Two month of LC, but disastrous setback tonight.

[Autumnlove20]

I'm new to the forum. Hoping to vent and maybe get other perspectives about my former relationship. I had a bad setback tonight.

 

Backstory - I was seeing a guy on/off for 2 years. Summer 2017, we took our longest break to "figure things out" and during that time he moved away for work and started seeing someone around Christmas. During his time with Carmen, he and I continued a sort of emotionally affair. I found myself being needy and begging for him to come back, and he continued to entertain the possibility of getting back together, but he refused to leave her because he didn't want to hurt her. We were still having phone sex, and being flirty sometimes.

 

In March 2018 Carmen (who was here on a temporary visa) was miserable and homesick, so she returned back to her country. They broke up, because of the distance and communication issues. He and I then started a LD relationship. We fought sometimes, but it things was mostly good.

 

April - He started a push/pull sort of behavior with me. One minute, he wanted us to "talk more" to figure things and figure out if he was going to move back here, and what he would do for work. He was very unhappy with his job, and living situation. His hot/cold behavior was frustrating and painful for me! One day I felt loved and he wanted to be sexual, and the next day I felt rejected by his lack of desire to commit. This went on for weeks.

 

May - I told him I wanted to start dating again. I told him that he didn't know what he wanted. He basically wished me well and said maybe we "could work on ourselves" in the next 3 months and that was it.

 

I then started NC and put forth a good effort to move on. Of course, in the back of my mind, I had hoped he'd realize he made a mistake and come back.

 

3 weeks into NC, he messaged me with concern about how I was doing and he kept asking if I was seeing anyone. I told him I'm dating, but nothing serious. After that conversation, I foolishly got very angry with him and told him to stop contacting me because he doesn't want to be with me. He replied that he stopped contacting me because I had asked him too. Fair enough! I ignored that messaged and started round 2 of NC.

 

June - He contacts me on his birthday. It was a breadcrumb "Doing any bike riding?" I didn't purposely ignore him because I didn't see his Skype message because I'd been avoiding signing on.

 

July - I responded two weeks later to his message with polite conversation. I kept it very short, told him I was moving to a new home. I asked about his mother, then quickly said my goodbye.

 

One week later he messaged me at 6 AM. Again, I didn't respond. I was signed out of Skype. The next day, he messaged me again, and then on the third day another message. Still no response from me. He messaged me 5 different days, then deleted all of his messages except the two where he apologizes for hurting me and one where he said he didn't think it was appropriate to contact me, but he still cared for me.

 

TROUBLE...

 

When I didn't respond to those missed Skype messages, he went snooping around my online journal 3 times. I could see he was there. I ignored his presence. The next day, he texted me "hey" (first text in almost 3 months). I responded two hours later with a simple "Hi".

 

More trouble....

 

He asked how I had been, he said he hadn't heard from me, and wanted to say hello. Mind you, we just spoke 1 week before when we had that polite Skype conversation. He admitted that he went on my online journal hoping that I would see him. I thanked him for his concern and he hits me with the passive-aggressive BS: "Well, I guess I let you be. Have a great summer.

 

I %#@$&^ up...

 

We continued the conversation, and it went front pleasantries, to blame, then some anger. The first mistake I made was telling him that I was sure he and Carmen were back together and I wished them the best. (I really did, because I was trying to be positive). He said they aren't together, but that he started dating someone locally and THAT'S when all the pain came flooding back and that's when I lost my two-month progress. I once again couldn't understand how someone who "needed to focus on themselves" and "figure out their life" was back in a relationship after two months. And THEN, I realized he DID want a relationship (or a body), just not with me/mine. Yep, it hurt like hell and I've been crying my eyes out all night.

 

He also said, all those deleted messages were things he wanted to talk through with me, but he didn't think it was good to do so because he didn't know how he was feeling, so he removed the messages because they were inappropriate. He said he's been thinking about a lot of things lately. Afterward, he hits me with the "I gotta go, but great catching up" He says maybe we can talk sometime on the phone. I said what for, we aren't friends and then I foolishly reminded him of all the times I cried over him.

