Jump to content

He hasn't texted me for one week already. Are we done?


Recommended Posts

We are both students and live on the same floor in the dorm - we met each other 3 months ago and since then we see each other almost every day. First two months we were just friends, but one month ago he confessed his feelings for me and we started dating.

 

He told me that he actually liked me from the day 1 when he met me - but didn't have courage to ask me out, he thought that he even didn't have a chance with me.

I liked him as well very much from the beginning, but though that he sees me only as a friend.

Of course I was super happy when we started dating. Things were going very nice - he took me out on dates, introduced to his friends, we met every day, did lots of things together. We slept together pretty fast, at first I was very sad about it and though that now he will lose interest, but it didn't happen.

 

But after two-three weeks we started arguing. And I was the one who was always unhappy with something - jealous about some female friends of his (he has lots of them), thinking that he is too cold sometimes and his intentions are not clear (though he was the one who all the time asked me out).

 

This part is very interesting as well - I almost never asked him out myself, because I was not his girlfriend officially and was kind of shy to do it first. And he told me that my behaviour is quite cold. And that he is tired of running after me, that he all the time has that feeling that he has to "win me over", when actually the interest should be mutual. But I was madly in love with him!

 

In my previous relationship we became official pretty quickly - within the first weeks. But now weeks passed by and I started being scared, being afraid to lose him, though that he was playing with me ect. And I told him all these stuff as well... and initiated fights. Though he told me not just once that he wants me to be his girlfriend, that he has feelings for me.

 

On the day when he wanted to ask me to become his girlfriend we had a huge fight... and he told me that it broke his heart. Since then his feelings kind of went down (but didn't disappear entirely).

 

For ten more days we were together, but I felt that something has changed. and I started being more and more nervous. In the very end I started being too pushy and too sad - our last conversation was not a good one.

 

Later I acted stupid again. I was very emotional, had tears in my eyes...

I told him that if he doesn't share the same feelings as me then we should not be in contact this summer. That I want us to be together, that I have feelings towards him, that I expected he will ask me again to be his girlfriend... And he replied:

- On that day when I wanted ask you to become my girlfriend, my feelings were on top and I was very happy. But then you initiated that fight, broke my heart, I still believed we can fix things, but then more fights started happening and now my feelings are not on the same level as before. But I still like you, and just want to give us some time before jumping in the relationship, I want things to cool down a bit. I don't want to lose you and still see you as my future girlfriend. I just want my feelings to come back to the same level as before, but it can't happen in just one day.

 

But like I said I was quite emotional at that moment and said some stupid things like "so that means we will not be official this summer and you will just string me along? So you will just have a reassurance that someone waits for you without any commitment? And in the meantime maybe you ll already find a new girlfriend or you will completely lose your feelings?" and "so this all didn't mean anything for you? and you just used me? and we just slept with each other in the end?"

His reply really ruined me.

- I think you don't even care about me, you just want to have a title and a boyfriend, and that's all that matters for you. It is your decision in the end, I don't want to hurt you, so if you don't want, I will not contact you anymore, but that is not what I want.

 

and then

- Wow, so you slept with me just to try to make me your boyfriend? great!

 

so the things went pretty bad. His words in the end:

- So now we have to decide what to do. we have two possibilities. we can do it in your way - put an end to all this and finish the communication completely, or do it in my way - we will still talk to each this summer and see where the things will go, and maybe in one or two weeks we can talk about the relationship again"

I replied that its a long conversation and I need to think. Him: ok, then I ll text you tomorrow and we can talk about this.

 

He never texted me since then. I haven't texted as well, we haven't seen each other at all. Two days later he went to his hometown for holidays, didn't say anything to me. It's been one week of no contact on both sides.

 

Question is: what do I do now? should I reach out? and what do I do when he comes back?

 

He will not be here 3 months, but in 1 month he will come again for a short period of time. and in October he returns back completely...

Edited by Glx
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that the summer off & apart will do you some good. You are not mature enough to have a relationship.

