He ended it out of the blue. Guy with issues?

[Elpida.]

Hello everyone and nice to "meet" all of you here.

I am pleased to see a site like this exists and would really like some outside perspective on my situation.

 

I had been dating this guy for 9 months and I was really happy with him. We had an instant connection and have been in an exclusive relationship pretty much from the get go. We both have told each other we love each other.

 

I know that 9 months doesn't sound like a huge amount of time, but since we had such a spark and we really hit it off, we were a huge part of each other’s lives - we saw each other almost daily and were in constant communication throughout each day - mostly by his initiation.

 

We had our first big argument a few weeks ago which was something that was blown up massively out of proportion.

 

Basically, he made a few unsolicited comments about his thoughts on my career and it annoyed me. I recently got a promotion at work and while I don't go on and on about my work to him, I've been under a lot of pressure recently and working more hours or taking my laptop home. He made a comment about how "money was not everything" (I never thought it was) and that "I was obsessed with my career and ditzy and disorganised with other aspects of my life and should put the same effort into other things like self-improvement or cleaning (umm? I take care of myself and my apartment is spotless)".

 

When the comments were said, I just told him that I didn't appreciate them, and he just dismissed it and continued the conversation. I was quite surprised by it so I kind of just continued along chatting as normal because it was such an odd outburst.

 

I saw him the next day and when he came to my apartment to pick me up I mentioned that his comments about my career had upset me and were playing on my mind. I literally just made that comment. I did not make a whole song and dance about it. I expected his response to be either an apology or him stating that he hadn't realised how it sounded but no.

 

He absolutely flew OFF the handle, banging the table and started yelling at me telling me that I was bringing the same thing up over and over (I wasn't), that I was trying to ruin his day and put him in a bad mood, and then told me to go F**k myself. I was just startled by his reaction and never had a guy scream in my face like that. I ended up bursting into tears and he left cold and angry and told me he never wanted to see me again.

 

The next day he turned up at my apartment and cried although he couldn't seem to see how he was in the wrong. I was actually taking a trip with friends after that so I went away for two weeks during which time our contact remained the same. He called me every night before bed and we were messaging constantly. I was wondering if I should really be with him after his outburst but he was so sweet in his contact always telling me how much he missed me and wanted to see me and so I thought I'd give him another chance.

 

I came back from my trip and saw him the same evening. He made me dinner and we had a great time. I saw him again two days later and it was nice too. I'd mostly forgot about his rage outburst.

 

On Saturday night he had a family event to go to. He called me at 2am crying (and waking me up) to tell me he didn't know if we should be together anymore and he wasn't sure if we had a future. He said there were a lot of differences and interests he'd like to share with someone that were lacking. He said he’d been speaking with his sister (who I haven’t even met) and she said she thought he should end it. He said our argument should never have happened and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with arguments - however as far as I'm concerned it wasn't an argument but his temper. Anyway...

 

He kept asking me what I thought he should do and if he should end it with me or not and I just told him that I wasn't going to beg or convince some guy to be with me if he thought it wasn't right. He hung up and that was that.

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks really because we had such a nice time on our last two meetings. I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is suddenly gone and I don’t receive sweet little messages throughout the day from him anymore. I really miss him.

 

I went on to no contact and removed him from my socials and deleted his number. Three days passed and he contacted me via text to say he had been thinking and he thought the break up was the right thing to do but did I want to go for coffee to discuss it and have closure on his thoughts. I declined and he was ok. Yesterday he contacted me again to ask once more about coffee and say it was hard for him and I'd never realise how much he cared for me. Then he made some comment about how he wished I didn't block him from Instagram so he could see what I was up to with my stories. I just didn't respond. I feel like this is all messing with my head.

 

The last time I saw him he revealed that he was on antidepressants and had been for the duration of our time, however he had randomly decided (without consulting his doctor) to just stop taking them about a month ago. He shared that he was having some problems with anxiety and he thought he might have other mental issues, but that he didn’t want to be taking pills forever and ignored my advice to go to the doctors. He was also anxious that openly having mental health problems on his record could affect his career somehow in the future.

 

What to do? On one hand I do really think the world of him but I spent the last few days feeling miserable and trying to get over him. I don’t know if coffee is good for closure or not. I really feel sad that he is struggling with internal demons, but don’t know if it’s really for me to involve myself.

Maybe his mental health is a separate matter to he and I. I don't know.

