jujuju Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 We broke-up on Sunday. A couple of days ago we got together for dinner/drinks. We both apologized for things we'd done. We both screwed up to some degree. I wanted to get back together. She said she didn't want to right now, she was still mad at me (this is two days removed from her saying I was everything to her and she loved me so much). She said we could be friends for now. I said that didn't work for me. As the night went on, we had a good time together. She mentioned a "break" for some time, "a couple days" she said, so she could get over what I did. She said she didn't want to see anyone else and that we would talk after this time. Something else happened that night to what she said, "I guess the universe wants us to stay together," jokingly. She also was calling me babe throughout the night. It's been two days since then and there's been no communication either way. I know not to contact her until she does me, no matter how hard that is going to be. But how much time should I give her? Is there an amount of time that's acceptable or normal in these situations? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 If you chase they just move farther away. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I never liked "wishy-washy" relationships or relationships where the woman needed to "take a break" from me. Life is short, don't waste any more time while she decides if she wants you or not. She feels she needs to "punish" you for whatever you did. That is complete crap. You are not a child and she is NOT your mother and you don't need to take whatever "punishment" she doles out to you. Be a man, grow a pair, replace her... Also you don't need to be friends, friends don't "punish" you for your actions. I dated one woman that gave me the "silent treatment" as a punishment for some stupid perceived infraction. I replaced her, and when she called me in 3 weeks, I told her to "pound sand" as she had been EASILY replaced. You've wasted two days waiting for her to contact you?? Why?? Dust yourself off, go down to your local pub and find "Miss Right for tonight"... NEXT!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThreeRainbows Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Or, if you love her, you could ask if she would work on these issues with you. The above poster is right, she shouldn't be punishing you. But at least she is telling you she needs a break (healthy) rather than just leaving you (unhealthy). Some people (myself included) battle avoidant attachment style, and the key is being conscious of it. We need breaks sometimes, and that's ok! If she loves you, don't be scared to be assertive, and ask her to work on the issues you have. Look up conflict resolution steps to help. Then, if she agrees, you know you've got a keeper. If she doesn't, you can walk away like the above poster suggested, with no regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 There's no magic formula . . .. if you stay away for 14 days & 3 hours but wear blue & stand on your head when you call, they will come back. People who want "space" are only trying to soften the blow as they tell you good bye 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 (edited) We broke-up on Sunday. A couple of days ago we got together for dinner/drinks. We both apologized for things we'd done. We both screwed up to some degree. I wanted to get back together. She said she didn't want to right now, she was still mad at me (this is two days removed from her saying I was everything to her and she loved me so much). She said we could be friends for now. I said that didn't work for me. As the night went on, we had a good time together. She mentioned a "break" for some time, "a couple days" she said, so she could get over what I did. She said she didn't want to see anyone else and that we would talk after this time. Something else happened that night to what she said, "I guess the universe wants us to stay together," jokingly. She also was calling me babe throughout the night. It's been two days since then and there's been no communication either way. I know not to contact her until she does me, no matter how hard that is going to be. But how much time should I give her? Is there an amount of time that's acceptable or normal in these situations? First off, good on you for declining friendship. You two will not be friends and will likely never be so long as feelings are there. There's two ways to go about this. ONE The first way comes from a self-centered point of view which is not a bad thing when it comes to something as fragile as your heart. Assume she is full of sh*t, block and delete her off of social media for your sanity, and carry on with your life. Grieve, mourn, focus on your goals so that you eventually get to a point where dating someone new interests you again. This way you protect yourself from uncertainty. From personal experience, other people's experiences, and reading many stories online, breaks are typically just a way for a person to ween themselves off of you because quitting cold turkey hurts too much. They may also want to date other people but keep you as a backup. Because of this tremendous risk, the second way I will suggest requires far more emotional strength. TWO Give her the benefit of the doubt. She said she needed a few days. Give her a few months. 3 months tops. This is more for you to eliminate the regrets you may have if you didn't do this and walked away far more quickly. Do not be the one to reach out. Not even on a birthday or during the holidays. The pace will be dictated by her. If you don't hear from her or if she does contact you but things are still on and off like this, you drop her and walk. You'll eventually rest easy knowing you did all you could do, gave her sufficient time to sort her thoughts out and she did nothing about it. She blew it. Expect that the uncertainty will emotionally burn you out very quickly. Holding on, even to a certain degree, hurts. You won't last long. So if you start to feel like other parts of your life are beginning to be impacted by this situation, you are now hurting yourself. That is the point you stop this, forget the 3 month timeline, and cut her out. Your well-being comes first. You will have to make sure it's worth it for you in this moment should you decide to do it. No regrets. If it pans out, the pay off will be far more rewarding to you emotionally. If it doesn't pan out, you cannot blame her for your waiting. That will be on you. Whatever you decide, make sure it's the best option for you in the given moment. That is the best you can do for yourself. - Beach Edited July 20, 2018 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 She says she needs to get over what you did - which was what, exactly? This sounds like the beginning of a break-up, OP. Couples who are genuinely strong and want to be with each other don't call time-outs like this; they might take space after an argument to cool down, but they don't go on a break. This is her testing out whether she wants to end the relationship for good. Link to post Share on other sites
