Jump to content

She wants to make decisions for herself


Recommended Posts

I’m going to try to make a long story short as immuch as I can.

 

I met my gf (ex gf now) two years ago, when she was 19 and I was 27. We hit it off instantly - emotionally, mentally, and physically. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. The catch is, she went away to school a month after we started. A town 5 hours from where we live, to do an undergrad which would take her 4 years. The agreement and understanding was always that after those 4 years, we’d live in the same city. About a month ago, however, she changed her mind and said she’s unsure about what she wants to do. She doesn’t know whether she wants to stay where she is now to do graduate studies, or to get an internship somewhere else... I obviously did not take these news well. I told her that we’d need to sit and find a solution or a compromise, or something.

 

I was a little distant for the following three weeks. And then last week, a day after my birthday, we talked and decided to end it. It all seems like a blur to me now - I wanted to talk to find a solution, but somehow the conversation quickly went to us not finding a compromise or solution and deciding to end things.

 

She cried a lot, I cried a lot, we didn’t want to break up, or at least I didn’t. I let her know since then that I was ready to do anything to make it work. I don’t understand how things can go so wrong so fast. Everything was going super well a month ago, and now we’re not together anymore. She tells me she loves me but she has to do this for herself, so she can make decisions in the next few years for herself and no one else. But I’ve always supported every one of her decisions, even if not initially.

 

I don’t wanna lose her, I guess I’m just rambling to ramble.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

Sorry this has happened to you, OP. I think that this is a by-product of the age difference. While you are not chronologically that many years apart, you are at very different stages of your life.

 

She was very young when she met you (and she still is, if she's only 21 now) and while it probably initially seemed like a good idea to stay together through her schooling and then live together after she graduates, she isn't ready to settle down. You, on the other hand, have presumably got a lot of your exploring and self-discovery and carefree years out of the way already, just by virtue of being nearly 30. She is smack-dab in the middle of that, and wants to spread those wings now and not be committed.

 

It is great that you have supported her decisions, but I don't think that's the real issue. I believe she's just not ready to tie herself to a relationship this serious and wants to be single.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You, a 27 year old man, started dating a 19 year old child. At that time you two were on the same page. She has since grown up & after 2 years of college has already realized she's outpacing you. This is the biggest issue for men who date young girls. The girls outgrow them. Unfortunately you have already lost her. Try dating women your own age; there aren't as many emotional or maturity changes after say 23-25.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
She cried a lot, I cried a lot, we didn’t want to break up, or at least I didn’t. I let her know since then that I was ready to do anything to make it work. I don’t understand how things can go so wrong so fast. Everything was going super well a month ago, and now we’re not together anymore. She tells me she loves me but she has to do this for herself, so she can make decisions in the next few years for herself and no one else. But I’ve always supported every one of her decisions, even if not initially.

 

OP, I went back and had a look at your last thread, from February this year. Unfortunately, you had a big warning then that this relationship wasn't going well and she was losing interest: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/651813-girlfriend-thinks-she-wants-alone

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OP, I went back and had a look at your last thread, from February this year. Unfortunately, you had a big warning then that this relationship wasn't going well and she was losing interest: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/651813-girlfriend-thinks-she-wants-alone

 

Yes but we talked about this and got over it. She promised me yesterday that our conversation from a few months ago had nothing to do with this break up.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m sorry that you’re hurt but there had to be some part of you that knew this relationship would hold her back. And you had to know that no matter what she initially agreed to, she’s far too young to understand the complexity of that. But you should have.

 

Maybe years down the road, the two of you can come together again. But right now, she needs her freedom. If you try to intercept that, it’ll have devastating results for both of you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
Yes but we talked about this and got over it. She promised me yesterday that our conversation from a few months ago had nothing to do with this break up.

 

I am sorry, but that is evidently not true at all.

 

Come on, man. You're old enough and experienced enough to connect the dots here. That problem months back was absolutely a precursor to this, and she didn't get over it. She's been having doubts since early this year. It hurts to admit, but there's no sense living in denial that your relationship has been on the outs for several months.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You also have to understand that being 5 hours away at school she is also meeting a lot of new people, new ideas and hopes and dreams. This is an exciting time in her life and just turning 21 she is now allowed to go to adult places and do adult things. I wouldn't want to be tied down to a guy 8 years older than me either if I were her age and in her position. I bet she had been thinking about this for a while even though she may care a great deal about you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes but we talked about this and got over it. She promised me yesterday that our conversation from a few months ago had nothing to do with this break up.

