

It's been almost a month since the breakup. I'm back to update you all on my situation because in a way, it got both worse and better at the same time.

 

In my last update, i was saying she ignored my last messages, the ones where i poured my heart out and all that. So... she ignored me for 2 weeks, and then replied, out of nowhere.

She said she was thinking of not replying altogether, but it seemed unfair to her and that in the end, she realized she couldn't have just left it unanswered. (but even tho she replied, she didnt really reply to lots of the things i had said... she just kept talking about how her life is different now and how she misses what we had before it all got so messed up). She also asked me how I was doing, which to me seemed like an attempt to be friendly again and stop ghosting me.

It seemed like that was her true intention, like she really cared after all.

But then when i replied to it, she didnt even open my message.

 

2 days later, it was the night before her birthday, and after discussing it with friends and with myself, i decided i'd be the good person and still send her a little happy birthday message. It was short and kind and i didn't mention anything about my feelings in it. Needless to say, it's been 3 days and she hasn't even opened that message yet either. She's proactively ignoring me again and i dont know how the **** did i deserve this.

(i forgot to mention, we're both girls, just to clarify)

 

I feel like i've been getting worse at handling all this lately, today i cried since the moment i woke up, with only short breaks. Everyone says it gets better with time, but i feel like it's actually getting worse. I'm questioning reality at this point. I have burnt sage in my room yesterday because i feel like the energies in here have become too heavy and negative and it's affecting me on a daily basis, but i feel like this made it even worse for some reason? Idk if any of you here believe in spiritual stuff like that but if you do, how would you explain that. I'm trying everything at this point, to get out of this dark place of grief and sorrow.

 

I don't have her on any social media anymore, and i DON'T check up on her, because it was causing me too much pain.

it was my first day at uni yesterday and it went well, but as soon as i came home, i started crying again.

 

do you feel like it has to get much, much worse, before it finally gets better?

and why do you guys think she's acting the way she is? replying after 2 weeks just to start ignoring me again?

thankyou to anyone who has read all this. xx

[MountainGirl111]

I'm sorry you're going through this, friend! This really sucks....

 

I would just be guessing if I tried to help you decipher what's going on with her. Sounds like the new job was a big factor. That's too bad. And new job should be a positive thing, not a negative thing.

 

Well, then--I'm certainly not against burning sage to get rid of bad energies, but my suggestion is that in ADDITION to burning sage you actually get OUT of your room and significant amount of time. Get some new scenery. See the possibilities out there. There are many, not just this one girl. I'm sending a hug your way and I hope you keep yourself busy with things you enjoy.

 

I DO believe there are people who carry "bad energy" around with them and impact us if we let them. Don't let them! Slough it off, somehow. I was briefly around a lady a couple of days ago who I feel is a bit like "pig-pen" from Charlie Brown..surrounded by a cloud of dust wherever she goes. It's always about her and her problems/issues are more important than anyone else's and she doesn't listen to what anyone else has to say about a matter...she just wants other to listen to her and her "woes". It gets old very very quick and I feel like I need to shed myself of the bad energies she has. It doesn't help that she envies me.....but there's absolutely NOTHING I can do about her envying me. It is definitely an NEGATIVE thing....but I can't change it...that has to come from her. I've had other people envy me before, so this isn't a new concept. Sometimes, I just cannot be around those people, sadly!

 

If you're questioning reality at this point, you really DO need to get out of your room and take a look at the world around you, which is so much greater than this girl and the problems associated with her. You need to "re-set" your own reality. You are trying to get very REAL just by writing this post today. You can do this...

Edited September 18, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[Zahara]

but i feel like this made it even worse for some reason?

 

Of course it feels worse. You touched a hot pot and it burned you. This is why after a break-up, NC is always recommended. It's a form of self-preservation. What you have done is to continue engaging the person that causes you hurt. You're gouging a wound that is trying to heal.

 

Stop reaching out to her and try to find acceptance with your break-up. You can't seek comfort in her when she is the cause of your grief.

 

She probably answered because she felt guilty for ignoring you. She wasn't hoping to have an on-going conversation. In a way, it is a good thing she's ignoring you. It is for your own good, which at this point you don't really see but she's doing you a favor.

