Ex Keeps Breaking NC - What Does He Want?

[Elpida.]

Two weeks ago the sweetest guy ended things with me out of the blue. He has a lot of struggles with anxiety and depression and so I decided not to push anything and accepted it. One week later (last Friday), we went for coffee to talk about everything and both agreed it best to move on.

 

Since then I've gone NC. Since Monday I've been away on a business trip with some fellow co-workers. I use stories on Instagram and I've noticed that my ex keeps looking at them and what I am doing. He doesn't use or post to Instagram - he has an account but I (and a handful of celebs) are the only people he follows yet I've noticed that if I put a story up, he's watched it pretty swiftly after.

 

Actually with NC and being super busy I was beginning to feel better. I blocked him off social media and we agreed not to speak again.

On Thursday he called me and when I saw his name came up, I answered out of surprise because I thought maybe there was some problem. He started calling me cute nicknames he said when we were together and asking random questions about my work, my parents, and asking if I'd met anyone else. He started reminiscing about sexual stuff and then I just ended the call.

 

On Friday he texted me briefly to say he had a headache. I can't understand this random chatter as if nothing happened. I haven't been in contact with him since. I am trying to make sense of it all. What is he trying to do?

 

I am thinking to send a message telling him to stop contacting me again. I was really quite heartbroken about the breakup and if he made a lot of effort to reconcile I would be interested, but it feels like he doesn't know what he wants and I don't want to be jerked around. I was feeling better until the call now I'm wondering what he's up to and back to square one.

[Gretchen12]

I remember your other post. And now to answer this one.. I think a big part of you wants to hear that he is interested in getting back together. You ask "what does he want", you want our answers to be "he wants you back". This is because you have not completed the denial stage of the break up process. We all go through that. I certainly did and only recently.

 

Going by his previous actions that you've described, it doesn't look good. While I can't know for sure what's on his mind, I wouldn't advise you to wait for a change of heart. He knows you want him.

 

And if you persist in saying you don't want to hear from him, you're not being completely honest. You're torn, I understand that. Picked up his call out of surprise? Sorry I don't buy it. You were glad he called and you picked up because you wanted to. You know you didn't have to pick up his call.

[Elpida.]

I remember your other post. And now to answer this one.. I think a big part of you wants to hear that he is interested in getting back together. You ask "what does he want", you want our answers to be "he wants you back". This is because you have not completed the denial stage of the break up process. We all go through that. I certainly did and only recently.

 

Going by his previous actions that you've described, it doesn't look good. While I can't know for sure what's on his mind, I wouldn't advise you to wait for a change of heart. He knows you want him.

 

And if you persist in saying you don't want to hear from him, you're not being completely honest. You're torn, I understand that. Picked up his call out of surprise? Sorry I don't buy it. You were glad he called and you picked up because you wanted to. You know you didn't have to pick up his call.

 

No. Don't tell me how I'm feeling and try and pass off your opinions as facts. That is not the case at all. As mentioned, I'm away on a work trip and actually started feeling much better.

However I find it very strange that he would call me calling me little pet names or stalk my Instagram constantly.

 

For the record I don't sit around dreaming of him wanting me back. If he can end it once, I'm not going to wait around hoping for him to change his mind only to end it again. I'm trying to move on so I can think about potentially meeting others, I just find it very peculiar behaviour.

[vickyp]

Why didn't you block your phone?

[Elpida.]

You're right, I should have! I guess I just didn't think it was necessary.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'd say he's just looking for attention when it suits him. And if he tried to reminisce about sexual things, well, that kind of speaks for itself in terms of what he wanted from that call, no?

 

He might not want you as his girlfriend, but he still wants someone around when he's bored or wants a little ego boost. Tell him to stop, or simply block him.

[Elpida.]

So basically I thought about it and thought about it, and I decided to send him a (perfectly nice) message to say that speaking to him felt like going back to square one and we shouldn't talk again so I'd block his number.

 

He said:

 

"If I die, you'll never find out about it" (Um, okay.. )

and

 

 

"Maybe we'll meet again in the near future but he wasn't sure."

I said no, I wasn't going to be waiting around to see if he wanted me or not.

 

Then he got really nasty and started asking if I was texting other men or having sex with random guys on my business trip (wtf?) then bought up an argument from weeks and weeks ago, and told me that I'd never meet someone as passionate in bed as him.

 

I'm just sitting here wondering how the whole crazy situation unfolded.

[vickyp]

So basically I thought about it and thought about it, and I decided to send him a (perfectly nice) message to say that speaking to him felt like going back to square one and we shouldn't talk again so I'd block his number.

 

He said:

 

"If I die, you'll never find out about it" (Um, okay.. )

and

 

 

"Maybe we'll meet again in the near future but he wasn't sure."