 

 

Any ideas? Just continue NC ?

[ExpatInItaly]

He sounds unbalanced and yes, I would continue No Contact.

 

He is telling you and showing you that isn't emotionally stable, OP. Do not proceed. Stop answering his calls and cries for attention.

[Elpida.]

He sounds unbalanced and yes, I would continue No Contact.

 

He is telling you and showing you that isn't emotionally stable, OP. Do not proceed. Stop answering his calls and cries for attention.

 

Thanks. I feel really heartbroken about it really but he is so up and down that I guess it'll end up making me ill too if I become his emotional crutch.v

[Zahara]

Thanks. I feel really heartbroken about it really but he is so up and down that I guess it'll end up making me ill too if I become his emotional crutch.v

 

You are absolutely correct. Don't become his emotional crutch at the expense of your own emotional and mental wellbeing.

 

Also, his outburst is showing you a hidden side of him that may just be emerging. You don't want to get involved with a guy that flips the moment you express dissatisfaction. I've dated two men like that in my life and it was a bad sign that I chose to ignore.

 

Walk away and go complete NC.

[Saracena]

As I read through your post my prevailing thoughts were there was a lot more to this emotional outburst of his that could be solely attributed to your comments that day, so of course wasn't at all surprised to read about the antidepressants etc So it roughly coincided with the time he came off them?

[Gretchen12]

Yes he's got issues alright. I dated a guy like that, on antidepressants among other things. Sensitive but ill adjusted. Has endearing qualities, can be attentive, etc. He got mad (over what, exactly, I still don't know) and suddenly stopped all communications and blocked me. Needless to say, I was hurt because I cared for him and I thought we really connected.

You need to decide if you want to be with this guy. I think this type of guy is impulsive but find it hard to let go. So they get themselves into this situation. You have to make the right decision.

I would pass. It's not an easy decision. I wanted to learn how to be more sensitive to my guy. But I've also read accounts of women who have gone through 10 years of treading on eggshells. The biggest obstacle is that these guys shut down, break up, blow up, anything other than communicate. There's not much hope without communication.

Btw when I read your story, my first thought was that he was not criticizing your focus on money or career, he was trying to ask for your attention. Maybe he suffered neglect as a child, so he is afraid to ask for attention. Then when you brought up his "criticism" again, it triggered a fear in him, and the fear was expressed as rage.

Even if you understand each incident as it happens, and handle him accordingly, you need to look at the whole picture, and ask yourself if you want this type of relationship. I don't know. For me, I'd need to have the ability to read the guy's mind accurately and consistently. But I don't.

Edited July 12, 2018 by Gretchen12

[Elpida.]

As I read through your post my prevailing thoughts were there was a lot more to this emotional outburst of his that could be solely attributed to your comments that day, so of course wasn't at all surprised to read about the antidepressants etc So it roughly coincided with the time he came off them?

 

Yes. It aligns exactly with the time he stopped.

 

He was on quite a strong dose of antidepressants (not Prozac, I can't remember the name) for over a year however he never told me about it in the 9 months we were together until these past few weeks. He only told me because he said he was starting to have a lot of headaches and dizziness which seemed to be one of the side effects of withdrawal from this pill. It's so ridiculous because he is 32 and has just decided to stop without even consulting his doctor. I think his problems are much more serious than he tells himself, but he won't get help.

 

The last time I saw him (Friday before he ended things with me on Saturday), he was telling me that he was having anxiety issues and some other stuff - I don't know what would be wrong with him in terms of the specific mental issue. He is a very attractive guy yet he has this paranoia that people are analysing his appearance? For example, if we walk into a cocktail bar, he is convinced that people are looking at his clothes, or his ears, or whatever else and judging it. I've assured him that people are too busy with their own lives and problems and he looks great but there is no reassuring him. We could be at my apartment at 11pm watching a movie and he catches his reflection and starts obsessing. Basically he has a whole range of issues that I am only just discovering.

 

It's strange because after nine months seeing each other 4 or more times a week, I never knew about this.

[stillafool]

He's definitely unbalanced and thank your lucky stars that he was the one to break up with you. Now you have the perfect excuse not to go back. Abusive men always turn on the water works (tears) after they've abused you in some way. They know the tears will make a woman think they are truly sorry. Don't fall for it because he can turn back into a monster at any time. Stay away from this guy for your own good. I hope he doesn't end up being a stalker.

[Elpida.]

