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Why isn't she fazed?


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Hey guys,

 

So i was dating a girl for over a year, things were great we rarely argued, done a TON of travelling together and created a ridiculous amount of memories. She wanted to move in together a couple months ago and i agreed, we moved in together in a different city and for the first few weeks i got a little situational depression which caused me to bury myself in my computer and work, i stopped working out and lost weight, i was a muscly guy when she met me but now im pretty skinny. I didn't want to go on walks with her and didnt spend much time with her and i can fully understand why she would look elsewhere for a new companion. So, the time comes and she tells me she doesnt think she wants to be with me, and i completely get it, i shouldn't be a burden to anyones life and i wasnt the guy she fell for. She was crazy about me up until this point. So we had to live together for atleast the next week and during this time i went back to the old me, we went on walks, spent time together, id cook for her etc and she told me she got some feelings back. Unfortunately for me she had her sights set on another guy whos energy made her happy whilst i was being depressing (they didnt do anything whilst we was together but they worked together). So my last day before i leave our house, during this week i can see shes pretty mixed emotionally but happy shes confident in her decision. I caught her making out with this other guy not long before i was due to fly out, and it broke my heart, but hey, shes single.

 

My main grievance is, since ive left shes gone completely cold, this isnt like her, anytime we have come close to a breakup she would be in tears, distraught infact. She is hanging out with this guy alot clearly, and i fully believe it to be a rebound. I suppose my question is, is she going to hurt? Why isnt she upset? We spoke and she told me she feels nothing and is happy with her decision. Ive made myself way to available since we split which i know is a mistake and helps her be cold, but ive gone NC now and im wondering if shes going to miss me, or feel any pain over this breakup. I know im the best guy shes ever had, shes a very honest girl and says what she thinks, so when she tells me im the best sexual partner shes had and that she doesnt think she can get anyone better in bed, i believe her as ive seen her (before we was intimate) tell guys that they was terrible in bed or was average, shes had a decent amount of partners sexually but very few relationships/actual connections so what we had for sure is unique. I know i cant get definitive answers but what are the odds she will contact me after i go NC. I just want to know shes upset and misses me so i know the relationship meant something, getting back together isn't my main goal.

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You're a typical young male? age 30 or less?

Relationship happiness for women are not ALL about how great the sex is. You can be an absolute God in bed the best she has ever had but if you're not pleasing her socially in some certain ways then she will get bored sooner or later.

 

Get over her, if you're really that good in bed I'm sure you'll have many great experiences with other women in future :)

Edited by Kirsty91
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Lotsgoingon
I know im the best guy shes ever had, shes a very honest girl and says what she thinks, so when she tells me im the best sexual partner shes had and that she doesnt think she can get anyone better in bed, i believe her as ive seen her (before we was intimate) tell guys that they was terrible in bed or was average, shes had a decent amount of partners sexually but very few relationships/actual connections so what we had for sure is unique ... what are the odds she will contact me after i go NC. I just want to know shes upset and misses me so i know the relationship meant something, getting back together isn't my main goal.

 

I thought you were going to describe your pain and sadness and the feelings of rejection ... and then ... you ruined it with "I know I'm the best sex partner she's ever had."

 

Really? Is that where your mind goes?

 

If so I'll break it to you: people don't date just for sex ... And frankly, part of being a good sex partner is how you connect with the person. So there is really no such thing as "the best sex partner." There are an infinite number of ways of being a great sex partner and many of these are incomparable- you can't compare ... because the person changes. People often tell each partner you're the best--whatever the heck that means.

 

And anyway, the bigger point is that people happily--thrillingly--dump partners who might be great in bed because they can't stand being with that person anymore. They do this every day of the week. If a great sex-mate acts like a jerk (or just proves incompatible with us) the sex drive and attraction to that person can disappear in a flash. In a nano-flash.

 

So if this is where your head is, then absolutely no, she doesn't miss you because you misunderstand the basics of a romantic relationship. Why would she miss you? You were only a body--and apparently she has a new body.

 

Now, I know I've been tough. So here's more compassion. It's painful and a blow to the ego to be dumped ... really really disorienting and painful ... And to see the person who dumped us move on to another partner ... another layer and level of sadness and hit to the ego.

 

What you want to understand is how you're feeling now is NOT how you'll feel in a month or in three months or in six months or a year.

