Smoothing things over?

[ben321]

So long story short

 

I got broken up with after over 2 years. Reason was due to a temporary long distance (she was 6 months in another country - wasn’t working). I struggled ever since big time and everntually blocked her on everything when I found out she had been seeing someone else whilst away. I found out she got really upset by this too.

She’s back now (has been for a while) and I keep wanting to contact her to smooth things over (been no contact for about 3 months). I know we won’t get back together but for some reason it feels like this is holding me back from doing other stuff as it is constantly on my mind.

 

Is this a stupid idea? I still miss the girl loads but have come to accept its over. Would kind of like to know how she is what she’s up to etc.

[d0nnivain]

If you don't want to get back together what is the point?

 

If you do want to get back together reach out. However, your 2 year relationship had no depth if couldn't withstand 6 mere months of LDR. Knowing that & not knowing if she's still with the guy she dated there, why do you want to reach out?

[ben321]

It was a lot more complicated than just not being strong enough for 6 months away - we could hardly talk due to work schedules etc. Whilst I’ve accepted were not getting back I think longer term she’s still someone I would like to get back with. I just would like to smooth things over as last time we spoke there was a massive argument and I don’t want to leave it in that way

[N2017]

I'm honestly confused. So she cheated on you, so you blocked her, she dumped you and now you want her back?

 

Why would you want to go back to someone who cheated on you? Why would you want a girl like that in your life??

[d0nnivain]

It was a lot more complicated than just not being strong enough for 6 months away - we could hardly talk due to work schedules etc. Whilst I’ve accepted were not getting back I think longer term she’s still someone I would like to get back with. I just would like to smooth things over as last time we spoke there was a massive argument and I don’t want to leave it in that way

 

Then send her a short note of apology. Only a few sentences, not some long windy wordy novel. Something along the lines of:

 

I don't like the way things ended between us. You are someone I respect & I would hate for us to have bad blood between us. Please accept my apology for [whatever it is]. Someday I hope we will be able to interact civilly. Bets wishes, ben

 

If she cheated, I'm not sure why you are the one apologizing.

[ben321]

I don’t think she cheated on me, I think the other guy came a few months after me, but as we’d still been kind of talking and I was hoping we could rekindle things when she got back it obviously got to me big time when I found out. Wish I could move on as easily as she did, I feel like I need to do this to do so, but that could be me overanalysisng

[basil67]

How about you try "hey [ex], it's been a long time. Would you like to catch up for a coffee as friends?"

 

But first make sure you're strong enough to cope with hearing about new boyfriends. You really need to be comfortable being a friend.

[Gretchen12]

How was the relationship before the long distance? When you are long distance and communicating by texts, there can be misunderstandings. If you want to try again, just tell her clearly. Say what you really feel.

I think you want to get back together, but you can't even say that in your original post. We are people who don't know you and you can't even admit that to us. Probably you were ambiguous during that time when you were still trying to get back together. She didn't know what you were doing so she started seeing someone else.

If you contact her, get right to the point. Know what you want and act accordingly. Don't get in touch with her as a "friend". To do what? Take your time deciding? Go to the movies while she has a boyfriend? You either tell her you want her or leave her alone.

[ben321]

How was the relationship before the long distance? When you are long distance and communicating by texts, there can be misunderstandings. If you want to try again, just tell her clearly. Say what you really feel.

I think you want to get back together, but you can't even say that in your original post. We are people who don't know you and you can't even admit that to us. Probably you were ambiguous during that time when you were still trying to get back together. She didn't know what you were doing so she started seeing someone else.

If you contact her, get right to the point. Know what you want and act accordingly. Don't get in touch with her as a "friend". To do what? Take your time deciding? Go to the movies while she has a boyfriend? You either tell her you want her or leave her alone.

 

Before the long distance we had a very good relationship. 2 years at uni spending lots of time together etc. It did change when we both finished uni as we could only see each other every few weeks. But we still both really wanted the distance to work. I did try to win her back multiple times whilst she was away but at first she was hazy about it and eventually she kind of just said no. However she was never very forthcoming and honest with me about it all, compared to how we used to be completely honest.

[CantTakeMySmile]

It is much easier to be forthright and completely honest, when you are in love with somebody… When you were telling someone you know longer want to see them, it gets a little tougher. If you are positive you only want to be acquaintances with her, and you have no further romantic feelings for her, then I don’t see why it would hurt to reach out without wanting or expecting a response. But, like others, I have a feeling you still want to be involved with her romantically and that is a bad idea to reqxo our.