[an0nym0us123]

Sorry to here this pal. Been through a break up nearly 4 months ago and tbh its not much easier now. Some days are good. Some days are awful. I have dreams where we are still together and i wake up and realise that its no more.

 

My therapy at the moment is to go out in the car far a drive at night when the roads are empty. Put some up lifting trance music on and turn it up and just let go.

 

Either that just go for a walk. Walk, and keep walking. Im not really finding the gym much good as i dont have the focus.

 

Must be hard trying to concentrate on studies right now. I have to do paperwork for my business and its awful.

 

My gf told me she was the happiest girl in the world. 3 week later it was over. Couple of weeks after that she was in bed with one of my best mates.

 

What i do know is this- when you meet someone else/ better and you fall in love again. YOU WILL WONDER WHY YOU BOTHERED being hurt at all. Doesnt make it any easier for either of us right now though

[d0nnivain]

She is avoiding you because she knows any response she makes gives you false hope. She's doing you a favor by keeping the lines of the break as clear as possible.

 

the small silver lining is that she is a kind person. Her being gracious to you & responding once shows that you pick good quality people. Just 'cause things didn't work out this time, don't lose hope for the future with someone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

It seemed like that was her true intention, like she really cared after all.

But then when i replied to it, she didnt even open my message.

2 days later, it was the night before her birthday, and after discussing it with friends and with myself, i decided i'd be the good person and still send her a little happy birthday message. It was short and kind and i didn't mention anything about my feelings in it. Needless to say, it's been 3 days and she hasn't even opened that message yet either. She's proactively ignoring me again and i dont know how the **** did i deserve this.

(i forgot to mention, we're both girls, just to clarify)

 

why do you guys think she's acting the way she is? replying after 2 weeks just to start ignoring me again?

thankyou to anyone who has read all this. xx

 

She likely replied to your heartfelt message because she felt bad saying nothing. So, she said what she needed to say. It seems it wasn't her intention to open the lines of communication again, though.

 

It's not that you deserve to be ignored. But she knows you're hurt and she knows that replying is going to give you the wrong idea, as it apparently already has. You felt that maybe there was something more to her initial reply, which is why it hurts so much to realize there was not. Because if she had replied promptly to your birthday message, would you not have had even the faintest spark of hope? This is why she isn't responding right now. She doesn't want to give you the impression that she wants to continue contact.

 

I know it's very hard to accept. But that's the most important step right now, accepting that this is over. It will get better, but you have to stop sticking your hand in the flame first.

[bathtub-row]

She could’ve handled things better but there you have it. I’m sorry for your pain.

[boobooo]

Hey guys.

 

It's been almost a month since the breakup. I'm back to update you all on my situation because in a way, it got both worse and better at the same time.

 

<SNIP>

 

That sucks :/ but hey!! I’m here if you ever need a friend. We can chat whenever

Edited September 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[questionmarks]

@MountainGirl111 -

Hey thankyou for your reply.

To adress what you said- i am trying to leave the house when i can, i have uni 3 days a week this semester. But home is also important to me because i still need to heal from all this and thus spend a lot of time in a place where i feel safe. That's why i was hoping to clear my space from all this negativity somehow.

Btw when i said i was questioning reality at this point, i meant that i feel like our relationship wasn't even real. Like it didn't even happen, that's how easily she got over it and i can't wrap my head around that. i feel like it was all just a dream too good to be true. I know it was real but quite often i feel like it wasn't, it feels so distant now, all of it. I need someone to tell me it was indeed real and that i didn't imagine the good times..

[questionmarks]

@Zahara -

I know, i'm not contacting her anymore. Her completely ignoring (not even Wiewing) my happy birthday message, bc it's on messenger so i can tell, just showed me how little she cares. That's the only thing that bothers me at this point. Because i believed her she loved me just as much as i loved her, but if she did, she couldn't just ignore that. She would've at least READ my message.

Also when she replied after those 2 weeks, it wasn't just 1 message. It was a total of 3 quite long replies to me so we texted back and forth three times before she started ignoring me again.

But i guess that doesn't matter now does it...