 

First of all never sleep with somebody you can't talk to. If you can't talk to a partner about anything & everything you have no business getting naked with them. Communication proceeds copulation in a healthy balanced relationship.

 

At every move all you did was accuse, yell & be unhappy. Nothing this guy did was good enough for you.

 

You need to learn to take things slow & learn how to communicate. Perhaps when you are together again on campus next semester you can put this back together but you will not be able to fix anything through text. Texting is the worst way to communicate. You lose all subtext & context. Try for a clean slate in a new semester.

 

For now think about all you did to ruin this. For example when he was trying to say he wants to fix things you countered with the accusation that he didn't want to be official & that he was stringing you along. That is not even close to what he said or what he meant. Where did you get that idea from? He was trying to figure out how to deal with your emotional tantrums while you were having one. You were all over the place. You didn't respond to what he was saying; you only responded to what you heard which had nothing to do with what he was actually saying or even what he meant & you kept picking a fight.

 

If you continue to behave in this accusatory fashion you will not be able to save this relationship & every one you have after will also fail.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You can't control who he talks to just like he can't control who you talk to. If you're worried about losing him then you are out of touch with your self worth. A girl who knows that she's good enough and any guy would be lucky to have a chance with her wouldn't worry about losing him. I speak from experience of having extremely low self esteem and having to build it up after getting rejected because I wouldn't give up my virginity at the time, and didn't like the idea of having sex outside of a committed relationship.

 

Take this time to really look at yourself and build your self-worth independently of a guy. Find what you're passionate about, build yourself up. Spend that time to reflect on what you could do differently if either this guy comes back or you find another guy you like even better.

 

I'll tell you from experience, if you leave him alone, chances are he'll grow to miss you and forget mostly about the fights and stuff and if really does feel the way he says in a while after things have cooled down he'll want to try again. Have patience and let time pass.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Light Breeze

From what I can tell, you were a quite immature in handing your relationship, understandable though as you are still young. In my opinion, you made mistakes that caused you this relationship.

 

As for if there is a chance for a rekindling? Personally, I wouldn't think about that right now and just reflect on what went wrong in this relationship. Cool down and try to be better next time. You can always connect later after all the negatives died down. Though, there maybe a chance that one or both of you will find other people to like but I think to dive in again after all of that happened would just turn this into a vicious cycle.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

Girl, you need to pull yourself together.

 

All this drama in only 3 months? Yes, I would say it's done. He got sick of it and he's turned off.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You can't control who he talks to just like he can't control who you talk to. If you're worried about losing him then you are out of touch with your self worth. A girl who knows that she's good enough and any guy would be lucky to have a chance with her wouldn't worry about losing him. I speak from experience of having extremely low self esteem and having to build it up after getting rejected because I wouldn't give up my virginity at the time, and didn't like the idea of having sex outside of a committed relationship.

 

Take this time to really look at yourself and build your self-worth independently of a guy. Find what you're passionate about, build yourself up. Spend that time to reflect on what you could do differently if either this guy comes back or you find another guy you like even better.

 

I'll tell you from experience, if you leave him alone, chances are he'll grow to miss you and forget mostly about the fights and stuff and if really does feel the way he says in a while after things have cooled down he'll want to try again. Have patience and let time pass.

 

 

 

That is what I am doing right now.. trying to analyse what I could have done better in this relationship and why it finished like this.

 

 

and maybe it would be much easier to get over him if we didn't live so close to each other. I don't know how to act when he comes back for example. What if he will be completely cold and not even willing to talk? Or from now on he will see me maximum as a friend?

 

Another thing is that I believe that if he was able to just finish all the communication so easily, that means that all his feelings have already died and he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore... otherwise he would already text me at least something...

 

he told me once that before starting a relationship he evaluates the pros and cons of dating this particular girl. and this is how he decides to pursue it, invest in it or just drop everything...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I talked to my friend about it.

And he said that it was my mistake to initiate that last conversation, especially asking him these questions like "are we together, what are we now, what do you want from me ect". He told me that I should let a guy initiate this kind of conversations, and if he doesn't talk about it - that means simply that he doesn't want it now.

