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First love and self doubting


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anappleaday

First off, please excuse my English as it is a second language. I live in Asia, I am 16 years old and transgender (I was diagnosed by age 8 and started transitioning at age 9 to prevent any puberty from the male side to form) so I am publicly living as a female ever since. I hope I am seen without any judgement here...

 

Onto my problem of the heart... I met this wonderful guy who visited my country last year at a cinema line (he is 27, please do not judge him because of age gap, despite what happened between me and him, he is a kind person). He didn't know I am transgender but I want to have an honest connection with him, so I told him that I am and he was really surprised but he doesn't have any issues with it. When he went back to his country we still kept in contact and after a few months, he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, in which I said yes.

 

Now, this is my first relationship, you see, and also a long-distance one, so the struggles are definitely in there, but we manage to make it work somehow. As time goes by, I realized that I may not be the one for him. He has never done me wrong, we FaceTime daily, he buys me gifts and I do the same for him. We even exchanged our favorite shirt via mail and candies from our country. We play games together, too! as he is a gamer like myself. He is from Australia so this made it more easier being in contact with him as we are only an hour apart. It was a dream, almost fairy tale like, but somehow in the back of my mind, I am not the one for him (or that maybe I am afraid to commit? and scared that this relationship will fail being it my first)

 

So... I broke it off with him, he was devastated and so am I. But we understood each other. Before I met him, I was fairly active with activities like doing physical activities to maintain my figure, hanging out with friends, and have a life out there. And he was the opposite, he mostly goes to work and back home, no social activities or whatsoever despite being fairly attractive, so we tend to be with each other 24/7. I pretty much adjusted my lifestyle for him (haha! oh the memories! I still cherish them)

 

But after so many weeks of serenity. Now, it feels like I am doubting myself, trying to give myself the reasoning that what I have done is wrong. That maybe I want him back (but he has moved on and doesn't see anything for us anymore). And at the same time, I try to remind myself that we broke up for a reason...

 

Fast forward to today, I became a recluse, school then back home mostly. I do not find the things that I did in the past before I met him enjoyable anymore or if I do them it feels like a chore, and he became the reverse of me, the one to have so many things to do to outside when he was coping when we broke up, and had kept it that way and now has moved on, while I am stuck...

 

Yes, I have accepted the fact that it is over... but can anyone have an insight on what is wrong me? why am I having these self doubt feeling? or why am I feeling this way? Is this normal? Why am I having troubles in functioning with the activities that I previously did before him? *sigh*

 

PS: Sorry for this post being too long. I was also afraid to do this post. My brain also felt mushed as I have to correct several things over and over. And have to read things through to make sure that my English is understandable.

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ExpatInItaly

You were very smart to break it off, OP.

 

I am not judging you, as you are very young and inherently inexperienced. But I am judging your ex; he is far too old for you and it's very concerning that a man at 27 was going after a minor. He is old enough to know better. (I am assuming he knows how old you are, yes?)

 

You live in different countries. He is nearing 30, while you are still a teen. This was never going to work out. Please, be proud of yourself for recognizing that and calling it off.

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Nothing is wrong with you.

 

However a 27 year old has no business whatsoever taking up with a 16 year old child. In this country that is a CRIME. I'm not judging you. I am judging & condemning the guy.

 

One of the issues with this age gap relationships when one party is still a teenager is that as the teen grows & matures, the teen outstrips the adult. Think about it. If you & this person were on the same plane now, the adult is lacking because the adult can't get other adults to date.

 

You were right to break things off.

 

Talk to your parents about what you are feelings. They have been through the heartbreak of losing a first love too.

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