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How should I find closure here? Move on?


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Albert Bert

Hello friends,

I am posting here because I need support. I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 4 years and lived with her for almost 3 years. We are both close to our families but her probably even more so. I did all sorts of things with her family which is bigger than mine. I grew very close to all of them and helped out at church with her and drove her grandparents around, helped babysit her niece, etc. We have always talked about marriage and having children. She is very anxious about marriage and analyzes it very much. She often comments at weddings that she can't believe people who have been dating for like a year and a half are already getting married. I agree with her here but I don't analyze or worry as much as her. I don't know, maybe because her dad cheated on her mom. I can't say for sure. All throughout winter she kept hinting to me the types of engagement ring she wanted so I got one and was planning on asking her to marry me in summer.

 

Last year she needed some space from the relationship and stayed with her mom for about a week. She sees a therapist and recommended I see one because I would sometimes overreact to situations and feel sad about life but this is honestly part of my personality. Sometimes I get down, don't we all? I was by no means sulking around the house everyday. I opened up to her about things I worry about in life because I trusted her. This time she said she couldn't handle it anymore and left for her mom's again at the beginning of June but left for good. I told her that I am seeing a therapist and really want to work this out and suggested that she come with me to a session but she didn't. She was crying last I saw her a few weeks ago.

 

During the first week I texted her one night and told her I loved her and want to make the relationship work, a picture of our cats and a picture of the sheet music for a piano classical piece that I wrote for her. She didn't respond. That was all I said, I know there is only so much I can do. Since then we have only texted a few times about moving out dates, etc. When I first found out she was moving out she said something like "we can talk on the phone or in person if you want." I just said that she has thrown a lot at me in the past few days and I need to process all of it.

 

We haven't texted anything more about the relationship, just specific dates when she is coming to pick up stuff (I don't want to be there for it) and past utility bills that she owes me for. She is coming to move the rest of her stuff out on Thursday and Friday and I am just very sad. I really don't know what to do. My parents are my only support system. The few friends I have are not good friends who check in on me. If one of them got dumped from a 4 year relationship after they told me they were planning on marrying the girl, I would check in on them.

 

I just feel very lonely now and negative about life. I always thought this relationship was one that wouldn't end in heartbreak or divorce like so many nowadays. I think she analyzed this relationship way too much and expected too much from me. I was kind, loved her family, made her laugh, helped her pay bills, have many interests. I have been trying to switch careers from accounting to music education because that is something I care about more. I have to put that on hold now because the financial burden is going to double. I would sometimes talk to her about how I was worried about this career change and worried that I would never find a job I like. I returned the engagement ring last week for a fraction of the price since it was a custom made one.

 

I just picked up a card from the store today and am going to write a brief note to her grandparents saying that I will really miss them and I was closer to them than my own grandparents. I think the whole family can interpret this as being written to all of them. I cancelled my future therapy appointments because I am just sad. I went in there originally trying to figure out ways to improve myself but now I'm so focused on this breakup I'm not making any progress. I know I need to focus on myself and reach out to friends. I have been taking care of myself as far as exercising and haven't drank since the night she left because that wouldn't be wise. The few friends I have are drinking buddies and I feel like I need to dump them because I am almost 30 and not interested in drinking or being around drunk people.

 

I guess I just wanted to share my story and hear if anyone can relate to this. I never cheated on her or even thought about it. I am really struggling with not having any contact from anyone in her family about this. People take sides with these things. I don't really have anyone on my side other than my parents. I am sick of hearing how relationships are for learning what you want in a relationship. I always thought relationships were for enjoying the other person.

6/26/2018

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Hey Al,

 

Sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through.

 

From your story, it's tough to determine what exactly happened here?

 

Was it because she wanted to get married and thought it was never going to happen? Was it because you are a glass half empty guy? You opened up to her (which is great) but did that scare her?

 

From the stories I've read, I don't understand why she left. Did you ever have a talk with her about why she needed the relationship to end or am I missing something?

 

Closure comes from you accepting a situation and moving on. Closure does not come from the other person telling you why they want to end a relationship. Sure it may help in the short term but after the OP tells you, you're left with the "what if's". What if I had only acted this way rather than the other way. What if I changed the way I acted around her friends. What if I took her out to dinner more often. You get the picture. It only makes things worse. If it helps, make up a reason yourself and then move on.