 

and that he clearly doesn't have the same feelings anymore, because I've opened myself too much to him and was nagging too much as well.

That from now on I should let him initiate everything, he should make the first move (especially since I told him directly that I don't do casual relationships) and that now I should concentrate only on my life, and become colder and more mysterious to him. And of course cut all the communication from my side and that I shouldn't have any hopes now.

 

And that is the only way how I can save the situation

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do not think he has lost feelings for you, I think that he is upset about how you acted. If he liked you enough that he was going to ask you to be his girlfriend, he can't just forget about you after one summer. A lot of guys will end things or block girls or ignore them just to get the point across that they're not happy with you. If you act like the mature one who doesn't need them and doesn't try to win them back they eventually regret it and make their way back. And btw i think every guy evaluates girls like he does.

 

Your friend is 100 percent right. You shouldn't have asked about your relationship status. You have to be okay regardless of whether or not he gives you a title. We women worry a lot about securing the guy when we should worry about securing ourselves and having fun with the guy. And yes, you shouldn't initiate anything anymore with him. I have a feeling he will eventually.

 

As for seeing the guy in your dorm, if you see him, just smile but don't say anything. I wouldn't say cold is the right term, but I wouldn't say hi unless he says it first.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reads to me like the young man responses to the OP were surprisingly and refreshingly rational. On the other side the OP sounds like a job to be involved with at least in this point in her maturity. Not a crime just natural growing up stuff.

 

If he comes back Gix better do some real self evaluation of the effects of her flair for outburst of emotion, drama and insecurity. Get a handle on herself and conduct in her responses to him. I would think he would wear down in short order if not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
I talked to my friend about it.

And he said that it was my mistake to initiate that last conversation, especially asking him these questions like "are we together, what are we now, what do you want from me ect". He told me that I should let a guy initiate this kind of conversations, and if he doesn't talk about it - that means simply that he doesn't want it now.

Your mistake was not necessarily initiating the conversation. That wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back here. Your timing was completely off, though. After all this fighting, asking someone if you're together is rather pointless.

 

I should concentrate only on my life, and become colder and more mysterious to him. And of course cut all the communication from my side and that I shouldn't have any hopes now.

It's not about being colder and mysterious after he has told you he's not that into it. It's about learning how to handle your emotions and anger and insecurity throughout the dating stages. So while I agree that you should concentrate on yourself now and not reach out, it should be for the goal of you emotionally detaching and healing. Not to appear like a mystery.

 

The most important take-away here is that you have to develop emotional regulation skills and work on your coping strategies when you're upset. I'm not saying this guy is an angel necessarily, but you could have handled this much more maturely and rationally.

 

Why did you feel so insecure and combative? Get to the root of that, and you will find yourself better able to manage your anxiety and jealousy in the future.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

UPD:

 

so three days ago I posted a picture of myself going out (in a very nice dress), and he texted me "I know you, and you will not respond most probably, but you look stunning.."

I replied: "seems like you don't know me very well, thank you!"

him: "you told me yourself that you will not talk to me, but if it's not like this, then I am very happy. What are you doing?"

And he sent me a picture of a landscape from his town as well.

 

I replied only one day later, with a picture as well, that I am working at the moment and preparing for one trip.

 

He read the message but has not replied till now (two days passed already). But he checks my stories and he is online all the time as well..

 

Feel myself bad, because now I regret that I even replied to him. I don't understand the purpose of him texting me if he was not intended to continue the conversation.

Is he really such a player?..

But if he is not interested in me, then why would he even write in the first place? after a week of silence?

Link to post
Share on other sites

The purpose of sharing a photo of us looking good is to get compliments. He gave you a compliment. If you do not want him to compliment a nice photo, then block him from seeing the photo.

 

Complimenting a photo does not indicate romantic interest or desire to have further conversation. It just a compliment and nothing more.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think what happened in the update was bad at all. And I think you handled it well. I think he probably saw that you looked good and therefore in his mind you were handling the whole thing well and he wanted to come back. If you had posted some sad quote or song lyrics, I don't think he would have come back.

