How can he?

[Louisa86]

So 8 months ago I met a man who had been divorced and had two children - never a scenario I’d choose for dating but I fell for him and genuinely felt we had an amazing connection and he behaved like he felt the same.

 

Our relationship was happy- I have nothing but happy memories until the end

 

At the time I met him I was caring for my two seriously ill parents - I made it clear at the outset things would be stressful etc but he was adamant he’d cope as he wanted to be with me.

 

My mum passed away recently and a week later my boyfriend had rang me telling me he was coming over so we could decide together what to have for dinner. However, he arrived and whilst looking upset announced “I’m really sorry I can’t do this anymore.”

 

He was with me the day mom died and told my family he’d always be there for me and support us all through this as he loved me and I was an amazing person.

 

 

After weeks and weeks of no proper explanation he told me he was struggling with everything and he had found it too hard to talk to me about things sooner with all that was going on - he’d felt neglected etc but didn’t want to sound selfish by saying to me so he left it too long to talk about things and it got too much to the point he felt he just wanted out. He said the stress of everything had taken the shine off how he felt about us

 

Since this-

 

- He text on the day of my mums funeral asking how things went

- I reached out to him and he responded that he was going to do the same

- we’d been emailing back and forth for weeks

- he’d said the week after breaking up that most of the time we were together was magical

- he’d asked me to meet up to talk but then after my mums funeral text saying he wasn’t up for meeting as he felt he was moving on (but said he hadn’t met someone else)

- I left it weeks without contacting him then we’re texting again when he tells me he’s recently met someone but didn’t plan it - turns out a week after we split someone txt asking him for a drink so he went (obv I don’t believe this and think he may have reached out to someone for comfort? He really never seemed the type to cheat and is adamant he didn’t)

 

After this revelation I drove to his house and left his remaining things on his doorstep. On driving away I drove past him on a main road and he rang me just generally chatting before asking where abouts I now was so he could catch me up to talk - so he came to meet me, got in my car, asked me for a hug and we chatted for ages - he said he had times when he’d missed me, felt he’d made a mistake etc but as he’s not been through many break ups he didn’t know how to deal with it and felt he’d left it to late to ring me to make things right. He then said this other person has now come along and he sees something in that. He said that we can’t sort things because of how he feels for this other person now.

 

The meet ended badly and he left.

 

The next day he emailed me telling me his parents had sat him down and massively grilled him about how poorly he had treated me and he said he saw the gravity of how badly he’d treated me at the worst possible time. He also said he couldn’t change that he doesn’t see us together again but that I shouldn’t stay upset as he’s clearly not worth it

 

I replied telling him what I thought of him in an angry but dignified way and told him I didn’t want him to reply. I’ve now not contacted him in almost three weeks and don’t plan to for a long time.

 

Does he still care for me?

Is it that he can’t face what he’s done so he’s throwing himself into something new to mask that/deal with it?

Is she a rebound?

Any hope we could sort things in the future?

 

I feel he’s acted terribly but made a rash decision which he probably regretted but then knew how awful it was and didn’t know how to make it right

 

What do you all think?

[PegNosePete]

Does he still care for me?

Is it that he can’t face what he’s done so he’s throwing himself into something new to mask that/deal with it?

Is she a rebound?

Any hope we could sort things in the future?

Oh my goodness. Look, this guy treated you like a piece of dog dirt on the floor.

 

And you're asking if you can sort things out in the future???

 

WHY ON EARTH would you want to sort things out with someone who treated you like that?

 

Come on now, you need to get some self respect.

 

Cut this joker out of your life and find a DECENT guy!

[Louisa86]

I know it really was the worst way I’ve been treated - just when we were together he was the perfect partner and this is really out of character for him so I’m struggling to accept it

[PegNosePete]

It's not out of character for him at all. You just didn't know his character well enough. This is his true colours.

[stillafool]

 

He said the stress of everything had taken the shine off how he felt about us

 

Since this-

 

- he’d asked me to meet up to talk but then after my mums funeral text saying he wasn’t up for meeting as he felt he was moving on (but said he hadn’t met someone else)

- I left it weeks without contacting him then we’re texting again when he tells me he’s recently met someone but didn’t plan it

 

He then said this other person has now come along and he sees something in that. He said that we can’t sort things because of how he feels for this other person now.

 

 

Does he still care for me?

 

Of course he cares for you but he has moved on to another girl and has made it quite clear that he has feelings for his new girl and doesn't want to break up with her. I don't think he will be back. I'm sorry but you will be okay.