 

Right now you are viewing your worth through the eyes of this former partner. That's only a phase. We all go through that phase when we're dumped. Over time, you will realize wait, that's just one person. I don't need to see me as she sees me. I didn't fail. I just didn't fit with her.

But the tough point is ... your ex doesn't regret dumping you for one minute of the day. My ex who dumped me didn't regret it for a moment of the day. She was deliriously happy to not have to date me, because she didn't think I was the right partner for her.

 

Doesn't mean your ex hates you ... or that mine hates me ... but no, she doesn't miss you. Just like you probably don't miss any of the people you dumped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

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HAHA no I get that it’s not all about that, she was happy with everything, my company, me as a person etc she was a very happy girl during her time with me and I contributed a lot to that. I’m getting over her that’s not the issue, I’m just wondering why she isn’t bothered, she she’s not upset/fazed? We spent a lot of time and memories together, she flew from Aus to the uk to see my family, she moved from Aus to New Zealand to be wth me so she was clearly very happy and into me. I can get over the relationship no problem, what I can’t get over is how she went cold all of a sudden and appears to be completely unfazed by the end of this relationship. I believe the rebound is masking it and u will hit her later down the line, but yeah I suppose I’m just confused. I didn’t mean to come across as a found with the sex comment I was trying to portray that there was happiness throughout every aspect of the relationship, sorry I didn’t think through the wording correctly. Re reading my Op I come across as a typical young male with a huge ego, sorry I really didn’t mean it like that.

Edited by mcfcjay
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Lotsgoingon

Well contrary to your claim, clearly she was NOT happy in all aspects of the relationship. Plainly, something about the relationship made her EXTREMELY unhappy.

 

So I have no idea what you are saying. Did you guys date several years? You're telling me you NEVER saw a moment of her being unhappy in the relationship? Never?

 

Are you saying the breakup came completely out of the blue?

 

Let's start here: Why did you say she wanted to break up? Usually people give reasons. What were her reasons? (The reasons stated aren't always accurate but often they point in an accurate direction.)

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HAHA no I get that it’s not all about that, she was happy with everything, my company, me as a person etc she was a very happy girl during her time with me and I contributed a lot to that. I’m getting over her that’s not the issue, I’m just wondering why she isn’t bothered, she she’s not upset/fazed? We spent a lot of time and memories together, she flew from Aus to the uk to see my family, she moved from Aus to New Zealand to be wth me so she was clearly very happy and into me. I can get over the relationship no problem, what I can’t get over is how she went cold all of a sudden and appears to be completely unfazed by the end of this relationship. I believe the rebound is masking it and u will hit her later down the line, but yeah I suppose I’m just confused. I didn’t mean to come across as a found with the sex comment I was trying to portray that there was happiness throughout every aspect of the relationship, sorry I didn’t think through the wording correctly.

Ok then and to be fair to you... I'm also confused that's just odd of her or even anyone. Maybe she has some other issues going on in life she's not opening up to you or anyone about.. sorry for no advice.

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Well contrary to your claim, clearly she was NOT happy in all aspects of the relationship. Plainly, something about the relationship made her EXTREMELY unhappy.

 

So I have no idea what you are saying. Did you guys date several years? You're telling me you NEVER saw a moment of her being unhappy in the relationship? Never?

 

Are you saying the breakup came completely out of the blue?

 

Let's start here: Why did you say she wanted to break up? Usually people give reasons. What were her reasons? (The reasons stated aren't always accurate but often they point in an accurate direction.)

Some people are just so messed up its difficult to try help them as they don't communicate well enough to resolve any issues, they just stay bottled up and end it there.

