I’m stuck in limbo ***Updated***

[Fguiopm]

I’m going through a lot right now, sometimes more than I think I can handle.

 

My first ever relationship started last year on May 15th, it was his first relationship too. His past is colored with a lot of females and he’s also a Kappa (divine 9 Greek fraternity). He loved me, he changed a lot for me (which were really more social changes because he was now in a relationship, and he treated me well. My biggest problem in the relationship was communication, I never knew how to open up and express to him something that was bothering me. I also would be silent sometimes just because I felt something was bothering me. He always told me how difficult I made things but he stood by me. Now I’m not saying he was perfect which is something he also acknowledged but he did make his own mistakes which seemed to overshadow mine (at least to me, now looking back I was selfish). Our relationship dynamic really changed when I had an abortion in February. Although he supported my decision and helped me pay for it, he wasn’t there for any of the appointments or for the actual abortion. He was out partying, smoking, drinking and coming in at whatever time to ask me how I felt. When I told him how that affected me he sincerely felt bad. I forgave him and we moved on. He was the kinda guy that wanted to please everybody, too friendly. I caught him texting females and each time it was “oh it’s this girl I used to talk to she’s going through something I’m just helping” but to me texting consistently for more than one day will definitely lead somewhere especially with someone from your past. Long story short, I forgave him the first time because we all make mistakes. The second time I caught him texting a female that was asking him if he was flirting, asking him to come see her and he was entertaining all of it. When I asked him about it he lied directly to my face. He sincerely apologized, I forgave him. Now after that I was paranoid as **** lol like always checking his phone when I had the chance, wondering what he was doing when he was out. I just didn’t like the person I was becoming. This is what put the cherry on the top and why I broke up with him — I saw a message he sent his brother stating “I think ****** wants to **** me” and his brothers response was “Do it. Actually no don’t. I would” and my ex’s response was “I would”. I broke up with him the next day. I told him “I can’t build that trust back so I think we should move on”. He gulped, said okay, then got up to take a shower. He came back to me packing all my stuff up and I left. Less than 6 hours later, he created a new Instagram (which I knew the password to because I was a crazy irrational mess) and he was already talking to a number of females, he even got back in contact with the girl he was texting and lied to me about. He also told me they had never ****ed or done anything, lie. The Instagram DM’s told another story. This is a man that treated me so well and I never made him question my loyalty, my communication was ****ty and I brought stuff up from the past but I always forgave, forgetting was the hard part. After the abortion and the lying, my sense of needing him all the time and my sense of wanting him sexually I guess changed as well. He said he felt that I didn’t need him anymore and that he felt that he went from feeling like a king to a houseboy. I never purposely wanted him to feel like that, he was my love, my world. But it was a defense mechanism I guess I used to make sure he couldn’t hurt me anymore. I don’t know if he’s ever physically cheated but the fact that he was able to jump back into the world of females so quickly hurts me to the core. He looks happy out here and I’m wanting him back. I know everything I need to work on on myself but I just need help getting through this. Getting through the fact that maybe I wasn’t the best girlfriend but that he also lied to me so why do I still want him back.

 

After the breakup I didn’t contact him for a day, then I contacted him crazy and irrational asking how he could be back to females so quickly. He told me he still loved me but that it wasn’t about love. It was about having a sustainable relationship. My biggest mistake and regret was I couldn’t control my emotions afterwards and kept trying to ask him to meet and I even asked for sex once like a damn fool knowing he already had females lined up. I’m on day 2 no contact and we broke up almost a month ago which is pathetic. He always answer my texts up to me asking him to meet up. He didn’t wanna see me, he never actually said that but he said me breaking up with him made him realize a relationship isn’t what he needed and that he didn’t see what else there was to talk about. He has one more semester of undergrad and I just graduated. Even through all this I’d take him back. Not today but if he contacted me a month from now. I really love him but I think I’m at the point where if someone I truly felt attracted to showed some interest I’d be fine without him. I don’t know.

Edited July 20, 2018 by SincerelyB
Typos

[kztar]

HMMMM. HE'S a KAPPA. I just broke up with my ex who was also a KAPPA about two weeks ago. I will tell you, I've had experiences with them before but this was the first one i've officially dated and I will NEVER EVER do it again!