[ThreeRainbows]

This new relationship may or may not last. Who knows.

 

 

 

What you should do is go completely NC. Focus on moving on. This guy did NOT care about your feelings at all. He did NOT try to work it out. This happened because he was too late in telling you his feelings of being engulfed (he has avoidant attachment style), and therefore, you were not able to respect yourself/show your boundaries in time to him. However, that part is not your fault.

 

 

 

 

You probably shouldn't have communicated as much as you did with him after he broke up with you. He strung you along a bit as you were friend-zoned. That only loses respect in his eyes.

 

 

 

Go completely NC. No texts, emails, calls, etc. Only time you should even consider breaking NC is if he arrives at your doorstep / sends you a handwritten note pouring out his regretful feelings for you, how he screwed up, etc. Like the NC guide says : A full 180.

 

 

Even then, he will probably keep doing this until he matures. So it's up to you at that point if you want to deal with someone like that. You could find someone better / more securely attached.

[Gretchen12]

I think this is a genuinely nice guy who tried to do all the right things and he treated you well. He had to go through all the stress of your family matters from the start, it's a lot to expect from someone who had no history with you. You can move on easier if you let go of your anger.

 

He couldn't do it anymore. Losing feelings for you does not make him a bad person. And if you really think he done you wrong, why would you want him back? He met someone (and why not?), that's hurtful for you because you stuck around to hear about it. This is why you need to have no contact with him.

[Louisa86]

He also told me last time I saw him that he still has feelings for me it’s like he’s deliberately trying to mess up my head.

 

Yes he was good re my family but I also took on his two children!! To have him treat me this way and not just communicate how he felt like an adult (he’s 35!)

[Louisa86]

And he started seeing this other person a week after we split! How can he move on that quickly? And before I’d even buried my mother - part of me is sick with anger and hurt I can’t believe someone would treat someone this way

[Louisa86]

What do you mean by avoidance attachment?

[marky00]

I think this is a genuinely nice guy who tried to do all the right things and he treated you well. He had to go through all the stress of your family matters from the start, it's a lot to expect from someone who had no history with you. You can move on easier if you let go of your anger.

 

He couldn't do it anymore. Losing feelings for you does not make him a bad person. And if you really think he done you wrong, why would you want him back? He met someone (and why not?), that's hurtful for you because you stuck around to hear about it. This is why you need to have no contact with him.

 

I don't really see it that way. Since her mum has now passed on, things would be better but he now leaves?

 

It's almost as if her being pinned down by her issues suited him. Now that she's in the clear and likely to be more available he leaves.

 

Food for thought.

[ThreeRainbows]

What do you mean by avoidance attachment?

 

 

There is a science behind the way people act in intimate relationships. Pick up a book or do some research on attachment theory. Your boyfriend has the classic signs of avoidance attachment style. They tend to run when things get too close, or people become dependent upon them emotionally, or are clingy. They struggle with communicating their feelings and desires assertively until it's too late, and then they overreact in a cold way. As your mother died, he probably felt pressured to care for you. It's possible you were a little more emotionally dependent on him during this time (totally understandable), and these factors combined caused him to feel "engulfed."

 

 

 

The fear of engulfment is what actually lies underneath avoidant attachment style. It is a fear of having your identity taken over by another. It comes from not being assertive enough, not saying no appropriately, and not being 100% authentic. It is a boundary problem.

 

 

One good book I just finished on the subject is "Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. Wrong (or Ms. Wrong), and Make You a Better Partner" by Jeb Kinnison. It's a great place to start.

 

 

Good luck!

[Louisa86]

It is all so confusing

 

Indeed as my mum died I’ve now got tonnes of time on my hands and I’m the least stressed I’ve been since he’s known me that’s what I don’t understand!!

 

Part of me wonders if he just can’t face what he’s done and made a rash decision as he couldn’t communicate his feelings? And then because he’s dropped me at such an awful time is he then unable to face what he’s done to talk to me to sort things? So he throws himself into a rebound?

[ThreeRainbows]

It is all so confusing

 

Indeed as my mum died I’ve now got tonnes of time on my hands and I’m the least stressed I’ve been since he’s known me that’s what I don’t understand!!

 

Part of me wonders if he just can’t face what he’s done and made a rash decision as he couldn’t communicate his feelings? And then because he’s dropped me at such an awful time is he then unable to face what he’s done to talk to me to sort things? So he throws himself into a rebound?

 

 

The right thing would have been for him to be truthful to you in the moment, not wait so long that it got this bad. The right thing would have been to try to work it out. However, he is human.