 

I suppose I'm curious if you have any insight why she left? You mentioned she was seeing a therapist. Did you ever consider that it may be an issue(s) that she has and cannot handle being in a relationship right now?

 

There are so many reasons why people leave and we are left with our heart in our hands. It's extremely painful and can cause our minds to turn against us.

 

Let us know if you have any additional details. The more the better. No one is an expert here but there are a lot of people that want to help you better understand what he/she thinks you should do.

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Well, that does sound sad. I think you should keep the therapy appointments though, since you are getting no other support. It would be a good place to vent.

 

I mean, we only know what you told us, but the things you told her you worried about like switching jobs are things anyone needs to discuss with their fiancee. I don't know -- maybe she feels she has too much worry of her own to take on anyone else's, in which case, she may not be right for marriage right away, or motherhood. If that's all she's talked about, it is a little odd. But there must be other things, maybe that she's just generally not happy enough to want to spend her future like doing this with you. Maybe she isn't really equipped to spend it with anyone. Maybe she does need to be alone.

 

Anyway keep that appointment and have someone to talk to. I advise you do physical labor or exercise to destress through this. It's nice of you to write her relatives a good bye letter, and it's sad to have to lose them, but when you break up, you have to.

 

Keep us posted on how things go. Try to lighten your mood whenever possible. You don't have to think about it ALL the time. Go to a movie that makes you laugh or whatever makes you laugh and make yourself take a break from the worry and sorrow. Honestly, your career doesn't sound like anything to worry about to me. You are solidly employed. that's about all any of us can ask. You can still make that transition if you want to by taking a small part-time job along with it or working extra hours if that's possible. Doesn't sound disastrous anyway, so chin up.

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I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I can imagine how difficult this is.

 

The one thing I would say is that now isn't the time to cancel therapy. This is the perfect time to actually continue and get support with processing this breakup. In my last breakup, I remember I had just made an appointment with a new therapist and had our first session coincidentally the same day we broke up. I had no idea we'd be breaking up that day and had the therapy appointment about 2 hours after the breakup conversation. Best coincidence! I was so happy it all coincided because I felt I ended up making so much more greater use of the therapy because of the situation than maybe I'd otherwise have.

 

All that to say, I would sign back up for the therapy and simply switch gears to help with this. You can do both at the same time. Finding peace with this is also part of working on yourself.

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Dude that’s terrible - I feel for you.

 

Many people here can relate as a devistating heartbreak is what brought a lot of us here. You will eventually get past this though it feels like you never will.

 

My ex bounced after 7 years with no real reason and it reminded me of a valuable lesson I had forgotten - women don’t love like we do. Anytime a woman says she loves you, I’ll never leave you, etc, it means at that moment in time. And, those feelings are subject to change with every millisecond.

 

Reading your story it sounds like she had fears of marrying you (yet, with the conflicted nature of female emotions, hinted at what ring to buy).

 

Sounds like you made this woman the center of your world. That’s dangerous as once she left your world left with her. The best advice I received was to look at your happiness as a pie and don’t let any one thing take too big a slice. I did the exact same thing and it crushed me when my ex left.

 

As devistated as I was, it got better over time (over a year). In that time I worked on myself and relied less on a woman for my happiness. For the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed being single. Everything my way, on my schedule and no one to check with.

 

Your confidence is likely shot now but you need to get out and meet/sleep with other women. You’ll need practice and it’s best to start sooner rather than later (everyone will disagree with me on this point).

 

I would check out these guys on YouTube: Corey Wayne, Mouth of Ape, and Craig Kenneth. All helped me a lot and I learned so much that has improved my relationships.

 

Its good you are looking at this as final, because it is. You will get past this and find someone even better - as long as you do the work.

 

In the meantime, don’t ever contact her again. Pretend she is dead....the woman you fell in love with is.

