Jump to content

Ex broke no contact after 7 months


Recommended Posts

Skankhunt42

Hello everyone!!

 

I was wondering if anyone had some thoughts about my situation

 

Long story short:

-Im a guy, she's a girl

-First love/first relationship (for her)

-Both mid 20's

-Together 6 years

-Broke up 7 months ago went no contact

-There was no other 'guy' in the picture

 

So I received a messaged from my ex girlfriend where she said she wanted to tell me that she was thinking about me and hoped I was doing well.

Soon I found out all her friends were on holiday together without her.

I suspect she was feeling alone.

 

What do you guys think? Was this a trigger for her to reach out. Could her anxiety have been triggered and maybe this has been on her mind for a while. Are there layers to her thinking, or could it simply be she was just feeling lonely in the moment and her thoughts turned to me?

 

Should I reply?

What should I say?

Should I not reply?

 

I will admit that I would very much like to talk to her. If it could lead to seeing her again I would like that, but I have learnt my lesson and I do not want to experience that kind of pain again. It still hurts sometimes.

 

Anyway, thank you for reading guys! Reading this forum has been a saving haven for me at times

 

Cheers

Link to post
Share on other sites

Respond to her and see where it goes. Unless you broke up over something big and irreconcilable, no reason you have to keep the door shut forever.

 

Just say something like it's nice to hear from her and ask how she's doing. Then just follow her lead from there. She reached out to you, so see where she takes it.

 

Life's short, and regrets suck, so do what your gut tells you.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

First question is why did you guys break up? I think that makes a big difference in how you respond or don't respond.

 

You need to tread lightly here. If she broke your heart, do you want that to happen again? Weigh your options carefully and take time before you either respond or don't.

 

What have you been doing in the last seven months? Have you dated? Did you learn anything from your relationship with her? Are you two friends on social media? Do you know what she has been doing in the last seven months?

 

There are so many factors to consider and it's tough to give advice. If you can give more details, perhaps that would help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

So I received a messaged from my ex girlfriend where she said she wanted to tell me that she was thinking about me and hoped I was doing well.

Soon I found out all her friends were on holiday together without her.

I suspect she was feeling alone.

 

What do you guys think? Was this a trigger for her to reach out. Could her anxiety have been triggered and maybe this has been on her mind for a while. Are there layers to her thinking, or could it simply be she was just feeling lonely in the moment and her thoughts turned to me?

 

 

IMO she had a nostalgic moment because she's alone. This was nothing more than a breadcrumb. Don't read too much into this.

 

If you do reply and I'm not sure I would it would be a "I'm doing well, thanks".

 

The only way these things ever work out is if she approaches you. Not just a mere breadcrumb.

 

If you chase she'll just take her ego kibbles and move away again.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Who broke up with whom? When I got back together with my ex, he dumped me but I'm the one who went no contact for several months (no cheating or other people caused the breakup). I eventually reached out and unblocked him a little while after I'd tried dating someone who was terrible to me and changed my perspective on some things... and what it really came down to was I was finally no longer angry with my ex and had healed from the breakup. We both made plans to see each other quickly, but then it took another 7 months of hanging out after that (and talking and talking and talking) to date again. But when we began meeting up, I had no expectations and he didn't have plans to win me back. We wanted to at least be friends again, though, because our connection just never diminished even after so much NC.

 

The other tidbit of my experience to consider though is when I went NC, my ex felt incredibly guilty about dumping me and made it clear he truly did eventually want to be friends, but every time he reached out before I went NC, in the first months after the breakup, I felt it was self serving and guilt. I always was responsive but it was difficult and sometimes it was to ask for space. When I was the one who reached out after a very long time, the dynamic changed. It sounds like, since you still miss her, that she dumped you, in which case there's no way to know her intentions in breaking NC. You've just got to be prepared for anything, with no expectations, if you respond.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most people eventually do reach out from genuine curiosity. It usually means nothing. It might have just been an impulse decision to reach out. You can respond if you want, but don’t get your hopes up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello everyone!!