[questionmarks]

@an0nym0us123 -

Sorry to hear about your breakup. People who tell you they're the happiest ever and then break up with you out of nowhere really need to get their **** together imo.

I'm glad that driving/walking helps you somehow though. I hope you manage to heal.

And yeah i know. But to be honest, the idea of being with someone else rn isn't appealing at all. Or the idea of another relationship in general. It disgusts me. Why would i want anyone else? I still wish you were right though, that there was someone better out there for each and every one of us whose hearts were broken.

[questionmarks]

@d0nnivain -

Thank you for trying to find the good in the bad for me. It actually helped a little <3

[questionmarks]

@ExpatInItaly -

I have already accepted that it's over though! I even told her that. And i know it in my heart, that we're not getting back together. What i thought was that she wanted to stay in a friendly contact at least though? Because she said it herself not once, but several times, in many different ways since we broke up. But that's not how friends interact with each other. Friends don't ignore each other for weeks...

 

I guess i just thought she didn't want to lose me and still wanted me in her life. But maybe it's true that exes can't be friends and if they try, it's usually rlly hard and ends up hurting you even more.. maybe it's for the best she's ignoring me idk.

I'm trying to move on, but i'll never be over it in a way, if that makes sense.

Because i could Never stop caring about someone so important to me, even if i couldn't be with them romantically anymore. But seems like she could.

[ExpatInItaly]

@ExpatInItaly -

I have already accepted that it's over though! I even told her that. And i know it in my heart, that we're not getting back together. What i thought was that she wanted to stay in a friendly contact at least though?

 

Your actions don't support that assertion, though. How is she supposed to know you accepted it's over if you sent her a heartfelt message, and later, a birthday message? From her angle, it looks like you are still hanging on to hope, I would assume.

 

Anyway, you see that being friends right now isn't possible. I realize she might have said she wanted to be friends, but a lot of dumpers say that without a genuine intent. It't usaully offered as a vague notion to soften the blow for the dumpee. Both parties need time and space away from each other after a break-up. It's too soon to try to be friends at this time. Perhaps later on, when you've reached a point of relative indifference about her (romantically-speaking) then you could try being friendly. But in my experience, most exes drift apart and out of each other's lives as time passes. It's natural when you both move on, particularly when one or both meet someone else.

[an0nym0us123]

@an0nym0us123 -

Sorry to hear about your breakup. People who tell you they're the happiest ever and then break up with you out of nowhere really need to get their **** together imo.

I'm glad that driving/walking helps you somehow though. I hope you manage to heal.

And yeah i know. But to be honest, the idea of being with someone else rn isn't appealing at all. Or the idea of another relationship in general. It disgusts me. Why would i want anyone else? I still wish you were right though, that there was someone better out there for each and every one of us whose hearts were broken.

 

Theres no question im right. Im hurt. I miss my ex. But i know i will get another chance with someone else. You will too. The fact that your ex hasnt responded is good. Better than been strung along with maybe's and we'll see's.

 

But to be told that shes the happiest girl ever to break up in 3 weeks is going to have an effect on me in future i think. Things can change so very fast

[MountainGirl111]

@MountainGirl111 -

Hey thankyou for your reply.

To adress what you said- i am trying to leave the house when i can, i have uni 3 days a week this semester. But home is also important to me because i still need to heal from all this and thus spend a lot of time in a place where i feel safe. That's why i was hoping to clear my space from all this negativity somehow.

Btw when i said i was questioning reality at this point, i meant that i feel like our relationship wasn't even real. Like it didn't even happen, that's how easily she got over it and i can't wrap my head around that. i feel like it was all just a dream too good to be true. I know it was real but quite often i feel like it wasn't, it feels so distant now, all of it. I need someone to tell me it was indeed real and that i didn't imagine the good times..

 

You're very welcome, Q-marks. I understand about the need to clear your home of negative stuff and making a healing atmosphere...good work on that. And you do SO need to feel safe.

 

It was all real, and it did happen, indeed and you didn't imagine any of it. It's fairly common for folks to question themselves and their own sanity too even. Those good time did happen!

 

Here's to good healing for you. Sending some healing energy your way, friend. It was real....very real....