 

It looks like the exact same issue to all of us. She has outgrown you. When I was in college I dated a 30 year old lawyer & by the time I was graduating I knew I was smarter and more mature then him. It happens. You were on the same plain when you two started but she has grown through her college years while you are the same person. Alas, that no longer holds her interest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You, a 27 year old man, started dating a 19 year old child. At that time you two were on the same page. She has since grown up & after 2 years of college has already realized she's outpacing you. This is the biggest issue for men who date young girls. The girls outgrow them. Unfortunately you have already lost her. Try dating women your own age; there aren't as many emotional or maturity changes after say 23-25.

 

I respectfully disagree. I was ready to commit once she was done school, I was ready to move in together, and she wasn’t.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Everyone needs their freedom when they're young. You are older than her and had your exploration time, and she's young and it's her time now. She got a taste of college and expanded her horizons, which is one of the best things about college, and her whole perspective will change as she becomes her own person. She needs her independence now. Maybe she will circle back around, but right now she's having too much fun and is just now seeing what a big unexplored world it is out there. Give her her freedom. Sorry. I know it hurts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I respectfully disagree. I was ready to commit once she was done school, I was ready to move in together, and she wasn’t.

 

That is not disagreeing. You are ready to settle down. You have made that clear. She doesn't want any part of happily ever after with you. From my own experience I can tell you it's probably because she has outgrown you. It's nothing you did except fail to understand that she was still developing as a person when you started. Now that she's finished with college, you are no longer the attractive sexy older man who flattered her with attention. She has seen more of the world & wants that rather than settling down.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Let's keep the posts helpful to the thread starter and not about some off topic tangent of the topic, thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites

Lots of relationships that were started at 19 don't survive college. In fact, the majority don't. That's just how it is - people change and grow a lot in their 20s, and this goes especially for the early-20 college-age years.

 

 

 

Let her go. You have both just grown apart, IMO.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think she's right to want to build herself as a person, and build her career as far as she can go instead of settling down right after college and giving up opportunities due to being married/in a committed relationship, which would limit her geographical options, thus, her options for herself.

 

Like others said, it's the age difference. She needs to continue to grow and staying with you would stop that. By no fault of your own. 8 years is not that much if she was 30 and you were 38, but at this stage it is too much. I'm sorry this happened to you, hope you get over it soon and find someone to love who is at the same stage in life as you are.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
She slept with someone else. I am broken.

 

I'm sorry, I know that's hard to hear.

 

Did she sleep with him while you were together, do you mean? How did you come to find this out?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm sorry, I know that's hard to hear.

 

Did she sleep with him while you were together, do you mean? How did you come to find this out?

 

No, a week after we broke up. I saw a picture of her with a guy (she was all over him) and I asked her for some stupid reason and she said that she had sex with him. I can’t breathe I feel sick

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
No, a week after we broke up. I saw a picture of her with a guy (she was all over him) and I asked her for some stupid reason and she said that she had sex with him. I can’t breathe I feel sick

 

I'm very sorry that you are hurting so much.

 

Let this be your clear indication that you need to stop communicating with her now and delete her off all social media (I'm assuming that's where you saw this picture?) and that the relationship has truly come to an end.

 

You're in shock right now, so it will hurt for a while. Remember this if you have the urge to reach out to her in the future.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm very sorry that you are hurting so much.

 

Let this be your clear indication that you need to stop communicating with her now and delete her off all social media (I'm assuming that's where you saw this picture?) and that the relationship has truly come to an end.

 

You're in shock right now, so it will hurt for a while. Remember this if you have the urge to reach out to her in the future.

 

 

I deleted her number from my phone and kk her and all her friends and family off social media.

 

I don’t understand how someone call tel you they want to be alone and find themselves and then sleep with someone a week later. And post a picture with him on social media.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
I deleted her number from my phone and kk her and all her friends and family off social media.

 

I don’t understand how someone call tel you they want to be alone and find themselves and then sleep with someone a week later. And post a picture with him on social media.

 

Sadly, most dumpers don't know how to be honest that they have met someone else. They believe that telling their exes that they want to be alone and focus on themselves will hurt less than the truth, but they also don't realize that these excuses often gives a bit of false hope that maybe things can work out.

 

Good for you for deleting her. You are going to need complete No Contact to heal.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you are hurting. It sucks.

 

I don’t understand how someone call tel you they want to be alone and find themselves and then sleep with someone a week later. And post a picture with him on social media.

 

Unfortunately you took her words literally. You thought what she said was what she meant. Unfortunately a lot of young woman use the phrase " I need some space" to mean "I just don't want to be with you any more & I have my eye on somebody else." The tiniest sliver of a silver lining here is that she has some integrity. She broke things off with you before getting with him so she probably didn't cheat. She did end things with you because she realized she wanted him more. Sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I can’t get the image of her with someone else out of my head I don’t know what to do and I feel paralyzed and like I just wanna stop

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's impossible to un-see something. You are going to have to grieve for a while. There are no short cuts through this. Take the weekend & wallow. But Monday go into work & follow your routine.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...