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Albert Bert

SevenCity, thank you so much for responding. It is nice to have someone like you to relate to. She moved out for good on Saturday and it was rough as hell coming home to that scene. I went out with an old friend I haven't seen in a while on Sunday and have been hanging with my parents a lot. One of my college buddies visited from out of town yesterday and we hung around the neighborhood. It was nostalgic being in all those places as a single person now and obsessing about the past. I feel bad that I was a terrible host for my friend because this breakup was so fresh and I just couldn't think straight. I reorganized my apartment and switched bedrooms, made the other room a den/man cave. I will definitely check out the videos you recommended. Now is a time to really work on my self-esteem and social anxiety issues. I was considering trying to date right away since that was how I got over my last breakup. I may wait just a little longer this time since this one was much more devastating. A small part of me clings to false hope but mostly I know it is over. It feels like her and her family all just died in an airplane crash out of the blue. Thanks again, brother

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I'm sorry you're hurting and having to go through this but you sound strong and you're taking all the right steps forward. You're right about putting dating aside for now because most times we enter into it with the wrong mindset especially after a painful break-up.

 

Keep posting here and leaning on your family for support.

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I'm sorry to hear about this. It seems like you're devastated, but ultimately you're on the right track. You're giving yourself the space you need, you've accepted it as final, and you're focusing on friendships. The only thing I would do is keep going to therapy appointments. It's another part of your support network which I feel you may have overlooked. They will at least help you with some strategies which will aid in the healing process.

 

And it sounds like you do have some friends who are looking out for you. Keep in contact with them, reach out when you need to. People are usually really great at being helpful when things like this happen.

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Albert Bert

Just an update, I had asked her to be out by June 28th but she couldn't do that because

she needed her brother to help with a bigger car that he had. Anyways, she moved out last Friday and left her mattress and bed spring in the alley. She was texting me a play by play of this mattress situation and asked if I could take the bed spring into the garage and take it out another time because the city could only take one at a time. It was pretty annoying having to deal with this. Plus, I thought she had to delay the move out because she was getting a bigger car? What a headache. All of the big furniture in the apartment is mine except for this crappy bed from college. I can't believe she couldn't get a simple bed out. She made herself sound like a martyr the way she and her mom carried the mattress and box spring to the alley. I moved the box spring into the garage that night and went back to my parents house out of town.

The next morning my landlord gave me a text because the mattress was on one of his plants in the alley and he wanted it gone ASAP. I forwarded her the text and said "I don't know why this bed turned into my problem." She told me she called some junk pickup place to get it. I don't know why the hell she didn't do this in the first place. Anyways, I had this box spring in the garage still this morning. I looked up on the city website and they require that you pay a fee for larger items like mattresses. I texted her that my dad and I are taking it to the dump. I feel stupid because I was doing good with NC. I guess I just wanted to make it clear that I had to pick up after her and in the future she should be an adult and get her own things out when she says she will. Did I make I mistake in texting her this?

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Albert Bert

Does anyone have any short term coping advice? I'm feeling super lonely and bummed today. I can't stop thinking about how facked up I am and how frustrated I am with the modern world and relationships. I feel like giving up on girls forever. I deleted her number and family members numbers today. I wish I didn't have her number memorized. Looking at my contacts is depressing, I can't believe I have so few contacts all of a sudden. I called my psychiatrist's receptionist and can't get an appointment in until september 28th. I am trying to quit my medications or switch them or try anything different.

I am currently unemployed because I was going back to school for music education. I am applying for accounting jobs because my parents are not supportive of the music crap and they are my only support system. I have always been confused about my career. The ex and the exes' family was supportive of this career change. There is just too much on my plate right now to think about a career change anymore and I'm desperate for a job. This is a very tough time in my life.

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Hang in there buddy. My short term copying has been coming here, reading other posts and posting once in a while. Reading others posts gives me perspective since so many situations can be even tougher but also makes me feel I'm not alone. Talking to friends and family helps too but over time I became self conscious to keep bothering them with it.

 

Other things that help have been church, gym and a new hobby like the guitar. Easy one to get on the cheap and plenty of YouTube material. In general, I think just having a new goal to work towards helps fill some of the void. I still think about my ex almost daily but it's less frequently now. Also, they aren't thoughts of getting back together or anything like that, just mostly sadness it didn't work.

 

One thing for sure you gotta do is hide, block, unfollow not only her, but also her friends and family. I thought I had it covered and on the fourth, a mutual friend posted a picture of her and it totally caught me off guard seeing her face on my newsfeed. Didn't hurt too bad but definitely got me thinking of her, something I'm trying to avoid doing.