 

Just because he didn't respond doesn't make him a player. It didn't sound like he had a lot to reply to. Don't let it bother you. The fact that he initiated conversation is the important part. He sounds just as nervous as you about the whole thing and probably just wants to proceed slowly out of fear that you'll blow up. Just keep answering the way you're answering - calm, polite, and unbothered.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

What if it's just breadcrumbs? And actually he was done with me after that conversation but wanted to remain friends/keep the communication open. And that's why he wrote that compliment to me and was happy that I replied.

And maybe it was just a friendly gesture without any feelings.

 

 

Because once I told him, that if I finish relationship, I do not remain in contact and usually "burn all the bridges".

 

(On another hand I know him well, and he rarely compliments other girls, unless he likes her...)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Just trying to understand why would he write me once and then stop again... it brings me only to one thought - "he is not into me" and just plays hot/cold :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

He wants to see if you can be calm. Responding to him was fine. Just sit back & see if he comes back.

 

It's summer. You are broken up because your intense behavior drove him away.

 

If you can manage maturity & a handle on your emotions maybe eventually you can have a relationship but that won't happen if you don't get a grip.

 

Enjoy your summer. Revisit the issue & him next year.

 

Don't be distant or cold. Learn to be reserved & calm. It's OK to smile & say hello when you see him. Just don't be all over him all the time & don't turn every conversation into a referendum on whether you two are headed for marriage. Lower the intensity.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile
What if it's just breadcrumbs? And actually he was done with me after that conversation but wanted to remain friends/keep the communication open. And that's why he wrote that compliment to me and was happy that I replied.

And maybe it was just a friendly gesture without any feelings.

 

 

Because once I told him, that if I finish relationship, I do not remain in contact and usually "burn all the bridges".

 

(On another hand I know him well, and he rarely compliments other girls, unless he likes her...)

 

 

When you communicate with a friend, there does not always have to be a back and forth banter. He can communicate and then stop for a day/week/month. Texting can take up quite a bit of time if it is constant back and forth.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
What if it's just breadcrumbs? And actually he was done with me after that conversation but wanted to remain friends/keep the communication open. And that's why he wrote that compliment to me and was happy that I replied.

And maybe it was just a friendly gesture without any feelings.

 

 

Because once I told him, that if I finish relationship, I do not remain in contact and usually "burn all the bridges".

 

 

He even stated to you that you told him you would not respond (like you said above). So, when you did, he believed it was ok to communicate as friends because you were not "Burn all the bridges".

 

 

When you communicate with a friend, there does not always have to be a back and forth banter. He can communicate and then stop for a day/week/month. Texting can take up quite a bit of time if it is constant back and forth.

 

 

The problem is that if he is done and doesn't have feelings, then no way I would like to stay friends with him! Only right now it came to my mind that maybe that compliment didn't mean anything.

But when he wrote me in the first place, I was so happy and directly though that he still likes me and still interested in me romantically. That's the reason why I replied. Otherwise (if he doesn't like me anymore) I would prefer not to be in contact with him at all! I don't want to stay friends with him. But of course I am open to communication if we still have a chance...

I feel bad now because when he wrote me I got my hopes up... but if he didn't mean anything by that then it's even worse than before - because I didn't act according to my standards and replied to him.. now he knows that he can come and go as he pleases and most probably doesn't have interest at all :(

So i screwed it up again I guess

Edited by Glx
Link to post
Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile

Yes, I think it is a friendly way to interact.

 

 

Who knows what the future holds this fall, but for now, there is nothing more for you to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The problem is that if he is done and doesn't have feelings, then no way I would like to stay friends with him! Only right now it came to my mind that maybe that compliment didn't mean anything.

But when he wrote me in the first place, I was so happy and directly though that he still likes me and still interested in me romantically. That's the reason why I replied. Otherwise (if he doesn't like me anymore) I would prefer not to be in contact with him at all! I don't want to stay friends with him. But of course I am open to communication if we still have a chance...