 

My best advise is MOVE on. They NEVER GROW up. My ex is 31, and he drank everyday, his lb's are all in rocky relationships, disappeared for weekends when he went out drinking with his lb's. They are too concerned about frat events, their lb's business, having thousands of Instagram followers and social media friends (mainly girls) and shimmying. My ex had a child which made me think he might be a different type of kappa as I had experiences with them. I went to a school that was very greek active and there were tons of them around but i'm much OLDER. This is an adult adult and you're still talking about this guy being in undergrad.

 

I feel for you because I learned they are all pretty much the same. I told my ex, you certainly fit the Kappa bill and here I am thinking you're different.

 

and please DO NOT beg and plead. These men love that. They already feel like they own the world. THEY ARE THE LAST PEOPLE you wanna plead and beg to. pleading and begging is not good but with them it's a whole new level. go full NC and don't reach out.

Edited July 20, 2018 by kztar

[Fguiopm]

Wooow lmao that’s so crazy! He just asked me to meet up next Monday maybe I shouldn’t go.

[Fguiopm]

My ex doesn’t care about social media and stuff like that though. He also doesn’t drink that often or party that often. He is now of course since I just broke up with him but maybe I’m making excuses

[Lotsgoingon]

Just a polite heads up. I really want to read your story.

 

But the long second paragraph is really just too long for me to feel like I can get through.

 

So do me a favor and see if you can post again, breaking your writing into shorter paragraphs. For online reading, we really do need lots of spacing and shorter paragraphs.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is in no way ready for a relationship, OP.

 

He's too young and immature, and he will continue to play around for a long while until he truly settles with just one girl.

 

Block him so you can move on. This will end in more heartbreak if you persist.

[Fguiopm]

I broke up with my ex, my first love, a month ago. Since then I did all the wrong things, basically begged or tried to change his mind. It wasn’t constant calling, I actually never called him but it would be like a text every other day the first week then it trickled from there. I asked him to meet up like 4 days ago because I’m moving and I kinda just wanted “closure” which of course isn’t real lol. He didn’t reply then I sent him a long like 4 page letter explaining how I felt since the break up and what I’ve been changing for future relationships. I didn’t write this letter with the intention to get him back but really to just communicate (which was my biggest problem in the relationship) and just to apologize for not respecting his space. He texted me an hour after I sent it to say we should talk Monday. I told him if he wants to meet just to say move on then we shouldn’t. He said we aren’t getting back together but he did read the letter. I said ok cool, well I’m glad you did. We had casual conversation after that about where I’m moving and that I got a new job then I told him goodbye. He said he’s still open to talking because there’s nothing he could type that would be an adequate enough response to my letter. I said ok we’ll talk Monday.

 

I kinda don’t know what I’m gonna say, he obviously said we’re still not getting back together so what could he wanna talk about. I said a lot in the letter but I don’t know, I’m just feeling like he’s still gonna say “move on” lol. My intentions with the letter were to only express myself and I explained that to him.

Edited July 22, 2018 by SincerelyB
Typos

[FMW]

Maybe he just wants to address some of the things in your letter to him, maybe explain his "side". Maybe he thinks you have misunderstood some things and wants to clear them up.

 

I think it's highly unusual for a guy to suggest meeting in a situation like this, so it's nice he's not just shutting you out and ghosting you like a lot of men do. Points to him for that.

 

Let him start the conversation and go from there. Keep your expectations in line, he's apparently been clear he thinks the relationship is over. Don't set yourself up for further heartbreak.

 

Good luck, I hope you find the conversation with him helpful in understanding and moving on.

[WinterRose]

Hi SincerelyB,

 

I think I know how you feel on this one. I broke up with my first boyfriend and regretted it the next day. A couple days later, I asked to talk and he agreed. I told him I regretted my decision and wanted to be together. He said he needed time to think. I too, sent him a long letter expressing my feelings (I mailed him love letters throughout our relationship).

 

I still loved him, as it sounds like you still love your ex. We ended up meeting in person about a month later and he told me he thought it was best if we weren't together so he wouldn't hurt me anymore with his busy medical school schedule. It really hurt, but we said we'd try to be friends.

 

But, months later, I still loved him. I reached out, wanting to meet in person for a walk before I moved away for an out-of-state summer internship. He agreed to it, but solely to "catch-up." This hurt a little, as I still loved him and had hope for us.