I said no, I wasn't going to be waiting around to see if he wanted me or not.

 

Then he got really nasty and started asking if I was texting other men or having sex with random guys on my business trip (wtf?) then bought up an argument from weeks and weeks ago, and told me that I'd never meet someone as passionate in bed as him.

 

I'm just sitting here wondering how the whole crazy situation unfolded.

 

It unfolded because you haven't blocked your phone. Even after his last text, you haven't blocked. If you want to continue to be mind fuc#ed. Don't block. If you actually want to move on and be happy. You will do 100 percent NC. Which is also blocking your phone. Good luck

[Normm]

You're very foolish for continuing to communicate with him.

[Elpida.]

You're very foolish for continuing to communicate with him.

 

There's no need to be rude about it. Of course, when you're feeling upset over a breakup maybe you don't always act in the most logical way but still!

[Elpida.]

It unfolded because you haven't blocked your phone. Even after his last text, you haven't blocked. If you want to continue to be mind fuc#ed. Don't block. If you actually want to move on and be happy. You will do 100 percent NC. Which is also blocking your phone. Good luck

 

I know but I mean, I guess I thought he'd behave like a normal person and just cut contact as agreed not that he would not only not cut contact but that he'd also start such outrageous arguments

[FMW]

Don't reach out to him again. That includes not responding to him if he contacts you again.

 

I understand not blocking and responding to him earlier, as you said, dealing with a breakup is difficult and we don't always (or even usually) act wisely or logically.

 

His latest comments were rude and hurtful and hopefully will keep you away from him. They reveal really bad character and/or emotional problems on his part that you don't need to deal with. Take care of yourself by not interacting with him further.

 

We all have to do things in our own time though. I hope you're ready to move on and not look back.

[WinterRose]

My personal experience:

 

I broke up with my ex, regretted it, and later contacted him. I contact him because I still love him and want to hear from him. I hope that one day he will say he wants me back or will come to love me again. We didn't make an agreement not to contact each other, but he has never reached out to me. He'll only reply to my messages and answer the phone the couple times I called. Sometimes I reach out with pretty random things just with the hopes to strike up a conversation (this usually doesn't work).

 

Everyone is different so it is impossible to diagnose someone's behavior. I think you need to have a face-to-face conversation with each other, even if it has to be a video chat. It sounds like you both need closure or maybe you both have strong enough feelings for each other to come back together. You need to be 100% honest with each other, even if it may be hard. If the feelings are still there but you're unsure if being together is a good idea, talk now and then agree to talk at a later date (with no contact in between). Maybe you should even try disconnecting from social media for a bit or agree to temporarily block each other.

 

The sexual comments are concerning though...you need to be careful he isn't just contacting you for sex.

Edited July 22, 2018 by WinterRose
update

[Elpida.]

My personal experience:

 

I broke up with my ex, regretted it, and later contacted him. I contact him because I still love him and want to hear from him. I hope that one day he will say he wants me back or will come to love me again. We didn't make an agreement not to contact each other, but he has never reached out to me. He'll only reply to my messages and answer the phone the couple times I called. Sometimes I reach out with pretty random things just with the hopes to strike up a conversation (this usually doesn't work).

 

Everyone is different so it is impossible to diagnose someone's behavior. I think you need to have a face-to-face conversation with each other, even if it has to be a video chat. It sounds like you both need closure or maybe you both have strong enough feelings for each other to come back together. You need to be 100% honest with each other, even if it may be hard. If the feelings are still there but you're unsure if being together is a good idea, talk now and then agree to talk at a later date (with no contact in between). Maybe you should even try disconnecting from social media for a bit or agree to temporarily block each other.

 

The sexual comments are concerning though...you need to be careful he isn't just contacting you for sex.

 

Thanks Rose.

 

With this guy he has a lot of internal demons and mental issues which are probably not helping the situation. I don't mean that in an insensitive way, of course I would stick by someone who was depressed but otherwise kind, etc but it's causing a lot of drama I guess.

 

I replied to his messages to say I was blocking him and his response was to get really upset and say that he needed me and then list a load of his problems and tell me he's not feeling good. I told him I didn't want to be his emotional crutch.

 

My gut is that he cares about me, but not enough, and he isn't sure exactly what he wants and seems to think it's okay to keep me waiting around while he figures it all out. I've blocked his number now so that should be it.

[Elpida.]

Thanks Rose.

 

With this guy he has a lot of internal demons and mental issues which are probably not helping the situation. I don't mean that in an insensitive way, of course I would stick by someone who was depressed but otherwise kind, etc but it's causing a lot of drama I guess.

 

I replied to his messages to say I was blocking him and his response was to get really upset and say that he needed me and then list a load of his problems and tell me he's not feeling good. I told him I didn't want to be his emotional crutch.

