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It Took Me 35 Years to Figure This Out


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It took me 35 years and a few failed relationships to figure this out.

 

 

If your spouse/significant other dumps you, just walk away. Do not question them. Do not beg or plead. It is extremely painful but that pain teaches you a valuable lesson: you did not mean as much to them as they meant to you. They did not truly "love" you nor were they invested enough in the relationship to stick it out.

 

 

 

People who dump you are doing you a FAVOR. It does not seem like that when you are in the midst of a breakup, but they are freeing you to find a partner who treats you better and cares about you enough to stick with you, even when things are difficult.

 

 

 

They may come back to you months later and ask for another chance. Do not give it to them, even if you think it is what you want. Why? Because they had to leave you (and most likely date or hook up with other people) to realize your value. Is that really the kind of person you want in your life?

 

 

 

Just walk away and move on.....you have been rejected, fairly or unfairly. Perhaps you are at least partly to blame for the demise of the relationship, or perhaps it was nothing you did. Regardless, your (former) significant other decided to throw in the towel. To walk away. They decided to find someone new instead of work through whatever issues the two of you had. Remember that when you feel sad; when you feel like reaching out to them.

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While it think it's OK to ask some questions ie How long have you been feeling like this etc then walking away, I learned some years ago, that begging and pleading is a big no, no!

 

Not that I'd have considered doing it ever, but as someone who was on the receiving end of it when I ended things, I can categorically state it was the biggest turn-offs ever! It made him look so pathetic and I lost all respect for him there on the spot, which only served to reinforce my decision that ending things was the right thing to do!

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Once you've dumped someone, you'll have the perspective of the dumper. Then it is a little easier to be dumped (imo), because you understand the dumper is not always evil, and can also suffer loss, and you understand why begging doesn't work.

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DrReplyInRhymes

I disagree.

 

As life changes, so do we.

 

You are not the same person you were 6 months ago, 1 year go, and 5 years ago.

 

Sometimes, two people meet at the wrong time. Things didn't work out because they weren't supposed to or your values at the time were not congruent with each other. Why would you rob yourself of a potentially bright future with someone from your past simply because you met them at the wrong time?

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Lotsgoingon

Brother ... total words of wisdom.

 

I reached the same conclusion ... again after decades of dating and being married and divorced.

 

We want to take people at their word when they say they do NOT want to be with us. People are very good about knowing that. The idea of persuading and convincing someone to stay ... is ridiculous on its face.

 

As if we are going to say, "Hey you are forgetting this great time and that great time" and they're gonna say, "Oh, you know what? You're right. I do want to stay with you.'

 

Ridiculous.

 

If someone does not want to be with us, by definition they can not be a good partner for us. Period. So the moment they say they want to break up is the moment when we can face the truth that whatever our feelings, this really was not the right person for us. For a relationship to work, both partners need to fiercely, overwhelmingly, want the relationship.

 

I'll add my own little detail to your broader wisdom. Half the time, when someone wants to break up with us--and it seems out of the blue--it is not out of the blue.

 

Usually, the person just doesn't feel attracted to us ... or never really did ... or they really cannot stand some aspect of our person and our personality. They simply don't want to tell us bluntly the real reason they're breaking up, and their vagueness ... is why we get so tempted to start trying to "appeal" the decision, as if looking for a change of mind.

 

Just as you say, the most painful dumping of my life ... is now one of the experiences I celebrate. With just a little time, it is so easy for me to see that this person would have been a bad partner for me, a miserable partner in fact. I didn't see it at the time. Thank God, she saw it, and ended things.

 

Wisdom brother!

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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While it think it's OK to ask some questions ie How long have you been feeling like this etc then walking away,

 

 

Sort of. It's one thing to talk about problems in a relationship with an eye toward correcting them & improving the relationship. It's something else altogether to be the one trying to fix something after the other person announces that it's over.

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I disagree.

 

As life changes, so do we.

 

You are not the same person you were 6 months ago, 1 year go, and 5 years ago.

 

Sometimes, two people meet at the wrong time. Things didn't work out because they weren't supposed to or your values at the time were not congruent with each other. Why would you rob yourself of a potentially bright future with someone from your past simply because you met them at the wrong time?

 

You don't get it.

 

That's ok. One day you will.

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If they wanted you they wouldn't dump you in the first place and nobody should want somebody who doesn't want them.

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TeddyPSmith
they are freeing you to find a partner who treats you better and cares about you enough to stick with you, even when things are difficult.

 

This has taken me a while to realize but as I talk to other girls it is slowly sinking in. My ex must've wanted me; she accused me of cheating and other ridiculous, scandalous things, called incessantly when we argued, and was constantly upset at my "lack of devotion". But I don't think that was actually love. I never felt like she gave two ****s about what I wanted to do or what was genuinely good for me. Isn't that a better measure of someone's love?

 

She was right when she said that "it just wasn't right". I know that she meant that it wasn't right for her but now I think that it wasn't right for me. Just hoping to meet someone as special as her again.

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Completely agree.

 

Made this mistake the in the past. Never again.

 

*Listen* to what people are telling you, be it with their words or their actions.

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I disagree.

 

As life changes, so do we.

 

You are not the same person you were 6 months ago, 1 year go, and 5 years ago.

 

Sometimes, two people meet at the wrong time. Things didn't work out because they weren't supposed to or your values at the time were not congruent with each other. Why would you rob yourself of a potentially bright future with someone from your past simply because you met them at the wrong time?

 

Well said!

 

To add:

 

If your teeth could talk, what would they say/do?

"Well person, you never valued me and chewed many horrible things to damage me (your teeth); I'm leaving you!"

 

OK...yes, bad analogy perhaps! But my point is, many times we learn what we truly love when we are at the edge and when we make enough mistakes to finally value what we have.

 

There is no absolute rule about any person or any relationship.

In most cases, yes I agree with you; that once someone dumps you, learn to let them go and don't go chasing and begging them.

But sometimes if they come back it's because they have changed, grown, and learned something new that can make the relationship not just survive but thrive.

 

Self awareness is a simple thing, but it always comes with a hefty price tag.

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