 

I was wondering if anyone had some thoughts about my situation

 

Long story short:

-Im a guy, she's a girl

-First love/first relationship (for her)

-Both mid 20's

-Together 6 years

-Broke up 7 months ago went no contact

-There was no other 'guy' in the picture

 

So I received a messaged from my ex girlfriend where she said she wanted to tell me that she was thinking about me and hoped I was doing well.

Soon I found out all her friends were on holiday together without her.

I suspect she was feeling alone.

 

What do you guys think? Was this a trigger for her to reach out. Could her anxiety have been triggered and maybe this has been on her mind for a while. Are there layers to her thinking, or could it simply be she was just feeling lonely in the moment and her thoughts turned to me?

 

Should I reply?

What should I say?

Should I not reply?

 

I will admit that I would very much like to talk to her. If it could lead to seeing her again I would like that, but I have learnt my lesson and I do not want to experience that kind of pain again. It still hurts sometimes.

 

Anyway, thank you for reading guys! Reading this forum has been a saving haven for me at times

 

Cheers

 

My response to whether you reply or not depends on how what went down in the relationship and how it ended.

 

In general though..be careful. If you choose to respond, keep it brief. don't let the conversation hang via DM. Schedule a meet up. See if she agrees to it. If she does, great, but proceed with caution. If she doesn't, forget her. This will eliminate speculation by getting straight to the point.

 

- Beach

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Skankhunt42

I’ll try to keep the reasons for the breakup short and sweet I’ll be glossing over a lot and I’ll throw some additional details in, too.

 

Her reasons for leaving was that we weren’t progressing in the relationship. 6 years together and both still living with our parents and not making clear plans for the future. I wasn’t ready as I just finished Uni and wasn’t looking for full time work yet (lazy on my part) and still wasn’t sure what I wanted in a career. Whereas she’d been working full time for the last year and had some struggles along the way. After University she decided her qualification wasn’t what she wanted and found a job in retail for the time being. She didn’t love the job, but it was a ‘compromise’ so she could start saving money. I was also very complacent, became annoying to a degree and neglectful. She did too. We also started dating when she was 18 and she felt that she was missing out on the best years of her life. Grass is greener? And wanted to explore life on her own and be her own person and experience new things. Moving out and finding roommates, partying, drinking and drunks, holidays with friends, meeting and flirting new guys and whatever else she felt like she needed to experience. I wasn’t controlling either. Looking back I was probably too chill and unfazed. In the end she said she wasn’t happy anymore. That we were only together out of comfort and security. She couldn’t give me her anymore because she didn’t want to. That she needs me but doesn’t want that anymore (wanted independence). She asked for a few months alone (zero contact) and at the end of that time she messaged me (first contact since breakup) that she was happier without me. I said goodbye and thank you.

 

BTW we’d previously broken up 2 other times lasting 3-5 days where I would beg and plead. We’d reconnect and work things out before falling back into routine. I also remember her saying once that it would only take her 3 months to get over me if we ever broke up. She said this in good humour but I’ve always remembered it.

 

Anyway, I decided to give her what she wanted this time and from the day of the breakup we went no contact minus her making contact after the months we agreed to be apart. We both deleted each other from social media 2-4 weeks after the breakup. She still likes and comments on posts and photos of my friends. She’d only see my friends maybe 6 times per year. They weren’t ever close with her. That still confuses me, but that’s another issue. Oh, and 1 week after the breakup she moved out of her parents and found some roomies and turned into a party girl.

 

So thats the gist of the breakup with some added info :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

What do you want? It's certainly possible that she got to learn more about who she is, grew up a bit, and started missing you. It's also just as likely that you were a huge part of her life for so long that she's offering the olive branch for friendship only. Add to that that you both are still quite young, which often gets in the way of things working out long long term, and may still need more time to experience life alone and with other people.