 

I had no idea what I would say. So many thoughts went through my head: Should I go for closure and to move on? But wait, I still love him. I don't want to lose him. Does he still love me too? Will I scare him away if I tell him I still love him? Has he moved on? If he has moved on, shouldn't I try then?

 

I went to my mom for advice and she told me I needed to know what I wanted to get out of the meeting. She summed it up nicely: do you want to keep the door open (do you want to keep him in your life) or do you want to close the door (do you want to move on without him)?

 

It was so clear when put that way. Deep down I knew what I wanted, but I still wasn't sure.

 

Well, the meeting finally came in early June and it went really well. We talked for hours and it came naturally. He didn't bring up that he wanted to be together, but he told me he felt he just couldn't handle being in a relationship during med school. This stung, but I appreciated his honesty. I thought that maybe I could really learn to be friends and keep him in my life. I felt a lot better keeping the door open.

 

But, I must warn you - when you were truly in love with someone, your feelings for them are so hard to let go of. I felt better back then, but I've had good days and bad days since then. It has now been 6 months since my breakup, and I've video chatted my ex a few times since our last in-person meeting. Just friends. But, I still feel the pain of heartbreak and still wish we could be together. I still wish he would change his mind and drive out and show up at my door with flowers.

 

The next step is trying to become a better, stronger person and learning to live life on your own. I'm still trying to do this myself.

 

I really, really hope your meeting goes well! Just remember, do you want to keep the door open for a possibility of a future or do you want to close it and move on?

[WinterRose]

I broke up with my ex, my first love, a month ago. Since then I did all the wrong things, basically begged or tried to change his mind. It wasn’t constant calling, I actually never called him but it would be like a text every other day the first week then it trickled from there.

 

I can relate to this. I would reach out to my ex when I was hurt. When we were together, he told me he felt our relationship was special and meant to be. One day, I sent him a text and questioned if he ever really loved me (I felt very hurt that he didn't want me back).

 

I talked to him recently and he said when I asked him that question, it really hurt. In fact, he said that was the moment his love for me started fading. And here, I just wanted to try to get something out of him, for him to say he never stopped loving me. And I ended up doing the complete opposite.

 

My advice: If you still love your ex, DO NOT contact him when you feel hurt. You WILL say things you end up regretting and will probably make things worse. Reach out to a close friend or family member and talk to them before reaching out.

 

Just remember, your ex did not fall in love with the needy person begging for him to take you back (I can say that because I made that mistake myself). He fell in love with the happy person who wasn't dealing with the pain from a breakup. It is too easy to let the pain overpower you, so stay strong and try to be the person you were before you started dating your ex (the person who wasn't hurt from heartbreak).

[Fguiopm]

So I’m curious about what you think about this, I never told him why I really broke up with him. I did tell him it was because I couldn’t rebuild the trust he’s broken but that was only part of it. The night before I saw a text between him and his brother where he told his brother some girl he used to know and saw a party the night before wanted to **** him. His brother’s response was for him to do it and my ex said “I would”. That was the moment I broke up with him. I stated in the letter that there was another reason I broke up with him but hadn’t told him. It’s only been a month and I know he’s ****ing and talking to several girls. With that being said, I love him to death but I think this needs to be a meeting for me to close the door and move on. Should I tell him why I really broke up with him?

[marky00]

Should I tell him why I really broke up with him?

 

Guilt is maximised when you give them a SILENCE SANDWICH.

 

If you just disappeared now and went permanent NC, that's when he will start to understand what he did.

 

Telling him why you did it gives you temporary relief because you get to unload but it wont make you feel better long-term. In fact it will probably make you feel worse because you won't get the apology your hoping for.

 

Right now, he's probably looking for a way out to reduce his guilt and try to give an impression he's a decent person. That's not a very good situation for you. He hurt you and it's not your job to make him feel better now.

 

The best form of closure is the one you achieve on your own. You don't need him to help you with that (although I know that's easier said than done).

 

Doesn't sound like he wants to try again so I don't think there is much point meeting up.

[Fguiopm]

We ended up not meeting, I told him I was no longer interested then I backtracked lol (something else I need to work on in my season of singleness) but then he said ok he’d just respond to the letter. Whenever (if) he does, I’ll take that and move on.

[WinterRose]

We ended up not meeting, I told him I was no longer interested then I backtracked lol (something else I need to work on in my season of singleness) but then he said ok he’d just respond to the letter. Whenever (if) he does, I’ll take that and move on.