 

In any case, I know it sucks man. But it gets better. You just gotta believe that everything happens for a reason and while we usually cannot understand the reason while it's happening, one day we'll look back and be thankful this happened in order for something greater to take its place.

 

Bro hug.

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Sounds like she's a pain in the behind - and likes to make things your problem.

 

Don't look back... she can be her own problem now...

 

 

Now - no matter what she texts - do not respond.

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Albert Bert

I am in so much pain about this breakup. I can’t focus on anything. Can’t get in with a therapist anytime soon. Joined an online therapy website but the counselor said I need to see someone in person. It seems like hotlines are just meant for telling you to see a therapist who can’t see you until October. I have so many self-esteem issues.

 

I am smart, I am a CPA, but I don’t feel smart. My dad is financially responsible but I just always screw things up. I used to get joy from writing music but it doesn’t even matter anymore. It is all unheard or the sheet music left in a drawer in my apt.

 

I’m almost 30 years old, I really messed up my head thinking that I had a future with this girl. I read a lot on here about people who have dodged a bad relationship. I feel like my ex dodged me. I walk around the neighborhood or the apt nonstop because I’m so restless. I’m a very caring person but I’m so shy and have so many self esteem problems that I don’t think I’ll recover from all of this.

 

My parents invited me to a music festival today because some family is in town. I had to walk away and write this because I need to talk/write. I am losing interest in life. I’m surrounded by people who are divorced, girls who are so picky and have way too many choices these days with online dating websites and everything. I am so stupid for loving people unconditionally. There are so many happy, successful people out there. I’m not sure I can make it in this complicated world.

 

7/7/18

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If you really feel you're spinning out of control, you can always get immediate help by going to the ER and telling them. Not sure that's what you need, but it's an option.

 

I can only tell you that when we break up with someone or move on because it's unrequited, our love doesn't leave with them.

That love comes from within you. You get to leave with it when you go and can use it on another person when you're ready. You haven't lost love. She just wasn't who you hoped she'd be. You fell in love with someone you hoped she'd be.

 

I would just caution you against taking your attitude about women being too picky to want you out into the dating world. it's perfectly fine venting that here and at the therapist's office. But that attitude will get you nowhere. If you feel women are too picky to want you, it's one of those "The whole world is wrong and I'm the only right one" things. If that's truly the case and not just a temporary rant because you're hurt, then you will have to examine yourself at some point and see why your expectations exceed who you can get. But that's for later.

 

Now you just need to probably do some vigorous exercise to run off all that nervous energy you described and take the stress off yourself some. Accept that she wasn't the woman you hoped she was, and it truly will be easier to let it go. You may be in love with a woman in your head who doesn't exist. Or maybe not, but she wasn't it. So walk away with your dignity intact and know you still have the same love you gave to her there in reserve for another person another time, as many times as you want, even. Good luck.

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I am in so much pain about this breakup. I can’t focus on anything. Can’t get in with a therapist anytime soon. Joined an online therapy website but the counselor said I need to see someone in person. It seems like hotlines are just meant for telling you to see a therapist who can’t see you until October. I have so many self-esteem issues.

 

I am smart, I am a CPA, but I don’t feel smart. My dad is financially responsible but I just always screw things up. I used to get joy from writing music but it doesn’t even matter anymore. It is all unheard or the sheet music left in a drawer in my apt.

 

I’m almost 30 years old, I really messed up my head thinking that I had a future with this girl. I read a lot on here about people who have dodged a bad relationship. I feel like my ex dodged me. I walk around the neighborhood or the apt nonstop because I’m so restless. I’m a very caring person but I’m so shy and have so many self esteem problems that I don’t think I’ll recover from all of this.

 

My parents invited me to a music festival today because some family is in town. I had to walk away and write this because I need to talk/write. I am losing interest in life. I’m surrounded by people who are divorced, girls who are so picky and have way too many choices these days with online dating websites and everything. I am so stupid for loving people unconditionally. There are so many happy, successful people out there. I’m not sure I can make it in this complicated world.