 

My gut is that he cares about me, but not enough, and he isn't sure exactly what he wants and seems to think it's okay to keep me waiting around while he figures it all out. I've blocked his number now so that should be it.

 

It's really disturbing to me that someone would bring up harming themselves or something else as a threat/response to cutting contact.

[vickyp]

I know but I mean, I guess I thought he'd behave like a normal person and just cut contact as agreed not that he would not only not cut contact but that he'd also start such outrageous arguments

 

I was with someone like this. So I know how you feel. I wish I had found this website when I was with him. Regardless, he isn't "normal" and everyone here who has made a comment, I'm assuming are talking from experience. I don't think people here are responding in a rude way either. This forum helps each other out. Your a big girl, we can all say go full NC, but at the end of the day it's your decision and life. I do hope you make the right decision. Take care.

[Elpida.]

Don't reach out to him again. That includes not responding to him if he contacts you again.

 

I understand not blocking and responding to him earlier, as you said, dealing with a breakup is difficult and we don't always (or even usually) act wisely or logically.

 

His latest comments were rude and hurtful and hopefully will keep you away from him. They reveal really bad character and/or emotional problems on his part that you don't need to deal with. Take care of yourself by not interacting with him further.

 

We all have to do things in our own time though. I hope you're ready to move on and not look back.

 

Thank you, you're right! It's disturbing to me he'd be so nasty and strange when he is the one that ended it with me not vice versa. I was feeling better until he contacted me. The weird thing is about Instagram. I will block him but he was watching everything I posted instantly. I can't be sure but it's like he saw me getting on with life and felt pissed about it. I'm away on a work trip so I'm already under stress and pressure but he doesn't have any sensitivity about that.

 

I work in procurement so I spend a lot of time in India, Turkey, or developing countries visiting factories. He's always accusing me of sleeping with men. Who would I be sleeping with out here exactly? Ridiculous.

[ThreeRainbows]

And if you persist in saying you don't want to hear from him, you're not being completely honest. You're torn, I understand that. Picked up his call out of surprise? Sorry I don't buy it. You were glad he called and you picked up because you wanted to. You know you didn't have to pick up his call.

 

 

A little harsh here if you ask me. Yeah, she didn't have to pick up the call, but she sounds like a very reasonable person. She's not playing any games, and assumed the same of him (that part's not the wisest). She may have residual feelings, she's not denying that to anyone. Of course, most people after a breakup hope their ex does a full 180, etc. But, she also seems to have her head on her shoulders, and is doing most things right. Most people on here go down the FwB road, or worse, at least this lady's got a fair amount of self-respect.

 

 

Kudos to you OP for your determination in doing what's best for you! <3

[WinterRose]

Thanks Rose.

 

With this guy he has a lot of internal demons and mental issues which are probably not helping the situation. I don't mean that in an insensitive way, of course I would stick by someone who was depressed but otherwise kind, etc but it's causing a lot of drama I guess.

 

I replied to his messages to say I was blocking him and his response was to get really upset and say that he needed me and then list a load of his problems and tell me he's not feeling good. I told him I didn't want to be his emotional crutch.

 

My gut is that he cares about me, but not enough, and he isn't sure exactly what he wants and seems to think it's okay to keep me waiting around while he figures it all out. I've blocked his number now so that should be it.

 

Blocking his number was a good idea. My ex definitely had some issues he needed to work out so I understand why your experience is a hard one. For me, I always try to see the best in everyone. I think I cut him too much slack during our relationship, but it is part of my nature to be kind and accepting towards everyone. In my mind, I thought that being in love would somehow motivate him to fix some of his issues. I was wrong about that though - it is purely up to him if he wants to improve. I waited around too long hoping he'd get better. It only hurt me more in the long run and somehow made me feel like a failure.

 

It's good to get out early on before you put too much hope in him changing. That is something he would have to decide himself, and in his own time. Good luck to you!

[CantTakeMySmile]

Thank you, you're right! It's disturbing to me he'd be so nasty and strange when he is the one that ended it with me not vice versa. I was feeling better until he contacted me. The weird thing is about Instagram. I will block him but he was watching everything I posted instantly. I can't be sure but it's like he saw me getting on with life and felt pissed about it. I'm away on a work trip so I'm already under stress and pressure but he doesn't have any sensitivity about that.

 

I work in procurement so I spend a lot of time in India, Turkey, or developing countries visiting factories. He's always accusing me of sleeping with men. Who would I be sleeping with out here exactly? Ridiculous.

 

I have a question because I don’t really do social media. How

Do you know he watches it? And can you not stop or block him from your account? Also, why do you continue posting right now at such a volatile time? Again, I am just Mott social media savvy so I always wondered why

People keep posting?