 

What do you hope to get from responding to her? What would make you happy? What could you handle without it being disruptive to your life and healing?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Skankhunt42

I'm not sure what I want. I'll need to spend more time thinking this. You know, I used to scoff at those that said their ex’s returned as they were getting over them and feeling better about themselves…Well, now I’m a convert because it happened to me haha

 

I don’t think she’s offering anything. She knew/knows I don’t accept friendship after breakups. I can understand her position in needing to experience being single and dating other people however. My situation was different because I had dated before we met (I’m a few years older) and lived that single lifestyle in my earlier 20’s. I experienced it and it wasn’t that great. A realisation you have after having lived it. So, I suppose she needed to experience it for herself.

 

I do find myself frustrated in some ways that she would reach out so selfishly. I gave her the space she had been asking for when deciding to leave. Why after so many months does she test the waters without any consideration of the consequences her actions could have on me? The break-up was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I never realised how much emotional turmoil a person could endure. My close friends took a backseat while in the relationship (she essentially was my only person), and I had to work very hard to build new friendships and reconnect with my friends. I was literally alone for a very long time without any real support. Now that she is alone while her friends are on vacation it could be that she is experiencing possibly something similar. Though, I’m not convinced she spent much time reflecting on the relationship. At least not to the extent that I did. My goal was to understand my actions and behaviour, but also to understand hers so I could learn from it.

 

Anyway, breakups are weird you can really get lost in thought

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not sure what I want. I'll need to spend more time thinking this. You know, I used to scoff at those that said their ex’s returned as they were getting over them and feeling better about themselves…Well, now I’m a convert because it happened to me haha

 

I don’t think she’s offering anything. She knew/knows I don’t accept friendship after breakups. I can understand her position in needing to experience being single and dating other people however. My situation was different because I had dated before we met (I’m a few years older) and lived that single lifestyle in my earlier 20’s. I experienced it and it wasn’t that great. A realisation you have after having lived it. So, I suppose she needed to experience it for herself.

 

I do find myself frustrated in some ways that she would reach out so selfishly. I gave her the space she had been asking for when deciding to leave. Why after so many months does she test the waters without any consideration of the consequences her actions could have on me? The break-up was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I never realised how much emotional turmoil a person could endure. My close friends took a backseat while in the relationship (she essentially was my only person), and I had to work very hard to build new friendships and reconnect with my friends. I was literally alone for a very long time without any real support. Now that she is alone while her friends are on vacation it could be that she is experiencing possibly something similar. Though, I’m not convinced she spent much time reflecting on the relationship. At least not to the extent that I did. My goal was to understand my actions and behaviour, but also to understand hers so I could learn from it.

 

Anyway, breakups are weird you can really get lost in thought

 

You sound like very intelligent and self-aware guy and that's a good thing because that means you're capable of learning and growing.

 

I believe a second run between you and her is possible given the reasons you broke up but first you must make a pact with yourself. If you are going to respond to her, you need to come at it with a fresh, clean attitude. If there is still pain and resentment, that will hurt things. You'll have to know what you want from this interaction, you'll have to be emotionally strong enough to deal with whatever she may put you through when you do respond and thereafter. You'll have to be willing to accept the blame for the heartache you may feel down the road if she hurts you again because you are making a choice that connecting with her again is worth the risks. This way you will ensure you move forward and learn. If you can do that, then you're good to go.

 

7 Months is enough for her to have gained a new perspective on her grass is greener attitude and perhaps make a few adjustments to her personality BUT not enough time for a person to make big changes. She's young. It's unlikely she's gotten it all out of her system just yet, so be careful if you do reply. Stay in control. Don't let the convo sit via text. Schedule plans to meet up. If it was just a weak moment or a breadcrumb, you'll know very quickly in the way she responds.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Skankhunt42

I just want to say thank you to everyone for their advice and taking the time to reply. Hearing everyone’s perspective was a huge help in deciding what to do

 

Anyway, I decided to respond.

