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I'm a christian, she's not, now we're not friends.


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Long story short, I met this really beautiful girl at a work orientation out of state. I'm from Texas and she's from Florida. We hit it off quick and talked a lot on the phone, facetime, texts, etc. I flew to see her 3 weeks in to talking with eachother. We had a great time for about 4 days, got intimate, etc. (no sex) But when I got back to Texas we had deeper conversations about where this was going and then it escalated to heated topics about religion. Topics that can't just be accepted when it comes to long term marriage, how to raise children, living in the same room, etc. Ultimately I decided I couldn't pursue a relationship with her even though we both like each other, It just wouldn't be good for us in the long run.

 

Even though I've been wanting a relationship for so long and haven't had this kind of attention from someone who seems to see the beauty in me, I rejected her 3 days into talking because I knew from the start it probably wasn't going to work out but then I let my feelings get into it, and I talked to her more and more. During the times we hung out she would tell me things like how she was crazy for me, and when she held my hand she felt safe, and when she kissed me most of the time her heart would beat fast as if it were a feeling of a first kiss. I knew she liked me alot from her body language.

 

After those heated discussions, I told her that I was interested in her romantically but now I am not and that I thought it was best if we didn't talk anymore. She did seem to want to pursue a relationship with me kind of quickly. I thought about compromising to see if it could work out. But ultimately my faith is important and I don't want to missionary date with someone who's not on the same page with me spiritually.

 

After I texted her that, she texted me that if it was my decision then she would have to accept.... and then after she said she was going to miss me <3 and then 5 minutes after that she said "Just know that I do love you and i'm always here if you need a person"

 

Now I feel terrible because it was almost like a month fling, and now I feel like she's gone and we can't be friends because I want to protect both our hearts and not string her along. I rejected her twice already but I really wish I could be with her. I was falling hard for her and I saw the look in her eyes when I left Florida and she fell hard for me as well. The relationship wouldn't have been good for us though (thinking long term)...

 

I've been thinking of reaching out to her... it's been like 3 days now, I want to tell her how I feel but I know it won't do any good for either of us... I don't want to get her hopes up.. should I continue to just stay silent? Is she waiting for me to text her? I've been thinking about her every single day and it's killing me....

Edited by achen9291
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Versacehottie

Personally, I think it's disappointing that you can't get past being of different faiths (but I also didn't grow up where religion was particularly important in my family or even with most of the people i know). On another hand I can hear/see that it's so important to you that it probably would cause issues for you guys in the long run, so i think you should just leave it.

 

At the very least, you need to give it a very very long think (like months) and be sure that you could get past being of different religions if you made another attempt, otherwise you are just jerking her around. Right now, you are just on the initial feelings of a "break-up" where you are doubting your choice but unless your values change greatly, the conflict will come up again. You didn't say but it sounds like you have the issue but she doesn't have the conflict?

 

I don't think you can be friends with these lingering feelings and stuff you wished you could explore. Maybe way down the road. Less heartache for one or the other or both to just leave it. Good luck

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Personally, I think it's disappointing that you can't get past being of different faiths (but I also didn't grow up where religion was particularly important in my family or even with most of the people i know). On another hand I can hear/see that it's so important to you that it probably would cause issues for you guys in the long run, so i think you should just leave it.

 

At the very least, you need to give it a very very long think (like months) and be sure that you could get past being of different religions if you made another attempt, otherwise you are just jerking her around. Right now, you are just on the initial feelings of a "break-up" where you are doubting your choice but unless your values change greatly, the conflict will come up again. You didn't say but it sounds like you have the issue but she doesn't have the conflict?

 

I don't think you can be friends with these lingering feelings and stuff you wished you could explore. Maybe way down the road. Less heartache for one or the other or both to just leave it. Good luck

 

It's me who has the issue, the ball has been in my court until I popped it. She doesn't have the issue because she grew up being taught that you can do whatever you want as long as your happy and don't hurt anyone else. But life isn't that simple where you can just love and accept everything. There are difficult things that can only go one way or the other until someone has to compromise their core beliefs on what is right or wrong. Love looks differently when you include morals that appear to be restrictions but are not for the protection of being hurt and done out of love.

 

For example, if a father gives his son a bicycle, one might think he's being loving by not restricting anywhere his son rides, but his mother has to put a rule and say "you can only ride within these boundaries". The mother says it out of love and protection for her son, while the child doesn't know that if he went outside the boundaries he could be riding into a dangerous highway and get ran over or an area with dangerous people. The son in this case may easily think "my mom doesn't love me and doesn't want me to enjoy my bike, but my dad loves me since he gave me the bike and didn't restrict me." Ultimately, the mom has the greater vision that the son doesn't understand.