 

Based on your earlier comment, it sounds like you deserve someone a lot better. He is not looking for a serious relationship and it sounds like you are looking for something long-term. You want two very different things in your lives right now. If he writes you a response, read it and move on if you can.

 

You made the right choice in breaking up with him. He should understand that his actions were (and still are) wrong. He should figure it out himself and feel guilty about it without you having to tell him. If you reach out, he may only feel satisfied that you're still interested in him. It will make you look vulnerable (I learned this the hard way). You want to look like (and be) the stronger person. You know you want someone who will be committed to you and he cannot give you that.

 

Please reach out if he does answer your letter. You will most likely want to reply to him immediately and it may not be a good idea. There have been countless times where I reached out too quickly to my ex and later regretted it. I realized I probably sounded annoying and clingy, and that is not the kind of person I am. It's amazing what you can say when you feel hurt. Looking back at it, I wish I had talked to someone first. Now, I have close family members who told me to call them and talk to them first if I really feel the need to reach out to him again. This has really helped me break off the contact so I can begin to heal.

[Fguiopm]

I’m just wondering for guys, after you’re broken up with what are you next steps?

 

My ex immediately started talking and having sex with multiple females and I’m curious as to when he’ll crash and burn. When do guys realize the woman that truly loved them? It’s hard to accept (although I have) that the man I spent the last year with just doesn't care. He even went as far as getting back in contact with the female that he lied to me about. I’m crushed but I’m a lot stronger than I was a month ago when I ended things.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

When do guys realize the woman that truly loved them?

 

Not a healthy question. Seems like he's plowing his way through girls to help him move on. You on the other hand are holding out hope that he will see the light, change to the person you want him to be and come back.

 

No contact, no cyberstalking. Put him out of your mind and move on.

[Gretchen12]

I'm not a guy, but I think you're going about it all wrong. He may not crash and burn at all. In dating, guys are not looking for a woman that truly loves them. They're looking for a woman to love. That's the investment and resulting attachment.

[Fguiopm]

I agree with the both of you. It’s none of my business and I’ll take my love elsewhere.

[Normm]

Seems like he's plowing his way through girls to help him move on

 

 

I can think of worse ways to go about it.

Edited July 24, 2018 by Normm

[glows]

Good for you for working on your singleness and focusing on you.

[Fguiopm]

I broke up with my ex boyfriend two months ago and two weeks ago I finally felt confident enough emotionally and logically to tell him why I broke up with him. I don’t even really want to go into details but two weeks ago I was finally fine, moving on, dating, and living life. I went to Canada for two weeks ago and it was just so refreshing. Me and him were also finally in a great space where he finally wanted to talk in person when I got back from Canada. When I was there he even told me to be safe and that he loves me still. When I got back I ended up telling him why I really broke up with him and he blew up on me, telling me he was frustrated with the relationship, that he hated being around me and that I sucked he life out of him a lot of days. It’s been about a week since he said that and everyday I think about it I still feel like I can’t breathe. I haven’t contacted him in a week and I honestly don’t want to, there’s nothing to even say to someone that you’ve been with for over a year saying something like that to you. I just hate how I’m feeling now and I just wanna disappear into my bed.

[MountainGirl111]

Aw honey. I'm sorry he blew up at you. Not fun! Well, if nothing else, his reaction sort of reinforces to you a few possible things. Number one, his emotions surrounding you are still raw. Number two, he could have a bad temper. Hard to say, as I don't know the two of you. What were your reasons for breaking up?

[Fguiopm]

I saw a text of him telling his brother some girl wants to **** him. His brother told him to do it and my ex said “I would”. He lied to me about another female just a month before that so I had been SO paranoid and I knew we were both just not happy at that moment. He’s not the type to really have a bad temper so I don’t know if he said it because he got caught yet again doing/saying something he shouldn’t, if he said it because like you said his emotions are still raw, or if he said it because he really meant it. Regardless it doesn’t feel good and I can’t help but cry every time it crosses my mind.

[Fguiopm]

Then at the end he added that we could stop trying to pretend to be friends because it was getting played out and that since we’re not together he really doesn’t care to explain things to me. It was all just a side of him I’ve never seen.

[MountainGirl111]

All good reasons to break up. Sounds like he turned out to be a jerk.