[ben321]

It is much easier to be forthright and completely honest, when you are in love with somebody… When you were telling someone you know longer want to see them, it gets a little tougher. If you are positive you only want to be acquaintances with her, and you have no further romantic feelings for her, then I don’t see why it would hurt to reach out without wanting or expecting a response. But, like others, I have a feeling you still want to be involved with her romantically and that is a bad idea to reqxo our.

 

I think you’re right and I probably do have feelings for her still. I just don’t want to anymore if they can’t come to anything

[CantTakeMySmile]

Then, my answer is no. There’s no reason to reach out to her.

[ben321]

Then, my answer is no. There’s no reason to reach out to her.

 

This wouldn’t be a reach out to tell her I want her back as such.

 

It would be to apologise and try clear the air. Hate how we left things even if I am fuming at her still. At the end of the day we did get along very well and we share a lot of friends and it has already stopped both of us/ other friends attending things we wanted to because the other was there.

[Lotsgoingon]

I hear you ... you want to clear the air and you don't want to be carrying around negative feelings about this woman.

 

In the "old days," the best move for this would be to write a letter.

 

Also, you can clear the air yourself ... without talking to her ... if you forgive her, then you forgive her ... if you hold no hard feelings, then that's fine ... You actually do not need to discuss this with her. Change your own feelings, let go your own anger ... and one day when you run into her again, it'll be obvious you hold no resentment and you'll be able to have a real conversation.

 

Smooth things over is the wrong phrase ... You guys had real conflict. There is no "smoothing over" real conflict and differences. You can let go of old pain and resentment, but letting go is far more than "smoothing over" things.

 

Basically the problem with going to talk to her ... is that you are not fully over her ... And so let's say you clear the air ... all that is gonna happen is you're gonna walk around from that meeting wanting more than ever to get back with her.

 

So what will you have have accomplished? ... Then you'll have a new issue to "smooth over."

 

You have any sense that she's open to getting back together with you?

[MissBee]

So long story short

 

I got broken up with after over 2 years. Reason was due to a temporary long distance (she was 6 months in another country - wasn’t working). I struggled ever since big time and everntually blocked her on everything when I found out she had been seeing someone else whilst away. I found out she got really upset by this too.

She’s back now (has been for a while) and I keep wanting to contact her to smooth things over (been no contact for about 3 months). I know we won’t get back together but for some reason it feels like this is holding me back from doing other stuff as it is constantly on my mind.

Is this a stupid idea? I still miss the girl loads but have come to accept its over. Would kind of like to know how she is what she’s up to etc.

 

The bold is a contradiction and why I would say don't reach out.

 

If you're over your ex and have a new perspective on maybe where you went wrong and just want to check in and truly won't build up any expectations or disappointment about their response I'd say, why not. It would be like checking on an old friend.

 

But if you "miss the girl loads" no way is checking in on her going to be a casual thing. Your emotions will be involved and you will be likely opening the door to hurt or confusion if she doesn't respond in the way you hope or if how her life is going is that she's with someone else or the convo goes really well and it puts a spark of hope that things can be reconciled, but what if they can't and it was just a nice convo....basically anything that would hurt you if you're not over someone. Give yourself more time.

[ben321]

I’m not expecting anything to come of the conversation in terms of getting back. But it keeps running through my head how it was left and I want to get on with my life rather than keep thinking about if I should send one or not and clearing the air etc. But then I do think about if I got a reaction that would open up old wounds. Very torn

[MissBee]

I’m not expecting anything to come of the conversation in terms of getting back. But it keeps running through my head how it was left and I want to get on with my life rather than keep thinking about if I should send one or not and clearing the air etc. But then I do think about if I got a reaction that would open up old wounds. Very torn

 

Give yourself time.

 

The issue isn't running away.

 

Give yourself a time frame, like if you still feel this way in 2 weeks/a month (you can pick your own time frame) then do it. But that's my trick so as not to be impulsive. I like to sleep on stuff or give myself time and many times that urgent feeling disappears and I'm glad I didn't act on it. As my therapist says: feelings aren't facts, feelings come and go and you can allow them to pass without always acting on them. Same here. And if the feeling remains after this time frame, then you can choose to act on it after weighing the potential risks and consequences.

[ben321]

I was also tempted to write a short letter as it feels the most non threataning and it doesn’t have to warrant a response, although it is maybe a bit over the top at this point.

[MissBee]

I was also tempted to write a short letter as it feels the most non threataning and it doesn’t have to warrant a response, although it is maybe a bit over the top at this point.

 

Please don't send it.