 

In this case, she doesn't understand... but thinks I'm restricting myself from things such as experiencing sex when it's a biological need. I don't want that out of protection of her heart when people get intimate like that it'll cause chaos when they break up, etc.

Edited by achen9291
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Versacehottie

Well yeah I agree that if you have conflict on core values, it's not going to work. That's why I say leave it alone. Right now you are just feeling the sadness of the initial period where you can't be with her but you will get over it and have to keep true to what will lead you toward a person with the same core values. That would be for anyone, whatever the core values are (i.e. we could be talking about things other than religion but that pertain to other core values). So you are making the right choice for you and you just need to do what is hard now to not drag out what you won't want to do long term. It's hard but you have to do it. If you care about her, don't jerk her around by coming into her life, yet again undecided and really deep down you know eventually you will be more committed to your values than her. So that's the answer.

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You've had a high level of conflict over your differing views over just a few short days/weeks. How is a long-term relationship going to work out, and how well will it go when and if babies are on board and how they will be raised?

 

I understand your hurt and you miss her, but I have to say, if you are this devout in your faith, you need someone who is on the same page.

 

I'm not highly religious, and like you, there's no way I'm getting involved with someone highly devout...got the T-shirt on that one, and I promise you, when one person is completely unwilling to compromise (or accept their partner's unwillingness), it's not going to work.

 

There is no reason for you to compromise your values. You have strict beliefs and values that don't have much wiggle-room when it comes to a partner, and that's okay. Some people can blend, others cannot...it really depends, and I think you're of the variety where having well-aligned beliefs and practice are of high value, and that you need to hold out for someone who is operating on the same plane.

 

You can't be friends right now. Maybe in the future, but now there is sexual tension, attraction, and a pull in two different directions on core values...you have to remember the high level of conflict you've had over her beliefs and realize it's just not going to be a mix. Leave her alone. She lives halfway across the country anyway, which is its own set of difficulty and conflict. Allow yourself time to hurt and heal, and some time in the future, you can revisit friendship.

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She grew up being taught that you can do whatever you want as long as your happy and don't hurt anyone else. But life isn't that simple where you can just love and accept everything. There are difficult things that can only go one way or the other until someone has to compromise their core beliefs on what is right or wrong. Love looks differently when you include morals that appear to be restrictions but are not for the protection of being hurt and done out of love.

 

To each their own, you are certainly entitled to your beliefs...

 

But, life really is that simple - if you allow it be. You are making things much more difficult than they need to be.

 

It is disappointing that you are not able to be less rigid/more flexible with your thinking and accepting of other beliefs, because you may well be missing out on the most wonderful experience of your life.

 

However, if you are quite sure that you have such differences in your core beliefs that can not be overcome, then you are beat to walk away and not contact this woman again. Good luck in your search for a woman who shares your values.

Edited by BaileyB
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It's me who has the issue, the ball has been in my court until I popped it. She doesn't have the issue because she grew up being taught that you can do whatever you want as long as your happy and don't hurt anyone else. But life isn't that simple where you can just love and accept everything. There are difficult things that can only go one way or the other until someone has to compromise their core beliefs on what is right or wrong. Love looks differently when you include morals that appear to be restrictions but are not for the protection of being hurt and done out of love.

 

For example, if a father gives his son a bicycle, one might think he's being loving by not restricting anywhere his son rides, but his mother has to put a rule and say "you can only ride within these boundaries". The mother says it out of love and protection for her son, while the child doesn't know that if he went outside the boundaries he could be riding into a dangerous highway and get ran over or an area with dangerous people. The son in this case may easily think "my mom doesn't love me and doesn't want me to enjoy my bike, but my dad loves me since he gave me the bike and didn't restrict me." Ultimately, the mom has the greater vision that the son doesn't understand.

 

In this case, she doesn't understand... but thinks I'm restricting myself from things such as experiencing sex when it's a biological need. I don't want that out of protection of her heart when people get intimate like that it'll cause chaos when they break up, etc.

 

The bicycle analogy is a poor one because I would argue the father is demonstrating that he trusts his son. Father also knows that son will make mistakes but recognises that making mistakes is part of growing and learning. Mother, on the other hand, is doing him no favours by being a classic modern helicopter parent. Many of the older posters here are probably remembering the days before helicopter parents when we travelled everywhere on our bicycles because our parents gave us freedom to do so.

