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Suffering Dumper


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Hey All,

 

I am really struggling at the moment and didn't really know where to turn, so here I am pouring my emotions out on a forum.

 

Apologies for the long read.

 

Me background

 

I am a 34 indian male who is gay - and for a very long time i suppressed my sexuality and even when I accepted it, I was very ashamed of it. He on the other hand accepted himself and also me despite my insecurities about my sexuality - he was always proud to be by my side, whereas I love him but I never actually introduced him as who he really was and always just introduced him as my friend.

 

Background

My ex and I met 3 months after I had broken up with someone else, we started off slowly and casually but very quickly the relationship blossomed and a year later we moved in together.

Everything was going seemingly well however the little things started to annoy me, him not doing the dishes, him not being on time for things, him spending lots of time youtube, etc... A lot of these things were minor things that I could have accepted but I didn't, I started focusing on them and never spoke about them to anyone and they started growing in my mind to the point where I felt I needed out of the relationship.

One night earlier this year he came home from work and said that I had stopped complimenting him, and that led us to having a conversation where we agreed to break up. We had a lease together with 2 months still to go so we lived together, during this time he started dating however we were still sharing a bed and hooking up regularly.

As the lease ended we moved out but still messaged every so often, and he became friends with my new flatmate. They both asked me if it was ok for them to be friends and given that my ex and I had ended mutually I didnt think there would be an issue.

As time went by my ex would still come over once a week and we would end up hooking up. As I felt that we were all friends now we even made plans to attend events together.

When we had the conversation I explained to him that I still loved and cared for him and that I needed to sort out the stuff in my head to be able to appreciate him for who he was and that I felt that I couldn't do that at the moment.

During the phase of him coming over to my new place weekly, we spoke a couple of time about how we both still have strong feelings and emotions, however he would always say that the hooking up was just us as friends and nothing more.

 

Current Situation

A few weeks ago the ex messaged my flatmate to say he wouldnt be coming over anymore as he felt that he needed to give me some time to move on. A few days later I met him and I told him that I would really like to give us another go as I felt that I was making progress. I didnt want to rush into things, but I felt that I was ready to give him what he wanted from me, and also accept him just the way he was. He said no as he thought I was lonely and that we really should maintain no contact and that in a few months if I really still felt the same then who knows what would happen.

2 weeks later we had a pre-planned event that we were supposed to attend, whilst I understood that he wanted space and time, it was a public event that I really did want to attend, however I said to my flatmate that I would possibly attend separately with some other friends as he (the flatmate was going to go with my ex). Flatmate told the ex this, who flipped out and said that he didnt even want to be in the same room as me as I made him uncomfortable. This was starting to make my flatmate extremely uncomfortable as he felt he was being put in the middle of this.

Come the night of the event I didnt attend, but I had a lot of anger and rage inside of me because of what the ex said. There was another event the following week that all 3 of us were also due to attend and I explained to my flatmate that I really wanted to gol He in turn told the ex that I wanted to go and also explained that there was some awkwardness in the house due to all of this.

I also reached out to my ex to say we needed to talk as I felt that we needed to clear some things up.

After the message from the flatmate the ex replied and said we could talk. When I spoke to him he had lots of anger and hostility which I couldn't understand. He was adamant that he was doing this because he wanted me to move on and that all his feelings for me had died down completely, a part of me was severely hurt when he said this.

Moving on he was getting very hostile and I didnt want to fight, I told him that I still cared and love him, and that I always did and that I hope that one day we could be a part of each others lives.

 

How I feel now

Its now been about 4 days since I had the conversation with my ex, and I feel horrible. I did make a mistake and I genuinely thought that some time apart would do us good and help me become the person that would appreciate and cherish him for what he is.

I cant seem to fathom all his anger and in turn I just feel like I have hundreds of question's that I would like to ask him.

I want to reach out to him, but at the same time I will respect NC, however I dont want to lose him and whilst I completely understand that maybe it was never meant to be, I just want to show him once that I am working towards being a better me.

 

I know i need to do this for myself, however I keep on going on this spiral loop of thinking about him and all the things I want to tell him and so on...

 

Apologies for the long read but I just needed to let this out.

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I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling like this and it is a shame that the situation has escalated to become so uncomfortable and confrontational with someone you used to love and share so much with. Is there any option of you calling your ex or sending him a message asking him to have a discussion in person and work everything out together?

 

It is one thing if he does not want to reignite what you had together, however if it starts affecting your social life and causing drama in your day to day, it can't go on like this. If you move in similar circles sooner or later he will have to be okay with the possibility of bumping into you. He must be feeling the stress of it too so I would ask for a chat?

 

 

The second part of this is about getting back together. I know it must suck to be in the position where you want someone back and they are not receptive, however you must see it from his perspective:

 

You were unaccepting of his flaws when you were together and you, the one person that he truly wanted to feel accepted by was the one that was unable to accept him as he was. If I were in his shoes, after you broke up with me, I would probably reflect upon how I needed someone who loved me warts and all and that's probably how he is feeling.

 

Since you didn't have a clean break, you hooked up, it continued for a while, more than likely he is feeling confused and trying to protect his heart from getting serious and then potentially history repeating itself again.

I had a guy all wishy-washy in the past and being indecisive about what he wanted. I gave him a second chance and it didn't work so I don't know if I would have the patience to do it again. You need to talk it all out, but be prepared that he may not be willing to give the relationship a second shot.

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Thanks Elpida.

 

I did speak to him on Sunday evening and he was extremely angry and hostile. He did send a message to my flatmate saying he was very blunt as he wanted me to move on, he also said the same to me on the phone.

 

In terms of reigniting things, one of the things he mentioned on sunday was that at this point all his feelings were completely dead, and maybe in a few months he may regret this but right now its what he wanted.

 

I agreed with him initially when he said we needed the space and time apart as I felt it would do us both some good, but then he flipped all of a sudden which just confused me.

 

When we broke up I wanted to take some time apart instead of breaking up completely, I wanted us to live separately as I felt that we may have moved in too soon, which he declined as he felt that it would mean taking a step back in our relationship instead of moving forward.

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