 

7/7/18

 

There are people out there who care. Things do get better after a breakup. It can take time, but it gets a lot better eventually. In the meantime if you're suicidal please call 1-800-273-8255. There is immediate help and people you can talk to.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I’m almost 30 years old, I really messed up my head thinking that I had a future with this girl. I read a lot on here about people who have dodged a bad relationship. I feel like my ex dodged me.

 

I read your other thread and this is not true. You were together for around four years....why would you blame yourself for thinking you had a future with her? Any normal person would think so! I'm not saying you dodged a bullet, but she sounds like the one with issues, not you. You sound like a very nice man, willing to fully commit to a woman. Lots of women would love that in a man. As well as your lovely musician soul. :cool:

 

I think you need to work on your self-esteem and try to find a way to get out of this undeserved pity party you're having for yourself (it's not warranted at all based on what you've said about yourself). You sound like a very kind man and great partner. You don't deserve the put-downs you're giving yourself.

 

You need to give time time. This is gonna hurt and there isn't anything you can do about that except go through it :(. Nobody here will be able to provide you with a solution for ceasing to experience this pain, unfortunately :(. It will eventually diminish, though. Many (most?) of us here have been through excruciating emotional pain and most of have come through on the other side, happy and healthy. You can, too. Hang in there. :love:

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Albert Bert

I think I just am very stupid for thinking that people love me unconditionally. That's what I always forget. I love people unconditionally and they love me conditionally. I read an article that when we have less choices to choose from we feel better about the choices we make. That's more what I was trying to get at with the pickiness of people these days comment.

I keep thinking about how she texted me "I'm sorry" blah blah "I really tried" etc. Wow, I'm that bad that you have to actually try to love me. Thanks for trying so hard.

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At 30 you have the whole world to explore. It's not the end of the world. Far from it.

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Just because someone decides to love you unconditionally and has rationalized that they are willing to put up with some things they don't like because the rest of you is worth it doesn't mean they will just take anything you throw at them. People have boundaries, and they should have boundaries.

 

Not every relationship lasts. Sometimes it seems like the more one person tries, the more doomed the relationship is, especially if you read on this forum a lot. Sometimes the person trying hardest is just investing too much because the other person is coming up short. You can't make up someone else's shortfall by doubling down.

 

I wish the best outcome on this for you. You're young. Actually, for a man, you're at what is possibly your most desirable age, so mourn it and process it but don't get stuck doing that because you don't want to waste your best years on it.

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Wasting time on this just leaves less time for you to find the right one. It's better if its not working out to end sooner than later.

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Albert Bert

I just really need some kind of guide to move forward because I donÂ’t know where to go from here. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have 3 distant friends besides my family. I really put my heart into the exes family because it was so big and it was a place where I was happy and felt good about myself. My dad is my best friend, hes got cancer and heÂ’s getting old, I feel like I really let him down. HeÂ’s losing sleep because heÂ’s worried about me. I worry about him and my mom too. I really thought I had my life together.

Should I just feel the pain everyday? It feels like IÂ’m not making any progress when I do that. Should I join a dating website and fend off fake accounts? I know nothing about the online dating scene because I was in this relationship during the boom. I honestly donÂ’t know the first thing about meeting any girl much less one that I would be a good fit for. I donÂ’t have any social media because IÂ’ve never wanted to be a part of that scene.

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Al,

 

If you are really struggling, you should consider speaking with a therapist. There is only so much advice LS people can give you. Real life problems that affect your health or those around you, should be spent discussing with a professional.

 

This is just an option. A good therapist can really make a difference.

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Albert Bert

Thanks, yes I have an appointment with a therapist but it is not for a while. I’m just looking for support whereever it is.

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CantTakeMySmile
I think I just am very stupid for thinking that people love me unconditionally. That's what I always forget. I love people unconditionally and they love me conditionally. I read an article that when we have less choices to choose from we feel better about the choices we make. That's more what I was trying to get at with the pickiness of people these days comment.

I keep thinking about how she texted me "I'm sorry" blah blah "I really tried" etc. Wow, I'm that bad that you have to actually try to love me. Thanks for trying so hard.

 

 

It sounds like the texts she sent were typical texts people send when they break up. I don't think you should read into that that you are hard to love.

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