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The whole relationship was happy until we moved in together and i got a little depressed, and buried myself in my computer and work. When we first moved in she was so excited to be with me, but yeah me being distant took its toll, she said i wasnt the happy/singing/dancing guy she met who loves working out and going out etc. And thats fair i wasn't, and yeah for the last week of us living together even though we broke up i put effort in to cook, go for walks with her, give her the affection she was chasing and she admitted she was getting feelings back, but i believe it was too late at this point as this other guy had clearly captured her interest during my depressive faze, she said she craved that energy that i lost and he had good energy. I believe this to be a rebound without a doubt, and i believe in a few weeks she will be hurting over this breakup after the honeymoon period. I'm just upset that she seems so unfazed, and i believe its because shes masking it with spending time with this new guy. I'm just hoping after a while of NC she will miss me and reach out, i don't know if i want to be with her, just want to know that i meant something and even though it may have been the right choice, shes hurting. She certainly has alot of issues, her history shows she has trouble connecting beyond physically with people, but i appeared to have broke that, most guys she shrugged off after getting what she wanted but she wanted more from me, she wanted a life with me. At times she would randomly wake up crying in the night, i had no idea why, that was early on in the relationship. When it was just physical in the beginning of us meeting (was like this for around a month) she met someone she wanted to date and i was like no problem, but after a week she got in touch saying she really missed me and thats when we decided to give a relationship a go, and it lasted from febuary last year up until 2 weeks ago. We done so much during that short time its actually impressive the things we done and places we visited. It was a very short space of time from her being very happy to her wanting to break up, i was depressed for about a week or two and that was all it took. We both had to fly down to the place we was living from different cities as we had spent a couple months working in different places, and the happiness in her eyes when i met her at the airport, the excitement when we got into the house, it was unfakeable, it went from that to breakup within around two weeks.

Edited by mcfcjay
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Hey, I feel for you, I wish I could offer better words here.

 

You sound like a great guy, but just try get over her. Trust me I've had similar experiences with guys, and I've heard their stories of their ex girlfriends. People are proper fu'd up. We all have our problems in life we have to deal with including our friends problems. All you can do is try stay thick skinned because other things in life will make you even more depressed. You will find another woman without a shadow of a doubt, just hope she's more open to talking about feelings than she is. I've had it with some ex boyfriends and FFS... seriously, just open up guys its that simple.. but noooo gotta make everything so complicating

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I wish i could say i wasn't one of those guys though haha im pretty bad at opening up, i didnt open up to her about me being depressed until after she broke up with me, i guess i felt like less of a man for having a down period in my life. I'm not completely heart broken or a quivering mess, i think about her but since we split i moved cities again and ive been offered the job oppertunity of a lifetime, ive been waking up early just to go out walking, im working out again, it seems to be my post break up reflex is to become a better version of myself, partly because i want them to regret their decision but mostly it makes me happy. I feel healthier, ive got my passion to be successful back. I suppose i do want her to see me in a month or two looking healthy, happy, successful and in shape, the same guy she originally fell for. Kinda just hate the feeling that she can just walk away from me with zero emotion.

Edited by mcfcjay
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The reason she isn't fazed is because she got over you while still in the relationship with you. By the time it ended she was over it and ready to move on. You are right that this other guy's actions were appealing and she wanted to give him a try so at that point in your relationship it was easy to move on from you. Don't be hard on yourself because what you're feeling is normal. Rejection is very hard to get over.

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Surely two weeks isnt enough to get over someone you clearly cared deeply about? I know its always taken me longer! I do believe she will compare this guy to me alot, i do believe she will eventually miss me and question her decision, and the haste she took in making it. She was very happy then two weeks later it was over, that's not enough time to be over someone for sure.

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CantTakeMySmile

If you want to know if she will Miss you, and you said you do you believe she will, and I’m not sure what the question is? But, on a different note, if you really love her why do you want her to hurt? Especially if you don’t even know if you want her? Is it just an ego thing

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Maybe it is an ego thing, maybe im crazy about her im not sure yet, i just know the most painful part of this is how she seems so unfazed, like i meant nothing to her, i just want to know i meant something to her i guess. The reason i dont know if i want to be with her is because if she can bin me off and jump into another mans arms so easily and be so cold, why would any self respecting man go back to that? Prior to that i wanted a life with her. Maybe i still do i dont know this is so fresh at the moment that its hard to figure out. In the ideal world i dont want her to hurt, but ****, i feel horrible thinking that i meant nothing to this girl i invested so much into, and she invested so much into me. I guess i just want some female perspective on if she will miss me or not, will she contact me being upset thinking she made a mistake, will she hurt, will she think about me. I just feel worthless and disposable i guess.

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Surely two weeks isnt enough to get over someone you clearly cared deeply about? I know its always taken me longer! I do believe she will compare this guy to me alot, i do believe she will eventually miss me and question her decision, and the haste she took in making it. She was very happy then two weeks later it was over, that's not enough time to be over someone for sure.

 

So your period of depression lasted only two weeks?

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I have small periods where I get really down in life and hide away from the world, feeling like I have no direction in life and a whole whirlwind of emotions, I would have felt ****ty for longer but I tried to kick myself out of it when I realised I was losing her, I wasn’t sleeping at night, I went 3 days with around two small meals and about 6 hours of sleep (before we broke up). It happens to me occasionally but I normally snap out of it when I settle somewhere, normally happens after a big change in circumstance

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getting back together isn't my main goal.