 

In the last sentence, you say that you don't want sex because you want to protect her heart. Achen, do you realise how patronising you're being? You're completely out of line here. If you don't want to have sex to protect your own heart, this your choice. But it is NOT Ok to decide what is best for your partner. She is her own person and should be making her own decisions about what's best for her.

 

I will also point out that it's not sex, but rather the heart which causes chaos when you break up. Evidenced by the fact that you haven't had sex, but are completely torn apart by this.

 

I hope you find peace with all of this.

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To each their own, you are certainly entitled to your beliefs...

 

But, life really is that simple - if you allow it be. You are making things much more difficult than they need to be.

 

It is disappointing that you are not able to be less rigid/more flexible with your thinking and accepting of other beliefs, because you may well be missing out on the most wonderful experience of your life.

 

However, if you are quite sure that you have such differences in your core beliefs that can not be overcome, then you are beat to walk away and not contact this woman again. Good luck in your search for a woman who shares your values.

 

The same could be said when you allow things in, believing that it'll be good and should be simple can make things more difficult when one realizes that it's not that simple.. I could be missing out on one of the greatest experiences ever, most likely to be short-lived.... although the differences would most likely cause a lifetime of arguments and disappointments if we were to get closer and deeper...

 

There's a difference between knowing truth vs opinion. It's not a matter of liking baseball or pizza. It becomes an identity issue. Christianity is not a slice of pie in my life, it's the whole pie. If she's against my beliefs then it'll be like she's against me and against the most important thing in my life. I could never share with her what brings me the most joy,value, purpose in life and she could never share with me what she values without having me compromise in some way.. I guess I answered my own questions... just venting here. Thank you for your advice

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Excellent post, Basil.

 

OP: Why don’t you just find a girl from your church to date?

 

Unfortunately I haven't came across one that was interested in me.

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OatsAndHall
Unfortunately I haven't came across one that was interested in me.

 

 

You'd better keep looking then: you're going to be hard-pressed to find someone with the same views as you outside of the pews.

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Lotsgoingon

You claim you can't share what brings you joy (as in your Christianity) with this woman.

 

But if that were true, then why are you here agonizing over the loss of connection with this woman? If you really couldn't share your joy with her, game over. There is nothing to be in pain about. See ya!

 

Your story about the relationship conflicts with your interpretation of the relationship.

 

Your story is basically I am aching over the loss of this woman in my life ... I feel so close to her. She is so special. I'm hurting for her.

 

But somehow, there's like a second voice in you that comes up with this strange interpretation: But I can't have her because it will never work out because she doesn't share my faith. And it's up to mature me to save us from the inevitable agony.

 

This second voice (that rejects the relationship) is not persuasive at all. It's rigid, it's seemingly confident and certain, but not based on any evidence you've presented.

 

And yes, you are patronizing in worrying about the sadness on this woman's face. Sadness is inherent to breakups. We don't retreat from a break up because the other person is sad.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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If you're that devout in your convictions and practices, it will be difficult for you to find contentment in a relationship with anyone who doesn't closely share them. This is especially true if you feel an obligation to convert or believe that someone who doesn't share your philosophies is against them. An atheist or agnostic who adheres to the idea that anyone with religious beliefs is brainwashed or a fool, or a religious person who believes that all atheists and agnostics are against religion or can not understand it haven't reached a level where mutual respect and compromise could work in a relationship.

 

Even if you're unable to find someone to date in your particular church, are there any larger christian meetups and outings near your area that you could attend?

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bathtub-row

This relationship has nowhere to go. Your ex doesn’t realize it yet but the religious stuff would grate on her in time. I personally pass on anyone the moment I find out they’re religious because we would clash big-time. If the two of you have argued about this already, there’s no way either of you can get past it. Being friends really isn’t an option, either.

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Unfortunately I haven't came across one that was interested in me.

 

There are plenty of Christian girls not in your church. Don’t try to date a non-Christian girl as it’s destined to break her heart (your bicycle example!).

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OP you did the right thing. Later on it will become a huge issue. Better to shoulder the pain of loss now than to get further involved and end up having a crushing break up. Remember you will constantly be tempted through your walk in faith.

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I could never share with her what brings me the most joy,value, purpose in life and she could never share with me what she values without having me compromise in some way.. I guess I answered my own questions... just venting here. Thank you for your advice

 

The average person wants themselves and the children of the marriage to be the ones bringing the most joy, value and purpose in their partner's life. If they can't be that, then what's the point of marriage?

 

If your religion is the thing which brings you most joy, value and purpose, I suggest you consider dedicating yourself to the church.

Edited by basil67
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