 

This whole conversation felt like one of the previous ones we had when he was with Carmen. Me on the outside and him giving me hope, when in reality, he never wanted to be with me. A good friend warned me months ago that there would always be something. He would always have something or someone in between us to prevent having to take the next step with me, and now it's another woman in the middle again. He even admitted that contacting me was leading me on and he ended the conversation by saying he was sure we would talk again in the future, but he wouldn't contact me anymore and that he was sorry and he told me bye. He said this while on the way to see the new woman. I told him he should look in the mirror and figure out what he thinks he's getting from trying to keep me in his life even though these attempts always end badly.

 

I almost feel like he enjoys the feeling of a new relationship, but then eventually finds a way to back out slowly. Carmen was in love with him and wanted to move to the US to be with him, but he found a way to wiggle out of that.

 

Why?

 

What I can't understand is why he sought me out for an entire week if he wanted nothing? I guess I got my hopes up because it felt like he wanted to come back because he was trying so hard to make contact. Was he really just trying to clear his conscience, like I had first suspected? Was he testing the waters? Ego boost? Nostalgia, revenge? The good thing is that tonight hit me so hard that I don't ever want to feel this way again. I felt like this once during a horrible breakup ten years ago and I never looked back when that ex returned two months later. It's like a feeling of acceptance. Him dating a second woman made me realize, it's never going to be me.

 

I blocked him everywhere, deleted his contact info, deleted his text messages history which is something I haven't done in forever. I still have feelings for him, but now I've realized he's never going to want me, and he can't even grasp how much his constant rejection affects me. I hope NC round 3 is a successful one. 3 times the charm.

 

Thanks for reading and sorry for any format or grammatical errors.

Edited July 21, 2018 by Autumnlove20

[guest569]

 

I blocked him everywhere, deleted his contact info, deleted his text messages history which is something I haven't done in forever.

 

Bravo!

 

Im not sure what else to say but I can see why this off and on relationship has made things difficult for you. How many breaks does he need to "figure himself out"? I don't know how you put up with it for so long.

[ExpatInItaly]

He was probably trying to get in touch with you because his local woman wasn't giving him the attention he wanted.

 

These types of people are bad news. They'll do and say just enough to keep you warm, in case they decide that the single life wasn't for them and they want a more steady back-up plan.

 

Your big warning sign was back when he was with his ex and carrying out an emotional affair with you. That should have sent you running for good.

[Gretchen12]

You are focusing on the "rejection", not on whether or not he's right for you. This makes it harder to get over an ex.

 

The relationship wasn't working, that's why you broke off last year. He didn't make you happy. He didn't make Carmen happy (she left, you are naive to believe it was home sickness). He came back to you it lasted only one month in March. I expect the new woman will dump him too.

 

You choose (your mate). Sometimes it seems the woman moves on easier because women can be very pragmatic in seeking happiness, family, security. And men are focused on the ego, rejection, that's more painful because that attacks the self worth.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Just remember this guy is not your future partner. You made some mistakes, like carrying on with the phone sex. Whatever happens is just for now, until you find a better guy. Whether or not your ex wants you back does not change your desirability.

[Autumnlove20]

Bravo!

 

Im not sure what else to say but I can see why this off and on relationship has made things difficult for you. How many breaks does he need to "figure himself out"? I don't know how you put up with it for so long.

 

Apparently, taking time to figure himself out meant moving on to another woman. No baggage there, so he gets to hit reset. Just before we broke up, he told me that he thought we were in different places in our lives right now. I guess me wanting a real relationship after two years of us being unable to leave each other alone was too much to hope for. I wasn't seeking marriage or children. Simply a commitment and a real effort on his part.

 

The funny thing is, when I mentioned a recent vacation I took to Florida, he said that he was just thinking the other day that he needed to move there. What's interesting about his statement is just before we broke up in May, he kept talking about moving to Florida. I wanted him to move back home so we could try or at least have him move someplace closer. I got really annoyed with the fact that he was trying to move further away from me, rather than closer. That was the wake-up call for me that set things into motion, and that is when I started to realized that he didn't want to be with me at all. So, now when I hear him say that while with the new woman, it just makes me laugh.

