Getting over someone

[TurntSloth1]

I feel like I've finally reached the acceptance stage with this whole thing and given up for good on any hope of us even talking again let alone anything more, but it's funny... I always imagined that after reaching the acceptance stage I'd feel better about the whole thing, but I still feel really sad.

 

I guess it was silly to think anything otherwise really, those feelings aren't going to go away and accepting something doesn't mean I have to be ok with it...

 

I feel like I'm really not going to get over her until I meet someone else, but how can I meet someone else if I'm not over her? It's a horrible cycle.

 

Has anyone managed to get over someone in the past without meeting someone else to move on to?

[d0nnivain]

It just takes time. Do keep yourself busy. Spend time with friends. Engage in your favorite hobby. Find other reasons to be happy

[Young mind]

It sure takes time, I think I’m still in my acceptance stage and my breakup happened a year ago , still feels sad when the thoughts come up but nothing wailing over, and that’s progress.

 

With time , your mind stops replaying and replaces those thoughts with other important things

[Zahara]

 

I feel like I'm really not going to get over her until I meet someone else, but how can I meet someone else if I'm not over her? It's a horrible cycle.

 

Has anyone managed to get over someone in the past without meeting someone else to move on to?

 

This was my pattern. After an ending, I’d start dating to quickly replace an ex with another. It often stems from the need to mask and to fill the painful void rather than to go through the healthy process of grieving, healing, reflection and moving on. Pain is growth. You shouldn’t escape it.

 

My last breakup, I did the opposite. I went through the pain and then chose to stay single for many years. It was time well spent on self-development and self-love. Choose independence rather than dependence.

[MissBee]

I feel like I've finally reached the acceptance stage with this whole thing and given up for good on any hope of us even talking again let alone anything more, but it's funny... I always imagined that after reaching the acceptance stage I'd feel better about the whole thing, but I still feel really sad.

 

I guess it was silly to think anything otherwise really, those feelings aren't going to go away and accepting something doesn't mean I have to be ok with it...

 

I feel like I'm really not going to get over her until I meet someone else, but how can I meet someone else if I'm not over her? It's a horrible cycle.

 

Has anyone managed to get over someone in the past without meeting someone else to move on to?

 

I've been there. It sucks.

 

In my experience it's possible for me to be about 90% over a relationship, but until I meet someone else and have a new reference point for romantic feelings, it never quite feels like I'm totally over it. It's not even so much about active romantic desire, but sort of this purely by-default memory where that was your last romantic experience so it's your reference point, even if you genuinely no longer want it.

 

I think the best place to be after a breakup is when you're in a new state of genuinely being happy and excited about your future prospects. I think that to me is my sign that I'm on the other side, as when I'm still caught up in it that's usually the hardest part --imagining someone new. In this space, even if you aren't with someone new and think of your ex by-default, it's still a more free, open and exciting space. So short answer: I do think liking someone new helps to completely be moved on, but you can move on to a state of truly being happy and excited about other options before meeting someone new.

[Beachead]

I feel like I've finally reached the acceptance stage with this whole thing and given up for good on any hope of us even talking again let alone anything more, but it's funny... I always imagined that after reaching the acceptance stage I'd feel better about the whole thing, but I still feel really sad.

 

I guess it was silly to think anything otherwise really, those feelings aren't going to go away and accepting something doesn't mean I have to be ok with it...

 

I feel like I'm really not going to get over her until I meet someone else, but how can I meet someone else if I'm not over her? It's a horrible cycle.

 

Has anyone managed to get over someone in the past without meeting someone else to move on to?

 

Yes OP.

 

Relax and give your mind and heart time. People expect things to get better in a few months when really, in my experience, a full recovery takes atleast a year. It's a gradual process. It starts with that crippling, paralyzing pain you initially felt in the beginning slowly subsiding into a dull ache. While this goes on, you'll start to find it easier to focus on your life. Time will pass by until you experience a day when you actually forget to think about them because other parts of your life have piled on so much that its consuming your brain (Ex. The stresses of work, stresses of family or maybe the excitement of something important coming up). Whatever it is, that life after your ex starts to make way and take over your thoughts. Time keeps going and this will happen more frequently. At some point, you'll feel an urge to date again, or you might catch yourself with feelings for someone new.

 

It just sneaks up on you like that.

 

We can't force the heartache away though so don't bother trying. Getting over them will come from restructuring your life and continuing to live it while not burying your emotions. Have a good cry every now and then. As time goes on, your post-ex life will make way and slowly push your ex to the back and crush the thoughts of her into dust.

 

Happened to me enough times. I was in love. They left. I cried. Laid in my bed, clutching my chest while thinking I'd never be the same again but, I lived onto discover a new era.

 

It'll happen for you too. Just ease up and relax.

 

- Beach

Edited August 20, 2018 by Beachead

[MissBee]

Yes OP.

 

Relax and give your mind and heart time. People expect things to get better in a few months when really, in my experience, a full recovery takes atleast a year. It's a gradual process. It starts with that crippling, paralyzing pain you initially felt in the beginning slowly subsiding into a dull ache. Then you start to find it easier to focus on your life. You'll experience a day when you actually forget to think about them because other parts of your life have consumed your brain (Ex. The stresses of work, stresses of family or maybe the excitement of something important coming up). Whatever it is, that life after your ex starts to make way and take over your thoughts. As more time passes, this will happen more frequently. One day, you'll realize you've caught feelings for someone new and that's when realize.."Wow..I'm okay."

