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In love but wants to break up????


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 12th August 2018, 10:01 PM   #1
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In love but wants to break up????

So my bf of two years and I broke up last night. Over the past month he has been having intense cravings after 13 years of sobriety.

He swears he hasnt been using, but his personality practically did a 180 over night. He went from texting me all day everyday to taking hours answer back or just flat out ignoring me. He would tell me a dozen times a day that he loved me and how happy i made him. Now he still tells me he loves me, but does not want to see me until he figures out whats going on with him.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be around the one you love or at the very least talk to them.

WE originally agreed after taking a break for a few weeks to slowly get back together by seeing each other once a week and talking every other day.
However, he would not hold up his end of the bargain.

He swears up and down that I am the love of his life, hes still madly in love with me, and that he will contact me again after he figures all this addiction stuff out. He just doesn't know when. HE also swears that hes doing this because he doesn't want to drag me into his mess, even though i told him "hey drag me, I'm here to support you!"

Hes been going to a counselor and NA meetings 3-4 times per week, so I'm proud he's actually being progressive.

This is the most ****ed up situation i have ever been in. I don't understand how you can be so in love with someone and think they're the one, but not want to be around them at all or speak to them. Nothing on the internet addresses this issue.

I feel like everything up till this point has been total bull****. A month ago we were planning on getting married and starting a family this fall.

Have any addicts and especially men out there done this to the person they love? Did you eventually come back or make contact? ball park: how long weeks/months did you as an addict (esp if you were not using) take to get yourself together?

I'm afraid hes going to meet and fall in love with someone else. And I'm afraid to date due to guilt and the thought of him possibly popping up again. Any thoughts on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

Last edited by JiltedJane; 12th August 2018 at 10:11 PM..
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Old 12th August 2018, 10:15 PM   #2
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I bet he drank or something. He doesn't want you to know.
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Old 13th August 2018, 12:08 AM   #3
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Ugh I experienced similar feelings (fear to date, back and forth etc) after my two year relationship ended. Thinking back on it, the break up was the best thing that happened in my life, Iíd have been truly miserable with this dude.

Iíd say addicts do NOT change for anyone, they are just unable to... I dealt with some and itís a never ending viscous cycle. I donít believe in his sobriety donít ask me why, itís a gut feeling based on personal observations of addicts.

Plus your relationship has been rocky - after 2 years you shouldnít be in this state, it would have only got worse.

I know itís scary to move on in your 30s but in your case I believe itís for the best. If you want to do it gradually donít date just yet and keep him as FWB. I know it sounds weird but every single breakup of mine got through this (temporary Ďwarmupí leading to FWB I till we fully move on).

In 6 months youíd be getting sick of the thought of him and probably after new love:$
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Old 13th August 2018, 12:09 AM   #4
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Most addicts have other issues besides addiction and sometimes the addiction is just a symptom of those issues.

I don't know if your bf loves you or not but I do think he doesn't want to marry you and that your plans to marry this fall is what triggered him. He may have abandonment issues or issues around feeling engulfed or controlled.
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Old 13th August 2018, 5:33 AM   #5
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I think you need to move on from him, OP.

I would almost put money on the fact that he has relapsed, but I don't think that's the only problem. He isn't ready for a family and marriage, and knows he can't offer you the kind of life you would like. He is actually doing the right thing by ending it, if that's the case.

Don't worry about dating other men right now. Focus on your healing so you can let go and move on to someone who wants what you want.
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Old 13th August 2018, 8:18 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JiltedJane View Post
So my bf of two years and I broke up last night. Over the past month he has been having intense cravings after 13 years of sobriety.


I feel like everything up till this point has been total bull****. A month ago we were planning on getting married and starting a family this fall.

<SNIP>
I dont think those 2 things are coincidental. It seems to me that more and more men are secretly horrified of marriage. Many dont consider it a natural step in their life, but that it is something to be feared. Stories of bad divorces, financial ruin fuel these feelings. Where its a natural next step for women, its often not for men. I wonder had you not started planning a marriage, if he wouldnt have started drinking again. Maybe it is coincidental; maybe not.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 13th August 2018 at 5:46 PM..
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Old 13th August 2018, 8:27 AM   #7
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It does sound like he has relapsed or he is afraid he is going to relapse...

