this is what happens when you cave

[N2017]

I guess after reading and responding to a lot of people's posts I'd like to share my story about a guy who I have written about on here ever since last year. Feel free to leave any comments, as blunt as you like. I don't mind. Just hoping maybe my story helps others.

 

I met this guy in a calculus class in 2016. We liked each other, and because I had very little experience with guys and grew up thinking of myself as sort of too nerdy for guys to like me, his words and actions really impacted me. So even though my friends and family told me to stay away from this guy, I still saw him secretly. I had a lot of "firsts" with this guy, but there were certain things I was not willing to do outside of a relationship (sexually). Hence, one day during summer of last year, he blocked me without saying anything.

 

The way I chose to react to this was to cry multiple times a day for months, write long winded emails to him, and look at sappy quotes on Pinterest. He eventually responded to these emails, once I started considering doing the things I said no to at first. Basically, I started caving because that's how much I wanted him in my life.

 

What happened after this for months was we would talk (virtually, because I was now in college), I'd object to something, he'd get mad, and block me. Usually it had to do with me not wanting to do sexual things outside of a relationship, but there were other things too. Then either I'd give in or he'd come around and apologize.

 

At this point I felt like I had invested more time and stress and energy in him than 99% of the people I know and I couldn't let go of it. In March of this year for a couple months I stopped talking to him all together and started dating a new guy who asked me out, but I can't say that I had moved on from this guy.

 

Because I went back to him after I dumped the old guy. I didn't want a relationship because I had just dated probably the neediest (bipolar) guy on the planet that was pushing me to agree to be his girlfriend. It changed my perspective, and as long as there was mutual respect I was okay with a friends with benefits relationship. I wanted to have fun with a guy, but I felt like that other guy was taking up too much of my time and causing me to lose focus on my school and work.

 

Initially when I went back to this guy he started telling me that he missed me and only wanted me and I was perfect and sexy and loyal and he didn't want anyone else, blah blah blah. Then he did something extremely disrespectful and just overall didn't seem like the guy I used to think he was. I told him off, he got mad, I ignored his messages, and then he blocked me.

 

When you beg for someone to come back, it's not about wanting them, it's about you. This guy filled a void that I had in my self esteem, and when he left it was empty again. I kept going back to him and letting him back in because I had spent so much time and didn't listen to so many intelligent people and I wanted to convince myself that all that time wasn't wasted.

 

Last summer I would have described this man as someone who "broke" me. But this summer, I describe him as someone who taught me lessons I needed to learn, someone who forced me to face the truth about myself and fix it, someone who made me realize that I am worth more than some guys opinion and I do like who I am whether anyone else does or not. That's why this summer, I'm letting him go without a word, and I never intend on getting back with him. I'm not crying over him. And instead of looking at sappy quotes on Pinterest, I look at fashion and athletic pins and work on my calculus 2 homework and teach science to kids.

 

Very long, but hope it sorta helps :-)

[d0nnivain]

Good for you for learning some tough painful lessons. As rough of a teacher as experience is, I think this has made you stronger.