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stockholm syndrome ?


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lovepreaches

He was the love of my life. There was not a single moment I doubted that I would make a perfect family with him. the world began to revolve around him. I wanted to be a better person for him. I wanted to give him my all and everything that he never got and I made that my prime goal. I made that my life mission and I lost myself in him.

 

Its weird how we met, I can still remember the feeling of waking up to just run to the toilet to check my hidden phone for a message from him. The feeling of waking him up in the morning to school and I used to go to school feeling like a star because right then I knew I’ve found the one I would marry and have kids with and live the rest of my life growing old. I had wake up calls many times in this dream but I didn’t accept it. I didn’t want to believe that my dream was coming to an end. Sometimes you just give yourself excuses and thats exactly what I kept doing. Now im here feeling that sometimes by been kind to everyone I was unkind to me.

 

By loving him insane I’ve lost my sanity. I’ve forgotten to love myself I often end up feeling lost not knowing what I like anymore or what I should do anymore. Because my days were filled up with him and him only. Today im sitting here venting out hoping it would bring me peace. Hoping after I finish writing my story I will finally be able to stop these thoughts In my head and the pain in my heart. Because one fine day I stopped begging for love because he kept ignoring me and every time I tried to get back to what we were, he probably thought id always be around but now the tables have turned I no longer want to call him and check up on him even though I hope he is doing well and he is probably wondering and going through all the wrong he did to me wondering if thats why I’ve changed and if thats why I don’t pay any attention to him no more.

 

Its simple, everything he did was a lesson. A painful lesson but it taught me how to live without him. But I still can’t stop my head running back to him. I feel paralyzed in bed thinking how are lives started. When I am thinking of him I am getting calls from him from unknown numbers, I want to pick up and scream at him I want to cry but I am tired. Everyday I wake up I wish it was a bad dream or at-least I wish I wake up not remembering him. But days become weeks and weeks would become months. I worry how to keep going on. I try to enjoy with kids but it’s impossible to do that without a heavy chest. I feel sorry for my boys that they don’t have cousins, a family and messed up grand parents. They have found comfort in video games.

 

I don’t want them to grow up used to not needing a family or not having a family to turn to. I feel like we three don’t deserve to live like this. Sometimes wish we didn’t live at all. Life feels very heavy. I have about 5 friends who talks to me day in day out but I am tired that they might be tired of all this. My life feels like a series of unfortunate events. I just want everyone that love on away from me. Probably they are more happier without me. But I don’t know how to leave kids and go. I know I should live for them. But what if I don’t want to anymore ? what if all I feel is to die with the love.

 

I don't want him to hurt me anymore. i want to stand strong for me and for my Boys. I want to sleep at ease and not be afraid. do I hate him? do I love him? why does this love hurt this much even when I know the best for me and my boys are to be away from him? why do I feel lost even when I feel like I found myself ?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Welcome to LS....

 

IDK, did you feel like a captive while in your past relationship?

 

As far as moving on I found accepting the past as the past and also accepting that there are billions of people on the planet and, sure I loved one and perhaps they even loved me, hard to know for sure, but life is short and there's billions more around. That usually takes care of the pedestal thing. Human, mortal, lovable, sure, but not a god.

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lovepreaches

he and I started very young. I was 13 and he 15. although he did keep cheating on me he never let go of me. he always kept coming back. I sometimes felt like he treated me like his property, there was a sense of care there but it felt very abusive to the latter part of the relationship like I was been used as a doormat

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ExpatInItaly

Maybe it's irrelevant, but what do you mean you checked your hidden phone for messages from him? Why was it hidden?

 

You say you have kids. Are they with him?

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lovepreaches

I meant I was very young, 13 years when I met him and I wasn't allowed a phone by my parents at that age and I had a phone hidden to talk with him. irrelevant of how much I've done for him these years. he has a lot to accuse me of. im tired of the accusing everyday. Im tired feeling like **** and tired and feeling completely useless when I talk to him.

 

kids are with me. they have always been with me. he left to our motherland 1,5 years ago. and he had been around women and partying having the time of his life. all those days he still messages me and kept calling. all he would say is the girls are just for company. but I love you. why was I so stupid to keep falling for these.

 

I keep blocking him and unblocking him and talking to him trying to give him peace. trying to be there for him. but I have to always wake up to hundred missed calls and messages accusing I did that or this. its all that made up in his head. its tiring me.

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