ItIsNotMe Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Tell us more about her reason to be mad at you Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 The only reason I have ever seen for a break like this is this. The partner that wants it, wants to see or have sex with someone else to see if their feelings for the other person are real. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 This is from your previous thread. The last couple weeks we haven't had sex. She always says she's tired, or not in the mood. We talked about it recently and she says she's started thinking about her ex. She says she's been thinking about him more than me, and feels guilty for it. Any way you could check up on what she is doing? If not break contact and tell her to have a great life. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 What ever you do. Don’t do the choose me game. Don’t try to nice her back. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 She says she needs to get over what you did - which was what, exactly? This sounds like the beginning of a break-up, OP. Couples who are genuinely strong and want to be with each other don't call time-outs like this; they might take space after an argument to cool down, but they don't go on a break. This is her testing out whether she wants to end the relationship for good. This is great advice. Anyone who wants to be with you would be terrified you might find someone on a break. If a girl ever says break to me, she is gone forever with no second chance. That’s assuming I am in love with her. If not, sure, take all the time you need and call me if you change your mind and we’ll have some fun. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 What did you do that prompted this? That could give us a better idea of whether she's just getting over it or your relationship is over except for the breaking up. She said we could be friends for now. Dude, you've been demoted. Link to post Share on other sites
ThreeRainbows Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 (edited) I think in this case the above posters are right about her break signalling a break up. One thing I'd like to say though, especially to the guy who said he'd dump someone immediately if they asked for a break, is to consider this: I've been studying avoidant attachment style, where there is a fear of intimacy. If my partner becomes clingy, I can feel myself getting overwhelmed with fear. This gives me the urge to run. Instead of running (which would be be breaking up with a potentially perfectly good partner), I can ask for a break (a few days is enough). During this time, I calm down and remember the love again. It works. It is a healthy alternative. The difference lies in consciousness. Most people with avoidant attachment style are not conscious. They rationalize their fear into finding faults with their partner, into ideas of getting with someone else, etc. The truth is that it's just a downright fear of engulfment. Not referring to the OP's lady here, but I don't really see it as self-respect to leave a partner just because they need a break. I see it as a lack of empathy for someone who is not perfect. Take that as you will. Anyways... if your partner is willing to work on the relationship, occasional breaks can be a good thing. But this lady doesn't seem to interested in that, does she? Edited July 21, 2018 by ThreeRainbows Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 One thing I'd like to say though, especially to the guy who said he'd dump someone immediately if they asked for a break, is to consider this: I've been studying avoidant attachment style, where there is a fear of intimacy. If my partner becomes clingy, I can feel myself getting overwhelmed with fear. Avoidance attachment style?? Yep, another reason to dump her and move on. So every time there is a full moon, a woman gets to use some psych disorder to take a break. Yea, right... I won't put up with that in my life. Too many woman out there, move on... NEXT!! Link to post Share on other sites
ThreeRainbows Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Avoidance attachment style?? Yep, another reason to dump her and move on. So every time there is a full moon, a woman gets to use some psych disorder to take a break. Yea, right... I won't put up with that in my life. Too many woman out there, move on... NEXT!! What matters in a relationship is how each person works to overcome their shortcomings, rather than the shortcomings themselves as much. It's the desire and effort to make themselves more relatable, and better able to love you. If you find someone who's willing to do that for you, you've found gold. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 What matters in a relationship is how each person works to overcome their shortcomings, rather than the shortcomings themselves as much. It's the desire and effort to make themselves more relatable, and better able to love you. If you find someone who's willing to do that for you, you've found gold. Why should the guy have to be punished and forced to take a break because she has to work to overcome her shortcomings?? Why can't she work on them without having to take a break in the relationship?? Let some other guy put up with her baggage. I neither want nor need that drama/crap in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I don't give people time to decide to want to be with me. They either have, or they haven't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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