 

Simply ignoring the message would be too easy. Rather, I owe it to myself to respond regardless of the outcome

 

I can’t know for sure her reasons for reaching out the way she did, but the only thing that is certain is when someone sends you a message they typically are hoping/expecting some kind of response (even if they say they don’t expect one back). Whether its for validation, an ego boost or whatever I don’t think it's ever that simple.

 

Anyway, I basically said that it would be good to see her and asked when she was free.

 

I won’t go into my thought process, but I didn’t want to mess around. I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to be strung along and I don’t want to get stuck in some random conversation that leads nowhere.

 

I’m okay with whatever the outcome will be, but if I had to choose I would certainly like the opportunity to see her again.

If I never hear from her then I’ll be okay because I took that leap in going for what I wanted. I don’t regret it. I opened the door and she can do with it whatever she likes.

 

I'll try to post any updates (if there are any) in the future. Maybe this will help someone one day :)

 

Cheers big ears!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Albert Bert

Brother- my story is very similar to yours. I don't have a lot of advice but I wanted to say thank you for sharing yours. I feel like the one who is very alone at this point and reflecting on the relationship a lot more than her. All of the reasons why you two broke up are very similar to mine and she also did the whole "I need space" spiel a few times before the real breakup. I learned a lot from your story and am glad that you feel proud about your decision to respond to her recent text.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Skankhunt42

UPDATE:

 

Surprisingly she replied early the next morning. Apparently she's sick at the moment and is going away on Holiday next week. She asked if we could catch up when she gets back (I'm guessing she'll be gone for 2-4 weeks), and I'm not sure if she really is sick, or it was an excuse since I was very blunt when asking when she was free to meet up. In response I told her that I 'might' be interested in catching up when she comes home and to stay in contact. I wished her well and to enjoy her holiday. I'm hoping she changes her mind or feels better before leaving and makes contact again to see each other before she leaves.

 

I do want to add something if anyone reading this is going through a similar experience. I've found that it's almost liberating to have this sense of 'detachment' to the outcome. If I were still in that state of feeling like I 'needed' this person to survive, or for my own happiness I wouldn't be able to take this kind of action. If your ex ever makes contact come from a place of wanting it vs needing it. Just a thought.

Link to post
Share on other sites
UPDATE:

 

Surprisingly she replied early the next morning. Apparently she's sick at the moment and is going away on Holiday next week. She asked if we could catch up when she gets back (I'm guessing she'll be gone for 2-4 weeks), and I'm not sure if she really is sick, or it was an excuse since I was very blunt when asking when she was free to meet up. In response I told her that I 'might' be interested in catching up when she comes home and to stay in contact. I wished her well and to enjoy her holiday. I'm hoping she changes her mind or feels better before leaving and makes contact again to see each other before she leaves.

 

I do want to add something if anyone reading this is going through a similar experience. I've found that it's almost liberating to have this sense of 'detachment' to the outcome. If I were still in that state of feeling like I 'needed' this person to survive, or for my own happiness I wouldn't be able to take this kind of action. If your ex ever makes contact come from a place of wanting it vs needing it. Just a thought.

 

Dude. No, no, no, no.

 

I went through this exact same thing. My ex would reach out, tease meeting up, and then be “sick”, “busy”, or some other bs. Drove me nuts until I wised up.

 

If like mine, yours will do this back-and-forth hot\cold drivel for awhile. You will get frustrated and take some kind of unscripted action. She will then drop the boom on you. You will hurt for a good long while.

 

Don’t be like me.

 

Grab your stones, realize your worth, do not contact her, and if she contacts you, if you really must, attempt to make a date. If she pulls the above twice, walk away forever. Live your life.

 

Don’t believe me? Read my thread. Lol

 

You seem pretty centered. Be safe. I’m pulling for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...