 

I thought to myself, he's her problem now. His indecisiveness, mood swings, inability to commit to anything, procrastination, porn addiction, money troubles, and insecurities are all hers to deal with. I spent two years trying to break through, and two years trying to give him everything he said he needed. I never succeeded, maybe she will have better luck.

[Autumnlove20]

He was probably trying to get in touch with you because his local woman wasn't giving him the attention he wanted.

 

These types of people are bad news. They'll do and say just enough to keep you warm, in case they decide that the single life wasn't for them and they want a more steady back-up plan.

 

Your big warning sign was back when he was with his ex and carrying out an emotional affair with you. That should have sent you running for good.

 

I think you're right! I've never had someone so rudely disregard a request to stop contacting me the way he has. Over and over I told him to leave me alone, and let me go, because every time he came back, I would feel hurt and rejected all over again because he didn't want to be with me. And every few weeks after the last blowout, he would continue to reach out to me with breadcrumbs, despite him saying previously that he "understood" and "wished me well".

 

He goes on to say he's confused right now and not sure what to do, he wants to talk about some things with me, but it wouldn't be right. He makes sure not to pull me too close because to him "it's inappropriate" cause he's with someone. Maybe he's a narcissist, because why would someone continue to demand time and attention from someone when they know that their presence is causing the other person pain?

 

I'm not very experienced in the relationship department, but I guess this is what happens when couples break up? They find it hard to move away from the emotional attachments they have with their ex, so they continue to return to them, even if the outcome is a negative one.

[Autumnlove20]

You are focusing on the "rejection", not on whether or not he's right for you. This makes it harder to get over an ex.

 

The relationship wasn't working, that's why you broke off last year. He didn't make you happy. He didn't make Carmen happy (she left, you are naive to believe it was home sickness). He came back to you it lasted only one month in March. I expect the new woman will dump him too.

 

You choose (your mate). Sometimes it seems the woman moves on easier because women can be very pragmatic in seeking happiness, family, security. And men are focused on the ego, rejection, that's more painful because that attacks the self worth.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Just remember this guy is not your future partner. You made some mistakes, like carrying on with the phone sex. Whatever happens is just for now, until you find a better guy. Whether or not your ex wants you back does not change your desirability.

 

Thank you! Yes, my ego has taken a beating over the last year. I'm more angry at myself for allowing this to go on so long. The warning signs were right there, and I ignored them. When things were good with us, they were really good and it was perfect, and so I continued to crave that false sense of perfection while ignoring all the other signs that told me he wasn't the guy for me. I wanted to believe that him keeping me around meant that he loved me, and wanted me, but it was the attention he sought.

 

The good news is that I have a headstart on NC 3.0. Over the last two months, I've gotten used to not speaking with him, or being with him. I think I had my final cry last night and with zero hope left in my heart for us to rekindle things, I know I can do this again. I didn't completely eliminate him from my life the first time around, which is where I screwed up. I won't make that mistake again.

[ExpatInItaly]

He goes on to say he's confused right now and not sure what to do, he wants to talk about some things with me, but it wouldn't be right. He makes sure not to pull me too close because to him "it's inappropriate" cause he's with someone. Maybe he's a narcissist, because why would someone continue to demand time and attention from someone when they know that their presence is causing the other person pain?

The narcissist label gets tossed around a lot, which is something only a professional could accurately diagnose. It could just be plain selfishness that drives this behaviour. He's thinking a lot more about satisfying his own need for attention that about protecting your feelings.

 

I'm not very experienced in the relationship department, but I guess this is what happens when couples break up? They find it hard to move away from the emotional attachments they have with their ex, so they continue to return to them, even if the outcome is a negative one.

When the relationship was generally respectful, this is not what a break-up looks like, no. Break-ups are never pleasant and there are usually feelings of sadness or sometimes anger involved, but I would not say this level of dysfunction is the norm. I have only seen it once in my own life, from a very dysfunctional person.

[Autumnlove20]

The narcissist label gets tossed around a lot, which is something only a professional could accurately diagnose. It could just be plain selfishness that drives this behaviour. He's thinking a lot more about satisfying his own need for attention that about protecting your feelings.

 

Yes, you're correct! Perhaps it is selfishness.