 

 

 

The right thing for you to do now is let him go. Respect his wishes. It sucks, but you will feel like the bigger person for it. And then, stay NC. You deserve better. When he realizes he has LOST you, he very well may regret his choices.

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, I would imagine this other person has been on the scene longer than he's admitted to. He might not have cheated, no, but I don't buy they just randomly connected a week after breaking up and he now sees a future with her. I think he didn't know how to tell you he'd met someone else, so he waited until after your mother had passed and tried to spin it (someone texted me a week later to go for a drink, I swear!) so he doesn't look like a total arse.

 

For the above reasons, I don't think this is a rebound. He wanted to end it, and he chose to be with this other woman. Will it last? Who knows. But I don't believe he was hurting so much from the break-up that he just had to find a replacement immediately. It's more likely he knew darn well what he was doing and tried to go about it in such a way that wouldn't trigger your suspicion.

 

I would not welcome this man back even if his new relationship falls apart. He is not life partner-material. I am terribly sorry about your mother too, OP. You certainly don't need such a dolt in your life at a time like this. You can do better.

[Louisa86]

I really don’t know what to think as I agree it sounds suspect I didn’t believe she’d text him. At the least I think he may have decided to contact her to start something up rather than end up single again I dunno

 

He was with me so much and otherwise with his children I don’t think he had time to cheat

[Louisa86]

Apparently she’s someone he went on one date with months before meeting me but they took it no further...

 

I smell several rats tbh and wish he’d just be honest with me

[Louisa86]

And since splitting he has said he still has feelings for me and initially did say a part of him felt maybe we could sort things in the future

 

Weeks later he then declares he’d met this person a week after we split

[stillafool]

 

He then said this other person has now come along and he sees something in that. He said that we can’t sort things because of how he feels for this other person now.

 

Don't make excuses for him.

[Louisa86]

When I saw him last he did seem regretful like he was so mixed up in his feelings and had messed up. Do you think there is a possibility he’s ashamed of his behaviour and that’s why he didn’t try to resolve things?

 

His own parents turned on him over it all and he has apologised many times telling me he’s not worth it etc etc after all I guess it would be hard for him to face my family again after one day telling my dad he’d be there for me at the funeral and the day after dumping me!

[ExpatInItaly]

When I saw him last he did seem regretful like he was so mixed up in his feelings and had messed up. Do you think there is a possibility he’s ashamed of his behaviour and that’s why he didn’t try to resolve things?

 

His own parents turned on him over it all and he has apologised many times telling me he’s not worth it etc etc after all I guess it would be hard for him to face my family again after one day telling my dad he’d be there for me at the funeral and the day after dumping me!

 

No, not really. I'm sure he's not proud of how he handled things, but I don't think that's what's keeping him away. He told it was because he's dating someone else - you'd be best to believe that. I know it's hard to accept, but it's better that you don't grasp at false theories as to why he won't be back.

[ThreeRainbows]

When I saw him last he did seem regretful like he was so mixed up in his feelings and had messed up. Do you think there is a possibility he’s ashamed of his behaviour and that’s why he didn’t try to resolve things?

 

His own parents turned on him over it all and he has apologised many times telling me he’s not worth it etc etc after all I guess it would be hard for him to face my family again after one day telling my dad he’d be there for me at the funeral and the day after dumping me!

 

 

Don't see him again. That was a mistake. If a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains. No worries. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

 

 

Work on:

 

 

1. Feel and process your emotions. Do a meditation where you focus on the pain in your heart, not the thoughts in your head. The thoughts prolong the pain.

 

 

2. Every time you catch yourself even thinking of him, redirect your thoughts. I like to use the mantra: "No contact, no contact, no contact." This will help you move on faster.

 

 

3. When you're ready, go out and meet new people. Not for rebounding, but to gain some perspective. This guy is not everything; there are many attractive fish in the sea.

 

 

The faster you move on, the better you will feel. And, he just may sense it. I don't want to give ANY false hope, but I do believe there is a connection we all share, through thoughts and emotional vibrations. Why else do exes return only when their old partners have fully moved on, without even talking to them? Just food for thought.

 

 

Main point: moving on is a win-win.

[preraph]

He was wanting out before your mom died (so sorry) and didn't have the heart to do it with all that going on. But then he felt the pressure of getting more involved into your family life and knew he had to get out before it went any further, because he wasn't going to want to stay.

 

Does he care? Not enough to be with you. I'm sorry. Grieve and then start dating again.