Yes he's got issues alright. I dated a guy like that, on antidepressants among other things. Sensitive but ill adjusted. Has endearing qualities, can be attentive, etc. He got mad (over what, exactly, I still don't know) and suddenly stopped all communications and blocked me. Needless to say, I was hurt because I cared for him and I thought we really connected.

You need to decide if you want to be with this guy. I think this type of guy is impulsive but find it hard to let go. So they get themselves into this situation. You have to make the right decision.

I would pass. It's not an easy decision. I wanted to learn how to be more sensitive to my guy. But I've also read accounts of women who have gone through 10 years of treading on eggshells. The biggest obstacle is that these guys shut down, break up, blow up, anything other than communicate. There's not much hope without communication.

Btw when I read your story, my first thought was that he was not criticizing your focus on money or career, he was trying to ask for your attention. Maybe he suffered neglect as a child, so he is afraid to ask for attention. Then when you brought up his "criticism" again, it triggered a fear in him, and the fear was expressed as rage.

Even if you understand each incident as it happens, and handle him accordingly, you need to look at the whole picture, and ask yourself if you want this type of relationship. I don't know. For me, I'd need to have the ability to read the guy's mind accurately and consistently. But I don't.

 

I think you are right. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because everything just happened at once in an explosive way. A week ago I was super excited to come back from vacation and hang out again with my sweet boyfriend but I can't get my head around the turn of events.

 

He seems very up and down in his moods at the moment and I don't want to be stepping on eggshells like you mentioned, or in the firing line when he gets snappy and irritable.

 

Most of the time he's really supportive and proud of my career and he has a professional job also so I think it was just a case of some other internal issue he had going on right now and taking it out on me.

 

He messaged me and said that he wants me to be happy in life and he doesn't think I will be with him. He said that he thinks that he will upset me in the future and I will regret my choice so I should move on. Hmm.

[ExpatInItaly]

He messaged me and said that he wants me to be happy in life and he doesn't think I will be with him. He said that he thinks that he will upset me in the future and I will regret my choice so I should move on. Hmm.

 

One of my exes was similarly emotionally unstable and would say the same things when he thought I was about to walk out the door for good. It's manipulative, usually meant to get you replying with some validating words, "No, don't say that! You're great and I am happy to have you in my life!"

 

Believe him when he says you won't be happy with him. He knows what he's talking about.

[Gretchen12]

I've heard more than one guy with depression say the stuff about leaving the woman because she's better off without him. The guy thinking he's saving her from himself. I've heard this idea also coming from a friend with depression looking at another couple's break up, not someone involved. I don't have depressive thoughts, I've only heard them described.

 

I do believe people with anxiety and depression can have loving relationships not much worse than other people. As always you can choose such a guy, or not. We can't always justify our choices so I don't judge either way. You just know there will be more problems if you try to stay with him.

[overcome]

Hi El,

 

I think my view may be different than others.

 

Can your ex's mental illness be an issue? Yup. However, going cold turkey off strong medication is a big no no. He should know better.

 

That being said, you can choose to let this go and move on. There are plenty of other guys out there for you. Ones that are more stable, attractive, etc.

 

The question is how many issues have the two of you had before he went off his meds? If the answer is none or very minimal, then throwing in the towel seems premature to me.

 

Here is my thinking. If you ex goes back on his meds, you can wait and see if things go back to normal. Just because he suffers from anxiety, depression, or paranoia, does not mean that he is not worth being with. I think mental illness still has a negative stigma and is misunderstood.

 

Of course this would be contingent on him going back on his meds and if there were not any major issues in the past while he was on his meds. This is an option but only if he's willing to try and work on his problems. This is his problem, not yours.

 

I agree with the rest of the community. You cannot be his crutch. He has to realize that the meds were working (if they were) and see about taking them again.

 

This is just my opinion.

[preraph]

Honestly, I just don't think this was going to work out. He seems to want a woman who just takes care of the housework and everything and doesn't give a flip about her career. He thinks he ought to be able to dictate that. And he flew into a violent rage over it, which is not anything you want to live with.

 

You keep following your career. If he wants a housekeeper, he can hire one. I mean, you may be working a lot, but you clearly also see each other a lot, so I don't think it's excessive. Think how selfish he'd be if you had a child and then he didn't get any attention because you had to spend all your energy on the child. He's not a keeper.

 

Just let him go. Don't get in any deeper.