 

This is all you need to say here. She probably knows this. And women are goal oriented. You should just trust that you meant something to her. But it's all past tense. Even if she misses you once in a while, you are not a part of her life, so you won't know.

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ExpatInItaly

I'll give some female perspective, as I see it: Unfortunately, she'd already checked out by the time she broke up with you. You yourself said things went downhill after you moved in; she then lost interest and found someone else. Or perhaps this guy was already in her orbit when things weren't working out between you two and she decided to give a go with him.

 

That's why she doesn't seem upset. She did her grieving while she was still with you and trying to get you to notice her and participate in the relationship. Yes, you had good memories together but clearly that wasn't enough to override her doubts. Investments in the relationship are unfortunately no longer entirely relevant when one party doesn't feel the same anymore. It doesn't feel fair, but that's the way it goes.

 

In my opinion, she isn't rebounding. She wanted the relationship to end; rebounders are usually the dumpees who are so hurt they go for anyone to try to fill the void. That doesn't mean this new relationship will last, necessarily, but she didn't start it for the same reasons heartbroken and rebounding dumpees do. She was hurt before the relationship ended; now she is already much further along the grieving process and isn't feeling what you feel anymore. She already did.

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Yeah i get you, we still lived together for like 2 weeks after we split, i only moved out 4 days ago, and during the two weeks i would ask her about how she feels and she says she feels fine because im still there, its like she hasnt lost me because we still share a bed/sex/activities etc. So ive only actually been out of her life for 4 days. Things went from her being incredibly happy - then to breaking up within two weeks, so surely she didnt check out and get completely over me within two weeks.

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ExpatInItaly
Yeah i get you, we still lived together for like 2 weeks after we split, i only moved out 4 days ago, and during the two weeks i would ask her about how she feels and she says she feels fine because im still there, its like she hasnt lost me because we still share a bed/sex/activities etc. So ive only actually been out of her life for 4 days. Things went from her being incredibly happy - then to breaking up within two weeks, so surely she didnt check out and get completely over me within two weeks.

 

But that again begs the question - how long were you in this depressive state?

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I agree with others that she was dealing with the breakdown of the relationship while you were still together. You were just too depressed to notice.

 

Also, you only know what she is showing you, what you see on the outside. You don't know what's going on in her head, in her heart. I've been told I come across as very cool and calm when inside my heart may be breaking.

 

I'm sure she has and maybe is still hurting, but she's committed to moving on.

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I was in my depressive state for around two weeks when i snapped out of it due to the breakup, i tried to go back to the old me for our last week of living together to show her that im still that guy, and it sorta worked she did say she was getting feelings back, she even said she looked at places to work in the city im moving too... I think she thinks the grass may be greener on the other side and wants to give this new thing a shot, ive been in that position before, worked out horribly for me and most people i know, everyone i know who has done this including me has felt they made a huge mistake after a few weeks. I asked her before i left if she was doubting her decision, one time she said maybe another time she said no. I know she had very deep feelings for me, feelings that can't be lost over the space of a few weeks. It's just whether she misses me enough in the next few weeks to reach out. I like to think this is potentially salvageable but i don't know what i want myself yet. Ive gone full NC 3 days ago so time will tell i guess.

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ExpatInItaly

How long has she been seeing her new guy, OP? Were they friends before, while she was still with you?

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Nah, they only met a couple weeks ago, like around the time we broke up, she says he had a good energy and obviously i didnt because i was depressed. I feel in a few weeks when she sees the shape im in and how happy/energetic/driven i am, she will regret her decision. It's a long history of amazing memories to not get nostalgic over, but obviously the excitement of this new thing keeps her mind off me.

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. I guess i just want some female perspective on if she will miss me or not, will she contact me being upset thinking she made a mistake, will she hurt, will she think about me. I just feel worthless and disposable i guess.

 

The reason she isn't fazed is because she got over you while still in the relationship with you. By the time it ended she was over it and ready to move on. You are right that this other guy's actions were appealing and she wanted to give him a try so at that point in your relationship it was easy to move on from you. Don't be hard on yourself because what you're feeling is normal. Rejection is very hard to get over.

 

I am also a female and gave you my prospective above which is very similar to ExpatInItaly's prospective.

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