 

You won't be able to will your heartbreak away. It doesn't work like that so don't bother trying. People get passed it by restructuring their life and carrying on with it. Over time, their post-ex life slowly starts to take up more and more of their thoughts pushing the thoughts of the ex all the way into the back and crushing it into dust. Scars will remain and every now and then, you'll remember something about them and that's the way it'll be until it's not. In your own time.

 

Happened to me enough times. I was in love. They made promises. I saw a future. They left. I cried. Laid in my bed, clutching my chest while thinking I'd never be the same again but, I lived onto discover a new era. The misery and struggle during the journey back ripped my insides apart and rebuilt them again into something far more stronger.

 

You'll get there. Just ease up and relax with yourself.

 

- Beach

 

 

This is such a great post!

[drdre]

Im in exactly the same boat as you so you're definitely not alone. I'm 4 months out and started dating someone new.

 

I know I'm not over my ex 100% because I still think about her often but I'm also not thinking of getting her back or wanting her back. In some ways dating again has been good but it also causes me guilt to date someone knowing I'm not 100% "ready".

 

I also still feel sad. Sad that it didn't work. Sad that I'm starting over. Sad that my daughter misses her and is sad. Sad that my dreams of getting married and starting a family are postponed. But all of those are circumstantial. Not sad about the person as much as what they represented.

 

I wonder if that's not also what you are feeling? Sad about having a partner but not so much the actual person?

[DK092]

I feel like I've finally reached the acceptance stage with this whole thing and given up for good on any hope of us even talking again let alone anything more, but it's funny... I always imagined that after reaching the acceptance stage I'd feel better about the whole thing, but I still feel really sad.

 

I guess it was silly to think anything otherwise really, those feelings aren't going to go away and accepting something doesn't mean I have to be ok with it...

 

I feel like I'm really not going to get over her until I meet someone else, but how can I meet someone else if I'm not over her? It's a horrible cycle.

 

Has anyone managed to get over someone in the past without meeting someone else to move on to?

 

 

I know how you feel.

 

 

Even though it's almost 10 years since me and my ex broke up she is still in my memory tho i gave up the hope of ever being with her again and have long moved on since. I did have other relationships and some hook-ups after this and they did help me get over it eventually tho what was more effective for me was just being on my own. Jumping from relationship to relationship doesn't solve the problem but only makes it bigger.

 

One day i woke up and the pain i felt and desire to be with her was just gone. I was able to see her with another guy without feeling anything. I just didn't care anymore. It was a liberating experience and for me this happened after 1 1/2 years or so since the break up.

 

I used to think like you at that time. I thought i will never find someone like her ever again until i realized how wrong and limiting this belief was.

You will never really forget that one person you loved, in fact running away from the truth and trying suppress those feelings will only make it harder for you. I know it is a really unpleasant feeling to just let go and hard to accept but rest assured that one day you will be over it and when you are there you allow someone better to enter your life.

Edited August 20, 2018 by DK092

[Beachead]

This is such a great post!

 

Thanks . Just speaking from experience. I always thought it was over. But it it wasn't. As long as I chose to go on, that was true. I went on to discover if I worked hard at something, I could realize results that changed my life and brought about new gifts. OP should know that too. He just has to take it day by day and he'll get there too.

[Blanco]

I think remaining single and allowing yourself time and space to properly grieve and process the breakup is ultimately the more beneficial approach for a lot of people. It doesn't mean it's not a difficult thing to work through.

 

I've taken this approach after all of my breakups and I'm going to be honest: For me, becoming interested in someone on a real level has always been the final step in my recovery from the breakup. It's not that I'm using this person to get over the ex. In a way, I've found that until I meet someone new, I'll probably be processing and feeling the loss of the previous one. Some may say that's bad, but for me, meeting someone new is kind of where the rubber meets the road and I can finally put into action the things I've learned from the previous breakup.

 

Quite frankly, I think one of the reasons I still feel a bit of a sting about my last breakup, which was years ago now, is that I've not met someone new that's really caught my interest.

[drdre]

I think remaining single and allowing yourself time and space to properly grieve and process the breakup is ultimately the more beneficial approach for a lot of people. It doesn't mean it's not a difficult thing to work through.

 

I've taken this approach after all of my breakups and I'm going to be honest: For me, becoming interested in someone on a real level has always been the final step in my recovery from the breakup. It's not that I'm using this person to get over the ex. In a way, I've found that until I meet someone new, I'll probably be processing and feeling the loss of the previous one. Some may say that's bad, but for me, meeting someone new is kind of where the rubber meets the road and I can finally put into action the things I've learned from the previous breakup.

 

Quite frankly, I think one of the reasons I still feel a bit of a sting about my last breakup, which was years ago now, is that I've not met someone new that's really caught my interest.

 

This makes sense to me. No one thinks about their past when they meet their better, brighter future. Until then, there is always some lingering for the past and what could've been.