 

 

When the relationship was generally respectful, this is not what a break-up looks like, no. Break-ups are never pleasant and there are usually feelings of sadness or sometimes anger involved, but I would not say this level of dysfunction is the norm. I have only seen it once in my own life, from a very dysfunctional person.

 

Something I can't understand is why he has a constant desire to make contact? He did apologize repeatedly for hurting me, but so many times we have a final goodbye chat with both of us seemingly understanding that we're no longer going communicate and we both would move on with our lives. This only last 3-4 weeks, then he reaches out.

 

Let me explain further. When he was with his ex, I caused a lot of trouble for him during this time. I was needy, called him a lot and basically went bat poop crazy. I lied and told myself over and over that I was "fighting" for him. He continued to communicate with me, even though the situation was clearly unhealthy for us both. He even sent me flowers on my birthday, and his ex later found out after they had broken up and was very upset with him.

 

He later confirmed that I caused a lot of trouble between he and his ex, but he said he understood because he knew that I loved him. He later forgave me for all of my wrongdoings.

 

Now that he once again has the freedom to move on and be happy, he still continues to reach out to me. Even though he knows how erratic I can get sometimes. He knows if he gives an inch, I will take a mile, so to speak. It's like he expecting me "fight" for him again, or he's using me as an escape route in case he gets scared and doesn't want to be with the new woman. I just don't understand the purpose of this. Is it merely selfishness? Why can't he just let go? Maybe I'll never know.

Edited July 21, 2018 by Autumnlove20

[Gretchen12]

He can contact you as much as he wants and it wouldn't upset you if your heart has moved on. If you are still wanting him, you'll suffer even if he leaves you alone. The more you invest, the more attached you become. When I say invest, that includes investing time thinking about him, why he does this or that. In your mind he becomes more than he really is. If you have him completely I wonder how long before you tire of him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Now that he once again has the freedom to move on and be happy, he still continues to reach out to me. Even though he knows how erratic I can get sometimes. He knows if he gives an inch, I will take a mile, so to speak. It's like he expecting me "fight" for him again, or he's using me as an escape route in case he gets scared and doesn't want to be with the new woman. I just don't understand the purpose of this. Is it merely selfishness? Why can't he just let go? Maybe I'll never know

 

Because he's the type of guy who always wants a back-up on standby, OP. He likes having his ego stroked by having a girlfriend and watching you snap to attention when he gets in touch.

 

Yes, it's selfishness. It's ego-driven. He gets bored when his primary girlfriend isn't paying attention or argues with him, so he knows who will definitely respond. You. It's not about him letting go; he did that a long time ago, emotionally-speaking. This is about him feeling like "The Man" in his own head.

 

There are sadly plenty of people out there like this. An ex of mine was one of them. He even continued to try to get in touch after he'd gotten married. And I know for a fact I was not the only ex on the roster of women he tried to chat up. They bait a hook, drop it in the pond, and see which one will bite first.

[Autumnlove20]

So, yesterday he messaged my best friend on Facebook. Don't forget, I have him blocked everywhere.

 

He told her that he just wanted me to know that he was very sorry for hurting me, and he apologizes for contacting me and he won't do so again.

 

She asked him why he kept bothering me, and he said that he only kept messaging me because he wanted me to know that he still cared about me, and that the only reason he didn't speak to me often after our breakup was not because he didn't care, but because it wasn't right since he was with someone else. He told her that he would still like to be friends with me and if I'm ever in his town, he wants to meet up as friends.

 

I seriously can't even believe I dated this guy. I told her to block him and she did.

[CantTakeMySmile]

So, yesterday he messaged my best friend on Facebook. Don't forget, I have him blocked everywhere.

 

He told her that he just wanted me to know that he was very sorry for hurting me, and he apologizes for contacting me and he won't do so again.

 

She asked him why he kept bothering me, and he said that he only kept messaging me because he wanted me to know that he still cared about me, and that the only reason he didn't speak to me often after our breakup was not because he didn't care, but because it wasn't right since he was with someone else. He told her that he would still like to be friends with me and if I'm ever in his town, he wants to meet up as friends.

 

I seriously can't even believe I dated this guy. I told her to block him and she did.

 

 

 

Glad you were able to get over it!