In other words, he has bigger fish to fry right now... This isn't about you, he needs to focus on his sobriety right now.
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Old 13th August 2018, 8:40 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Whodatdog View Post
I dont think those 2 things are coincidental. It seems to me that more and more men are secretly horrified of marriage. Many dont consider it a natural step in their life, but that it is something to be feared. Stories of bad divorces, financial ruin fuel these feelings. Where its a natural next step for women, its often not for men. I wonder had you not started planning a marriage, if he wouldnt have started drinking again. Maybe it is coincidental; maybe not.
Also the huge financial responsibility of marriage and having to be the strong one is scaring a lot of men out of marriage.
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Old 13th August 2018, 11:27 AM   #9
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It does sound like he has relapsed or he is afraid he is going to relapse...

In other words, he has bigger fish to fry right now... This isn't about you, he needs to focus on his sobriety right now.
Does it seem at all plausible that he will contact me again in the future? Is it normal to shut yourself off completely from the one you love?

I also want to add that I was going to help pay for my ring or use my gma’s and I wanted a simple court house wedding. He was gong-ho about having a kid and pushing for it for over a year.

Does anyone know how long recovery takes ( esp if they hadn’t relapsed). I know every situation is unique, I’m looking for a ballpark figure here.

Last edited by JiltedJane; 13th August 2018 at 11:30 AM..
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Old 13th August 2018, 11:45 AM   #10
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I bet money he'll contact you over and over - to have sex with you, and when he feels lonely. It's not evil as it sounds - it's normal deconvolution response.

I highly doubt it it will go back to anything serious from here on... And you may waste years trying to figure this one out

For addiction remission, the initial criteria is 12 months, but I believe something like 3-5 years is the risky time. It's a chronic illness...


Quote:
Originally Posted by JiltedJane View Post
Does it seem at all plausible that he will contact me again in the future? Is it normal to shut yourself off completely from the one you love?

I also want to add that I was going to help pay for my ring or use my gmaís and I wanted a simple court house wedding. He was gong-ho about having a kid and pushing for it for over a year.

Does anyone know how long recovery takes ( esp if they hadnít relapsed). I know every situation is unique, Iím looking for a ballpark figure here.
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Old 13th August 2018, 11:48 AM   #11
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JJ, is this the same guy? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/bre...can-t-get-over

If so, don't waste a second on him anymore, he wasted to much of your time already and it's just not fair to you....
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Old 13th August 2018, 12:07 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
JJ, is this the same guy? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/bre...can-t-get-over

If so, don't waste a second on him anymore, he wasted to much of your time already and it's just not fair to you....

No no, that was a different doushe bad
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Old 13th August 2018, 12:10 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
I bet money he'll contact you over and over - to have sex with you, and when he feels lonely. It's not evil as it sounds - it's normal deconvolution response.

I highly doubt it it will go back to anything serious from here on... And you may waste years trying to figure this one out

For addiction remission, the initial criteria is 12 months, but I believe something like 3-5 years is the risky time. It's a chronic illness...

When you say remission, do u mean the program or how long it takes to detox? Heís already seeing a counselor and going to meetings 3-4 times a week.

As for contacting me, I feel like he wonít reach out for sex or anything. In the last few weeks where we were rocky I always had to contact him and would either not get a response or wait hrs to up till a day.
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Old 13th August 2018, 12:55 PM   #14
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The program. Detox should be a non-issue if he's not using...

If he doesn't reach out, the bright side is you'll move on faster. I'd say if you don't reach out he might contact you more, because he'll wonder what's going on.

How was your relationship before the break? Did you live together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JiltedJane View Post
When you say remission, do u mean the program or how long it takes to detox? Heís already seeing a counselor and going to meetings 3-4 times a week.

As for contacting me, I feel like he wonít reach out for sex or anything. In the last few weeks where we were rocky I always had to contact him and would either not get a response or wait hrs to up till a day.
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Old 13th August 2018, 1:10 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
The program. Detox should be a non-issue if he's not using...

If he doesn't reach out, the bright side is you'll move on faster. I'd say if you don't reach out he might contact you more, because he'll wonder what's going on.

How was your relationship before the break? Did you live together?

Before the break were absolutely fine. we spoke all day every day and saw each other six times a week . We didnít officially live together because I didnít want to live with somebody without being at least engaged first and he was fine with that . He was very supportive partner the best I ever had . We were truly a team . His personally transformation really felt like it happened overnight .
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