I feel bad now because when he wrote me I got my hopes up... but if he didn't mean anything by that then it's even worse than before - because I didn't act according to my standards and replied to him.. now he knows that he can come and go as he pleases and most probably doesn't have interest at all :(

So i screwed it up again I guess

 

You didn't screw up anything. Well, not from my perspective anyway.

 

I think that being civil to an ex shows great maturity. Whereas burning bridges is a hissy fit. (Exceptions made for truly toxic people of course) One of the things I admired most about my husband when we met was that he hadn't burned bridges with any ex. They still existed as acquaintances. He still had fond memories of the past, but had let go of any resentment.

 

Is it really so bad that he can still be civil with you?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You didn't screw up anything. Well, not from my perspective anyway.

 

I think that being civil to an ex shows great maturity. Whereas burning bridges is a hissy fit. (Exceptions made for truly toxic people of course) One of the things I admired most about my husband when we met was that he hadn't burned bridges with any ex. They still existed as acquaintances. He still had fond memories of the past, but had let go of any resentment.

 

Is it really so bad that he can still be civil with you?

 

 

Of course no. But one thing is seeing each other in real life and just exchanging a couple of "hellos", "howareyous" and some small talk, and another thing - after a week of silence to write it ouf nothing something like "you look so stunning, though I know you will not respond.."

 

What I am trying to understand now - maybe he just wants to keep the lines of communication open/sees me only as a friend

or does he still have some interest in me and do I have still a chance with him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile
Of course no. But one thing is seeing each other in real life and just exchanging a couple of "hellos", "howareyous" and some small talk, and another thing - after a week of silence to write it ouf nothing something like "you look so stunning, though I know you will not respond.."

 

What I am trying to understand now - maybe he just wants to keep the lines of communication open/sees me only as a friend

or does he still have some interest in me and do I have still a chance with him?

 

 

 

There is no way to know that yet

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
Of course no. But one thing is seeing each other in real life and just exchanging a couple of "hellos", "howareyous" and some small talk, and another thing - after a week of silence to write it ouf nothing something like "you look so stunning, though I know you will not respond.."

 

What I am trying to understand now - maybe he just wants to keep the lines of communication open/sees me only as a friend

or does he still have some interest in me and do I have still a chance with him?

 

It's impossible to guess right now. You won't know the answer unless and until he initiates more contact and suggests meeting.

 

I would take the summer to step back and do your own thing. Re-evaluate in the fall once the dust has settled. You'll likely have a better idea by then of where his mind is at.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Of course no. But one thing is seeing each other in real life and just exchanging a couple of "hellos", "howareyous" and some small talk, and another thing - after a week of silence to write it ouf nothing something like "you look so stunning, though I know you will not respond.."

 

What I am trying to understand now - maybe he just wants to keep the lines of communication open/sees me only as a friend

or does he still have some interest in me and do I have still a chance with him?

 

As I said in an earlier post, the point of sharing stunning pictures is to receive compliments on that picture. Otherwise, why share it?

 

The fact that he's your ex doesn't mean that he shouldn't give a compliment on a photo. I'm sure he wasn't the only one giving the same compliment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I talked to my friend about it.

And he said that it was my mistake to initiate that last conversation, especially asking him these questions like "are we together, what are we now, what do you want from me ect"

 

 

Your friend is right.That whole clingy desperate slew of reassurance questions is THE biggest turnoff to a probably dumper, whether it be a guy or girl. If there was any possible spark left on the dumpers part, it would be completely smothered by that sort of response.

 

 

and that he clearly doesn't have the same feelings anymore, because I've opened myself too much to him and was nagging too much as well.

 

 

That's not what changed his feelings, it just put him off completely. The relationship was probably dead anyway, sounds like he was over you just letting you go gradually because that's how a coward operates.

 

 

 

cut all the communication from my side and that I shouldn't have any hopes now. And that is the only way how I can save the situation

 

 

Cut all communication and move on with your life. Expect nothing in return. If you should hear from him at some point consider your options. But don't wait by the phone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...